By Mark Lucas
News Editor
TALLAHASSEE, FLORIDA - A Satanic rally downtown this Friday is actually part of a mockumentary film.
Makers of The Temple of Satan pretended to be a real cult when they announced the rally two weeks ago. Unfortunately, The Huffington Post and MSNBC both fell for the hoax in reporting the story. Kudos to Michael Van Sickler at the Miami Herald for uncovering the truth Jan. 16. With a little online research, he found the casting call for The Temple of Satan seeking 18 unpaid extras from all walks of life. They are required to show up for Friday's rally wearing "tasteful Satanic garb."
All 18 parts have been filled.
In the initial press release, The Temple of Satan overlord/spokesman/casting director claimed the devil worshipers were rallying to support Florida's Governor Rick Scott. Last year, he signed a new law that allows students of any denomination to lead prayers in Florida public schools. At Friday's rally, the movie makers will pretend to thank the unpopular Republican governor for allowing Satan worshiping kids to finally come out of the closet and openly recruit for their dark master.
Earlier today, in a press release from Hell, Lucifer denied any affiliation with the cult or the film The Temple of Satan. However, he renewed his support of Governor Rick Scott and the Republican Party.
So, let's recap. A fake documentary is being filmed about fake Satanists who are pretending to support a Christian conservative governor that they really don't like. The hoax was reported as fact by lazy commentators who are not real journalists. Now, YOU are reading the truth which I am writing under a fake pen name on my comical blog, which is not a real news source.
Any questions?
Please return your tray to the upright and locked position as you return to reality.
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Showing posts with label news. Show all posts
Showing posts with label news. Show all posts
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
Harvard Professor Seeks Adventurous Woman for Sexual Experimentation
By Nicola Braun
Science Reporter
CAMBRIDGE, MASSACHUSETTS - Many of yesterday's headlines read like singles ads and were just as misleading.
Today, a Harvard University professor denied that he seeks a woman to give birth to a clone of a neanderthal caveman. Professor George M. Church may look like Ron Pearlman in Quest for Fire, but he is a world renown geneticist. He helped launch the human genome project that deciphered human DNA. So, when Church talks, people listen.
Unfortunately, Church said his interview with the German magazine Der Spiegel was badly mistranslated. By the time his words had been converted to German and then back to English, his meaning had mutated faster than a monster from a B-rate science fiction movie. Then, the reports of his mad scientist scheme spread around the world media faster than a virus from a doomsday film.
In fact, Church had only said that cloning a neanderthal from fossils would soon be possible. He said finding a woman willing to carry and deliver the baby would be harder than solving the technical problems. The prospect of resurrecting extinct cavemen raised so many social and ethical questions that Church warned the public to start debating the issues now.
Naturally, it took a Massachusetts newspaper to set the world media straight. Church said a follow-up interview with the Boston Herald got all the facts right. Ironically, the Herald is just a tabloid. The Boston Globe is actually that city's world class newspaper. It's a sad day indeed when the Boston Herald has to be the voice of reason.
Science Reporter
CAMBRIDGE, MASSACHUSETTS - Many of yesterday's headlines read like singles ads and were just as misleading.
Today, a Harvard University professor denied that he seeks a woman to give birth to a clone of a neanderthal caveman. Professor George M. Church may look like Ron Pearlman in Quest for Fire, but he is a world renown geneticist. He helped launch the human genome project that deciphered human DNA. So, when Church talks, people listen.
Unfortunately, Church said his interview with the German magazine Der Spiegel was badly mistranslated. By the time his words had been converted to German and then back to English, his meaning had mutated faster than a monster from a B-rate science fiction movie. Then, the reports of his mad scientist scheme spread around the world media faster than a virus from a doomsday film.
In fact, Church had only said that cloning a neanderthal from fossils would soon be possible. He said finding a woman willing to carry and deliver the baby would be harder than solving the technical problems. The prospect of resurrecting extinct cavemen raised so many social and ethical questions that Church warned the public to start debating the issues now.
Naturally, it took a Massachusetts newspaper to set the world media straight. Church said a follow-up interview with the Boston Herald got all the facts right. Ironically, the Herald is just a tabloid. The Boston Globe is actually that city's world class newspaper. It's a sad day indeed when the Boston Herald has to be the voice of reason.
Saturday, January 19, 2013
Python Challenge 2013
By Rainbow Starr
Environmental Reporter
EVERGLADES, FLORIDA - When He kicked Adam and Eve out of Eden, God said to the serpent, "I will put enmity between thee and the woman, and between thy seed and her seed. He shall bruise thy head, and thou shalt bruise his heel."
Well, God wasn't just whistling Dixie.
Like a scene from a B-grade horror film, over 800 hunters are crashing through the swamp with guns and machetes this weekend. Their goal is to kill as many Burmese pythons as possible (between beers). Up to 180,000 Burmese pythons have invaded Everglades National Park. So, the park has declared open season on the dangerous snakes which can grow 20 feet long and weigh up to 200 lbs.
What could go wrong?
In one corner, we have drunken Rednecks! About 30 of them are licensed and experienced snake hunters. The majority only needed to buy a $25 permit and watch a 30 minute training seminar to participate in Florida's first big snake hunt. In the other corner, we have some of the largest constrictors in the world! Burmese pythons have camouflaged brown and black skin, can climb trees and stay underwater for up to 30 minutes. They've already reduced the local population of small native mammals such as rabbits, opossums, raccoons and bobcats by up to 99%. A few months ago, a 16-foot python was killed in Florida and found with a 76 lb. deer in it's stomach.
Perhaps, the hunt was really proposed by the pythons to cull the Redneck population.
Everglades National Park has been prudently closed to the general public from Jan. 12 to Feb. 10 for the duration of Python Challenge 2013. As of Thursday, the score stood Rednecks 21, Pythons 0. A record cold snap during the first two weeks of 2010 might have already killed off the pythons and left few to be found this year. The low temperatures are one reason the Python Challenge was held at this time. Wildlife officials hoped the cold-blooded snakes would sluggishly slither into the open to warm themselves in the sunlight. Personally, I think the obvious date to schedule a traditional snake drive would be St. Patrick's Day.
Python Challenge 2013 will pay prizes to the most successful snake hunters. The largest Burmese python killed will be worth $1,000. The hunter who kills the most pythons will win $1,500. Roadkill doesn't count. The rules followed by the pythons are unknown but probably similar.
The low number of snakes killed so far has not disappointed the organizers of Python Challenge 2013. They admit the hunt is unlikely to stem the population explosion of pythons in Florida. They say the hunt will teach a lot about Burmese pythons to the general public as well as the wildlife officials who are studying the problem.
The snake hunt has already attracted a couple of local celebrities. Democratic US Senator and beady-eyed-good-old-boy Bill Nelson futilely hunted the Everglades on Thursday. Another participant is self-made millionaire "Alligator Ron" Bergeron. Known for rodeo riding and gator wrestling, the 68-year-old rancher owns a fleet of air boats. However, he hunts pythons from a black air boat adorned with a portrait of him riding a gator.
So, has the state had any input into Python Challenge 2013? What does the Florida Wildlife Commission think of all this commotion in Everglades National Park? Oh. Alligator Ron is a Florida Wildlife Commissioner (Bark up the wrong tree, and you find a nut).
As the name suggests, Burmese pythons are native to southeast Asia. Ironically, they are endangered there because the snakes are killed for their skins and captured to sell as pets in ... wait for it ... America! About 99,000 Burmese pythons were imported to the US between 1996 and 2006 and were sold for as little as $20 each. When they grew up, or fell out of fashion, many of them were set free in the wild. The first Burmese python was spotted in the Everglades in 1979. However, the population didn't take off until 1992 when Hurricane Andrew hit a python breeder in Florida. The escaped pythons thrived in the isolated subtropical environment of southern Florida. And when a daddy snake finds a mommy snake and loves her very, very much (insert cheesy synthesizer music here). Female Burmese pythons can lay up to 100 eggs, and the hatchlings are larger and grow much faster than native Florida snakes.
