Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Multi-layered Political Vandalism


This large political sign stands by the side of Placida Road in Grove City, Florida.  The multiple levels of vandalism reflect a presidential election that has become particularly nasty.  Even more political signs have been damaged in nearby Northport.  The original sign in this photo attacked the record of Democratic President Barack Obama.  Then a Zorro wanna-be defaced the sign with black spray paint.  Eventually, a third level of commentary was applied with marker on green tape.  Perhaps future archaeologists will decipher the decline of US political discourse when they excavate this sign from the ruins of our once-great nation.  Photo by Mark Lucas.

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Monday, October 29, 2012

Thanksgiving at the Romney House



Anyone who'd like to see their humorous cartoon published on Silly News, please submit your idea to News Editor Mark Lucas at MarkLucas.editor@gmail.com

Sunday, October 28, 2012

Sunscreen Causes Burns

By Ralph Zenith
Business Reporter
       I'm not cynical enough.
       I've always suspected sunscreen was a big scam. Thermonuclear radiation from a star burning at millions of degrees, travels 90 million miles through space, burns through 50 miles of atmosphere and then, miraculously, bounces off a thin layer of white goo that turns transparent after I smear it on my skin. Come on!  Do you think I was born yesterday?  Yet, for years, I slathered on sunscreen just like everyone else.  What the hell?  I am a skeptic, but I'm a cowardly skeptic that doesn't want skin cancer.
       Well, it's been a bad year for sun worshipers, and I've saved up a big fat "I Knew It!"  In July, the Environmental Working Group concluded that only 15% of 900 sunscreens actually prevented skin cancer AND contained safe ingredients.  Nearly half of the sunscreens contained ingredients that literally become inactive when exposed to strong sunlight.
     Apparently, the Food and Drug Administration agrees. The FDA has been contemplating new labeling regulations for sunscreens since 2011.  They are even slower than Banana Boat, the second largest maker of sunscreen.  In early June, a Massachusetts man applied Banana Boat sunscreen, walked over to a charcoal grill and caught fire.  He suffered second degree burns on his chest, back and ear.  Ow!  Banana Boat launched a prompt investigation, "because nothing is more important to us than the safety of our consumers.  We are taking this matter very seriously."
       Quick as a flash, Banana Boat recalled 23 types of its Ultra-mist Spray-on Sunscreen on October 19, after four more of its customers went up in flames and the suntanning season had passed.  To be fair, Banana Boat bottles carry a warning, "Flammable, don't use near heat, flame or while burning."  I don't know about you, but to me, that means if something or someone is ALREADY on fire, using this sunscreen spray as a fire extinguisher will be ... counterproductive.
      Banana Boat has not admitted that there is anything wrong with a sunscreen formula that can act like napalm. They are just generous to a fault with too much of a good thing. Their cans spray so much sunscreen that it stays wet on the skin too long and gives off flammable vapors until it dries. Right. Whatever gets you through the night, guys.
     I always had my doubts that sunscreen could substitute for a lead-lined radiation suit.  However, I never suspected that every time I smeared myself with this snake oil that I could be exposing myself to unsafe chemicals and turning myself into a human Tiki torch.  Boy, do I have egg on my face!  Well, we've ALL had a white goop on our face that looks like egg.
 

Saturday, October 27, 2012

Betrayed with a Kiss and a Banana

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By Rainbow Starr
Environmental Reporter
ST. PETERSBURG, FLORIDA - First Robin Hood.  Then Jesse James and John Dillinger.  Now, Cornelius, aka, Monk, aka the Mystery Monkey of Tampa Bay has joined the list of famous fugitives who fought the law, and the law won.
     After evading authorities for almost four years, the defiant monkey's life on the lam ended with betrayal and a hail of tranquilizer darts at high noon on Wednesday.  The simian fugitive is now safely behind bars.
     The 45-pound rhesus macaque is thought to be an outcast from a colony of wild monkeys in Silver Springs.  The colony formed years ago when monkeys were released into the wild after serving as extras in a Tarzan film. For years, St. Petersburg residents spotted the Mystery Monkey of Tampa Bay peering in their windows, playing with children and family pets and even lounging beside their pools.  He became the popular subject of tourist knickknacks and even his own website. The monkey evaded wildlife authorities in the city and in forests, and even shrugged off tranquilizer darts. They freely admitted that their efforts failed because the fugitive simian was aided, concealed and fed by the local human population.
     Public opinion turned against Cornelius three weeks ago. He jumped on an unwary 60-year-old woman. She screamed, and the startled monkey bit her on the back. Nearby residents finally revealed that the Mystery Monkey of Tampa Bay was living in their neighborhood near Lake Maggoire.  Wildlife authorities and the paparazzi swarmed the area.  Cornelius shook branches, snarled defiantly and even charged a news crew. The government brought in a monkey expert.  However, Cornelius stole the bananas from his traps without getting caught  The trapper was ready to bring in a caged monkey to lure in the lone rebel with the prospect of companionship.
      It proved not to be necessary.  On Wednesday, the victim of the monkey bite was looking on as her daughter waved a banana outside her home and called Cornelius out of the foliage with calm kissing sounds.  The authorities at the stake out shot a tranquilizer dart out of a sliding glass door. The trusting monkey pulled the dart from his torso, staggered across a nearby creek and climbed to a low branch.  When he began swaying from the drugs, the wildlife officials closed in to finish him off.  They snagged the monkey with a capture stick and shot him with another tranquilizer dart.  He lost consciousness within one minute.
     Residents caressed the sleeping monkey one last time as they bid farewell to their neighborhood celebrity.  The victim of the monkey bite cried.  She is voluntarily undergoing very painful rabies shots so that her attacker will not need to be killed to check if  he has rabies.  However, Cornelius will be quarantined for 30 days to make sure he does not carry any other contagious diseases.  The monkey expert named his prisoner, Cornelius, after the main character played by Roddy McDowell in the first three Planet of the Apes films. That Cornelius was an intelligent chimpanzee, who was also shot while on the run from human authorities.
      Closer examination has revealed that the Mystery Monkey of Tampa Bay is about five years old.  He is also in remarkably good health.  In fact, he has grown fat from all the junk food that he has mooched from his human accomplices. Cornelius faces an uncertain future, depending on how well he reintegrates with other monkeys after living so long on his own.  However, monkey sanctuaries across Florida are already vying to become the next home of the famous Mystery Monkey of Tampa Bay.
     Meanwhile, the quiet neighborhood near Lake Maggoire has returned to normal. Some of the residents say, they already miss "seeing the monkey."

