By Mark Lucas
News Editor
TALLAHASSEE, FLORIDA - A Satanic rally downtown this Friday is actually part of a mockumentary film.
Makers of The Temple of Satan pretended to be a real cult when they announced the rally two weeks ago. Unfortunately, The Huffington Post and MSNBC both fell for the hoax in reporting the story. Kudos to Michael Van Sickler at the Miami Herald for uncovering the truth Jan. 16. With a little online research, he found the casting call for The Temple of Satan seeking 18 unpaid extras from all walks of life. They are required to show up for Friday's rally wearing "tasteful Satanic garb."
All 18 parts have been filled.
In the initial press release, The Temple of Satan overlord/spokesman/casting director claimed the devil worshipers were rallying to support Florida's Governor Rick Scott. Last year, he signed a new law that allows students of any denomination to lead prayers in Florida public schools. At Friday's rally, the movie makers will pretend to thank the unpopular Republican governor for allowing Satan worshiping kids to finally come out of the closet and openly recruit for their dark master.
Earlier today, in a press release from Hell, Lucifer denied any affiliation with the cult or the film The Temple of Satan. However, he renewed his support of Governor Rick Scott and the Republican Party.
So, let's recap. A fake documentary is being filmed about fake Satanists who are pretending to support a Christian conservative governor that they really don't like. The hoax was reported as fact by lazy commentators who are not real journalists. Now, YOU are reading the truth which I am writing under a fake pen name on my comical blog, which is not a real news source.
Any questions?
Please return your tray to the upright and locked position as you return to reality.
If you enjoyed this blog, please click the buttons below to email, Share, Google+, Tweet, Twit, cluck and quack it to everyone you know. Thanks.
Showing posts with label Florida. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Florida. Show all posts
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Saturday, January 19, 2013
Python Challenge 2013
By Rainbow Starr
Environmental Reporter
EVERGLADES, FLORIDA - When He kicked Adam and Eve out of Eden, God said to the serpent, "I will put enmity between thee and the woman, and between thy seed and her seed. He shall bruise thy head, and thou shalt bruise his heel."
Well, God wasn't just whistling Dixie.
Like a scene from a B-grade horror film, over 800 hunters are crashing through the swamp with guns and machetes this weekend. Their goal is to kill as many Burmese pythons as possible (between beers). Up to 180,000 Burmese pythons have invaded Everglades National Park. So, the park has declared open season on the dangerous snakes which can grow 20 feet long and weigh up to 200 lbs.
What could go wrong?
In one corner, we have drunken Rednecks! About 30 of them are licensed and experienced snake hunters. The majority only needed to buy a $25 permit and watch a 30 minute training seminar to participate in Florida's first big snake hunt. In the other corner, we have some of the largest constrictors in the world! Burmese pythons have camouflaged brown and black skin, can climb trees and stay underwater for up to 30 minutes. They've already reduced the local population of small native mammals such as rabbits, opossums, raccoons and bobcats by up to 99%. A few months ago, a 16-foot python was killed in Florida and found with a 76 lb. deer in it's stomach.
Perhaps, the hunt was really proposed by the pythons to cull the Redneck population.
Everglades National Park has been prudently closed to the general public from Jan. 12 to Feb. 10 for the duration of Python Challenge 2013. As of Thursday, the score stood Rednecks 21, Pythons 0. A record cold snap during the first two weeks of 2010 might have already killed off the pythons and left few to be found this year. The low temperatures are one reason the Python Challenge was held at this time. Wildlife officials hoped the cold-blooded snakes would sluggishly slither into the open to warm themselves in the sunlight. Personally, I think the obvious date to schedule a traditional snake drive would be St. Patrick's Day.
Python Challenge 2013 will pay prizes to the most successful snake hunters. The largest Burmese python killed will be worth $1,000. The hunter who kills the most pythons will win $1,500. Roadkill doesn't count. The rules followed by the pythons are unknown but probably similar.
The low number of snakes killed so far has not disappointed the organizers of Python Challenge 2013. They admit the hunt is unlikely to stem the population explosion of pythons in Florida. They say the hunt will teach a lot about Burmese pythons to the general public as well as the wildlife officials who are studying the problem.
The snake hunt has already attracted a couple of local celebrities. Democratic US Senator and beady-eyed-good-old-boy Bill Nelson futilely hunted the Everglades on Thursday. Another participant is self-made millionaire "Alligator Ron" Bergeron. Known for rodeo riding and gator wrestling, the 68-year-old rancher owns a fleet of air boats. However, he hunts pythons from a black air boat adorned with a portrait of him riding a gator.
So, has the state had any input into Python Challenge 2013? What does the Florida Wildlife Commission think of all this commotion in Everglades National Park? Oh. Alligator Ron is a Florida Wildlife Commissioner (Bark up the wrong tree, and you find a nut).
As the name suggests, Burmese pythons are native to southeast Asia. Ironically, they are endangered there because the snakes are killed for their skins and captured to sell as pets in ... wait for it ... America! About 99,000 Burmese pythons were imported to the US between 1996 and 2006 and were sold for as little as $20 each. When they grew up, or fell out of fashion, many of them were set free in the wild. The first Burmese python was spotted in the Everglades in 1979. However, the population didn't take off until 1992 when Hurricane Andrew hit a python breeder in Florida. The escaped pythons thrived in the isolated subtropical environment of southern Florida. And when a daddy snake finds a mommy snake and loves her very, very much (insert cheesy synthesizer music here). Female Burmese pythons can lay up to 100 eggs, and the hatchlings are larger and grow much faster than native Florida snakes.
The hunters are required to "humanely" kill their catches by shooting them in the head or decapitating them with a machete. Of course, the buzz killers at People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals don't see it that way. In a press release, PETA President Ingrid E. Newkirk states, "This bounty hunt is misguided in the first place, but allowing hunters to decapitate pythons, who remain alive and in agony and who will writhe for an hour even after their heads have been cut off - is despicably cruel. Many of these animals were once pets, who have since been thrown out like garbage, and the Florida Wildlife Commission has an obligation to ensure that they don't suffer any more than they already have."
What a stick-in-the-mud!
PETA called on Florida snake hunters to sheath their machetes and kill the pythons with a merciful gunshot to the head. Personally, I don't see how that is more humane. If the snake can writhe around for an hour without any head at all, then it's brain is not a vital organ. Then again, I could say the same about a lot of Rednecks. So, I suppose it's an even duel of wits out in the Everglades.
If you enjoyed this article, please click on one of the buttons below to leave a comment or share it with friends by email, Google, Facebook, Tweet, twit, squawk, cackle etc.
Environmental Reporter
EVERGLADES, FLORIDA - When He kicked Adam and Eve out of Eden, God said to the serpent, "I will put enmity between thee and the woman, and between thy seed and her seed. He shall bruise thy head, and thou shalt bruise his heel."
Well, God wasn't just whistling Dixie.
Like a scene from a B-grade horror film, over 800 hunters are crashing through the swamp with guns and machetes this weekend. Their goal is to kill as many Burmese pythons as possible (between beers). Up to 180,000 Burmese pythons have invaded Everglades National Park. So, the park has declared open season on the dangerous snakes which can grow 20 feet long and weigh up to 200 lbs.
What could go wrong?
