By Mark Lucas
News Editor
ENGLEWOOD, FLORIDA - Today, the obituary section of a local newspaper contained an announcement that would not be noteworthy to a population with a younger average age.
"There were no deaths reported in Englewood, Northport or DeSoto on Saturday."
I wonder if they stopped the presses.
Sunday, September 30, 2012
Thursday, September 27, 2012
More Swag Than Swagger
By Ralph Zenith
Business Reporter
ENGLEWOOD, FLORIDA - A local bank gave me a gift for opening a new account on Wednesday. It was a coffee mug wrapped in floral gift paper and stuffed with free goodies! I couldn't wait to get home and take an inventory of my loot. Inside the mug stood two dark blue fake flowers. I gave them to my sister. The mug also contained a small, chalky breath mint and a handful of mint Lifesavers. I don't like mint flavor. So, I poured them into my sister's living room candy jar. I considered it a token repayment for all of the caramel bull's-eyes I've scoffed down over the years. (love those!)
The coffee mug, and everything else in it, was branded with the bank logo for free advertising. I don't blame them. I can't wait to order similar swag for promoting Silly News. There was a small bottle of hand sanitizer. Every time I get a gift basket of swag, it includes hand sanitizer. Either I look like I just climbed out of a cesspool or businesses don't think very highly of the great unwashed masses in general! Anyway, I hear kids are getting high on hand sanitizer these days. So, it had some potential value.
The mug also contained lip balm. I don't have much need for lip balm in the sultry state of Florida. My favorite piece of swag was a heavy-duty letter opener that doubles as a 6-inch ruler. Neat! Finally, there was a small foam football. I guess I'm supposed to squeeze it in the palm of my hand to relieve stress.
All right. Let's sum up! According to the cornucopia of swag from my bank, I am a stressed out, coffee drinker with chapped lips, dirty hands and bad breath ...
Lucky guess.
Business Reporter
ENGLEWOOD, FLORIDA - A local bank gave me a gift for opening a new account on Wednesday. It was a coffee mug wrapped in floral gift paper and stuffed with free goodies! I couldn't wait to get home and take an inventory of my loot. Inside the mug stood two dark blue fake flowers. I gave them to my sister. The mug also contained a small, chalky breath mint and a handful of mint Lifesavers. I don't like mint flavor. So, I poured them into my sister's living room candy jar. I considered it a token repayment for all of the caramel bull's-eyes I've scoffed down over the years. (love those!)
The coffee mug, and everything else in it, was branded with the bank logo for free advertising. I don't blame them. I can't wait to order similar swag for promoting Silly News. There was a small bottle of hand sanitizer. Every time I get a gift basket of swag, it includes hand sanitizer. Either I look like I just climbed out of a cesspool or businesses don't think very highly of the great unwashed masses in general! Anyway, I hear kids are getting high on hand sanitizer these days. So, it had some potential value.
The mug also contained lip balm. I don't have much need for lip balm in the sultry state of Florida. My favorite piece of swag was a heavy-duty letter opener that doubles as a 6-inch ruler. Neat! Finally, there was a small foam football. I guess I'm supposed to squeeze it in the palm of my hand to relieve stress.
All right. Let's sum up! According to the cornucopia of swag from my bank, I am a stressed out, coffee drinker with chapped lips, dirty hands and bad breath ...
Lucky guess.
Sunday, September 23, 2012
National People Week
By Ralph Zenith
Business Reporter
ENGLEWOOD, FLORIDA - No business wants to alienate potential customers, but this sign at the corner of Beach Road and Rt. 776 seemed excessively vague. Apparently, McDonald's was not grateful to other primates, lower animals and alien races. However, I'm a person, and I didn't want to miss any special deals. So, I inquired about the mysterious sign inside.
The explanation was surprisingly simple. During the past week, McDonald's showed its appreciation to its many hard-working employees with some minor gifts. For example, the families of employees could eat at a discount. This Englewood McDonald's also posted baby pictures of its employees on a bulletin board and asked customers to guess their identities. When the names were revealed, some workers were razzed for their cute appearance as infants. Others were embarrassed to have their true ages hinted at by their old fashioned baby clothing and obsolete photographs. The youngest teenage workers posted digital baby pictures. The older employees had to display primitive black & white images taken by an ancient form of instant photography called ... a Polaroid.
They shouldn't feel bad. I'm so old, my baby pictures are chiseled on stone tablets beside mummies and pharoahs! :-)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)