You can read the background about this story in "Monkey Bites St. Pete Woman" and "One Monkey vs. the World."
     
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Thursday, October 25, 2012

A Fool and His Money

By Mark Lucas
News Editor
     This crazy presidential campaign has been interrupted by a voice of reason.  The breath of fresh air comes from New York developer and Hair Club for Men model Donald Trump.  On Wednesday, he offered to give $5 million to charity if Democratic President and confessed pothead Barack Obama would release his college records and passport paperwork.
     Why?
      The Donald said the move would make Obama more transparent.  Despite four years of constant and intense scrutiny by the world media, apparently the President of the United States of America remains a mystery.  If elected to a second term, who knows what Obama might do ... even though he has already had the opportunity to do it.
      Similar concerns were raised during the presidential campaign in 2008. Republicans accused Obama of being a foreign-born Muslim with alien ideas.  One commercial seemed to suggest that if Obama were elected, the people of the United States would be attacked by a pack of wolves.
      Well, it's four years later.  I don't see mosques everywhere, Korans being read in public schools or senior citizens being ripped to pieces by wolves.  In fact, it's pretty much been business as usual.  The Great Recession was averted, the Iraq occupation is over, Osama Bin Laden is dead and millions of additional Americans have medical insurance.  OH! THE HORROR OF IT ALL!
      So, if Obama releases this additional paperwork, what new fact does Trump hope to reveal about the president?  Perhaps, Obama is described as a Muslim or an immigrant on some obscur document.  That doesn't matter to the law. The birth certificate is what counts.  Obama might have lied deliberately in college to gain admission or win a scholarship.  Perhaps a weary bureaucrat just checked the wrong box by mistake.  It doesn't matter to the voters.  Obama has already passed the test of character and earned the public trust.  He's not an unknown commodity anymore. Romney is.
       So, why is Trump offering $5 million for Obama's paperwork?  Maybe he's coming down with the same crazy billionaire's disease that afflicted Howard Hughes.  It's easy to lose grip of reality when you are rich enough to say and do whatever you want without contradiction by your inner circle.
      I hope that Obama produces the documents.  Since he gets to name the charity, he can really get Trump's goat by making him donate the $5 million to the Democratic National Committee or ACORN.  How about the American Civil Liberties Union?  No, wait!  The Better Business Bureau! YES! That would stick in the Donald's craw!

Monday, October 22, 2012

Obama Stings Like a Bee in Last Debate

By Mark Lucas
News Editor
BOCA RATON, FLORIDA - Both presidential candidates kept talking about the economy Monday night, even though their final debate was supposed to focus on foreign policy.
      Republican nominee and Olympic savior Mitt Romney frequently looked pained and hunted as he was repeatedly corrected and accused of lying. Democratic President and closet communist Barrack Obama looked like the panther that was stalking Romney.  However, Obama's short hair is graying, giving his scalp the metallic look of an android.
      The candidates differed sharply over military spending. Romney suffered the closest thing to a knock-out blow after complaining that the US Navy would soon have the fewest ships since 1917.
     "Well, governor, we also have fewer horses and bayonets because the nature of our military has changed," Obama said.  It was one of the few times laughter and applause was evoked from the audience.
      Many times, Romney tried to strike a more cordial tone.  However, even when he agreed with his opponent, Obama would point out that Romney's positions had flip flopped.
      "Governor Romney, you keep trying to airbrush history," Obama finally said.
     With sweat forming on his upper lip, Romney fell back on his well worn economic positions.  He spouted the exact same line again about creating 12 million new jobs.
     "The problem is they won't be here, they'll be in places like China," said Obama, who seemed prepared with more new material than his opponent.  He pointed out that Romney's plans to balance the federal budget without increasing taxes on the rich did not add up.  Romney denied the accusation, urging viewers to visit his website where his plans were clearly explained.
       "We visited the website quite a bit, and it still doesn't work," Obama said confidently.
      Once again, Romney said he could cut government programs without harm or malice.  This time, the list of programs that he would target grew from PBS and Planned Parenthood to include public education.  In the first presidential debate Romney memorably said, "I love Big Bird."   In an eerie, and hopefully platonic parallel, on Monday night, Romney concluded by saying, "I love teachers."
     "I think we all love teachers," moderator Bob Schieffer interrupted with a laugh.
      Actually, the biggest blunder of the night came from Schieffer himself, instead of one of the candidates.  At one point, the moderator accidentally referred to the deceased leader of Al Qaeda as, "Obama Bin Laden."
       Obama pointed out that Romney would've let the US auto industry go out of business.  Romney emotionally denied the charge by touting his family ties to car manufacturing.
     "I'm a son of Detroit," Romney said.
     The auto unions in Detroit say, he's a son of something else.