In one corner, we have drunken Rednecks! About 30 of them are licensed and experienced snake hunters. The majority only needed to buy a $25 permit and watch a 30 minute training seminar to participate in Florida's first big snake hunt. In the other corner, we have some of the largest constrictors in the world! Burmese pythons have camouflaged brown and black skin, can climb trees and stay underwater for up to 30 minutes. They've already reduced the local population of small native mammals such as rabbits, opossums, raccoons and bobcats by up to 99%. A few months ago, a 16-foot python was killed in Florida and found with a 76 lb. deer in it's stomach.
Perhaps, the hunt was really proposed by the pythons to cull the Redneck population.
Everglades National Park has been prudently closed to the general public from Jan. 12 to Feb. 10 for the duration of Python Challenge 2013. As of Thursday, the score stood Rednecks 21, Pythons 0. A record cold snap during the first two weeks of 2010 might have already killed off the pythons and left few to be found this year. The low temperatures are one reason the Python Challenge was held at this time. Wildlife officials hoped the cold-blooded snakes would sluggishly slither into the open to warm themselves in the sunlight. Personally, I think the obvious date to schedule a traditional snake drive would be St. Patrick's Day.
Python Challenge 2013 will pay prizes to the most successful snake hunters. The largest Burmese python killed will be worth $1,000. The hunter who kills the most pythons will win $1,500. Roadkill doesn't count. The rules followed by the pythons are unknown but probably similar.
The low number of snakes killed so far has not disappointed the organizers of Python Challenge 2013. They admit the hunt is unlikely to stem the population explosion of pythons in Florida. They say the hunt will teach a lot about Burmese pythons to the general public as well as the wildlife officials who are studying the problem.
The snake hunt has already attracted a couple of local celebrities. Democratic US Senator and beady-eyed-good-old-boy Bill Nelson futilely hunted the Everglades on Thursday. Another participant is self-made millionaire "Alligator Ron" Bergeron. Known for rodeo riding and gator wrestling, the 68-year-old rancher owns a fleet of air boats. However, he hunts pythons from a black air boat adorned with a portrait of him riding a gator.
So, has the state had any input into Python Challenge 2013? What does the Florida Wildlife Commission think of all this commotion in Everglades National Park? Oh. Alligator Ron is a Florida Wildlife Commissioner (Bark up the wrong tree, and you find a nut).
As the name suggests, Burmese pythons are native to southeast Asia. Ironically, they are endangered there because the snakes are killed for their skins and captured to sell as pets in ... wait for it ... America! About 99,000 Burmese pythons were imported to the US between 1996 and 2006 and were sold for as little as $20 each. When they grew up, or fell out of fashion, many of them were set free in the wild. The first Burmese python was spotted in the Everglades in 1979. However, the population didn't take off until 1992 when Hurricane Andrew hit a python breeder in Florida. The escaped pythons thrived in the isolated subtropical environment of southern Florida. And when a daddy snake finds a mommy snake and loves her very, very much (insert cheesy synthesizer music here). Female Burmese pythons can lay up to 100 eggs, and the hatchlings are larger and grow much faster than native Florida snakes.
The hunters are required to "humanely" kill their catches by shooting them in the head or decapitating them with a machete. Of course, the buzz killers at People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals don't see it that way. In a press release, PETA President Ingrid E. Newkirk states, "This bounty hunt is misguided in the first place, but allowing hunters to decapitate pythons, who remain alive and in agony and who will writhe for an hour even after their heads have been cut off - is despicably cruel. Many of these animals were once pets, who have since been thrown out like garbage, and the Florida Wildlife Commission has an obligation to ensure that they don't suffer any more than they already have."
What a stick-in-the-mud!
PETA called on Florida snake hunters to sheath their machetes and kill the pythons with a merciful gunshot to the head. Personally, I don't see how that is more humane. If the snake can writhe around for an hour without any head at all, then it's brain is not a vital organ. Then again, I could say the same about a lot of Rednecks. So, I suppose it's an even duel of wits out in the Everglades.
If you enjoyed this article, please click on one of the buttons below to leave a comment or share it with friends by email, Google, Facebook, Tweet, twit, squawk, cackle etc.
A Sign of Respect
This sign stands in the parking lot of the Veterans of Foreign Wars in Old Englewood, Florida. Other institutions reserve parking spots for emergency vehicles, the employee of the month or the high muck-a-muck. This VFW clearly has a different priority.
Friday, January 18, 2013
Every Time He Thinks He's Out, They Pull him Back In.
By Rainbow Starr
Environmental Reporter
NAPLES, FLORIDA - Boo Boo the bear is back in his cage safe and sound.
Some residents of the Golden Gate area have kept their children inside since the 125 lb. grizzly cub escaped on Tuesday afternoon. After three days of searching, he was spotted by neighbors about two miles from his home late on Thursday. He was tranquilized and captured by authorities at about 1 p.m. today.
Boo Boo, his brother Yogi and their mother are part of a licensed attraction called, "A Grizzly Experience." Their owners also take the three bears to fairs and exhibits around the country and teach seminars on how to be safe near grizzly bears.
Authorities have yet to decide whether or not Boo Boo's owners should face charges or fines over the incident. They haven't even determined how Boo Boo escaped or how to prevent another breakout. After a brief taste of freedom, they'll never hold him. He's probably already working on a tunnel.
This is a follow-up to an earlier story entitled "Smarter than the Average Bear."
Environmental Reporter
NAPLES, FLORIDA - Boo Boo the bear is back in his cage safe and sound.
Some residents of the Golden Gate area have kept their children inside since the 125 lb. grizzly cub escaped on Tuesday afternoon. After three days of searching, he was spotted by neighbors about two miles from his home late on Thursday. He was tranquilized and captured by authorities at about 1 p.m. today.
Boo Boo, his brother Yogi and their mother are part of a licensed attraction called, "A Grizzly Experience." Their owners also take the three bears to fairs and exhibits around the country and teach seminars on how to be safe near grizzly bears.
Authorities have yet to decide whether or not Boo Boo's owners should face charges or fines over the incident. They haven't even determined how Boo Boo escaped or how to prevent another breakout. After a brief taste of freedom, they'll never hold him. He's probably already working on a tunnel.
This is a follow-up to an earlier story entitled "Smarter than the Average Bear."
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
Smarter Than the Average Bear
By Rainbow Starr
Environmental Reporter
NAPLES, FLORIDA - Local authorities are scouring Golden Gate Estates for an escaped grizzly bear. State wildlife officers and Collier County deputies are searching on foot, by car and in a low flying helicopter. That's right. In CB radio jargon, they even have "a bear in the air."
Everyone is still wondering how the grizzly bear escaped on Tuesday morning. I'm wondering why there's a grizzly bear in Florida. It turns out a local resident has permits for the THREE grizzlies that he keeps in a cage behind his house. WHY? Because he uses them to teach local residents about being safe around grizzly bears. That's odd. Smaller black bears live in Florida. However, there are no grizzly bears in the Florida wilderness... until NOW! This guy has just created a need for his own seminars, and everyone in Naples is getting a free demo whether they want one or not!
The man owns an adult Mama bear and two cubs. Fortunately (and I use the word loosely), the escapee is one of the two-year-old cubs and not the big Mama. So, the cub, named Boo-Boo, ONLY weighs 125 lbs. An adult male grizzly can weigh up to ten times more. Boo-Boo is not aggressive, but authorities are advising area residents not to approach him. What if Boo-Boo approaches residents? Local authorities say people shouldn't run away. In the most questionable public safety tip since "duck and cover," local residents are advised to stand their ground, clap their hands loudly and shout, "Bear Go Home!"
