Monday, December 31, 2012

Top 10 Silliest Stories of 2012

By Mark Lucas
News Editor
EARTH - Silly News went on line in late September.  Since then, we have published 59 blog entries that have been read by over 2,500 visitors.  Thanks for visiting us, and we hope you've had a few laughs. We'd like to conclude 2012 with a list of our 10 most popular stories of the year, based upon how many times they have been read.  If you've missed any of them, you might want to go to the archive in the right margin and give them a look.  Here is a countdown of our Best of the Best in 2012.
10. Dominatrix Barbie, Nov. 29, 2012 with 28 hits.  A short story with a photo of a new Barbie doll that comes dressed in PVC and fishnet black stockings.
9. No Sign of Birds, Nov. 29, 2012 with 31 hits.  Rainbow Starr's visit to a Florida wildlife sanctuary with some very humorous trail signs.
8. The Puppet Apocalypse Begins, Nov. 2, 2012.  also with 31 hits. Hundreds of puppeteers marched on Washington D.C. with their puppets to protest against Mitt Romney's threat to fire Big Bird.
7. People Caught by Squirrel Traps, Oct. 1, 2012. with 32 hits.  A Florida neighborhood feuds over trapping squirrels.
6. Tickle Me, Elmo Honey, Nov. 26, 2012. with 33 hits.  The puppeteer of Elmo resigns amid charges of pediphelia.
5. Alleged Cannibal Puppeteer Pleads Not Guilty. Oct. 12, 2012. with 35 hits.  Title says it all.
4. A Sign from Heaven. with 40 hits.  A caption with a photo of a humorous sign outside a Florida church.
3. The Over-the-Hill Gang. Nov. 8, 2012. with 46 hits.  An elderly crime wave strikes Florida.
2. Just a Flesh Wound. Oct. 14, 2012. with 63 hits. The president of Mauritania is accidentally shot by his own troops.
1. Gaga Gags at Gig.  Oct. 11, 2012. with 114 hits. A strange trend of pop rock stars vomiting on stage.

      In addition to this countdown of our most popular stories, I'd also like to name my personal favorite story from the first year of our publication.  "Worst Hostage Ever" published on Oct. 17, 2012 is about a robber who abducted an expensive sex doll at knife point from a porn shop.  It only had 20 hits, but in my opinion it is the craziest and funniest story so far printed at www.silly-news.com
      Please join us in 2013 for more weird but true news stories from all around the world.
      Happy New Year to All!
   

Sunday, December 30, 2012

The Mounties Always Get Their Syrup


By Scoop Cooper
Crime Reporter
KEDGWICK, CANADA - A total of 18 people have been arrested and charged with stealing 9,600 barrels of maple syrup.  Actually, they siphoned off the syrup and left the empty barrels behind.  I doubt the thieves actually clamped hoses in their lips and sucked until they turned blue.  Yet, given the viscosity of syrup, it sounds like like a long, slow heist.  It was.  Somehow, the tons of syrup was gradually drained away from August 2011 to July 2012 without anyone noticing.  An alarming number of empty barrels was finally discovered on August 24 at a huge distribution center in Saint-Louis-de-Blandford.
     The distribution center is owned by a maple syrup cartel (yes there really is such a thing) called the Federation of Quebec Maple Syrup Producers.  The Federation administers a bulk sale system for 7,500 maple syrup producers.  In fact, their warehouse, about 100 miles southwest of Quebec City, contains a total of 3.4 million liters of syrup.  That's 10% of all the maple syrup produced by Quebec, and Quebec produces 75% of all the maple syrup in the world.
     The missing syrup is insured for $18 million, debunking the assumption that Canada has nothing worth stealing.
     Quick as molasses, the stolen syrup was tracked down by the Royal Canadian Mounted Police late in December.  Backed up by the local police, the mounties seized 400,000 pounds of the hot syrup from S.K. Export, an export company in Kedgwick, New Brunswick.  Authorities seek to arrest seven more suspects in connection with the theft.  Personally, I'd look for anyone with sticky hands, hearty lungs and lips like a vice.  Then again, that does describe most Canadians.

Saturday, December 29, 2012

No Friend of Bill W.

By Scoop Cooper
Crime Reporter
DORSET, VERMONT - A man from Marlboro, Massachusetts has been charged with drunk driving after driving his car onto the lawn of a historic house.  According to State Police, the 55-year-old man was so drunk he drove onto the lawn of the Wilson House because he thought it was a parking lot.  Built in 1852, the home is called the Wilson House because William Wilson, a founder of Alcoholics Anonymous, was born there.  Several AA meetings per week are still held at the site.
     The accused drunk driver is scheduled to appear in Bennington court on January 14.  If he's sentenced to attend AA, at least he'll know how to get to the meetings.