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Romney Campaign Flies Like Lead Balloon

By Mark Lucas
News Editor
DAVIE, FLORIDA - Oh the humanity!  Sorry, every reporter wants to say that. It's a journalist thing ...
      Anyway, a blimp bearing a big ad for Republican presidential hopeful and aeronautical designer Mitt Romney crashed in a south Florida field Sunday night.  Neither occupant was injured.
      The hot air blimp bears a picture of Romney and the words, "America Needs Romney."  Coincidentally, it was flying from Boca Raton, the site of tonight's final presidential debate, to Pembroke Pines, Florida.  However, just five miles short of its destination, the blimp encountered high winds.  So, within sight of its goal, the big gas bag, full of hot air and bearing Romney's face and name, suddenly plummeted in the kind of last minute catastrophe dreamed about by every die hard Democrat.
       Witnesses on the ground who saw the blimp dip below the tree line initially assumed that Romney was merely engaging in more of the invasive campaigning that has marked the 2012 election.
      "I thought 'Boy! Mitt Romney really wants us to vote for him,'" nearby resident Terri Balter said to a TV news crew.
       The blimp flew backward into the ground, striking tail first.  Then it rolled on its side and went completely flaccid.  The airship has already been gathered up and carried to Pembroke.  It is not anticipated that the Romney campaign will have any trouble producing enough hot air to relaunch the vehicle.
      Democratic President and illegal immigrant Barrack Obama declined to comment on the fact that Republicans continue to employ an unreliable vehicle that is more than 60 years behind the times.  

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Friday, October 19, 2012

The Return of Evil Elmo

By Scoop Cooper
Crime Reporter
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA - Evil Elmo was sighted at Rossi Park and Fishermans Wharf last weekend.
     A street beggar dressed as the beloved Sesame Street character, poses for photos and then cusses out tourists who don't pay up.  Parents complained last weekend that their children were traumatized by the unexpected profanity.  Videos of Evil Elmo's tirades went viral on the internet in 2009, 2010 and this summer when he was arrested by New York City police in Central Park and Times Square.  The tirades are rich in anti-Semitic slurs, and in recent media interviews, Evil Elmo claims that he is being harassed by international Jewish costume companies regarding recent court rulings on copyright infringement.  Lawyers for the Children's Television Workshop would probably also like to teach him that "I" spells "intellectual property."
      In their recent investigations, journalists have learned more about the man under the Evil Elmo costume.  For example, parents have seen him sleeping in a rental car, and in 1999, he was deported from Cambodia for running a pornographic website called "Welcome to the Rape Camp."
      Normally, I would not gratify such an individual by printing his name, but (sigh) it's Adam Sandler.  Calm down!  He's no relation to the Saturday Night Live alum that talks through his nose.  However, I want you to sit for a minute and just consider how fast you were willing to believe that the annoying comedian could've sunk so low, so fast.
     By the way, what ever happened to Joe Piscopo anyway?
     

Thursday, October 18, 2012

The REAL Batman

By Scoop Cooper
Crime Reporter
PETOSKEY, MICHIGAN - Considering the popularity of superheros, I've sometimes wondered why I never hear about real people attempting to become costumed crime fighters. The world is full of impressionable people with a tenuous grip on reality. We read about all manner of crazy behavior inspired by movies, books and legends.  Why not a superhero?  What would happen if someone in a mask and tights tried to fight crime in real life?  I always assumed they'd be quickly gunned down by criminals with no sense of humor.
      I was half right. Superhero wannabees are quickly arrested by police with no sense of humor.
      Today, the Petoskey Batman pleaded not guilty in 90th District Court to resisting and obstructing police during an investigation.      The charges normally carry a two-year prison sentence.  However, the prosecuting attorney labeled Batman as a habitual offender and is pushing for 15 years behind bars.
      I assure you. It is EXACTLY the way it sounds.
      For the past several years, Mark Wayne has patrolled downtown Petoskey, Michigan, dressed as the popular DC Comics superhero, Batman.  Sometimes, the 33-year-old-man stalks the night on foot, sometimes he drives around with his costumed sidekick, Batgirl.  Neither of the dynamic duo are very articulate in a live interview.  However, the Petoskey Batman and the Petoskey Batgirl eloquently and humbly explain their missions as "crime preventers" on their Facebook pages. They give the stereotypical comic book reasons for donning a superhero costume: to make a statement, take a stand against crime and inspire the public to help enforce the law.  Over 5,000 readers "like" their pages. One or two self-labeled supervillains, like the Detroit Riddler, taunt and ridicule them.
     However, their Facebook pages are also full of calls to help with simple charities and community service events. The Petoskey Batgirl, AKA Brittany Scott, describes herself as a mother of two, and a survivor of cancer and domestic abuse who is studying to become an EMT and a nurse.  She writes that the Petoskey Batman is her hero because he really saved her life twice.  Both of their Facebook pages focus on fighting domestic abuse and child abuse in particular.
     The dynamic duo patrols in costume between 10 p.m. and 3:30 a.m. on Fridays, Saturdays and sometimes Thursdays. They say most local citizens are friendly and encouraging.  Even the local Petoskey police have been cordial and credit Batman with helping them with information on two cases.  However, the Petoskey Batman was arrested when he was sighted atop a local business building in May 2011. He was arrested in possession of a nightstick, mace and weighted gauntlets. In September 2011 he pleaded guilty to resisting and obstructing a police officer.  The court forbade him from wearing costumes during his 6-month probation.
    However, the Petosky Batman was back in costume during his patrol on the night of Sept. 29.  He even beat police to the scene of a car accident where someone had been injured and the suspect had fled on foot. Only this time, he was in Bear Creek and not Petoskey.  So, it was the Michigan State Police, not the local Petoskey police who arrived to investigate. They arrested the caped crusader alleging that he refused to leave the scene even though his scent was confusing the police tracking dogs.  Batman claims he WAS leaving the scene when the state police arrested him anyway.  While riding in the squad car, he said a trooper rudely told him he was really arrested to stop him from frightening the public.
     Is this the end for the dynamic duo?  Will the Petoskey Batman be thrown in a jail full of his arch enemies?  Is Lady Justice truly deaf as well as blind?  Tune in November 21 for the same batty hearing!  In the same batty court!