Right.
If the neighbors believe that one, I have some swamp land I'd like to sell them in Florida. Wait! They already fell for that one!
Where did clapping hands as a defensive strategy come from? Is this one of the safety tips the owner has been teaching in his grizzly bear seminars? And I thought playing dead was bad advise for surviving a bear attack. I'll tell you what! If you and I are walking through Naples and Boo-Boo comes along, you stay and clap. I'll run like hell. After you applaud the grizzly bear for mauling you, you should be able to do a VERY convincing job of playing dead. By the time Boo-Boo Bear is done eating you, I'll have a healthy head start, and he'll be too bloated to catch me. That's my strategy for surviving a bear attack. Maybe I'll teach my own seminar.
This is Boo-Boo's first jaunt in the wild, and the two-year-old cub won't know how to survive. So, nearby residents have been advised to thoroughly secure their garbage. Authorities hope that Boo-Boo will find his way home. They are also trying to use his brother, Yogi, to lure him out of the forest. Based on their names, I'd recommend using picnic baskets as bait, but, hey, what do I know? The whole clapping thing was news to me ...
This story of Boo-Boo's breakout is concluded in "Every Time He Thinks He's Out, They Pull Him Back In."
Environmental Reporter
NAPLES, FLORIDA - Local authorities are scouring Golden Gate Estates for an escaped grizzly bear. State wildlife officers and Collier County deputies are searching on foot, by car and in a low flying helicopter. That's right. In CB radio jargon, they even have "a bear in the air."
Everyone is still wondering how the grizzly bear escaped on Tuesday morning. I'm wondering why there's a grizzly bear in Florida. It turns out a local resident has permits for the THREE grizzlies that he keeps in a cage behind his house. WHY? Because he uses them to teach local residents about being safe around grizzly bears. That's odd. Smaller black bears live in Florida. However, there are no grizzly bears in the Florida wilderness... until NOW! This guy has just created a need for his own seminars, and everyone in Naples is getting a free demo whether they want one or not!
The man owns an adult Mama bear and two cubs. Fortunately (and I use the word loosely), the escapee is one of the two-year-old cubs and not the big Mama. So, the cub, named Boo-Boo, ONLY weighs 125 lbs. An adult male grizzly can weigh up to ten times more. Boo-Boo is not aggressive, but authorities are advising area residents not to approach him. What if Boo-Boo approaches residents? Local authorities say people shouldn't run away. In the most questionable public safety tip since "duck and cover," local residents are advised to stand their ground, clap their hands loudly and shout, "Bear Go Home!"
Right.
If the neighbors believe that one, I have some swamp land I'd like to sell them in Florida. Wait! They already fell for that one!
Where did clapping hands as a defensive strategy come from? Is this one of the safety tips the owner has been teaching in his grizzly bear seminars? And I thought playing dead was bad advise for surviving a bear attack. I'll tell you what! If you and I are walking through Naples and Boo-Boo comes along, you stay and clap. I'll run like hell. After you applaud the grizzly bear for mauling you, you should be able to do a VERY convincing job of playing dead. By the time Boo-Boo Bear is done eating you, I'll have a healthy head start, and he'll be too bloated to catch me. That's my strategy for surviving a bear attack. Maybe I'll teach my own seminar.
This is Boo-Boo's first jaunt in the wild, and the two-year-old cub won't know how to survive. So, nearby residents have been advised to thoroughly secure their garbage. Authorities hope that Boo-Boo will find his way home. They are also trying to use his brother, Yogi, to lure him out of the forest. Based on their names, I'd recommend using picnic baskets as bait, but, hey, what do I know? The whole clapping thing was news to me ...
This story of Boo-Boo's breakout is concluded in "Every Time He Thinks He's Out, They Pull Him Back In."
Saturday, January 12, 2013
What Did That Sign Say?
Goodwill Hunting
By Ralph Zenith
Business Reporter
VENICE, FLORIDA - A recent visit to the local Goodwill Thrift Store turned up some unusual merchandise. This town on the west coast of Florida is known for its many retired Jewish residents. With this explanation in mind, let me tell you about some of my most bizarre discoveries this weekend.
Among the many second hand board games in the store, I found Kosherland. Not to be confused with Candyland, Kosherland challenges players to move down a long winding path to find their way home. Along the way, they land on spaces that help or delay them, and reward players for reciting Hebrew prayers and blessings for various types of food.
Displayed in the glass checkout counter at Goodwill, I found "Family & Friends, CPR Anytime." This kit from the American Heart Association promised to teach CPR in just 20 minutes. The large box contained an instructional DVD and an almost life sized latex torso. The kit even came with disinfecting moist towelettes, presumably to swab out the mannequin's gaping maw after each practice session of mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. The large box resembled a board game and pictured a wholesome family of smiling models that looked lively enough to appear in a tampon commercial.
Oh, by the way, the Goodwill Thrift Store in Venice was selling not one, but two, "Family & Friends, CPR Anytime" kits for just $9.99 each. I'm sure that's a great deal, if you don't mind buying a second hand kit that has already been intimately used by total strangers.
The hat rack in the Goodwill store displayed several bizarre and colorful hats. This included three patriotic red, white and blue beanies with stars dangling from spikes like something worn by a court jester. They were actually made in China instead of the USA. The labels also indicated the manufacturer was a costume maker called Elope, with the company slogan "Everyone's Laughing On Planet Earth." Actually, if enough Americans wore those outlandish hats, everyone else on planet Earth would be laughing specifically at the USA. The black hat with spangles to the far left in the above photo, was even more flamboyant. That big, floppy hat looked like something worn by a pimp in Harlem during the 1970s. Perhaps, they also retired to Venice, Florida.
The most bizarre item of all was found back in the glass display counter. The Goodwill Thrift Store was selling a fancy leather whip. This was not a real whip for lashing animals. With many tails made of soft suede, this whip was clearly designed for flogging masochists in Florida's thriving kinky sex subculture. Yet, if someone is willing to pay $29.99 for a leather whip, the prim and proper folks at Goodwill are ready to look the other way.
Business Reporter
VENICE, FLORIDA - A recent visit to the local Goodwill Thrift Store turned up some unusual merchandise. This town on the west coast of Florida is known for its many retired Jewish residents. With this explanation in mind, let me tell you about some of my most bizarre discoveries this weekend.
Among the many second hand board games in the store, I found Kosherland. Not to be confused with Candyland, Kosherland challenges players to move down a long winding path to find their way home. Along the way, they land on spaces that help or delay them, and reward players for reciting Hebrew prayers and blessings for various types of food.
Displayed in the glass checkout counter at Goodwill, I found "Family & Friends, CPR Anytime." This kit from the American Heart Association promised to teach CPR in just 20 minutes. The large box contained an instructional DVD and an almost life sized latex torso. The kit even came with disinfecting moist towelettes, presumably to swab out the mannequin's gaping maw after each practice session of mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. The large box resembled a board game and pictured a wholesome family of smiling models that looked lively enough to appear in a tampon commercial.
Oh, by the way, the Goodwill Thrift Store in Venice was selling not one, but two, "Family & Friends, CPR Anytime" kits for just $9.99 each. I'm sure that's a great deal, if you don't mind buying a second hand kit that has already been intimately used by total strangers.
