What the Grinch Stole this Christmas

By Scoop Cooper
Crime Reporter
ORLANDO, FLORIDA - Where does an 800 pound gorilla statue go?  Quite a few places, actually.
     Just before Thanksgiving, a 4-foot-tall bronze statue of a gorilla was stolen from the Metropolitan Express hotel.  This already poses three questions. Why did the hotel have a giant bronze statue of a gorilla?  Why would someone steal it and how?
     Well, the hotel is decorated with a jungle theme, including not one, but two, gorilla statues.  The other one  has been chained to a tree since the theft.  The stolen gorilla stood beside the hotel pool, until someone pushed it into the water.  It took 10 hotel workers to get it out and move it outside the pool fence.  So, they were surprised when the statue disappeared.  They suspected that drunks took it after a nearby bar closed at 2:30 a.m. November 24.  Why?  Well, the 800 pound bronze statue is worth between $5,000 and $8,000.
     In early December, the statue was found about four miles from the hotel by a man walking his dog.  It looked like someone had backed up a truck and dumped it into the brush.  The statue slid easily across the wet leaves on the ground. With the help of ONE friend and a dolly, they delivered it to the nearby doorstep of a mutual friend.  So, the 10 hotel workers who moved the gorilla initially were either lazy or weak or both.
     Anyway, the mutual friend was startled when he returned home later to find a giant gorilla standing inexplicably on his doorstep.  He left it standing on his porch for three weeks.  Then, on Tuesday, he did a Google search for a missing bronze gorilla and found an article about the mysterious statue.  It was a Christmas Miracle!
     Police are not filing any charges in connection with the incident.  The hotel just needs to retrieve the heavy statue.  Perhaps, they will send 10 weakling staff workers to pick it up like a bunch of bumbling Keystone Cops.  There is no formal reward for the return of the statue.  However, the bartender at the hotel's Tiki bar did offer a free round of Christmas spirits for anyone who helped to find the wayward gorilla.

Guns, Guns Everywhere, but Not a Drop of Sense

By Scoop Cooper
Crime Reporter
FLORIDA - The heightened paranoia of local schools is already clashing with the gun-loving culture of this southern state.
     On Monday afternoon, a very drunk grandfather was arrested after testing the security of two Port Charlotte schools.  His first stop was Kingsway Elementary School.  When confronted by two workers at 2 p.m., he asked if they were the "increased security" measures.  They said yes. He asked if they were armed.  They weren't.  So, the 61-year-old trespasser asked if he could bring a gun to the school.  They said no.  They also kicked him out because he was drunk.
     The undaunted grandpa arrived at Port Charlotte Middle School about 20 minutes later.  The School Resource officer found him stumbling around the parking lot.  Again, he asked if the school worker was armed and if he could bring a gun to the school.  He should've asked if the resource officer was packing a cell phone.  He called the Charlotte County police.  The deputies found an unopened can of beer on the passenger seat of grandpa's car.  They towed his car and arrested him on two counts of disrupting a school function.  He has already been released on $1,000 bond.
     It turns out, the 61-year-old Port Charlotte man does not even own a gun.  He was moved to test the security of local schools out of concern for his grandchild's safety.  In subsequent interviews, he admitted his drunken tour of inspection was a bad idea.  However, he pointed out that if he had been a real gunman, the unarmed school workers who confronted him, could've done little more than absorb the first bullets he fired. Apparently, words of wisdom flow out of the mouths of drunk old rednecks as well as babes.
     Meanwhile, up in Hillsborough County, Florida, a bullet was found on a school bus Monday.  Three local schools were placed in lockdown.  Eventually, a Wharton High School student confessed that he had found the bullet on the ground on his way to school, and it fell out of his pocket during the bus ride.
      This morning, an eighth-grade student found two more bullets on the floor of a school bus in Hillsborough County.  When the bus reached Greco Middle School, the students were searched one at a time by school security and Temple Terrace police officers.  No firearms or additional bullets were found.
      However, the same bus was also ridden by high school students in Tampa.  So, the ironically named Freedom High School, was placed in lockdown.  Tampa police tracked down all the students who rode the bus in question.  Each student was yanked out of class, searched and questioned.  This time, no additional bullets and no explanations were discovered.
      Statistics could not be obtained regarding how many students have been injured by tripping over all the loose ammo rolling around the floors of Florida school buses.
    

Too Many Cooks Spoil the Shot

By Scoop Cooper
Crime Reporter
FLORIDA - Sometimes two serious headlines become crazy due to their proximity to each other.  An example can be found in the Wire Section of  the December 13 Englewood Sun.  On page 5, one headline reads, "Fla. at 1 million with concealed weapons."  The headline immediately below reads, "Police: Man fatally shot roommate over dinner."
     Coincidence? Or are the editors making a subtle connection between the two stories?
     Florida has already issued more permits to carry concealed weapons than any other state in the nation.  The number is expected to reach 1 million sometime this week.  So, any senior citizen you bump into could be packing a firearm.  In Florida, there is also no legal requirement to back down from a fight.  Starting trouble with ANYONE can dangerously escalate.  The resulting cordiality is commonly called "Southern Hospitality."
       Unfortunately, the story under the second headline demonstrates that Southern Hospitality doesn't always work in practice.  Allegedly, a 55-year-old man often returned drunk to his apartment in Holly Hill and argued violently with his roommate.  On December 11, he confessed to shooting his roommate twice in the head during a dispute over the best way to prepare pork chops for dinner.  

Careful Where You Park

I always thought Jesus was a carpenter.  Actually, there are many large vehicles parked outside the places of business that they advertise throughout SW Florida.  Presumably the business owners cannot pay the taxes or obtain the permits for conventional roadside signs. The monster truck pictured above was photographed recently outside a tire company on Veterans Boulevard in Port Charlotte.  Note, that this particular truck is not connected to the story below.

By Scoop Cooper
Crime Reporter
PUNTA GORDA, FLORIDA - A girl's first car was crushed repeatedly by a monster truck because of a big misunderstanding, according to a Ft. Myers man.
      He was one of the 1000s of people who attended an outdoor concert and off road rally at a popular mud pit known as The Redneck Yacht Club on Feb. 25. The annual Swamp Cabbage Weekend is touted as the largest mud party in the state of Florida. Just before 5 a.m., the 40-year-old Ft. Myers man found a crowd cheering two other truckers who were vainly trying to run over a 1994 Toyota Camry. However, their trucks weren't big enough to get 'er done. So, the Ft. Myers man saved the show with the five-foot-tall tires of his own camouflaged van.  That's when a shocked 16-year-old attendee returned from a nearby mud pit and exclaimed that her car was not part of the monster truck rally.
     The Charlotte County Sheriff's Department replied to the girl's call. Witnesses described the responsible truck driver as a man in his 40s with spiked gray hair and a white T-shirt. However, police still needed an eyewitness to single the Ft. Myers man out of the crowd. Fancy that.
     The Ft. Myers truck driver was arrested and charged with criminal mischief. Video of him crushing the girl's car went viral on the internet.  The Ft. Myers man was classy enough to pay the girl $6,500 to replace her car. However, he claimed the staff at The Redneck Yacht Club had given him permission to finish destroying the car, which was already badly damaged by the first two trucks.
     His jury trial was scheduled to start Monday. However, the 40-year-old man avoided a trial and a verdict by pleading no contest and paying the court's costs. He did not confess guilt, but just wanted to move on with his life. It is not known if he will be reinstated into the prestigious Redneck Yacht Club.