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Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Careful Where You Park

I always thought Jesus was a carpenter.  Actually, there are many large vehicles parked outside the places of business that they advertise throughout SW Florida.  Presumably the business owners cannot pay the taxes or obtain the permits for conventional roadside signs. The monster truck pictured above was photographed recently outside a tire company on Veterans Boulevard in Port Charlotte.  Note, that this particular truck is not connected to the story below.

By Scoop Cooper
Crime Reporter
PUNTA GORDA, FLORIDA - A girl's first car was crushed repeatedly by a monster truck because of a big misunderstanding, according to a Ft. Myers man.
      He was one of the 1000s of people who attended an outdoor concert and off road rally at a popular mud pit known as The Redneck Yacht Club on Feb. 25. The annual Swamp Cabbage Weekend is touted as the largest mud party in the state of Florida. Just before 5 a.m., the 40-year-old Ft. Myers man found a crowd cheering two other truckers who were vainly trying to run over a 1994 Toyota Camry. However, their trucks weren't big enough to get 'er done. So, the Ft. Myers man saved the show with the five-foot-tall tires of his own camouflaged van.  That's when a shocked 16-year-old attendee returned from a nearby mud pit and exclaimed that her car was not part of the monster truck rally.
     The Charlotte County Sheriff's Department replied to the girl's call. Witnesses described the responsible truck driver as a man in his 40s with spiked gray hair and a white T-shirt. However, police still needed an eyewitness to single the Ft. Myers man out of the crowd. Fancy that.
     The Ft. Myers truck driver was arrested and charged with criminal mischief. Video of him crushing the girl's car went viral on the internet.  The Ft. Myers man was classy enough to pay the girl $6,500 to replace her car. However, he claimed the staff at The Redneck Yacht Club had given him permission to finish destroying the car, which was already badly damaged by the first two trucks.
     His jury trial was scheduled to start Monday. However, the 40-year-old man avoided a trial and a verdict by pleading no contest and paying the court's costs. He did not confess guilt, but just wanted to move on with his life. It is not known if he will be reinstated into the prestigious Redneck Yacht Club.

Worst Hostage Ever

By Scoop Cooper
Crime Reporter
STILLWATER, OKLAHOMA - A 27-year-old man was arraigned  today for allegedly robbing an adult novelty store of two porn magazines, a blow up sex doll and, oh yeah, $150 in cash.
     While pretending to buy some smut on Oct. 10, the robber reportedly ran behind the cashier and forced his head down on the check out counter.  During the robbery, he allegedly threatened to kill the cashier with a knife, an odd choice of weapon since the robber grabbed a $300 inflatable lady friend before fleeing.
     The robber was disguised in a stringy Halloween wig from a nearby Walmart.  Police were not fooled, and set off in pursuit.  After a five-mile, high speed chase, the suspect smashed his pickup truck into a utility pole. Police subdued the criminal mastermind with two taser jolts. The suspect was not seriously injured. However, his truck was totaled and his latex sidekick mortally wounded. Apparently, the inflatable molly was the brains of the team and enjoyed her brief ride on the wild side.  She died with a smile on her face.


Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Chicks Dress Like Big Bird

By Mark Lucas
News Editor
     Big Bird costumes are selling out this Halloween.
     Ever since the popular Muppet was mentioned in the first presidential debate, the sale of Big Bird outfits has increased up to 500%.  When asked how he'd cut federal spending, Republican  presidential nominee and leader of the Fantastic Four Mitt Romney immediately targeted PBS in general and Big Bird by name. The remark led to an explosion of online comments, political jokes and even campaign ads.
      However, kids dressed like little yellow canaries will not necessarily be flocking around the neighborhood pecking for candy this Halloween.  No.  The biggest sales increase has been in sexy and sassy Big Bird costumes for adult women. These scanty outfits often consist of little more than striped stockings, a cute bug-eyed headband and just enough yellow feathers to avoid charges of indecent exposure.
      So, when Romney said he'd cut PBS funding even though, "I love Big Bird," apparently some Republican admirers took him literally.  Any couples aroused to role playing in the bedroom would just need a sexy Big Bird costume for the woman, and a Romney mask for the man and then ... Oh, no! No! Gross! No!
      Poor Big Bird!
      I just want to take my brain out of my skull and scrub that image from my mind!

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Sunday, October 14, 2012

Twinkle, Twinkle Diamond Planet

By Nicola Braun
Science Reporter
CONSTELLATION OF CANCER - A distant planet is one-third made of diamonds, according to scientists at Yale University.
     The planet 55Canceri e is 8 times heavier than Earth. It was first discovered in 2011 orbiting the star 55Canceri. However, it has taken scientists a while to figure out what the planet is made of based upon how big it is, how fast it moves, how much it weighs and how it reflects light (presumably like a giant disco ball). Based on all of these factors, the planet probably has a graphite crust over a layer of diamonds with a core made of silicon around liquid iron.
     Anyone wishing to stake a claim to the diamond planet should be warned.  The surface temperature there is 3900 Fahrenheit. The planet is 40 light years from Earth and there is a sign on it reading "Property of De Beers" that's big enough to be seen with the naked eye.