The hat rack in the Goodwill store displayed several bizarre and colorful hats. This included three patriotic red, white and blue beanies with stars dangling from spikes like something worn by a court jester. They were actually made in China instead of the USA. The labels also indicated the manufacturer was a costume maker called Elope, with the company slogan "Everyone's Laughing On Planet Earth." Actually, if enough Americans wore those outlandish hats, everyone else on planet Earth would be laughing specifically at the USA. The black hat with spangles to the far left in the above photo, was even more flamboyant. That big, floppy hat looked like something worn by a pimp in Harlem during the 1970s. Perhaps, they also retired to Venice, Florida.
The most bizarre item of all was found back in the glass display counter. The Goodwill Thrift Store was selling a fancy leather whip. This was not a real whip for lashing animals. With many tails made of soft suede, this whip was clearly designed for flogging masochists in Florida's thriving kinky sex subculture. Yet, if someone is willing to pay $29.99 for a leather whip, the prim and proper folks at Goodwill are ready to look the other way.
Scary Florida Sign
Photo by Business Reporter Ralph Zenith.
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
Friday, January 4, 2013
What Goes Up Must Come Down
By Scoop Cooper
Crime Reporter
Floridians welcomed the New Year by randomly shooting a small boy and a little old lady. Both people made the mistake of watching public fireworks displays without wearing helmets. The 8-year-old boy was hit in the right foot just before midnight Tuesday in Jacksonville. The 67-year-old woman was shot in the wrist in St. Petersburg. They were hit by celebratory gunfire as the bullets rained back to Earth on New Year's Eve.
Celebratory gunfire is the time honored American tradition of expressing excitement by shooting a gun into the air, usually while shouting "Yee Haw!" Bullets are small. The country is big. What are the odds that someone will be hit? Apparently, the chances are getting pretty good in Florida, where one in 20 people are licensed to carry concealed firearms. This leads the nation with over one million permits for people to sneak around the state with guns. It doesn't even include all the people with rifles and shotguns stored and displayed in their homes and vehicles. Florida doesn't even keep track of them.
Everyone shot on New Year's Eve in Florida wasn't hit by friendly fire. Sgt. Larry Gleockler was patroling in Arcadia when he saw two trespassers in Oak Ridge Cemetery. After calling backup, the 33-year-old officer approached the two youths. One looked pale, thin and about 6-foot-six-inches tall. Gleockler described the other youth as a foot shorter and having a "darker complexion." The youths split-up and fled. In a shocking break with southern tradition, Gleockler pursued the white suspect.
Brandishing his electric Taser, Gleockler cornered the suspect against a headstone and a tree. The youth turned to surrender with one hand raised overhead. In his other hand, he carried a gun and shot Gleockler in the chest. An 11-year veteran of the Arcadia Police Department, Gleockler knew enough to wear his bulletproof vest on New Year's Eve. It deflected the slug from his heart.
Finally seized by the holiday spirit, Gleockler dropped his wimpy Taser, drew his sidearm and returned fire with real bullets, like a red-blooded America! His attacker fell to the ground. Then he got up and ran away. So, I'm thinking the youth was wearing a bulletproof vest too. After all, it was New Year's Eve. You see? If everyone takes basic precautions, no one gets hurt. Well, not seriously hurt. Gleockler was grazed in the shoulder and needed seven stitches.
Florida authorities take a dim view of shooting police officers, even on New Year's Eve. The Desoto and Sarasota county sheriffs scoured the area all night with deputies, dogs and even a helicopter in a flashy display of tax dollars. When no one was captured, they offered a reward for information on the case.
That's that.
Now, if these three Americans had been shot by foreign terrorists, we'd already be bombing their home country, plus Iraq. However, we take domestic violence in stride. We accept an ambient level of danger because we live in a free country. Winging a cop, a boy and a little old lady is a small price to pay for our civil liberties. Cowards who want to live in safe slavery can get out of our country (if they can scale that big wall we just built). We should be willing to face the same dangers that our forefathers did when they fought and died to protect our rights. When the greatest generation stormed Omaha Beach, the GIs said:
"We've got to destroy that bunker! If the Nazis push us back, they could win the war and force affordable health insurance on future generations!"
"Over my dead body, sarge!"
BOOM! BANG! RAT-A-TAT-TAT
"OK, then we have to charge up this hill! A lot of us won't make it! Those new fangled German assault rifles really throw a lot of lead! They're darn good guns! I want my grandchildren to buy them without any background checks or long waiting lists ... Aaargh!"
"NO! The krauts shot, sarge! Let's go! Do it for sarge, and for slightly lower taxes someday! Charge!"
Those might not have been their exact words, but I'm sure that was the American spirit on D-Day.
Crime Reporter
Floridians welcomed the New Year by randomly shooting a small boy and a little old lady. Both people made the mistake of watching public fireworks displays without wearing helmets. The 8-year-old boy was hit in the right foot just before midnight Tuesday in Jacksonville. The 67-year-old woman was shot in the wrist in St. Petersburg. They were hit by celebratory gunfire as the bullets rained back to Earth on New Year's Eve.
Celebratory gunfire is the time honored American tradition of expressing excitement by shooting a gun into the air, usually while shouting "Yee Haw!" Bullets are small. The country is big. What are the odds that someone will be hit? Apparently, the chances are getting pretty good in Florida, where one in 20 people are licensed to carry concealed firearms. This leads the nation with over one million permits for people to sneak around the state with guns. It doesn't even include all the people with rifles and shotguns stored and displayed in their homes and vehicles. Florida doesn't even keep track of them.
Everyone shot on New Year's Eve in Florida wasn't hit by friendly fire. Sgt. Larry Gleockler was patroling in Arcadia when he saw two trespassers in Oak Ridge Cemetery. After calling backup, the 33-year-old officer approached the two youths. One looked pale, thin and about 6-foot-six-inches tall. Gleockler described the other youth as a foot shorter and having a "darker complexion." The youths split-up and fled. In a shocking break with southern tradition, Gleockler pursued the white suspect.
Brandishing his electric Taser, Gleockler cornered the suspect against a headstone and a tree. The youth turned to surrender with one hand raised overhead. In his other hand, he carried a gun and shot Gleockler in the chest. An 11-year veteran of the Arcadia Police Department, Gleockler knew enough to wear his bulletproof vest on New Year's Eve. It deflected the slug from his heart.
Finally seized by the holiday spirit, Gleockler dropped his wimpy Taser, drew his sidearm and returned fire with real bullets, like a red-blooded America! His attacker fell to the ground. Then he got up and ran away. So, I'm thinking the youth was wearing a bulletproof vest too. After all, it was New Year's Eve. You see? If everyone takes basic precautions, no one gets hurt. Well, not seriously hurt. Gleockler was grazed in the shoulder and needed seven stitches.
Florida authorities take a dim view of shooting police officers, even on New Year's Eve. The Desoto and Sarasota county sheriffs scoured the area all night with deputies, dogs and even a helicopter in a flashy display of tax dollars. When no one was captured, they offered a reward for information on the case.
That's that.
Now, if these three Americans had been shot by foreign terrorists, we'd already be bombing their home country, plus Iraq. However, we take domestic violence in stride. We accept an ambient level of danger because we live in a free country. Winging a cop, a boy and a little old lady is a small price to pay for our civil liberties. Cowards who want to live in safe slavery can get out of our country (if they can scale that big wall we just built). We should be willing to face the same dangers that our forefathers did when they fought and died to protect our rights. When the greatest generation stormed Omaha Beach, the GIs said:
"We've got to destroy that bunker! If the Nazis push us back, they could win the war and force affordable health insurance on future generations!"