The hunters are required to "humanely" kill their catches by shooting them in the head or decapitating them with a machete. Of course, the buzz killers at People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals don't see it that way. In a press release, PETA President Ingrid E. Newkirk states, "This bounty hunt is misguided in the first place, but allowing hunters to decapitate pythons, who remain alive and in agony and who will writhe for an hour even after their heads have been cut off - is despicably cruel. Many of these animals were once pets, who have since been thrown out like garbage, and the Florida Wildlife Commission has an obligation to ensure that they don't suffer any more than they already have."
What a stick-in-the-mud!
PETA called on Florida snake hunters to sheath their machetes and kill the pythons with a merciful gunshot to the head. Personally, I don't see how that is more humane. If the snake can writhe around for an hour without any head at all, then it's brain is not a vital organ. Then again, I could say the same about a lot of Rednecks. So, I suppose it's an even duel of wits out in the Everglades.
If you enjoyed this article, please click on one of the buttons below to leave a comment or share it with friends by email, Google, Facebook, Tweet, twit, squawk, cackle etc.
Environmental Reporter
EVERGLADES, FLORIDA - When He kicked Adam and Eve out of Eden, God said to the serpent, "I will put enmity between thee and the woman, and between thy seed and her seed. He shall bruise thy head, and thou shalt bruise his heel."
Well, God wasn't just whistling Dixie.
Like a scene from a B-grade horror film, over 800 hunters are crashing through the swamp with guns and machetes this weekend. Their goal is to kill as many Burmese pythons as possible (between beers). Up to 180,000 Burmese pythons have invaded Everglades National Park. So, the park has declared open season on the dangerous snakes which can grow 20 feet long and weigh up to 200 lbs.
What could go wrong?
In one corner, we have drunken Rednecks! About 30 of them are licensed and experienced snake hunters. The majority only needed to buy a $25 permit and watch a 30 minute training seminar to participate in Florida's first big snake hunt. In the other corner, we have some of the largest constrictors in the world! Burmese pythons have camouflaged brown and black skin, can climb trees and stay underwater for up to 30 minutes. They've already reduced the local population of small native mammals such as rabbits, opossums, raccoons and bobcats by up to 99%. A few months ago, a 16-foot python was killed in Florida and found with a 76 lb. deer in it's stomach.
Perhaps, the hunt was really proposed by the pythons to cull the Redneck population.
Everglades National Park has been prudently closed to the general public from Jan. 12 to Feb. 10 for the duration of Python Challenge 2013. As of Thursday, the score stood Rednecks 21, Pythons 0. A record cold snap during the first two weeks of 2010 might have already killed off the pythons and left few to be found this year. The low temperatures are one reason the Python Challenge was held at this time. Wildlife officials hoped the cold-blooded snakes would sluggishly slither into the open to warm themselves in the sunlight. Personally, I think the obvious date to schedule a traditional snake drive would be St. Patrick's Day.
Python Challenge 2013 will pay prizes to the most successful snake hunters. The largest Burmese python killed will be worth $1,000. The hunter who kills the most pythons will win $1,500. Roadkill doesn't count. The rules followed by the pythons are unknown but probably similar.
The low number of snakes killed so far has not disappointed the organizers of Python Challenge 2013. They admit the hunt is unlikely to stem the population explosion of pythons in Florida. They say the hunt will teach a lot about Burmese pythons to the general public as well as the wildlife officials who are studying the problem.
The snake hunt has already attracted a couple of local celebrities. Democratic US Senator and beady-eyed-good-old-boy Bill Nelson futilely hunted the Everglades on Thursday. Another participant is self-made millionaire "Alligator Ron" Bergeron. Known for rodeo riding and gator wrestling, the 68-year-old rancher owns a fleet of air boats. However, he hunts pythons from a black air boat adorned with a portrait of him riding a gator.
So, has the state had any input into Python Challenge 2013? What does the Florida Wildlife Commission think of all this commotion in Everglades National Park? Oh. Alligator Ron is a Florida Wildlife Commissioner (Bark up the wrong tree, and you find a nut).
As the name suggests, Burmese pythons are native to southeast Asia. Ironically, they are endangered there because the snakes are killed for their skins and captured to sell as pets in ... wait for it ... America! About 99,000 Burmese pythons were imported to the US between 1996 and 2006 and were sold for as little as $20 each. When they grew up, or fell out of fashion, many of them were set free in the wild. The first Burmese python was spotted in the Everglades in 1979. However, the population didn't take off until 1992 when Hurricane Andrew hit a python breeder in Florida. The escaped pythons thrived in the isolated subtropical environment of southern Florida. And when a daddy snake finds a mommy snake and loves her very, very much (insert cheesy synthesizer music here). Female Burmese pythons can lay up to 100 eggs, and the hatchlings are larger and grow much faster than native Florida snakes.
The hunters are required to "humanely" kill their catches by shooting them in the head or decapitating them with a machete. Of course, the buzz killers at People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals don't see it that way. In a press release, PETA President Ingrid E. Newkirk states, "This bounty hunt is misguided in the first place, but allowing hunters to decapitate pythons, who remain alive and in agony and who will writhe for an hour even after their heads have been cut off - is despicably cruel. Many of these animals were once pets, who have since been thrown out like garbage, and the Florida Wildlife Commission has an obligation to ensure that they don't suffer any more than they already have."
What a stick-in-the-mud!
PETA called on Florida snake hunters to sheath their machetes and kill the pythons with a merciful gunshot to the head. Personally, I don't see how that is more humane. If the snake can writhe around for an hour without any head at all, then it's brain is not a vital organ. Then again, I could say the same about a lot of Rednecks. So, I suppose it's an even duel of wits out in the Everglades.
If you enjoyed this article, please click on one of the buttons below to leave a comment or share it with friends by email, Google, Facebook, Tweet, twit, squawk, cackle etc.
Friday, January 18, 2013
Every Time He Thinks He's Out, They Pull him Back In.
By Rainbow Starr
Environmental Reporter
NAPLES, FLORIDA - Boo Boo the bear is back in his cage safe and sound.
Some residents of the Golden Gate area have kept their children inside since the 125 lb. grizzly cub escaped on Tuesday afternoon. After three days of searching, he was spotted by neighbors about two miles from his home late on Thursday. He was tranquilized and captured by authorities at about 1 p.m. today.
Boo Boo, his brother Yogi and their mother are part of a licensed attraction called, "A Grizzly Experience." Their owners also take the three bears to fairs and exhibits around the country and teach seminars on how to be safe near grizzly bears.
Authorities have yet to decide whether or not Boo Boo's owners should face charges or fines over the incident. They haven't even determined how Boo Boo escaped or how to prevent another breakout. After a brief taste of freedom, they'll never hold him. He's probably already working on a tunnel.
This is a follow-up to an earlier story entitled "Smarter than the Average Bear."
Environmental Reporter
NAPLES, FLORIDA - Boo Boo the bear is back in his cage safe and sound.
Some residents of the Golden Gate area have kept their children inside since the 125 lb. grizzly cub escaped on Tuesday afternoon. After three days of searching, he was spotted by neighbors about two miles from his home late on Thursday. He was tranquilized and captured by authorities at about 1 p.m. today.
Boo Boo, his brother Yogi and their mother are part of a licensed attraction called, "A Grizzly Experience." Their owners also take the three bears to fairs and exhibits around the country and teach seminars on how to be safe near grizzly bears.
Authorities have yet to decide whether or not Boo Boo's owners should face charges or fines over the incident. They haven't even determined how Boo Boo escaped or how to prevent another breakout. After a brief taste of freedom, they'll never hold him. He's probably already working on a tunnel.
This is a follow-up to an earlier story entitled "Smarter than the Average Bear."
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
Smarter Than the Average Bear
By Rainbow Starr
Environmental Reporter
NAPLES, FLORIDA - Local authorities are scouring Golden Gate Estates for an escaped grizzly bear. State wildlife officers and Collier County deputies are searching on foot, by car and in a low flying helicopter. That's right. In CB radio jargon, they even have "a bear in the air."