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Just a Flesh Wound

By Sir Sterling T. Noseworthy Jr. III Esq.
International Correspondent
PARIS, FRANCE - The president of Mauritania claims he was accidentally shot by his own troops on Saturday.
      He is contradicting earlier statements from his own government and eyewitnesses. They said the attack looked like a deliberate assassination attempt. President Mohamed Ould Abdel Aziz was riding from his farm in Tweila to his capital in Nouakchott when his convoy was attacked at an army checkpoint.  Later Saturday night, Aziz claims he walked into a military hospital under his own power suffering from a minor bullet wound. On Sunday, he flew all the way to Paris for further medical treatment.  So, either a Mauritanian MILITARY hospital can't handle a "minor" bullet wound or Aziz is lying.
     A bullet has been removed from his arm or abdomen, according to conflicting unconfirmed reports.
    Mauritania is a former French colony of 3.4 million people with a history of instability in west Africa. Aziz may look like the owner of a corner convenience store with a bushy mustache and a nice business suit, but he is actually a former general.  In 2008, he bloodlessly seized power from Mauritania's first elected leader.  In recent weeks, Aziz dramatically increased security all over Mauritania, perhaps because al Qeada has repeatedly tried to kill him. So, Aziz getting accidentally shot by one of his own army checkpoints would be ironic in the extreme.
     After a little anarchy and a brief military crackdown, Mauritania has already returned to normal.  However, the poorly informed army checkpoints on the roads into the capital have been rapidly withdrawn.

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Saturday, October 13, 2012

What Debate Were Pundits Watching?

By Mark Lucas
News Editor
     Paid Republican mouthpieces have been less successful in persuading voters to ignore the evidence of their own eyes in the wake of the vice presidential debate.
     On Thursday night, Democratic Vice President and blabbermouth Joe Biden faced his steel-pumping Republican opponent Paul Ryan in their first and only debate.  Despite his reputation for slips of the tongue, Biden concisely marshaled the facts without misspeaking for 90 minutes.  By contrast, fact checkers after the debate found that Ryan had lied about ... well, everything.  Ever since then, the supposedly impartial pundits of the conservative-owned media claimed the debate was a tie.  Many even faulted Biden with being disrespectful, undignified and generally over-the-top.  These same commentators criticized Democratic President and former Rastafarian Barack Obama for being too listless and subdued in his first debate.  So, according to the "objective" talking heads, no matter what the Democrats do, they cannot possibly win a debate, and the Republicans can do no wrong.  
     This time, the public isn't buying the propaganda, according to early polls about the vice presidential debate.  A CNN survey of 381 registered voters showed Ryan won the debate 48% to Biden's 44%.  With a 5% margin of error, that is a virtual tie, especially since most of those polled have already decided who to vote for anyway.  However, a CBS poll of 431 UNDECIDED voters found that 50% thought Biden won, 39% thought Ryan won and 19% said the debate was a tie.  That's pretty decisive for a group that is, by nature, indecisive.
       Now, let's see how much media coverage these new polls get compared to the polls that favored Republican presidential nominee and chronic flipflopper Mitt Romney a week ago.

Dotting the Eye

By Rainbow Starr
Environmental Reporter
POMPANO BEACH, FLORIDA - The giant eyeball that washed up here Wednesday has been tentatively identified.
      A man found the mysterious eyeball among the flotsam and jetsam while strolling along Pompano Beach on Wednesday. The eye, as big as a softball, probably belonged to a swordfish, according to a professor at Nova Southeastern University's Oceanographic Center.
    The swordfish should've listened to his mother. Frolicking  in a school of fish with big sharp bills seems like fun - until someone takes an eye out!

Friday, October 12, 2012

Alleged Cannibal Puppeteer Pleads Not Guilty

By Scoop Cooper
Crime Reporter
LARGO, FLORIDA - A professional puppeteer pleaded not guilty to drastically reduced charges in federal court today.
     In July, federal agents accused the 57-year-old man of planning to kidnap, rape, strangle, cook and eat children for Easter. Since then, his attorney has dismissed those allegations as fantasy from an online chat. Today the puppeteer merely pleaded not guilty to receiving and possessing child pornography.
    Cannibalism reduced to child pornography? That's pretty good legal work. If I'm ever arrested, I hope I get Gepetto's lawyer.

One Monkey vs. the World

By Rainbow Starr
Environmental Reporter
ST. PETERSBURG, FLORIDA - The hunt for the Mystery Monkey of Tampa Bay has entered its fourth day without success.
     The wild monkey was spotted this morning. However, he has not yet fallen for any of the traps that have been placed by a professional trapper. The monkey has been swinging around the neighborhoods near the St. Petersburg Country Club and the Boyd Hill Nature Preserve for several years. The Mystery Monkey had been a novelty and local celebrity. In the old west, folks would say they were going into town to "see the elephant" as an euphemism for going on an adventure. Around St. Petersburg, a similar brag is now made by those who've "seen the monkey."
      NBC Channel 8 led the 6 p.m. and 7 p.m. local newscast with an update of the hunt for the Mystery Monkey of Tampa Bay. The neighborhood residents who they interviewed told new tales about their simian intruder. The wild rhesus monkey shows no fear of humans and has brazenly lounged around neighborhood pools and peered into house windows like a peeping Tom. The Mystery Monkey has also charged a news crew and stood in a tree, shaking a branch and screaming defiantly at a resident. State wildlife experts say such monkey business is intended to warn humans out of "his" territory.
     After trapping the Mystery Monkey of Tampa Bay, state officials plan to relocate him to live with his own kind.
     At this point, I'm beginning to root for the monkey.

This story began in "Monkey Bites St. Pete Woman" and concludes in "Betrayed with a Kiss and a Banana."

