The REAL Batman

By Scoop Cooper
Crime Reporter
PETOSKEY, MICHIGAN - Considering the popularity of superheros, I've sometimes wondered why I never hear about real people attempting to become costumed crime fighters. The world is full of impressionable people with a tenuous grip on reality. We read about all manner of crazy behavior inspired by movies, books and legends.  Why not a superhero?  What would happen if someone in a mask and tights tried to fight crime in real life?  I always assumed they'd be quickly gunned down by criminals with no sense of humor.
      I was half right. Superhero wannabees are quickly arrested by police with no sense of humor.
      Today, the Petoskey Batman pleaded not guilty in 90th District Court to resisting and obstructing police during an investigation.      The charges normally carry a two-year prison sentence.  However, the prosecuting attorney labeled Batman as a habitual offender and is pushing for 15 years behind bars.
      I assure you. It is EXACTLY the way it sounds.
      For the past several years, Mark Wayne has patrolled downtown Petoskey, Michigan, dressed as the popular DC Comics superhero, Batman.  Sometimes, the 33-year-old-man stalks the night on foot, sometimes he drives around with his costumed sidekick, Batgirl.  Neither of the dynamic duo are very articulate in a live interview.  However, the Petoskey Batman and the Petoskey Batgirl eloquently and humbly explain their missions as "crime preventers" on their Facebook pages. They give the stereotypical comic book reasons for donning a superhero costume: to make a statement, take a stand against crime and inspire the public to help enforce the law.  Over 5,000 readers "like" their pages. One or two self-labeled supervillains, like the Detroit Riddler, taunt and ridicule them.
     However, their Facebook pages are also full of calls to help with simple charities and community service events. The Petoskey Batgirl, AKA Brittany Scott, describes herself as a mother of two, and a survivor of cancer and domestic abuse who is studying to become an EMT and a nurse.  She writes that the Petoskey Batman is her hero because he really saved her life twice.  Both of their Facebook pages focus on fighting domestic abuse and child abuse in particular.
     The dynamic duo patrols in costume between 10 p.m. and 3:30 a.m. on Fridays, Saturdays and sometimes Thursdays. They say most local citizens are friendly and encouraging.  Even the local Petoskey police have been cordial and credit Batman with helping them with information on two cases.  However, the Petoskey Batman was arrested when he was sighted atop a local business building in May 2011. He was arrested in possession of a nightstick, mace and weighted gauntlets. In September 2011 he pleaded guilty to resisting and obstructing a police officer.  The court forbade him from wearing costumes during his 6-month probation.
    However, the Petosky Batman was back in costume during his patrol on the night of Sept. 29.  He even beat police to the scene of a car accident where someone had been injured and the suspect had fled on foot. Only this time, he was in Bear Creek and not Petoskey.  So, it was the Michigan State Police, not the local Petoskey police who arrived to investigate. They arrested the caped crusader alleging that he refused to leave the scene even though his scent was confusing the police tracking dogs.  Batman claims he WAS leaving the scene when the state police arrested him anyway.  While riding in the squad car, he said a trooper rudely told him he was really arrested to stop him from frightening the public.
     Is this the end for the dynamic duo?  Will the Petoskey Batman be thrown in a jail full of his arch enemies?  Is Lady Justice truly deaf as well as blind?  Tune in November 21 for the same batty hearing!  In the same batty court!

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Worst Hostage Ever

By Scoop Cooper
Crime Reporter
STILLWATER, OKLAHOMA - A 27-year-old man was arraigned  today for allegedly robbing an adult novelty store of two porn magazines, a blow up sex doll and, oh yeah, $150 in cash.
     While pretending to buy some smut on Oct. 10, the robber reportedly ran behind the cashier and forced his head down on the check out counter.  During the robbery, he allegedly threatened to kill the cashier with a knife, an odd choice of weapon since the robber grabbed a $300 inflatable lady friend before fleeing.
     The robber was disguised in a stringy Halloween wig from a nearby Walmart.  Police were not fooled, and set off in pursuit.  After a five-mile, high speed chase, the suspect smashed his pickup truck into a utility pole. Police subdued the criminal mastermind with two taser jolts. The suspect was not seriously injured. However, his truck was totaled and his latex sidekick mortally wounded. Apparently, the inflatable molly was the brains of the team and enjoyed her brief ride on the wild side.  She died with a smile on her face.