Everyone is still wondering how the grizzly bear escaped on Tuesday morning. I'm wondering why there's a grizzly bear in Florida. It turns out a local resident has permits for the THREE grizzlies that he keeps in a cage behind his house. WHY? Because he uses them to teach local residents about being safe around grizzly bears. That's odd. Smaller black bears live in Florida. However, there are no grizzly bears in the Florida wilderness... until NOW! This guy has just created a need for his own seminars, and everyone in Naples is getting a free demo whether they want one or not!
The man owns an adult Mama bear and two cubs. Fortunately (and I use the word loosely), the escapee is one of the two-year-old cubs and not the big Mama. So, the cub, named Boo-Boo, ONLY weighs 125 lbs. An adult male grizzly can weigh up to ten times more. Boo-Boo is not aggressive, but authorities are advising area residents not to approach him. What if Boo-Boo approaches residents? Local authorities say people shouldn't run away. In the most questionable public safety tip since "duck and cover," local residents are advised to stand their ground, clap their hands loudly and shout, "Bear Go Home!"
Right.
If the neighbors believe that one, I have some swamp land I'd like to sell them in Florida. Wait! They already fell for that one!
Where did clapping hands as a defensive strategy come from? Is this one of the safety tips the owner has been teaching in his grizzly bear seminars? And I thought playing dead was bad advise for surviving a bear attack. I'll tell you what! If you and I are walking through Naples and Boo-Boo comes along, you stay and clap. I'll run like hell. After you applaud the grizzly bear for mauling you, you should be able to do a VERY convincing job of playing dead. By the time Boo-Boo Bear is done eating you, I'll have a healthy head start, and he'll be too bloated to catch me. That's my strategy for surviving a bear attack. Maybe I'll teach my own seminar.
This is Boo-Boo's first jaunt in the wild, and the two-year-old cub won't know how to survive. So, nearby residents have been advised to thoroughly secure their garbage. Authorities hope that Boo-Boo will find his way home. They are also trying to use his brother, Yogi, to lure him out of the forest. Based on their names, I'd recommend using picnic baskets as bait, but, hey, what do I know? The whole clapping thing was news to me ...
This story of Boo-Boo's breakout is concluded in "Every Time He Thinks He's Out, They Pull Him Back In."
Environmental Reporter
NAPLES, FLORIDA - Local authorities are scouring Golden Gate Estates for an escaped grizzly bear. State wildlife officers and Collier County deputies are searching on foot, by car and in a low flying helicopter. That's right. In CB radio jargon, they even have "a bear in the air."
Everyone is still wondering how the grizzly bear escaped on Tuesday morning. I'm wondering why there's a grizzly bear in Florida. It turns out a local resident has permits for the THREE grizzlies that he keeps in a cage behind his house. WHY? Because he uses them to teach local residents about being safe around grizzly bears. That's odd. Smaller black bears live in Florida. However, there are no grizzly bears in the Florida wilderness... until NOW! This guy has just created a need for his own seminars, and everyone in Naples is getting a free demo whether they want one or not!
The man owns an adult Mama bear and two cubs. Fortunately (and I use the word loosely), the escapee is one of the two-year-old cubs and not the big Mama. So, the cub, named Boo-Boo, ONLY weighs 125 lbs. An adult male grizzly can weigh up to ten times more. Boo-Boo is not aggressive, but authorities are advising area residents not to approach him. What if Boo-Boo approaches residents? Local authorities say people shouldn't run away. In the most questionable public safety tip since "duck and cover," local residents are advised to stand their ground, clap their hands loudly and shout, "Bear Go Home!"
Right.
If the neighbors believe that one, I have some swamp land I'd like to sell them in Florida. Wait! They already fell for that one!
Where did clapping hands as a defensive strategy come from? Is this one of the safety tips the owner has been teaching in his grizzly bear seminars? And I thought playing dead was bad advise for surviving a bear attack. I'll tell you what! If you and I are walking through Naples and Boo-Boo comes along, you stay and clap. I'll run like hell. After you applaud the grizzly bear for mauling you, you should be able to do a VERY convincing job of playing dead. By the time Boo-Boo Bear is done eating you, I'll have a healthy head start, and he'll be too bloated to catch me. That's my strategy for surviving a bear attack. Maybe I'll teach my own seminar.
This is Boo-Boo's first jaunt in the wild, and the two-year-old cub won't know how to survive. So, nearby residents have been advised to thoroughly secure their garbage. Authorities hope that Boo-Boo will find his way home. They are also trying to use his brother, Yogi, to lure him out of the forest. Based on their names, I'd recommend using picnic baskets as bait, but, hey, what do I know? The whole clapping thing was news to me ...
This story of Boo-Boo's breakout is concluded in "Every Time He Thinks He's Out, They Pull Him Back In."
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
Obama Destroys Death Star with The Farce
By Nicola Braun
Science Reporter
WASHINGTON, D.C. - There has been a tremendous disturbance in the Force, as if 34,435 geeks cried out together and were suddenly silenced.
A petition to build a Death Star by 2016 has been shot down by US President Barack Obama. The petition started in November on the White House's official We the People website. Obama has a standing promise to reply to any petition there that gains more than 25,000 signatures. So, thousands of smart and educated geeks decided to use this avenue to waste government time and money rather than do something constructive.
Their proposal claims that building a Death Star would improve national defense and generate a lot of new jobs. On Friday, an official reply titled, "This Isn't the Petition Response You're Looking For" was issued by Paul Shawcross, chief science weenie at the White House Office of Management and Budget. As the title suggests, the response is full of hip insider references to the Star Wars films.
The White House lists three reasons for not building a Death Star. The Obama administration does not approve of blowing up planets. At a time when the White House is struggling to reduce the federal deficit, a Death Star would cost a budget-busting $850 quadrillion. Don't let it be said that Obama is so liberal that he never met an expensive public program he didn't want to fund. Shawcross also pointed out that the giant space station had a fatal Achilles Heel in the form of a two-meter-wide-shaft leading directly to the reactor core. This design flaw allowed Luke Skywalker to destroy the Death Star from a small X-wing fighter with a far more economical price tag.
The online discussion does not mention the fact that we don't have the technology to exceed the speed of light or build a laser that can destroy an entire planet. The $850 quadrillion price tag only covers the initial construction cost and not the ongoing payroll for manning a space station the size of a moon.
In his response, Shawcross lists many recent scientific discoveries and accomplishments by NASA in a futile attempt to appease the sci-fi fans behind the Death Star petition. This includes the International Space Station, a five-bedroom satellite the size of a football field that cost a paltry $100 billion to put into orbit.
"We are living in the future! Enjoy it," Shawcross exalts, "Or, better yet, help build it by pursuing a career in science, technology, engineering or math-related field."
Don't despair, science fiction nerds. Another petition to build the starship Enterprise has already gathered over 19,000 signatures in the past month.
Science Reporter
WASHINGTON, D.C. - There has been a tremendous disturbance in the Force, as if 34,435 geeks cried out together and were suddenly silenced.
A petition to build a Death Star by 2016 has been shot down by US President Barack Obama. The petition started in November on the White House's official We the People website. Obama has a standing promise to reply to any petition there that gains more than 25,000 signatures. So, thousands of smart and educated geeks decided to use this avenue to waste government time and money rather than do something constructive.
Their proposal claims that building a Death Star would improve national defense and generate a lot of new jobs. On Friday, an official reply titled, "This Isn't the Petition Response You're Looking For" was issued by Paul Shawcross, chief science weenie at the White House Office of Management and Budget. As the title suggests, the response is full of hip insider references to the Star Wars films.
The White House lists three reasons for not building a Death Star. The Obama administration does not approve of blowing up planets. At a time when the White House is struggling to reduce the federal deficit, a Death Star would cost a budget-busting $850 quadrillion. Don't let it be said that Obama is so liberal that he never met an expensive public program he didn't want to fund. Shawcross also pointed out that the giant space station had a fatal Achilles Heel in the form of a two-meter-wide-shaft leading directly to the reactor core. This design flaw allowed Luke Skywalker to destroy the Death Star from a small X-wing fighter with a far more economical price tag.
The online discussion does not mention the fact that we don't have the technology to exceed the speed of light or build a laser that can destroy an entire planet. The $850 quadrillion price tag only covers the initial construction cost and not the ongoing payroll for manning a space station the size of a moon.