Thursday, December 27, 2012

What the Grinch Stole this Christmas

By Scoop Cooper
Crime Reporter
ORLANDO, FLORIDA - Where does an 800 pound gorilla statue go?  Quite a few places, actually.
     Just before Thanksgiving, a 4-foot-tall bronze statue of a gorilla was stolen from the Metropolitan Express hotel.  This already poses three questions. Why did the hotel have a giant bronze statue of a gorilla?  Why would someone steal it and how?
     Well, the hotel is decorated with a jungle theme, including not one, but two, gorilla statues.  The other one  has been chained to a tree since the theft.  The stolen gorilla stood beside the hotel pool, until someone pushed it into the water.  It took 10 hotel workers to get it out and move it outside the pool fence.  So, they were surprised when the statue disappeared.  They suspected that drunks took it after a nearby bar closed at 2:30 a.m. November 24.  Why?  Well, the 800 pound bronze statue is worth between $5,000 and $8,000.
     In early December, the statue was found about four miles from the hotel by a man walking his dog.  It looked like someone had backed up a truck and dumped it into the brush.  The statue slid easily across the wet leaves on the ground. With the help of ONE friend and a dolly, they delivered it to the nearby doorstep of a mutual friend.  So, the 10 hotel workers who moved the gorilla initially were either lazy or weak or both.
     Anyway, the mutual friend was startled when he returned home later to find a giant gorilla standing inexplicably on his doorstep.  He left it standing on his porch for three weeks.  Then, on Tuesday, he did a Google search for a missing bronze gorilla and found an article about the mysterious statue.  It was a Christmas Miracle!
     Police are not filing any charges in connection with the incident.  The hotel just needs to retrieve the heavy statue.  Perhaps, they will send 10 weakling staff workers to pick it up like a bunch of bumbling Keystone Cops.  There is no formal reward for the return of the statue.  However, the bartender at the hotel's Tiki bar did offer a free round of Christmas spirits for anyone who helped to find the wayward gorilla.

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Too Big to Die

By Scoop Cooper
Crime Reporter
COLUMBUS, OHIO - A convicted murderer, who claimed to be too fat to kill, has cheated the executioner.
     He was found guilty of fatally shooting a clerk during a 1983 robbery.  While waiting on death row, he put on a great deal of weight.  Why not?  If I were going to die anyway, it'd be chocolate eclairs and bacon pizza 24/7.  However, his lawyers claimed the prison food was fattening, and his back and knee problems made it difficult to exercise, especially after the exercise bike in the gymn broke under his weight.
      The fat man's mouthpieces argued that he could not be humanely killed back in September, when he weighed in at 480 pounds.  They feared he would crush the gurney when they rolled him out for the lethal injection.  However, the warden released photos of the execution gurney supporting over 500 pounds of dumbbells.  Apparently, the prison gymn has more exercise equipment than just one bike.
     The legal arguments bounced off the prisoner's invulnerable armor of blubber.  Prison doctors really did have a hard time finding his veins beneath the flab.  If they injected the poison directly into his muscles, the execution could take several days of intense pain.  Alternately, they could uncover his veins directly by cutting down through the fat in a process that sounds too grisly to explore.
     The January 16, 2013 execution was finally canceled.  On Monday, Governor John Kasich commuted his death sentence to life imprisonment without parole.  Ironically, weight was not the issue.  The governor found that in the original trial, the fat man had poor legal representation.  Really?  His legal team seems pretty good to me.  They staved off execution for almost 30 years while their client ate his way off death row.
     However, this is still a cautionary tale.  Be careful what you wish for.  After all, the convicted murderer put on all that weight for nothing.  Dieting is hell.  Now, he's trapped, with a bad back and a bad knee, in a prison with limited exercise facilities until the day he dies ... and at 53 years old and 480 pounds that won't be long.
     Justice may be blind, but she has a twisted sense of humor.

   
   
     

   

Kevlar for Christmas?

By Ralph Zenith
Business Reporter
     Every cloud has a silver lining, and this one is bulletproof.
     The stock of firearms manufacturers may be plunging because of the political rhetoric to restrict US gun ownership.  However, the flip side of the civilian arms race is seeing an unprecedented boom.
     A Massachusetts body armor maker, called Bullet Blocker, was more creative with its products than with its name. It makes children's backpacks that look normal but are actually bulletproof.  Starting Friday, sales of these knapsacks multiplied 10 times.
     Amendment II is a maker of body armor based in Salt Lake City, Utah.  After selling products to police and military customers for years, it began inserting bulletproof material into child backpacks six months ago.  It was a small, niche item until last week. Since then, sales  have skyrocketed 500%.  Selling for as little at $300, the backpacks contain 10 ounces of material that will stop a bullet from a .357 Magnum handgun.
     Amendment II is donating a portion of its bulletproof knapsack sales to the families of children who were killed at the Sandy Hook Elementary School in Connecticut.
  