"Over my dead body, sarge!"
BOOM! BANG! RAT-A-TAT-TAT
"OK, then we have to charge up this hill! A lot of us won't make it! Those new fangled German assault rifles really throw a lot of lead! They're darn good guns! I want my grandchildren to buy them without any background checks or long waiting lists ... Aaargh!"
"NO! The krauts shot, sarge! Let's go! Do it for sarge, and for slightly lower taxes someday! Charge!"
Those might not have been their exact words, but I'm sure that was the American spirit on D-Day.
Thursday, December 27, 2012
What the Grinch Stole this Christmas
By Scoop Cooper
Crime Reporter
ORLANDO, FLORIDA - Where does an 800 pound gorilla statue go? Quite a few places, actually.
Just before Thanksgiving, a 4-foot-tall bronze statue of a gorilla was stolen from the Metropolitan Express hotel. This already poses three questions. Why did the hotel have a giant bronze statue of a gorilla? Why would someone steal it and how?
Well, the hotel is decorated with a jungle theme, including not one, but two, gorilla statues. The other one has been chained to a tree since the theft. The stolen gorilla stood beside the hotel pool, until someone pushed it into the water. It took 10 hotel workers to get it out and move it outside the pool fence. So, they were surprised when the statue disappeared. They suspected that drunks took it after a nearby bar closed at 2:30 a.m. November 24. Why? Well, the 800 pound bronze statue is worth between $5,000 and $8,000.
In early December, the statue was found about four miles from the hotel by a man walking his dog. It looked like someone had backed up a truck and dumped it into the brush. The statue slid easily across the wet leaves on the ground. With the help of ONE friend and a dolly, they delivered it to the nearby doorstep of a mutual friend. So, the 10 hotel workers who moved the gorilla initially were either lazy or weak or both.
Anyway, the mutual friend was startled when he returned home later to find a giant gorilla standing inexplicably on his doorstep. He left it standing on his porch for three weeks. Then, on Tuesday, he did a Google search for a missing bronze gorilla and found an article about the mysterious statue. It was a Christmas Miracle!
Police are not filing any charges in connection with the incident. The hotel just needs to retrieve the heavy statue. Perhaps, they will send 10 weakling staff workers to pick it up like a bunch of bumbling Keystone Cops. There is no formal reward for the return of the statue. However, the bartender at the hotel's Tiki bar did offer a free round of Christmas spirits for anyone who helped to find the wayward gorilla.
Crime Reporter
ORLANDO, FLORIDA - Where does an 800 pound gorilla statue go? Quite a few places, actually.
Just before Thanksgiving, a 4-foot-tall bronze statue of a gorilla was stolen from the Metropolitan Express hotel. This already poses three questions. Why did the hotel have a giant bronze statue of a gorilla? Why would someone steal it and how?
Well, the hotel is decorated with a jungle theme, including not one, but two, gorilla statues. The other one has been chained to a tree since the theft. The stolen gorilla stood beside the hotel pool, until someone pushed it into the water. It took 10 hotel workers to get it out and move it outside the pool fence. So, they were surprised when the statue disappeared. They suspected that drunks took it after a nearby bar closed at 2:30 a.m. November 24. Why? Well, the 800 pound bronze statue is worth between $5,000 and $8,000.
In early December, the statue was found about four miles from the hotel by a man walking his dog. It looked like someone had backed up a truck and dumped it into the brush. The statue slid easily across the wet leaves on the ground. With the help of ONE friend and a dolly, they delivered it to the nearby doorstep of a mutual friend. So, the 10 hotel workers who moved the gorilla initially were either lazy or weak or both.
Anyway, the mutual friend was startled when he returned home later to find a giant gorilla standing inexplicably on his doorstep. He left it standing on his porch for three weeks. Then, on Tuesday, he did a Google search for a missing bronze gorilla and found an article about the mysterious statue. It was a Christmas Miracle!
Police are not filing any charges in connection with the incident. The hotel just needs to retrieve the heavy statue. Perhaps, they will send 10 weakling staff workers to pick it up like a bunch of bumbling Keystone Cops. There is no formal reward for the return of the statue. However, the bartender at the hotel's Tiki bar did offer a free round of Christmas spirits for anyone who helped to find the wayward gorilla.
Monday, December 17, 2012
Too Many Cooks Spoil the Shot
By Scoop Cooper
Crime Reporter
FLORIDA - Sometimes two serious headlines become crazy due to their proximity to each other. An example can be found in the Wire Section of the December 13 Englewood Sun. On page 5, one headline reads, "Fla. at 1 million with concealed weapons." The headline immediately below reads, "Police: Man fatally shot roommate over dinner."
Coincidence? Or are the editors making a subtle connection between the two stories?
Florida has already issued more permits to carry concealed weapons than any other state in the nation. The number is expected to reach 1 million sometime this week. So, any senior citizen you bump into could be packing a firearm. In Florida, there is also no legal requirement to back down from a fight. Starting trouble with ANYONE can dangerously escalate. The resulting cordiality is commonly called "Southern Hospitality."
Unfortunately, the story under the second headline demonstrates that Southern Hospitality doesn't always work in practice. Allegedly, a 55-year-old man often returned drunk to his apartment in Holly Hill and argued violently with his roommate. On December 11, he confessed to shooting his roommate twice in the head during a dispute over the best way to prepare pork chops for dinner.
Crime Reporter
FLORIDA - Sometimes two serious headlines become crazy due to their proximity to each other. An example can be found in the Wire Section of the December 13 Englewood Sun. On page 5, one headline reads, "Fla. at 1 million with concealed weapons." The headline immediately below reads, "Police: Man fatally shot roommate over dinner."
Coincidence? Or are the editors making a subtle connection between the two stories?
Florida has already issued more permits to carry concealed weapons than any other state in the nation. The number is expected to reach 1 million sometime this week. So, any senior citizen you bump into could be packing a firearm. In Florida, there is also no legal requirement to back down from a fight. Starting trouble with ANYONE can dangerously escalate. The resulting cordiality is commonly called "Southern Hospitality."
Unfortunately, the story under the second headline demonstrates that Southern Hospitality doesn't always work in practice. Allegedly, a 55-year-old man often returned drunk to his apartment in Holly Hill and argued violently with his roommate. On December 11, he confessed to shooting his roommate twice in the head during a dispute over the best way to prepare pork chops for dinner.
Thursday, November 29, 2012
No Sign of Birds
By Rainbow Starr
Environmental Reporter
PUNTA GORDA, FLORIDA - Part time residents of this area are called snowbirds. They live most of the year further North. They flock to SW Florida to escape the snow between Halloween and Easter.
The same is true for many actual birds in this area. They don't migrate through Florida in the spring and fall. This is actually their final destination. These birds are said to "winter over" until they fly North again in the spring. My recent sightings of several new ducks encouraged me to go bird watching again on Thursday afternoon. This time I ventured further inland. I spent several hours trooping around the trails at the Charlotte Harbor Environmental Center. Affectionately referred to as CHEC, it is a non-profit, private wildlife refuge at 10941 Burnt Store Road. It sits in the protected area around Charlotte Harbor that is likely to flood if the waters rise. So, I figured I should explore the place before global warming goes too far.