In his response, Shawcross lists many recent scientific discoveries and accomplishments by NASA in a futile attempt to appease the sci-fi fans behind the Death Star petition. This includes the International Space Station, a five-bedroom satellite the size of a football field that cost a paltry $100 billion to put into orbit.
"We are living in the future! Enjoy it," Shawcross exalts, "Or, better yet, help build it by pursuing a career in science, technology, engineering or math-related field."
Don't despair, science fiction nerds. Another petition to build the starship Enterprise has already gathered over 19,000 signatures in the past month.
Thursday, January 10, 2013
The Short Life of a Lion
By Rainbow Starr
Environmental Reporter
NORFOLK, VIRGINIA - Local residents called 911 to report a lion frolicking down the streets Tuesday morning. The police quickly called the Virginia Zoo to check if any lions had escaped. Zoo workers found both lions quietly sleeping in their cage.
However, the dubious Norfolk Police dispatchers continued to receive lion sightings. Some frightened witnesses surmised that it was a juvenile lion because it was about the size of a Labrador retriever. Actually, it was exactly the size of a Labrador retriever because that's what it turned out to be. Charles the Monarch is a 3-year-old cross between a Labrador retriever and a poodle. His owner shaves his brown fur to give him a lush mane and a big tuft at the end of his tail. This is a traditional hairstyle for poodles that is actually called a lion cut. It also makes Charles resemble the lion mascot of Old Dominion University. The owner of Charles is a big sports fan and his daughter attends the school.
Charles the Monarch is already making the rounds on TV talk shows. Over 34,000 people like his page on Facebook.
If you enjoyed this story, please use the buttons below to email it, share, tweet, squawk and quack it to all your friends. Thanks!
Environmental Reporter
NORFOLK, VIRGINIA - Local residents called 911 to report a lion frolicking down the streets Tuesday morning. The police quickly called the Virginia Zoo to check if any lions had escaped. Zoo workers found both lions quietly sleeping in their cage.
However, the dubious Norfolk Police dispatchers continued to receive lion sightings. Some frightened witnesses surmised that it was a juvenile lion because it was about the size of a Labrador retriever. Actually, it was exactly the size of a Labrador retriever because that's what it turned out to be. Charles the Monarch is a 3-year-old cross between a Labrador retriever and a poodle. His owner shaves his brown fur to give him a lush mane and a big tuft at the end of his tail. This is a traditional hairstyle for poodles that is actually called a lion cut. It also makes Charles resemble the lion mascot of Old Dominion University. The owner of Charles is a big sports fan and his daughter attends the school.
Charles the Monarch is already making the rounds on TV talk shows. Over 34,000 people like his page on Facebook.
If you enjoyed this story, please use the buttons below to email it, share, tweet, squawk and quack it to all your friends. Thanks!
Friday, January 4, 2013
What Goes Up Must Come Down
By Scoop Cooper
Crime Reporter
Floridians welcomed the New Year by randomly shooting a small boy and a little old lady. Both people made the mistake of watching public fireworks displays without wearing helmets. The 8-year-old boy was hit in the right foot just before midnight Tuesday in Jacksonville. The 67-year-old woman was shot in the wrist in St. Petersburg. They were hit by celebratory gunfire as the bullets rained back to Earth on New Year's Eve.
Celebratory gunfire is the time honored American tradition of expressing excitement by shooting a gun into the air, usually while shouting "Yee Haw!" Bullets are small. The country is big. What are the odds that someone will be hit? Apparently, the chances are getting pretty good in Florida, where one in 20 people are licensed to carry concealed firearms. This leads the nation with over one million permits for people to sneak around the state with guns. It doesn't even include all the people with rifles and shotguns stored and displayed in their homes and vehicles. Florida doesn't even keep track of them.
Everyone shot on New Year's Eve in Florida wasn't hit by friendly fire. Sgt. Larry Gleockler was patroling in Arcadia when he saw two trespassers in Oak Ridge Cemetery. After calling backup, the 33-year-old officer approached the two youths. One looked pale, thin and about 6-foot-six-inches tall. Gleockler described the other youth as a foot shorter and having a "darker complexion." The youths split-up and fled. In a shocking break with southern tradition, Gleockler pursued the white suspect.
Brandishing his electric Taser, Gleockler cornered the suspect against a headstone and a tree. The youth turned to surrender with one hand raised overhead. In his other hand, he carried a gun and shot Gleockler in the chest. An 11-year veteran of the Arcadia Police Department, Gleockler knew enough to wear his bulletproof vest on New Year's Eve. It deflected the slug from his heart.
Finally seized by the holiday spirit, Gleockler dropped his wimpy Taser, drew his sidearm and returned fire with real bullets, like a red-blooded America! His attacker fell to the ground. Then he got up and ran away. So, I'm thinking the youth was wearing a bulletproof vest too. After all, it was New Year's Eve. You see? If everyone takes basic precautions, no one gets hurt. Well, not seriously hurt. Gleockler was grazed in the shoulder and needed seven stitches.
Florida authorities take a dim view of shooting police officers, even on New Year's Eve. The Desoto and Sarasota county sheriffs scoured the area all night with deputies, dogs and even a helicopter in a flashy display of tax dollars. When no one was captured, they offered a reward for information on the case.
That's that.
Now, if these three Americans had been shot by foreign terrorists, we'd already be bombing their home country, plus Iraq. However, we take domestic violence in stride. We accept an ambient level of danger because we live in a free country. Winging a cop, a boy and a little old lady is a small price to pay for our civil liberties. Cowards who want to live in safe slavery can get out of our country (if they can scale that big wall we just built). We should be willing to face the same dangers that our forefathers did when they fought and died to protect our rights. When the greatest generation stormed Omaha Beach, the GIs said:
"We've got to destroy that bunker! If the Nazis push us back, they could win the war and force affordable health insurance on future generations!"
"Over my dead body, sarge!"
BOOM! BANG! RAT-A-TAT-TAT
"OK, then we have to charge up this hill! A lot of us won't make it! Those new fangled German assault rifles really throw a lot of lead! They're darn good guns! I want my grandchildren to buy them without any background checks or long waiting lists ... Aaargh!"
"NO! The krauts shot, sarge! Let's go! Do it for sarge, and for slightly lower taxes someday! Charge!"
Those might not have been their exact words, but I'm sure that was the American spirit on D-Day.
Crime Reporter
Floridians welcomed the New Year by randomly shooting a small boy and a little old lady. Both people made the mistake of watching public fireworks displays without wearing helmets. The 8-year-old boy was hit in the right foot just before midnight Tuesday in Jacksonville. The 67-year-old woman was shot in the wrist in St. Petersburg. They were hit by celebratory gunfire as the bullets rained back to Earth on New Year's Eve.
Celebratory gunfire is the time honored American tradition of expressing excitement by shooting a gun into the air, usually while shouting "Yee Haw!" Bullets are small. The country is big. What are the odds that someone will be hit? Apparently, the chances are getting pretty good in Florida, where one in 20 people are licensed to carry concealed firearms. This leads the nation with over one million permits for people to sneak around the state with guns. It doesn't even include all the people with rifles and shotguns stored and displayed in their homes and vehicles. Florida doesn't even keep track of them.
Everyone shot on New Year's Eve in Florida wasn't hit by friendly fire. Sgt. Larry Gleockler was patroling in Arcadia when he saw two trespassers in Oak Ridge Cemetery. After calling backup, the 33-year-old officer approached the two youths. One looked pale, thin and about 6-foot-six-inches tall. Gleockler described the other youth as a foot shorter and having a "darker complexion." The youths split-up and fled. In a shocking break with southern tradition, Gleockler pursued the white suspect.
Brandishing his electric Taser, Gleockler cornered the suspect against a headstone and a tree. The youth turned to surrender with one hand raised overhead. In his other hand, he carried a gun and shot Gleockler in the chest. An 11-year veteran of the Arcadia Police Department, Gleockler knew enough to wear his bulletproof vest on New Year's Eve. It deflected the slug from his heart.