A Laughable Debate

By Mark Lucas
News Editor
DANVILLE, KENTUCKY - Vice President Joe Biden laughed his slick opponent right off the stage at Thursday night's debate.
      The event didn't seem to follow the script prepared by Republican US Congressman and snake oil salesman Paul Ryan. At times, Ryan spouted lines that were clearly rehearsed, but out of touch with what was happening. He tried to silence Biden with a reference to the recent loss of the Democratic campaign's substantial lead.
      "I know you're under duress," Ryan said, implying that Biden was under pressure to perform..
      Actually, Biden, known as a veteran "Happy Warrior" of national politics spent much of the debate smiling and laughing at Ryan's claims. Showing both candidates simultaneously on the TV screen accentuated Biden's reactions to his poor opponent. As Ryan spoke, Biden hovered over his shoulder looking like his conscience or a translator for the hearing impaired. Biden continually shook his head and corrected Ryan's lies.
     Early in the debate, Biden described Ryan's statements as just a bunch of "stuff," barely refraining from the use of a more profane word. When the moderator pressed Biden to explain what he meant by "stuff." Ryan insulted himself by translating that Biden viewed the Republican positions as a bunch of "malarkey."
      Ryan bragged that his muppet hating running mate, Mitt Romney, worked with Democrats while serving as the Republican governor of Massachusetts. Biden pointed out that Romney is so unpopular in Massachusetts that he is not even bothering to campaign there now.
      Eventually, Biden began talking over Ryan's sales pitches. At one point, Biden actually dismissed Ryan with a wave of his hand and said, "Blah, blah, blah."
       Ryan accused the Democrats of trying to scare voters because they couldn't campaign on their record. Biden fell back on a political career which is longer and more distinguished than all of the other presidential and vice presidential candidates combined. In his most effective moments, Biden took his argument directly to the viewers, instead of his opponent or the moderator.
      "Folks, follow your instincts on this one," Biden said, looking into the camera on several occasions. "Their ideas are old, and their ideas are bad ... Who do you trust on this? ... My record stands for itself."
       Even in his closing statement, Biden sought to reassure, rather than frighten, the audience. He vowed the administration of Democratic President and Kenyan expatriate Barack Obama would oppose any Republican plans to allow private businesses to take over Social Security or Medicare.
       "It's going to be OK. That's what this election is all about," Biden concluded.
       Immediately after the vice presidential debate, the hired pundits of the conservative-owned media took to the airwaves to tell the viewers what they had just seen with their own eyes. Even they couldn't sell the idea of a Republican victory to the public this time. However, since Ryan was able to walk off the stage under his own power, the commentators did declare the vice presidential debate a tie.

Thursday, October 11, 2012

An Eye on Florida

By Rainbow Starr
Environmental Reporter
POMPANO BEACH, FLORIDA - An eye the size of a softball has washed up on the beach here.
     The mysterious eyeball has been turned over to state environmental officials. However, they have been unable to identify it, speculating that it could've belonged to a whale, squid or large fish. Actually, a giant squid seems the most likely suspect. Little is known about those gigantic dwellers of the deep sea. However, the largest squids hold the record for possessing the largest eyes in the world, with some growing as big as a dinner plate in circumference.

Monkey Bites St. Pete Woman

By Rainbow Starr
Environmental Reporter
ST. PETERSBURG, FLORIDA - State wildlife officials are attempting to trap a wild monkey that attacked a local woman on Monday.
       The unsuspecting woman was sitting on her porch when the rhesus macque jumped on her back. Both were startled and the monkey bit her on the back.  The Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission blame neighbors for feeding the monkey.
       The critter has been swinging around area neighborhoods for several years. Known as the Mystery Monkey of Tampa Bay, it even became a local celebrity with its own website, merchandise and a shout out from "The Colbert Report."  The simian is not afraid of people, and has eluded pursuers in forests and cities. It has even shrugged off several tranquilizer darts in the past.
      However, Monday's unprovoked attack has kicked the hunt up several notches. Rhesus monkeys are similar enough to humans to transmit several fatal and incurable diseases such as rabies, hepatits and herpes. There is no evidence that the monkey or the woman he bit is infected with anything.
      Rhesus monkeys are native to south Asia. However, a troop was imported to Florida to appear in some early Tarzan films. A colony of wild monkeys descended from these former movie extras still lives in a state park 118 miles to the north in Silver Springs. Many theorize the Mystery Monkey of Tampa Bay was cast out from that colony.
       His ancestors may have appeared in a Tarzan film, but now, the Mystery Monkey of Tampa Bay is starring in a cross between "Outbreak" and "King Kong."

The Mystery Monkey epic continues in "One Monkey vs. the World" and concludes in "Betrayed with a Kiss and a Banana." 

More French Foulness

By Sir Sterling T. Noseworthy, Jr. III Esq.
International Correspondent
ALSACE, FRANCE - The country that tainted Perrier spring water and infected British oysters with herpes has now produced rainbow colored honey.
     Bees naturally make honey in yellow, white and even black. However, beekeepers in northeastern France became concerned in August when their colonies produced honey that was blue, green and sometimes red. Fortunately, the people who dine on snails and frog legs felt that even they couldn't pander honey that looks like it oozed from an orifice of Walt Disney's corpse. So, the French beekeepers tracked their bees to a nearby plant of the Mars Corporation. They discovered their bees were feeding off the waste dye left over from coating M&M candies. The bees then returned to their colonies and produced honey with psychedelic results.
      The Mars plant is now moving the tempting dye waste inside so the bees won't be exposed to it. Humans who eat M&M's are on their own. 