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Guns, Guns Everywhere, but Not a Drop of Sense

By Scoop Cooper
Crime Reporter
FLORIDA - The heightened paranoia of local schools is already clashing with the gun-loving culture of this southern state.
     On Monday afternoon, a very drunk grandfather was arrested after testing the security of two Port Charlotte schools.  His first stop was Kingsway Elementary School.  When confronted by two workers at 2 p.m., he asked if they were the "increased security" measures.  They said yes. He asked if they were armed.  They weren't.  So, the 61-year-old trespasser asked if he could bring a gun to the school.  They said no.  They also kicked him out because he was drunk.
     The undaunted grandpa arrived at Port Charlotte Middle School about 20 minutes later.  The School Resource officer found him stumbling around the parking lot.  Again, he asked if the school worker was armed and if he could bring a gun to the school.  He should've asked if the resource officer was packing a cell phone.  He called the Charlotte County police.  The deputies found an unopened can of beer on the passenger seat of grandpa's car.  They towed his car and arrested him on two counts of disrupting a school function.  He has already been released on $1,000 bond.
     It turns out, the 61-year-old Port Charlotte man does not even own a gun.  He was moved to test the security of local schools out of concern for his grandchild's safety.  In subsequent interviews, he admitted his drunken tour of inspection was a bad idea.  However, he pointed out that if he had been a real gunman, the unarmed school workers who confronted him, could've done little more than absorb the first bullets he fired. Apparently, words of wisdom flow out of the mouths of drunk old rednecks as well as babes.
     Meanwhile, up in Hillsborough County, Florida, a bullet was found on a school bus Monday.  Three local schools were placed in lockdown.  Eventually, a Wharton High School student confessed that he had found the bullet on the ground on his way to school, and it fell out of his pocket during the bus ride.
      This morning, an eighth-grade student found two more bullets on the floor of a school bus in Hillsborough County.  When the bus reached Greco Middle School, the students were searched one at a time by school security and Temple Terrace police officers.  No firearms or additional bullets were found.
      However, the same bus was also ridden by high school students in Tampa.  So, the ironically named Freedom High School, was placed in lockdown.  Tampa police tracked down all the students who rode the bus in question.  Each student was yanked out of class, searched and questioned.  This time, no additional bullets and no explanations were discovered.
      Statistics could not be obtained regarding how many students have been injured by tripping over all the loose ammo rolling around the floors of Florida school buses.
    

Monday, December 17, 2012

Mall Santa Sacked

By Ralph Zenith
Business Reporter
SOUTH PORTLAND, MAINE - So, Evil Elmo isn't the only beloved children's character to recently turn against his fans.
     A South Portland mall is replacing its Santa for naughty behavior.  Parents complained that he was rude and grumpy.  He wouldn't let a six-year-old girl sit on his lap, after her mother declined to purchase a $20 photo of their visit. When the little girl asked for an American Girl doll, Kringle replied that she'd just get an American football.  After mom posted the incident online, other parents stepped forward with similar complaints.
     It sounds like that is one Santa Claus who needs more Christmas spirits to raise his Christmas spirit.  Now, he has one more reason for the Winter Blues.  To paraphrase The Princess Bride, he is "rejected, fat, unemployed, unloved ... In MAINE!" 

Too Many Cooks Spoil the Shot

By Scoop Cooper
Crime Reporter
FLORIDA - Sometimes two serious headlines become crazy due to their proximity to each other.  An example can be found in the Wire Section of  the December 13 Englewood Sun.  On page 5, one headline reads, "Fla. at 1 million with concealed weapons."  The headline immediately below reads, "Police: Man fatally shot roommate over dinner."
     Coincidence? Or are the editors making a subtle connection between the two stories?
     Florida has already issued more permits to carry concealed weapons than any other state in the nation.  The number is expected to reach 1 million sometime this week.  So, any senior citizen you bump into could be packing a firearm.  In Florida, there is also no legal requirement to back down from a fight.  Starting trouble with ANYONE can dangerously escalate.  The resulting cordiality is commonly called "Southern Hospitality."
       Unfortunately, the story under the second headline demonstrates that Southern Hospitality doesn't always work in practice.  Allegedly, a 55-year-old man often returned drunk to his apartment in Holly Hill and argued violently with his roommate.  On December 11, he confessed to shooting his roommate twice in the head during a dispute over the best way to prepare pork chops for dinner.  

Monday, December 3, 2012

Edible Deodorant

By Nicola Braun
Science Reporter
BULGARIA - Just when you thought American swine couldn't get any fatter, modern science produces a new excuse for them to gobble up sweets.
     Anyone who eats Deo Perfume Candy comes out smelling like roses, literally. The new candy contains a sweet scented rose oil.  One serving (four pieces) of candy, will give a 145 pound person a cloying body odor for up to six hours. That shouldn't pose a problem for Americans, who already eat so much sugar that they sweat it from their pores.  However, the candy maker may need to revise its recommended dosage since most Americans weigh far more than 145 pounds.
     Deo Perfume Candy is the product of a truly international collaboration.  It was invented by Bulgarian confectioner Alpi and American health and nutrition company Beneo based on research by Japanese scientists.  Stores already sell bags of Deo Candy to the less smelly citizens of Germany, China, Spain, Korea and Armenia.  Stinking Americans can only buy Deo online for $10 bag.  However, the first batch offered by Amazon.com has already sold out.  Fortunately, a Dutch company is developing a similar product called Swallowable Parfum to help meet the demand.  So, hopefully the problem of fat, smelly Americans will soon resolve itself.