Finally seized by the holiday spirit, Gleockler dropped his wimpy Taser, drew his sidearm and returned fire with real bullets, like a red-blooded America! His attacker fell to the ground. Then he got up and ran away. So, I'm thinking the youth was wearing a bulletproof vest too. After all, it was New Year's Eve. You see? If everyone takes basic precautions, no one gets hurt. Well, not seriously hurt. Gleockler was grazed in the shoulder and needed seven stitches.
Florida authorities take a dim view of shooting police officers, even on New Year's Eve. The Desoto and Sarasota county sheriffs scoured the area all night with deputies, dogs and even a helicopter in a flashy display of tax dollars. When no one was captured, they offered a reward for information on the case.
That's that.
Now, if these three Americans had been shot by foreign terrorists, we'd already be bombing their home country, plus Iraq. However, we take domestic violence in stride. We accept an ambient level of danger because we live in a free country. Winging a cop, a boy and a little old lady is a small price to pay for our civil liberties. Cowards who want to live in safe slavery can get out of our country (if they can scale that big wall we just built). We should be willing to face the same dangers that our forefathers did when they fought and died to protect our rights. When the greatest generation stormed Omaha Beach, the GIs said:
"We've got to destroy that bunker! If the Nazis push us back, they could win the war and force affordable health insurance on future generations!"
"Over my dead body, sarge!"
BOOM! BANG! RAT-A-TAT-TAT
"OK, then we have to charge up this hill! A lot of us won't make it! Those new fangled German assault rifles really throw a lot of lead! They're darn good guns! I want my grandchildren to buy them without any background checks or long waiting lists ... Aaargh!"
"NO! The krauts shot, sarge! Let's go! Do it for sarge, and for slightly lower taxes someday! Charge!"
Those might not have been their exact words, but I'm sure that was the American spirit on D-Day.
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
Willy Wonka Meets Doctor Who
By Socrates Paparazzi
Arts & Entertainment Reporter
MIDDLETON, CONNECTICUT - The traditional gingerbread house is too mundane for the Miliks. In past years, this creative theater arts family has used holiday candy to build things such as the Eiffel Tower and Hogwart's school of magic. This year, they built a 14-inch-tall gingerbread Dalek.
For those who are not sci fi fans, the Daleks are the arch enemies of the BBC time traveler Doctor Who. The cyborgs are known for hysterically screaming, "EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE!" as they ride around in mechanized war machines that look like tricked out salt shakers. Despite their genocidal tendencies, the power crazed aliens just seem funny to little seven-year-old Aeris Milik.
"She's not scared of them at all," according to her father, Christian.
When they noticed that Lindt chocolate balls look like the bumpy grill of a Dalek war machine, the idea for this year's Milik holiday project was born. He said it took about five hours over one weekend to bake, build and decorate their unique creation. A candy cane serves as the Dalek's ray gun and a lollipop has been substituted for the cyborg's plunger-like arm. However, Christian said the greatest challenge was cementing together gingerbread panels to build the sides of the hollow war machine. They used royal icing. Christian said the whole sculpture is edible and is still being devoured.
"People have just been, kinda, breaking off pieces," he said.
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Monday, December 31, 2012
Top 10 Silliest Stories of 2012
By Mark Lucas
News Editor
EARTH - Silly News went on line in late September. Since then, we have published 59 blog entries that have been read by over 2,500 visitors. Thanks for visiting us, and we hope you've had a few laughs. We'd like to conclude 2012 with a list of our 10 most popular stories of the year, based upon how many times they have been read. If you've missed any of them, you might want to go to the archive in the right margin and give them a look. Here is a countdown of our Best of the Best in 2012.
10. Dominatrix Barbie, Nov. 29, 2012 with 28 hits. A short story with a photo of a new Barbie doll that comes dressed in PVC and fishnet black stockings.
9. No Sign of Birds, Nov. 29, 2012 with 31 hits. Rainbow Starr's visit to a Florida wildlife sanctuary with some very humorous trail signs.
8. The Puppet Apocalypse Begins, Nov. 2, 2012. also with 31 hits. Hundreds of puppeteers marched on Washington D.C. with their puppets to protest against Mitt Romney's threat to fire Big Bird.
7. People Caught by Squirrel Traps, Oct. 1, 2012. with 32 hits. A Florida neighborhood feuds over trapping squirrels.
6. Tickle Me, Elmo Honey, Nov. 26, 2012. with 33 hits. The puppeteer of Elmo resigns amid charges of pediphelia.
5. Alleged Cannibal Puppeteer Pleads Not Guilty. Oct. 12, 2012. with 35 hits. Title says it all.
4. A Sign from Heaven. with 40 hits. A caption with a photo of a humorous sign outside a Florida church.
3. The Over-the-Hill Gang. Nov. 8, 2012. with 46 hits. An elderly crime wave strikes Florida.
2. Just a Flesh Wound. Oct. 14, 2012. with 63 hits. The president of Mauritania is accidentally shot by his own troops.
1. Gaga Gags at Gig. Oct. 11, 2012. with 114 hits. A strange trend of pop rock stars vomiting on stage.
In addition to this countdown of our most popular stories, I'd also like to name my personal favorite story from the first year of our publication. "Worst Hostage Ever" published on Oct. 17, 2012 is about a robber who abducted an expensive sex doll at knife point from a porn shop. It only had 20 hits, but in my opinion it is the craziest and funniest story so far printed at www.silly-news.com
Please join us in 2013 for more weird but true news stories from all around the world.
Happy New Year to All!
News Editor
EARTH - Silly News went on line in late September. Since then, we have published 59 blog entries that have been read by over 2,500 visitors. Thanks for visiting us, and we hope you've had a few laughs. We'd like to conclude 2012 with a list of our 10 most popular stories of the year, based upon how many times they have been read. If you've missed any of them, you might want to go to the archive in the right margin and give them a look. Here is a countdown of our Best of the Best in 2012.
10. Dominatrix Barbie, Nov. 29, 2012 with 28 hits. A short story with a photo of a new Barbie doll that comes dressed in PVC and fishnet black stockings.
9. No Sign of Birds, Nov. 29, 2012 with 31 hits. Rainbow Starr's visit to a Florida wildlife sanctuary with some very humorous trail signs.
8. The Puppet Apocalypse Begins, Nov. 2, 2012. also with 31 hits. Hundreds of puppeteers marched on Washington D.C. with their puppets to protest against Mitt Romney's threat to fire Big Bird.
7. People Caught by Squirrel Traps, Oct. 1, 2012. with 32 hits. A Florida neighborhood feuds over trapping squirrels.
6. Tickle Me, Elmo Honey, Nov. 26, 2012. with 33 hits. The puppeteer of Elmo resigns amid charges of pediphelia.
5. Alleged Cannibal Puppeteer Pleads Not Guilty. Oct. 12, 2012. with 35 hits. Title says it all.
4. A Sign from Heaven. with 40 hits. A caption with a photo of a humorous sign outside a Florida church.
3. The Over-the-Hill Gang. Nov. 8, 2012. with 46 hits. An elderly crime wave strikes Florida.
2. Just a Flesh Wound. Oct. 14, 2012. with 63 hits. The president of Mauritania is accidentally shot by his own troops.
1. Gaga Gags at Gig. Oct. 11, 2012. with 114 hits. A strange trend of pop rock stars vomiting on stage.
In addition to this countdown of our most popular stories, I'd also like to name my personal favorite story from the first year of our publication. "Worst Hostage Ever" published on Oct. 17, 2012 is about a robber who abducted an expensive sex doll at knife point from a porn shop. It only had 20 hits, but in my opinion it is the craziest and funniest story so far printed at www.silly-news.com
Please join us in 2013 for more weird but true news stories from all around the world.
Happy New Year to All!
Sunday, December 30, 2012
The Mounties Always Get Their Syrup
By Scoop Cooper
Crime Reporter
KEDGWICK, CANADA - A total of 18 people have been arrested and charged with stealing 9,600 barrels of maple syrup. Actually, they siphoned off the syrup and left the empty barrels behind. I doubt the thieves actually clamped hoses in their lips and sucked until they turned blue. Yet, given the viscosity of syrup, it sounds like like a long, slow heist. It was. Somehow, the tons of syrup was gradually drained away from August 2011 to July 2012 without anyone noticing. An alarming number of empty barrels was finally discovered on August 24 at a huge distribution center in Saint-Louis-de-Blandford.