This was only my second visit to CHEC, and it may well be my last. Not only did I see few birds, for most of my hike, I didn't even HEAR any birds. Except for the rustling of leaves and branches in the wind, everything was completely silent. I felt like I was bird watching after the apocalypse.
I'm not saying there was no wildlife at the CHEC. During the first hour, I jumped out of my skin when a big black racer snake slithered noisily into the dry underbrush. During the second hour, my hiking companion almost stepped on a glass lizard. That legless green reptile looks just like a snake. It gets its name from the ability to snap off its tail to befuddle a predator. As the tail flaps by reflex in the jaws of an attacker, the main body of the glass lizard can slither away. I swear, the lizard actually sacrifices most of its body so the remainder can escape. This seems like a wasteful survival tactic to me. It is only surpassed by the local poisonous tree frogs. Any predator that swallows one of them dies with convulsions about 24 hours later. How does that help the frog? Their natural defense is to leave a bad aftertaste.
As a newly minted graduate of the Florida Master Naturalist Program, my fellow hiker found more to interest her at CHEC than I did. While I futilely scanned overhead for birds, she found mushrooms, moss, grass, coffee plants and exotic flowers one the ground. Many of these things were conveniently labeled by small signs and plaques by the side of the trails. We grew spoiled. When we found a sign about bald eagles, we were disappointed there wasn't one perched right behind it.
Some of the other signs at CHEC were less helpful and more puzzling.
This sign seemed to suggest that the hawk eats the sun to complete the circle of life.
Small white arrows helped us follow the hiking trails at CHEC. At one point, even these simple arrows seemed to lead us astray. The hiker in the photo below was justifiably confused about which sign to believe.
Seriously, why would the trail lead hikers into the jaws of alligators?
The trail blazers at CHEC employed the process of elimination with some of their signs. It may have been a bit overgrown, but that was definitely a trail beside this sign. I wasn't sure what to make of it. Were they hiding something down there? They may as well have posted a sign reading, "Turn back! There's nothing to see here! Move along!"
Many plaques and statues in Florida are just monuments to the people who paid for them. They do nothing to educate tourists. They are just covered with the names of the donors and fundraisers. On some of the wooden bridges and boardwalks at CHEC, every single timber is etched with the names and sentiments of contributors.
I didn't know Mr. Derrick. Unless he was a dried up, dead twig, this plaque doesn't do him justice.
Our futile hike ended at the CHEC observation blind. We quietly entered the back of the shack and sat at a large window overlooking a bunch of bird baths, bird houses and bird feeders. I felt like the witness of a crime sitting behind a one-way mirror on CSI. Unfortunately, the bird feeders were empty of seed as well as birds. At least we saw some vultures, herons and a bald eagle flying above the treetops. However, those are pretty easy to see anywhere in SW Florida.
Eventually, a solitary palm warbler arrived at the blind (one of the most abundant birds in SW Florida). He perched on a low branch and nervously looked around for about 10 minutes before dropping down to take a sip of water. When I stood to get a better view, the warbler flew away. Suspiciously, I walked around the front of the "observation blind." Sure enough, the birds could see us inside as clear as day. I don't think CHEC understands what "observation blind" really means.
We were leaving CHEC in abject defeat when we came upon a gopher tortoise munching on some grass. He was standing in the middle of some fire ant mounds. So, I have to salute the turtle's resolve even as I question his judgment. We also saw a large gator laying beside a pond near the visitor center.
The sun was literally setting as we walked to the parking lot. Of course, that's when CHEC sprang to life! We finally saw a red-shoulder hawk perched in the distance and a great horned owl, perched low beside the entry road. We even scared off a big, black wild pig that was rummaging around the CHEC administrative buildings. We saw more wildlife in the last five minutes of our hike than in the first three hours.
The forest was beautiful and the weather couldn't have been nicer. However, as a bird watching destination, the CHEC is a great place to see reptiles.
Environmental Reporter
PUNTA GORDA, FLORIDA - Part time residents of this area are called snowbirds. They live most of the year further North. They flock to SW Florida to escape the snow between Halloween and Easter.
The same is true for many actual birds in this area. They don't migrate through Florida in the spring and fall. This is actually their final destination. These birds are said to "winter over" until they fly North again in the spring. My recent sightings of several new ducks encouraged me to go bird watching again on Thursday afternoon. This time I ventured further inland. I spent several hours trooping around the trails at the Charlotte Harbor Environmental Center. Affectionately referred to as CHEC, it is a non-profit, private wildlife refuge at 10941 Burnt Store Road. It sits in the protected area around Charlotte Harbor that is likely to flood if the waters rise. So, I figured I should explore the place before global warming goes too far.
This was only my second visit to CHEC, and it may well be my last. Not only did I see few birds, for most of my hike, I didn't even HEAR any birds. Except for the rustling of leaves and branches in the wind, everything was completely silent. I felt like I was bird watching after the apocalypse.
I'm not saying there was no wildlife at the CHEC. During the first hour, I jumped out of my skin when a big black racer snake slithered noisily into the dry underbrush. During the second hour, my hiking companion almost stepped on a glass lizard. That legless green reptile looks just like a snake. It gets its name from the ability to snap off its tail to befuddle a predator. As the tail flaps by reflex in the jaws of an attacker, the main body of the glass lizard can slither away. I swear, the lizard actually sacrifices most of its body so the remainder can escape. This seems like a wasteful survival tactic to me. It is only surpassed by the local poisonous tree frogs. Any predator that swallows one of them dies with convulsions about 24 hours later. How does that help the frog? Their natural defense is to leave a bad aftertaste.
As a newly minted graduate of the Florida Master Naturalist Program, my fellow hiker found more to interest her at CHEC than I did. While I futilely scanned overhead for birds, she found mushrooms, moss, grass, coffee plants and exotic flowers one the ground. Many of these things were conveniently labeled by small signs and plaques by the side of the trails. We grew spoiled. When we found a sign about bald eagles, we were disappointed there wasn't one perched right behind it.
Some of the other signs at CHEC were less helpful and more puzzling.
This sign seemed to suggest that the hawk eats the sun to complete the circle of life.
Small white arrows helped us follow the hiking trails at CHEC. At one point, even these simple arrows seemed to lead us astray. The hiker in the photo below was justifiably confused about which sign to believe.
Many plaques and statues in Florida are just monuments to the people who paid for them. They do nothing to educate tourists. They are just covered with the names of the donors and fundraisers. On some of the wooden bridges and boardwalks at CHEC, every single timber is etched with the names and sentiments of contributors.
Our futile hike ended at the CHEC observation blind. We quietly entered the back of the shack and sat at a large window overlooking a bunch of bird baths, bird houses and bird feeders. I felt like the witness of a crime sitting behind a one-way mirror on CSI. Unfortunately, the bird feeders were empty of seed as well as birds. At least we saw some vultures, herons and a bald eagle flying above the treetops. However, those are pretty easy to see anywhere in SW Florida.
Eventually, a solitary palm warbler arrived at the blind (one of the most abundant birds in SW Florida). He perched on a low branch and nervously looked around for about 10 minutes before dropping down to take a sip of water. When I stood to get a better view, the warbler flew away. Suspiciously, I walked around the front of the "observation blind." Sure enough, the birds could see us inside as clear as day. I don't think CHEC understands what "observation blind" really means.