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The Spice of Life

By Sir Sterling T. Noseworthy Jr. III, Esq.
International Correspondent
GERMANY - A pair of former bartenders is quenching the endless male thirst for ta tas.
     They founded a liquor company called G-Spirits and employed beautiful women to flavor their limited runs of rum, whiskey and vodka. Every drop of their alcohol is poured over the naked breasts of a famous model before it is bottled. Each custom bottle sports a photo of its female ingredient and a certificate of authenticity. G. Liquors assures a sanitary bottling process which is monitored by some of the luckiest people in the medical profession.
      So, does anyone have a hankering for Miss International Hungary finalist Evelin Aubert? Try a bottle of G. Vodka for $119. How about Alexa Varga, the Hungary Playmate of 2012? She's a good year. However, a bottle of single malt whiskey from Scottland which has been poured over Ms. Varga's knockers costs $179, plus shipping. Meanwhile, 23-year-old Hungarian Playmate Amina Malakona is barely older than the 10-year-old tropical rum that was filtered through her knockers to make G. Rum No. 1 for $166 per bottle.
      Those who cannot afford G-Spirits can always resort to traditional, less expensive alcohol. A pint of Drunken Frat Girl Beer is a favorite among college students. While, the jobless must settle for a bottle of Dirty Hobo Muscatel, and the less said about that distilling process the better.

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Gaga Gags at Gig


By Socrates Paparazzi
Arts & Entertainment Reporter
BARCELONA, SPAIN - Pop rock stars continue retching on stage.
      On Saturday night, Lady Gaga tossed her cookies during a live concert.  The demure performer was singing "The Edge of Glory" when she walked to the edge of the stage instead. Then, she turned her back to the audience and upchucked repeatedly behind one of her dancers. In a Tweet on Monday, milady Gaga confessed that she had tried to conceal the incident. Of course, being discreet is not her strong suit. Despite her illness, Lady Gaga went on with the show in a display of pluck that would make her fellow nobles proud.
      Just days earlier, teenage heart throb and human sheep dog, Justin Bieber kicked off his Believe tour by  vomiting twice in front of a live audience in Glendale, Arizona. In his case, the lyrics of "Out of Town Girl" stuck in his throat, as well as the pasta and milk that Beiber imbibed just before the show.
      Ironically, Gaga launched her Born this Way tour in the wake of criticism over her recent weight gain. She defiantly replied that she suffered from bulimia in her youth and would never again obsess over weight loss. If Gaga has fallen back on her old ways, she's gotten a tad rusty at concealing her eating disorder.  
      Gaga's bulimia fails to explain Beiber's similar incident. What are the possible explanations?  Well, musicians can be mindless slaves to fads and fashion. Then again, there is nothing more nauseating than the sight of someone else losing their lunch. If so, there is no telling where this musical chain-barfing will end. Perhaps, the next concert of the Jonas Brothers should be preceded with the standard warning at Seaworld, "Those sitting in the first 4 rows WILL get wet." 
      If the queasy rock stars are just having a spontaneous reaction to meeting their fans in person, it is entirely understandable. If they are commenting on the quality of their own songs, then they lack in subtlety what they make up for in brevity.

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A Debatable Outcome

By Mark Lucas
News Editor
DENVER, COLORADO - Despite threats to fire the moderator and a popular muppett, Mitt Romney has been dubbed the winner of the first presidential debate Wednesday night.
     The curtain rose on the theater of the absurd after Romney was pressed for details on how he would balance the federal budget by condensing government departments and cutting public programs. The Republican nominee, and Grecian Formula model, said he would cut any program that was not vital enough to fund with  money borrowed from China. Then, all on his own, Romney blindsided the debate moderator and a beloved children's character by citing PBS as something that should lose all federal funding.
      "I love Big Bird," Romney said. Hopefully, he meant in the platonic sense.  Then Romney gestured across the table to venerable PBS journalist Jim Lehrer and added, apologetically, "I actually like you too."
      Twitter immediately exploded with 17,000 posts per minute about Romney's statement. Today, the internet flooded with humorous comments and doctored photos of muppetts. Late night TV shows bombarded Big Bird with invitations. However, "Sesame Street" producers at the Children's Television Workshop are politically non partisan, effectively muzzling the muppett. Fittingly, Big Bird's only reference to the uproar came today in a belated Tweet. The giant yellow canary told his followers on Twitter that he went to bed at 7 p.m. Wednesday night before the debate began.
      "Did I miss anything?" Big Bird asked innocently.
      Even Democratic President Barack Obama commented on the campaign trail today.
     "Thank goodness someone is finally getting tough on Big Bird. It's about time," Obama wisecracked.
     Hopefully, Romney's conflict with a make-believe character will not go as far as a similar incident several decades ago. That's when Vice President and Republican dimwit Dan Quayle managed to lose a running argument with fictional TV single mother Murphy Brown. At least she was a human.
      To address the financial problems facing America, Romney is only falling back on familiar methods that have worked for him in the past. Romney built his vast fortune at a supervillain organization called Bain Capital. They would find a struggling company that they could buy at a steal. Then Bain would "turn the business around" by laying everyone off, closing the doors and selling everything down to the carpets. No one seems worried about giving a vulture capitalist the keys to the federal government.
      After Romney mounts Big Bird's head over the fireplace in the Oval Office, the other muppetts would also be laid off. America's children would see a much meaner "Sesame Street" with Grover panhandling next to a crazy war veteran, Elmo a drug mule for a street gang, Cookie Monster a 600 pound shut-in, Bert and Ernie dead from a murder/suicide pact and Oscar living in a trash can. Okay, he already does. Oscar is a survivor. However, it's not a pretty picture for the rest of "Sesame Street."
      In fact, "Sesame Street" gets little money from the federal government. "Sesame Street" is mostly funded by corporate sponsorships, product sales, donations, the letter D and the number 2.
       The latest public polls show that 25% of the viewers thought Obama won the debate and 67% thought Romney won. After the debate, pundits explained that Obama lost because by the end of the 90 minute  debate he did not balance the budget, pay off the national debt, reverse the balance of trade with China, find a job for every person in America, heal the sick and walk on water. On the other hand, Romney won the debate because he managed to go 90 minutes without sounding like a raving madman. 