The distribution center is owned by a maple syrup cartel (yes there really is such a thing) called the Federation of Quebec Maple Syrup Producers. The Federation administers a bulk sale system for 7,500 maple syrup producers. In fact, their warehouse, about 100 miles southwest of Quebec City, contains a total of 3.4 million liters of syrup. That's 10% of all the maple syrup produced by Quebec, and Quebec produces 75% of all the maple syrup in the world.
The missing syrup is insured for $18 million, debunking the assumption that Canada has nothing worth stealing.
Quick as molasses, the stolen syrup was tracked down by the Royal Canadian Mounted Police late in December. Backed up by the local police, the mounties seized 400,000 pounds of the hot syrup from S.K. Export, an export company in Kedgwick, New Brunswick. Authorities seek to arrest seven more suspects in connection with the theft. Personally, I'd look for anyone with sticky hands, hearty lungs and lips like a vice. Then again, that does describe most Canadians.
Saturday, December 29, 2012
No Friend of Bill W.
By Scoop Cooper
Crime Reporter
DORSET, VERMONT - A man from Marlboro, Massachusetts has been charged with drunk driving after driving his car onto the lawn of a historic house. According to State Police, the 55-year-old man was so drunk he drove onto the lawn of the Wilson House because he thought it was a parking lot. Built in 1852, the home is called the Wilson House because William Wilson, a founder of Alcoholics Anonymous, was born there. Several AA meetings per week are still held at the site.
The accused drunk driver is scheduled to appear in Bennington court on January 14. If he's sentenced to attend AA, at least he'll know how to get to the meetings.
Crime Reporter
DORSET, VERMONT - A man from Marlboro, Massachusetts has been charged with drunk driving after driving his car onto the lawn of a historic house. According to State Police, the 55-year-old man was so drunk he drove onto the lawn of the Wilson House because he thought it was a parking lot. Built in 1852, the home is called the Wilson House because William Wilson, a founder of Alcoholics Anonymous, was born there. Several AA meetings per week are still held at the site.
The accused drunk driver is scheduled to appear in Bennington court on January 14. If he's sentenced to attend AA, at least he'll know how to get to the meetings.
Thursday, December 27, 2012
What the Grinch Stole this Christmas
By Scoop Cooper
Crime Reporter
ORLANDO, FLORIDA - Where does an 800 pound gorilla statue go? Quite a few places, actually.
Just before Thanksgiving, a 4-foot-tall bronze statue of a gorilla was stolen from the Metropolitan Express hotel. This already poses three questions. Why did the hotel have a giant bronze statue of a gorilla? Why would someone steal it and how?
Well, the hotel is decorated with a jungle theme, including not one, but two, gorilla statues. The other one has been chained to a tree since the theft. The stolen gorilla stood beside the hotel pool, until someone pushed it into the water. It took 10 hotel workers to get it out and move it outside the pool fence. So, they were surprised when the statue disappeared. They suspected that drunks took it after a nearby bar closed at 2:30 a.m. November 24. Why? Well, the 800 pound bronze statue is worth between $5,000 and $8,000.
In early December, the statue was found about four miles from the hotel by a man walking his dog. It looked like someone had backed up a truck and dumped it into the brush. The statue slid easily across the wet leaves on the ground. With the help of ONE friend and a dolly, they delivered it to the nearby doorstep of a mutual friend. So, the 10 hotel workers who moved the gorilla initially were either lazy or weak or both.
Anyway, the mutual friend was startled when he returned home later to find a giant gorilla standing inexplicably on his doorstep. He left it standing on his porch for three weeks. Then, on Tuesday, he did a Google search for a missing bronze gorilla and found an article about the mysterious statue. It was a Christmas Miracle!
Police are not filing any charges in connection with the incident. The hotel just needs to retrieve the heavy statue. Perhaps, they will send 10 weakling staff workers to pick it up like a bunch of bumbling Keystone Cops. There is no formal reward for the return of the statue. However, the bartender at the hotel's Tiki bar did offer a free round of Christmas spirits for anyone who helped to find the wayward gorilla.
Crime Reporter
ORLANDO, FLORIDA - Where does an 800 pound gorilla statue go? Quite a few places, actually.
Just before Thanksgiving, a 4-foot-tall bronze statue of a gorilla was stolen from the Metropolitan Express hotel. This already poses three questions. Why did the hotel have a giant bronze statue of a gorilla? Why would someone steal it and how?
Well, the hotel is decorated with a jungle theme, including not one, but two, gorilla statues. The other one has been chained to a tree since the theft. The stolen gorilla stood beside the hotel pool, until someone pushed it into the water. It took 10 hotel workers to get it out and move it outside the pool fence. So, they were surprised when the statue disappeared. They suspected that drunks took it after a nearby bar closed at 2:30 a.m. November 24. Why? Well, the 800 pound bronze statue is worth between $5,000 and $8,000.
In early December, the statue was found about four miles from the hotel by a man walking his dog. It looked like someone had backed up a truck and dumped it into the brush. The statue slid easily across the wet leaves on the ground. With the help of ONE friend and a dolly, they delivered it to the nearby doorstep of a mutual friend. So, the 10 hotel workers who moved the gorilla initially were either lazy or weak or both.
Anyway, the mutual friend was startled when he returned home later to find a giant gorilla standing inexplicably on his doorstep. He left it standing on his porch for three weeks. Then, on Tuesday, he did a Google search for a missing bronze gorilla and found an article about the mysterious statue. It was a Christmas Miracle!
Police are not filing any charges in connection with the incident. The hotel just needs to retrieve the heavy statue. Perhaps, they will send 10 weakling staff workers to pick it up like a bunch of bumbling Keystone Cops. There is no formal reward for the return of the statue. However, the bartender at the hotel's Tiki bar did offer a free round of Christmas spirits for anyone who helped to find the wayward gorilla.
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
Too Big to Die
By Scoop Cooper
Crime Reporter
COLUMBUS, OHIO - A convicted murderer, who claimed to be too fat to kill, has cheated the executioner.
He was found guilty of fatally shooting a clerk during a 1983 robbery. While waiting on death row, he put on a great deal of weight. Why not? If I were going to die anyway, it'd be chocolate eclairs and bacon pizza 24/7. However, his lawyers claimed the prison food was fattening, and his back and knee problems made it difficult to exercise, especially after the exercise bike in the gymn broke under his weight.
The fat man's mouthpieces argued that he could not be humanely killed back in September, when he weighed in at 480 pounds. They feared he would crush the gurney when they rolled him out for the lethal injection. However, the warden released photos of the execution gurney supporting over 500 pounds of dumbbells. Apparently, the prison gymn has more exercise equipment than just one bike.
The legal arguments bounced off the prisoner's invulnerable armor of blubber. Prison doctors really did have a hard time finding his veins beneath the flab. If they injected the poison directly into his muscles, the execution could take several days of intense pain. Alternately, they could uncover his veins directly by cutting down through the fat in a process that sounds too grisly to explore.
The January 16, 2013 execution was finally canceled. On Monday, Governor John Kasich commuted his death sentence to life imprisonment without parole. Ironically, weight was not the issue. The governor found that in the original trial, the fat man had poor legal representation. Really? His legal team seems pretty good to me. They staved off execution for almost 30 years while their client ate his way off death row.
However, this is still a cautionary tale. Be careful what you wish for. After all, the convicted murderer put on all that weight for nothing. Dieting is hell. Now, he's trapped, with a bad back and a bad knee, in a prison with limited exercise facilities until the day he dies ... and at 53 years old and 480 pounds that won't be long.
Justice may be blind, but she has a twisted sense of humor.
Crime Reporter
COLUMBUS, OHIO - A convicted murderer, who claimed to be too fat to kill, has cheated the executioner.