We were leaving CHEC in abject defeat when we came upon a gopher tortoise munching on some grass. He was standing in the middle of some fire ant mounds. So, I have to salute the turtle's resolve even as I question his judgment. We also saw a large gator laying beside a pond near the visitor center.
The sun was literally setting as we walked to the parking lot. Of course, that's when CHEC sprang to life! We finally saw a red-shoulder hawk perched in the distance and a great horned owl, perched low beside the entry road. We even scared off a big, black wild pig that was rummaging around the CHEC administrative buildings. We saw more wildlife in the last five minutes of our hike than in the first three hours.
The forest was beautiful and the weather couldn't have been nicer. However, as a bird watching destination, the CHEC is a great place to see reptiles.
Sunday, November 25, 2012
A Butt Clenching Headline
By Scoop Cooper
Crime Reporter
TALLAHASSEE, FLORIDA - A headline in the Nov. 20 issue of The Englewood Sun suggests that Governor Rick Scott is wildly exceeding his authority. The headline on page 5 reads, "Scott asks inspector general to probe Citizens."
All of us?
With all due respect, I think Governor Scott overestimates the sexual prowess of our inspector general.
A closer reading of the article offered an explanation that was almost as funny as the headline. Our governor has ordered an investigation of a state-backed company called Citizens Property Insurance Corp. He said he was concerned about the firing of four employees at Citizens. They were investigating the mismanagement of company funds when Citizens fired them. Hmmm ... I'm sure it was just a coincidence.
Just the same, I was glad to read that the Florida inspector general, Melinda Miguel, is a woman and not a man. I was relieved!
Crime Reporter
TALLAHASSEE, FLORIDA - A headline in the Nov. 20 issue of The Englewood Sun suggests that Governor Rick Scott is wildly exceeding his authority. The headline on page 5 reads, "Scott asks inspector general to probe Citizens."
All of us?
With all due respect, I think Governor Scott overestimates the sexual prowess of our inspector general.
A closer reading of the article offered an explanation that was almost as funny as the headline. Our governor has ordered an investigation of a state-backed company called Citizens Property Insurance Corp. He said he was concerned about the firing of four employees at Citizens. They were investigating the mismanagement of company funds when Citizens fired them. Hmmm ... I'm sure it was just a coincidence.
Just the same, I was glad to read that the Florida inspector general, Melinda Miguel, is a woman and not a man. I was relieved!
Monday, November 19, 2012
Go Climb a Tree
By Scoop Cooper
Crime Reporter
LAND O' LAKES, FLORIDA - An accused bike thief, who fled up a tree, is back on the ground and behind bars.
The man is accused of stealing a bicycle by pushing the rider off of it at 2 p.m. Friday. The suspect loaded the bike on his truck. When police responded to the call, the suspect fought off a deputy and climbed up a 30-foot-tall tree. Apparently, he didn't have a next move. He stayed in the tree for 11 hours. Police and news crews stood vigil around the base of the tree. After nightfall, they shined lights up into the foliage. However, the suspect remained unseen, except for the occasional movement of branches. One amused witness described the arboreal fugitive as nimble as a monkey.
The suspect finally decided he'd rather spend the night in jail than in a tree and descended to the ground at 1 a.m. Saturday morning. The bald, 37-year-old Pasco County resident was arrested and charged with robbery, battery on a police officer and resisting arrest. He is being held in the Land O' Lakes Detention Center.
Gee, the Mystery Monkey of Tampa Bay held out longer than this guy. (sigh) I still miss Cornelius.
Crime Reporter
LAND O' LAKES, FLORIDA - An accused bike thief, who fled up a tree, is back on the ground and behind bars.
The man is accused of stealing a bicycle by pushing the rider off of it at 2 p.m. Friday. The suspect loaded the bike on his truck. When police responded to the call, the suspect fought off a deputy and climbed up a 30-foot-tall tree. Apparently, he didn't have a next move. He stayed in the tree for 11 hours. Police and news crews stood vigil around the base of the tree. After nightfall, they shined lights up into the foliage. However, the suspect remained unseen, except for the occasional movement of branches. One amused witness described the arboreal fugitive as nimble as a monkey.
The suspect finally decided he'd rather spend the night in jail than in a tree and descended to the ground at 1 a.m. Saturday morning. The bald, 37-year-old Pasco County resident was arrested and charged with robbery, battery on a police officer and resisting arrest. He is being held in the Land O' Lakes Detention Center.
Gee, the Mystery Monkey of Tampa Bay held out longer than this guy. (sigh) I still miss Cornelius.
Friday, November 16, 2012
Anything to Save the Ta Tas
By Rainbow Starr
WEST ROTONDA, FLORIDA - Bidding for a woman's bra is usually accompanied by sleazy music and erotic dancing. However, the auction of brassieres at the Veterans of Foreign Wars hall Saturday night will be for a cause far more worthy than a striptease. The VFW Ladies Auxiliary is holding a Save the Boobies Party to raise money to fight breast cancer. The event starts at 5 p.m. and includes music, dinner, raffles and an auction of creatively hand decorated bras.
Several of the bras have a pair of cups which have been decorated to look like giant eyes. Red plastic eyeballs protrude like nipples from the "Zombie bra." The "Jingle Boobies" bra is covered by red and green Christmas bells. The "Combat Bra" is covered by plastic army men - green soldiers on the left cup and tan on the right. However, my personal favorite is a bra covered with pink feathers to look like a flamingo. The wings are spread to cover the cups. A bird leg dangles from each cup. The flamingo's head peaks out from the area usually reserved for cleavage.
Thursday, November 8, 2012
The Over-the-Hill Gang
By Scoop Cooper
Crime Reporter
PORT CHARLOTTE, FLORIDA - We all get older, even criminals.
Like salmon swimming upstream to die, elderly Americans seem compelled to retire to Florida. My little corner of paradise is known as God's Waiting Room. Since Republicans outnumber Democrats by two to one, SW Florida should be called The Elephants Graveyard, but that's just my opinion.
The median average age in Charlotte County is actually 56. So, a lot of the criminals are starting to show their age. The long arm of the law caught up with two of these doddering outlaws last weekend, while the rest of the nation was obsessing over the election.
On Nov. 1, a bald man with a gray goatee entered the SunTrust Bank in Port Charlotte. Without brandishing a weapon, he coerced an undisclosed amount of cash from a teller. Then, the suspect fled the scene. I know you're picturing a getaway car spraying gravel into the air with squealing tires, but no. Remember, this is SW Florida, where the pace is more laid back. The aging bank robber made his slow-motion escape on a small electric scooter. Don't laugh. He got away! Despite a dragnet with police dogs and a helicopter, all they found was the bank robber's discarded jacket and abandoned scooter.
Never fear! The Florida police always catch their man! The chase finally ended last Sunday. The authorities caught up with their prey at ... Tampa General Hospital. The 51-year-old suspect was being treated for a previous medical condition. I guess life in the fast lane caught up with him. The ailing bank robber was arrested and placed under guard at Tampa General Hospital. He will be officially charged with two robberies when he is returned to Charlotte County, health permitting.