These are the Voyages?

By Nicola Braun
Science Reporter
CAPE CANAVERAL - After a wobbly flight, the USS Private Enterprise docked with the International Space Station early this morning.
      However, the unmanned SpaceX rocket prematurely released a communication satellite on its way up. Engineers are still calculating if they can boost the satellite into the proper orbit with its onboard thrusters.
      With the retirement of the space shuttle fleet, NASA has privatized the chore of resupplying the International Space Station. SpaceX is being paid $1.6 billion to make 12 of the milk runs with its Dragon capsules. A private satellite was hitching a ride on this first cargo flight of a privately owned US spaceship.
      The three-man space station crew is eagerly unloading 1,000 lbs. of cargo from the Dragon capsule. The contents include chocolate and vanilla swirled iced cream. With a delivery charge of over $1 billion, they'll be enjoying the most expensive sundaes in history.
       In three weeks, Dragon will drop back to Earth. It'll be carrying 2000 lbs. of cargo, including blood and urine samples from the space station crew. So, the most expensive sundaes in history will be followed by the most expensive pee in history. Leave it to private enterprise to stick it to the customer coming and going.

Monday, October 8, 2012

A Sign from Heaven



WEST ROTONDA, FLORIDA - This sign is posted on West Rotonda Boulevard.

Then, Jesus appointed 12 apostles, and it's been nothing but red tape ever since.
Photo By Mark Lucas, www.silly-news.com

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Sunday, October 7, 2012

Is Nothing Sacred?

By Ralph Zenith
Business Reporter
ENGLEWOOD, FLORIDA - The hardware department at Big Lots discount store has been desecrated!
     Dark blue jogging suits and Snuggies and have been inexplicably displayed right next to the hammers and saws. And that's not even the worse part. There are also bras for sale there. Not the type that a yuppie uses to protect the grill of his sportscar. There are female sports bras for sale in the hardware aisle of the Big Lots. Why? The hardware aisle is the last male refuge in a department store. Men are supposed to stand there and talk about yard work and power tools. It is a place for bros, not bras.
     Store workers claim part of the hardware aisle has simply been re-allocated for the sale of items marked "As Seen on TV" (aka items that make outrageous claims). That explains why there is also a needle set for sale that is so easy to thread that there's a picture of a man wearing a blindfold on the box. I don't believe this explanation. There are other "Made for TV" products scattered all around the Big Lots.
     Conservatives warned that society would unravel if we allowed gay marriage. Now there are Snuggies and bras in the hardware aisle. What will be next? Cutlery in the toy department? Dog and cat food mixed promiscuously on the same shelf? Tampons in the potato chip aisle?
     My world doesn't make sense anymore ...

Friday, October 5, 2012

A Stinky Week for SW Florida



This enigmatic sign on Placida Road in Englewood befits a week full of smelly news. Who exactly is this sign aimed at? Pets can't read and what would smell different to humans?

By Mark Lucas
News Editor
FORT MYERS BEACH, FLORIDA - A 100,000 gallon leak of raw sewage has topped off a week of unpleasant odors here in Southwest Florida.
      First, a bloom of red tide caused dead fish to wash ashore on the beaches of Manasota Key. Now a 25-year-old sewer line has ruptured on Main Street in Fort Myers Beach near South Street. Local health officials expect to close nearby beaches to swimmers. All-in-all, a crappy week for this region.

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

"We Need Your Blood"

By Mark Lucas
News Editor
SARASOTA, FLORIDA - Moments ago, the local cable news network showed the most frightening public service announcement that I've ever seen.
     Famed horror novelist Stephen King appeared on my TV screen to solicit blood for the Suncoast Communities Blood Bank. The author of "Salem's Lot" seems like a more fitting spokesperson for vampires. Yet, King showed no sign of the irony as he made his deadpan plea for blood just a few weeks before Halloween.
     Well, the need is real and the request is strange enough to appear on this blog. So, donate blood if you can at:
Suncoast Communities Blood Bank
1 (866) 97-BLOOD (972-9662)
www.sccbb.org

Monday, October 1, 2012

People Caught by Squirrel Traps


By Rainbow Starr
Environmental Reporter
VENICE GARDENS, FLORIDA - A local man caught more than he bargained for when he set traps for the squirrels that were eating his mangoes.
    About a half dozen neighbors protested against the traps on Friday. They alleged that the traps break squirrel tails and the trapper drowns the squirrels. The trapper said he only shot one squirrel and threw the carcass in a nearby canal. Mostly, he relocates the squirrels safely to another parcel of his land. An experienced hunter, he said this practice is approved by the state Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission.
     The trapper also set camouflaged motion-activated cameras in his mango tree. He said they captured photos of neighbors trespassing on his property to free squirrels from his traps. On Friday, neighbors complained that the trapper was depleting wildlife in their neighborhood, which is a designated bird sanctuary. They gave written complaints to a Sarasota County Animal Services officer. The officer said she did not detect any legal violations and would pass the buck up to the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission.
      As an experienced hunter, the trapper should've realized that planting mango trees created a new ecosystem that started an extensive food chain. The mangoes attracted squirrels. The squirrels attracted squirrel traps. The squirrel traps attracted animal lovers. The animal lovers attracted the County Animal Services Officer. And now, the county officer will attract the state Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission. Next comes a US Forest Ranger, and then the United Nations World Health Organization.
      Isn't it beautiful, how everyone on Mother Earth is connected by a worldwide web of life and government bureaucracies?