He was found guilty of fatally shooting a clerk during a 1983 robbery. While waiting on death row, he put on a great deal of weight. Why not? If I were going to die anyway, it'd be chocolate eclairs and bacon pizza 24/7. However, his lawyers claimed the prison food was fattening, and his back and knee problems made it difficult to exercise, especially after the exercise bike in the gymn broke under his weight.
The fat man's mouthpieces argued that he could not be humanely killed back in September, when he weighed in at 480 pounds. They feared he would crush the gurney when they rolled him out for the lethal injection. However, the warden released photos of the execution gurney supporting over 500 pounds of dumbbells. Apparently, the prison gymn has more exercise equipment than just one bike.
The legal arguments bounced off the prisoner's invulnerable armor of blubber. Prison doctors really did have a hard time finding his veins beneath the flab. If they injected the poison directly into his muscles, the execution could take several days of intense pain. Alternately, they could uncover his veins directly by cutting down through the fat in a process that sounds too grisly to explore.
The January 16, 2013 execution was finally canceled. On Monday, Governor John Kasich commuted his death sentence to life imprisonment without parole. Ironically, weight was not the issue. The governor found that in the original trial, the fat man had poor legal representation. Really? His legal team seems pretty good to me. They staved off execution for almost 30 years while their client ate his way off death row.
However, this is still a cautionary tale. Be careful what you wish for. After all, the convicted murderer put on all that weight for nothing. Dieting is hell. Now, he's trapped, with a bad back and a bad knee, in a prison with limited exercise facilities until the day he dies ... and at 53 years old and 480 pounds that won't be long.
Justice may be blind, but she has a twisted sense of humor.
Tuesday, December 18, 2012
Guns, Guns Everywhere, but Not a Drop of Sense
By Scoop Cooper
Crime Reporter
FLORIDA - The heightened paranoia of local schools is already clashing with the gun-loving culture of this southern state.
On Monday afternoon, a very drunk grandfather was arrested after testing the security of two Port Charlotte schools. His first stop was Kingsway Elementary School. When confronted by two workers at 2 p.m., he asked if they were the "increased security" measures. They said yes. He asked if they were armed. They weren't. So, the 61-year-old trespasser asked if he could bring a gun to the school. They said no. They also kicked him out because he was drunk.
The undaunted grandpa arrived at Port Charlotte Middle School about 20 minutes later. The School Resource officer found him stumbling around the parking lot. Again, he asked if the school worker was armed and if he could bring a gun to the school. He should've asked if the resource officer was packing a cell phone. He called the Charlotte County police. The deputies found an unopened can of beer on the passenger seat of grandpa's car. They towed his car and arrested him on two counts of disrupting a school function. He has already been released on $1,000 bond.
It turns out, the 61-year-old Port Charlotte man does not even own a gun. He was moved to test the security of local schools out of concern for his grandchild's safety. In subsequent interviews, he admitted his drunken tour of inspection was a bad idea. However, he pointed out that if he had been a real gunman, the unarmed school workers who confronted him, could've done little more than absorb the first bullets he fired. Apparently, words of wisdom flow out of the mouths of drunk old rednecks as well as babes.
Meanwhile, up in Hillsborough County, Florida, a bullet was found on a school bus Monday. Three local schools were placed in lockdown. Eventually, a Wharton High School student confessed that he had found the bullet on the ground on his way to school, and it fell out of his pocket during the bus ride.
This morning, an eighth-grade student found two more bullets on the floor of a school bus in Hillsborough County. When the bus reached Greco Middle School, the students were searched one at a time by school security and Temple Terrace police officers. No firearms or additional bullets were found.
However, the same bus was also ridden by high school students in Tampa. So, the ironically named Freedom High School, was placed in lockdown. Tampa police tracked down all the students who rode the bus in question. Each student was yanked out of class, searched and questioned. This time, no additional bullets and no explanations were discovered.
Statistics could not be obtained regarding how many students have been injured by tripping over all the loose ammo rolling around the floors of Florida school buses.
Crime Reporter
FLORIDA - The heightened paranoia of local schools is already clashing with the gun-loving culture of this southern state.
On Monday afternoon, a very drunk grandfather was arrested after testing the security of two Port Charlotte schools. His first stop was Kingsway Elementary School. When confronted by two workers at 2 p.m., he asked if they were the "increased security" measures. They said yes. He asked if they were armed. They weren't. So, the 61-year-old trespasser asked if he could bring a gun to the school. They said no. They also kicked him out because he was drunk.
The undaunted grandpa arrived at Port Charlotte Middle School about 20 minutes later. The School Resource officer found him stumbling around the parking lot. Again, he asked if the school worker was armed and if he could bring a gun to the school. He should've asked if the resource officer was packing a cell phone. He called the Charlotte County police. The deputies found an unopened can of beer on the passenger seat of grandpa's car. They towed his car and arrested him on two counts of disrupting a school function. He has already been released on $1,000 bond.
It turns out, the 61-year-old Port Charlotte man does not even own a gun. He was moved to test the security of local schools out of concern for his grandchild's safety. In subsequent interviews, he admitted his drunken tour of inspection was a bad idea. However, he pointed out that if he had been a real gunman, the unarmed school workers who confronted him, could've done little more than absorb the first bullets he fired. Apparently, words of wisdom flow out of the mouths of drunk old rednecks as well as babes.
Meanwhile, up in Hillsborough County, Florida, a bullet was found on a school bus Monday. Three local schools were placed in lockdown. Eventually, a Wharton High School student confessed that he had found the bullet on the ground on his way to school, and it fell out of his pocket during the bus ride.
This morning, an eighth-grade student found two more bullets on the floor of a school bus in Hillsborough County. When the bus reached Greco Middle School, the students were searched one at a time by school security and Temple Terrace police officers. No firearms or additional bullets were found.
However, the same bus was also ridden by high school students in Tampa. So, the ironically named Freedom High School, was placed in lockdown. Tampa police tracked down all the students who rode the bus in question. Each student was yanked out of class, searched and questioned. This time, no additional bullets and no explanations were discovered.
Statistics could not be obtained regarding how many students have been injured by tripping over all the loose ammo rolling around the floors of Florida school buses.
Monday, December 17, 2012
Mall Santa Sacked
By Ralph Zenith
Business Reporter
SOUTH PORTLAND, MAINE - So, Evil Elmo isn't the only beloved children's character to recently turn against his fans.
A South Portland mall is replacing its Santa for naughty behavior. Parents complained that he was rude and grumpy. He wouldn't let a six-year-old girl sit on his lap, after her mother declined to purchase a $20 photo of their visit. When the little girl asked for an American Girl doll, Kringle replied that she'd just get an American football. After mom posted the incident online, other parents stepped forward with similar complaints.
It sounds like that is one Santa Claus who needs more Christmas spirits to raise his Christmas spirit. Now, he has one more reason for the Winter Blues. To paraphrase The Princess Bride, he is "rejected, fat, unemployed, unloved ... In MAINE!"
Business Reporter
SOUTH PORTLAND, MAINE - So, Evil Elmo isn't the only beloved children's character to recently turn against his fans.
A South Portland mall is replacing its Santa for naughty behavior. Parents complained that he was rude and grumpy. He wouldn't let a six-year-old girl sit on his lap, after her mother declined to purchase a $20 photo of their visit. When the little girl asked for an American Girl doll, Kringle replied that she'd just get an American football. After mom posted the incident online, other parents stepped forward with similar complaints.
It sounds like that is one Santa Claus who needs more Christmas spirits to raise his Christmas spirit. Now, he has one more reason for the Winter Blues. To paraphrase The Princess Bride, he is "rejected, fat, unemployed, unloved ... In MAINE!"
Too Many Cooks Spoil the Shot
By Scoop Cooper
Crime Reporter
FLORIDA - Sometimes two serious headlines become crazy due to their proximity to each other. An example can be found in the Wire Section of the December 13 Englewood Sun. On page 5, one headline reads, "Fla. at 1 million with concealed weapons." The headline immediately below reads, "Police: Man fatally shot roommate over dinner."
Coincidence? Or are the editors making a subtle connection between the two stories?
Florida has already issued more permits to carry concealed weapons than any other state in the nation. The number is expected to reach 1 million sometime this week. So, any senior citizen you bump into could be packing a firearm. In Florida, there is also no legal requirement to back down from a fight. Starting trouble with ANYONE can dangerously escalate. The resulting cordiality is commonly called "Southern Hospitality."
Unfortunately, the story under the second headline demonstrates that Southern Hospitality doesn't always work in practice. Allegedly, a 55-year-old man often returned drunk to his apartment in Holly Hill and argued violently with his roommate. On December 11, he confessed to shooting his roommate twice in the head during a dispute over the best way to prepare pork chops for dinner.
Crime Reporter
FLORIDA - Sometimes two serious headlines become crazy due to their proximity to each other. An example can be found in the Wire Section of the December 13 Englewood Sun. On page 5, one headline reads, "Fla. at 1 million with concealed weapons." The headline immediately below reads, "Police: Man fatally shot roommate over dinner."
Coincidence? Or are the editors making a subtle connection between the two stories?
Florida has already issued more permits to carry concealed weapons than any other state in the nation. The number is expected to reach 1 million sometime this week. So, any senior citizen you bump into could be packing a firearm. In Florida, there is also no legal requirement to back down from a fight. Starting trouble with ANYONE can dangerously escalate. The resulting cordiality is commonly called "Southern Hospitality."
Unfortunately, the story under the second headline demonstrates that Southern Hospitality doesn't always work in practice. Allegedly, a 55-year-old man often returned drunk to his apartment in Holly Hill and argued violently with his roommate. On December 11, he confessed to shooting his roommate twice in the head during a dispute over the best way to prepare pork chops for dinner.
Monday, December 3, 2012
Edible Deodorant
By Nicola Braun
Science Reporter
BULGARIA - Just when you thought American swine couldn't get any fatter, modern science produces a new excuse for them to gobble up sweets.
Anyone who eats Deo Perfume Candy comes out smelling like roses, literally. The new candy contains a sweet scented rose oil. One serving (four pieces) of candy, will give a 145 pound person a cloying body odor for up to six hours. That shouldn't pose a problem for Americans, who already eat so much sugar that they sweat it from their pores. However, the candy maker may need to revise its recommended dosage since most Americans weigh far more than 145 pounds.
Deo Perfume Candy is the product of a truly international collaboration. It was invented by Bulgarian confectioner Alpi and American health and nutrition company Beneo based on research by Japanese scientists. Stores already sell bags of Deo Candy to the less smelly citizens of Germany, China, Spain, Korea and Armenia. Stinking Americans can only buy Deo online for $10 bag. However, the first batch offered by Amazon.com has already sold out. Fortunately, a Dutch company is developing a similar product called Swallowable Parfum to help meet the demand. So, hopefully the problem of fat, smelly Americans will soon resolve itself.
Science Reporter
BULGARIA - Just when you thought American swine couldn't get any fatter, modern science produces a new excuse for them to gobble up sweets.
Anyone who eats Deo Perfume Candy comes out smelling like roses, literally. The new candy contains a sweet scented rose oil. One serving (four pieces) of candy, will give a 145 pound person a cloying body odor for up to six hours. That shouldn't pose a problem for Americans, who already eat so much sugar that they sweat it from their pores. However, the candy maker may need to revise its recommended dosage since most Americans weigh far more than 145 pounds.
Deo Perfume Candy is the product of a truly international collaboration. It was invented by Bulgarian confectioner Alpi and American health and nutrition company Beneo based on research by Japanese scientists. Stores already sell bags of Deo Candy to the less smelly citizens of Germany, China, Spain, Korea and Armenia. Stinking Americans can only buy Deo online for $10 bag. However, the first batch offered by Amazon.com has already sold out. Fortunately, a Dutch company is developing a similar product called Swallowable Parfum to help meet the demand. So, hopefully the problem of fat, smelly Americans will soon resolve itself.
Thursday, November 29, 2012
Dominatrix Barbie
By Ralph Zenith
Business Reporter
ENGLEWOOD, FLORIDA - Wearing shinny PVC clothes and black fishnet stockings, this is not your mother's Barbie doll. I found this strange item selling in the girl's toy department at the local Big Lots store. At first glance, I thought Barbie had grown up to become a high end S&M prostitute. A closer look at the package revealed this Barbie is actually supposed to be a tough comic book super heroine named Black Canary. She is part of a series of Barbie dolls made up to look like various fictional characters.
Selling for $20, this Barbie would make an expensive "companion" to Ken. I hear that sometimes he's a very, very bad boy and needs to be punished! I wonder how the package would attempt to explain away the bruises, bites and whip marks on a "Slave Ken Doll." Would he come complete with cuffs, blindfold and gag?
Monday, November 26, 2012
Tickle me, Elmo honey!
By Socrates Paparazzi
Arts and Entertainment Reporter
NEW YORK, NEW YORK - It's been a bad year for muppets.
Kevin Clash has resigned after 28 years as the voice of Elmo on Sesame Street. A second young man has accused Clash of having sex with a minor His first accuser retracted the allegation within 24 hours of his story going public earlier this month. However, a second accuser is standing by the charges. The 24-year-old man claims that Clash had sexual contact with him when he was just 15. His federal lawsuit alleges that Clash met him through a gay chat line. He reportedly courted the boy with expensive meals and money during a torrid two-week affair of sexual contact without intercourse. According to his lawyer, the victim is suing Clash after all these years to heal from the trauma, to spare other victims from his sexual depravity and for $5 million.
Clash has won 23 daytime Emmys, including 4 in a row for best performer in a children's series. He became more famous when he stepped out as the man behind, ummm - the man under Elmo. Clash made the circuit of TV talk shows to promote his 2006 autobiography, "My Life as a Furry Red Monster" and his 2011 documentary "Being Elmo, a Puppeteer's Journey." His accuser was shocked to learn Clash was the puppeteer for the beloved muppet. I was shocked to learn that Elmo's shrill voice is provided by a big, shiny, bald, black, dude who is 53-years-old and openly gay. Then again, this would answer some questions about the Tickle-me Elmo toy. I always wondered why, if you tickle the doll's belly for too long, he stops giggling and whispers, "Lower."
Clash seems like a nice enough guy with a good sense of humor. I hope he's innocent, for his sake. If a man over 21 years old, is convicted of having sex with anyone under 17 years old, the State of New York considers him guilty of a felony. Child molesters are especially persecuted by the "regular" killers and rapists in prison. If Clash goes to jail, he will probably learn first hand what it feels like to be a muppet.
Arts and Entertainment Reporter
NEW YORK, NEW YORK - It's been a bad year for muppets.
Kevin Clash has resigned after 28 years as the voice of Elmo on Sesame Street. A second young man has accused Clash of having sex with a minor His first accuser retracted the allegation within 24 hours of his story going public earlier this month. However, a second accuser is standing by the charges. The 24-year-old man claims that Clash had sexual contact with him when he was just 15. His federal lawsuit alleges that Clash met him through a gay chat line. He reportedly courted the boy with expensive meals and money during a torrid two-week affair of sexual contact without intercourse. According to his lawyer, the victim is suing Clash after all these years to heal from the trauma, to spare other victims from his sexual depravity and for $5 million.
Clash has won 23 daytime Emmys, including 4 in a row for best performer in a children's series. He became more famous when he stepped out as the man behind, ummm - the man under Elmo. Clash made the circuit of TV talk shows to promote his 2006 autobiography, "My Life as a Furry Red Monster" and his 2011 documentary "Being Elmo, a Puppeteer's Journey." His accuser was shocked to learn Clash was the puppeteer for the beloved muppet. I was shocked to learn that Elmo's shrill voice is provided by a big, shiny, bald, black, dude who is 53-years-old and openly gay. Then again, this would answer some questions about the Tickle-me Elmo toy. I always wondered why, if you tickle the doll's belly for too long, he stops giggling and whispers, "Lower."
Clash seems like a nice enough guy with a good sense of humor. I hope he's innocent, for his sake. If a man over 21 years old, is convicted of having sex with anyone under 17 years old, the State of New York considers him guilty of a felony. Child molesters are especially persecuted by the "regular" killers and rapists in prison. If Clash goes to jail, he will probably learn first hand what it feels like to be a muppet.
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