The elderly crime wave continued on Saturday night. Police saw two women in a truck drive away from a reputed drug den in Punta Gorda. A deputy pulled them over for a routine "traffic stop." The 25-year-old driver was merely arrested for driving with a suspended license. However, when the 49-year-old passenger was ordered to step out of the vehicle, she allegedly threw a syringe on the ground. This aroused the suspicion of the highly trained deputy. He allegedly found a crack pipe and a piece of crack in her purse. Now in full sleuth mode, the deputy observed that his tight-lipped prisoner was fussing with something in her mouth. Allegedly, she removed her dentures to reveal three more large crack rocks. That must've wiped the smile off her face, in more ways than one. The 49-year-old-would-be-smuggler was charged with possession of cocaine and drug paraphernalia and released on $3,500 bail.
I think I speak for everyone in God's Waiting Room when I say, "We are getting too old for this nonsense."
If you enjoyed this story, please use the buttons below to email it, share, tweet, squawk and quack it to all your friends. Thanks!
Crime Reporter
PORT CHARLOTTE, FLORIDA - We all get older, even criminals.
Like salmon swimming upstream to die, elderly Americans seem compelled to retire to Florida. My little corner of paradise is known as God's Waiting Room. Since Republicans outnumber Democrats by two to one, SW Florida should be called The Elephants Graveyard, but that's just my opinion.
The median average age in Charlotte County is actually 56. So, a lot of the criminals are starting to show their age. The long arm of the law caught up with two of these doddering outlaws last weekend, while the rest of the nation was obsessing over the election.
On Nov. 1, a bald man with a gray goatee entered the SunTrust Bank in Port Charlotte. Without brandishing a weapon, he coerced an undisclosed amount of cash from a teller. Then, the suspect fled the scene. I know you're picturing a getaway car spraying gravel into the air with squealing tires, but no. Remember, this is SW Florida, where the pace is more laid back. The aging bank robber made his slow-motion escape on a small electric scooter. Don't laugh. He got away! Despite a dragnet with police dogs and a helicopter, all they found was the bank robber's discarded jacket and abandoned scooter.
Never fear! The Florida police always catch their man! The chase finally ended last Sunday. The authorities caught up with their prey at ... Tampa General Hospital. The 51-year-old suspect was being treated for a previous medical condition. I guess life in the fast lane caught up with him. The ailing bank robber was arrested and placed under guard at Tampa General Hospital. He will be officially charged with two robberies when he is returned to Charlotte County, health permitting.
The elderly crime wave continued on Saturday night. Police saw two women in a truck drive away from a reputed drug den in Punta Gorda. A deputy pulled them over for a routine "traffic stop." The 25-year-old driver was merely arrested for driving with a suspended license. However, when the 49-year-old passenger was ordered to step out of the vehicle, she allegedly threw a syringe on the ground. This aroused the suspicion of the highly trained deputy. He allegedly found a crack pipe and a piece of crack in her purse. Now in full sleuth mode, the deputy observed that his tight-lipped prisoner was fussing with something in her mouth. Allegedly, she removed her dentures to reveal three more large crack rocks. That must've wiped the smile off her face, in more ways than one. The 49-year-old-would-be-smuggler was charged with possession of cocaine and drug paraphernalia and released on $3,500 bail.
I think I speak for everyone in God's Waiting Room when I say, "We are getting too old for this nonsense."
If you enjoyed this story, please use the buttons below to email it, share, tweet, squawk and quack it to all your friends. Thanks!
Sunday, November 4, 2012
Connie Mack a Momma's Boy
By Mark Lucas
News Editor
FLORIDA - Republican US Congressman and chronic deadbeat Connie Mack is scraping the bottom of the barrel for political endorsements. Recent campaign commercials, feature his mother Priscilla. According to her, Mack would make a terrific US senator. It's a half-hearted endorsement. Even she admits that her son "was a handful." I wonder if she was referring to his history of barroom brawls and road rage.
However, the suspense is over. Despite having one of the worst attendance records in Congress, Mack's mother will vote for him. What other endorsements has Mack been holding back for an October Surprise? Will his second grade teacher support his views on education? Does Mack have a note from his childhood doctor that excuses his views on health care? Does his dog approve of his record on environmental issues?
Despite the last-minute endorsement from his mother, the senatorial race is finally turning against Connie Mack, aka Cornelius Harvey McGuillicuddy IV. Over the weekend, a poll of 800 likely voters found only 43% supported Mack. On the other hand, 49% planned to vote for Democratic incumbent and beady-eyed good-old-boy, US Senator Bill Nelson. With 4% voting for third party candidates, that only leaves 4% of Florida voters undecided and still up for grabs. Then again, the poll has a 3.5% margin of error. So anything can happen. When a candidate is supported by his own mother, clearly we are living in an age of miracles.
News Editor
FLORIDA - Republican US Congressman and chronic deadbeat Connie Mack is scraping the bottom of the barrel for political endorsements. Recent campaign commercials, feature his mother Priscilla. According to her, Mack would make a terrific US senator. It's a half-hearted endorsement. Even she admits that her son "was a handful." I wonder if she was referring to his history of barroom brawls and road rage.
However, the suspense is over. Despite having one of the worst attendance records in Congress, Mack's mother will vote for him. What other endorsements has Mack been holding back for an October Surprise? Will his second grade teacher support his views on education? Does Mack have a note from his childhood doctor that excuses his views on health care? Does his dog approve of his record on environmental issues?
Despite the last-minute endorsement from his mother, the senatorial race is finally turning against Connie Mack, aka Cornelius Harvey McGuillicuddy IV. Over the weekend, a poll of 800 likely voters found only 43% supported Mack. On the other hand, 49% planned to vote for Democratic incumbent and beady-eyed good-old-boy, US Senator Bill Nelson. With 4% voting for third party candidates, that only leaves 4% of Florida voters undecided and still up for grabs. Then again, the poll has a 3.5% margin of error. So anything can happen. When a candidate is supported by his own mother, clearly we are living in an age of miracles.
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
Careful Where You Park
By Scoop Cooper
Crime Reporter
PUNTA GORDA, FLORIDA - A girl's first car was crushed repeatedly by a monster truck because of a big misunderstanding, according to a Ft. Myers man.
He was one of the 1000s of people who attended an outdoor concert and off road rally at a popular mud pit known as The Redneck Yacht Club on Feb. 25. The annual Swamp Cabbage Weekend is touted as the largest mud party in the state of Florida. Just before 5 a.m., the 40-year-old Ft. Myers man found a crowd cheering two other truckers who were vainly trying to run over a 1994 Toyota Camry. However, their trucks weren't big enough to get 'er done. So, the Ft. Myers man saved the show with the five-foot-tall tires of his own camouflaged van. That's when a shocked 16-year-old attendee returned from a nearby mud pit and exclaimed that her car was not part of the monster truck rally.
The Charlotte County Sheriff's Department replied to the girl's call. Witnesses described the responsible truck driver as a man in his 40s with spiked gray hair and a white T-shirt. However, police still needed an eyewitness to single the Ft. Myers man out of the crowd. Fancy that.
The Ft. Myers truck driver was arrested and charged with criminal mischief. Video of him crushing the girl's car went viral on the internet. The Ft. Myers man was classy enough to pay the girl $6,500 to replace her car. However, he claimed the staff at The Redneck Yacht Club had given him permission to finish destroying the car, which was already badly damaged by the first two trucks.
His jury trial was scheduled to start Monday. However, the 40-year-old man avoided a trial and a verdict by pleading no contest and paying the court's costs. He did not confess guilt, but just wanted to move on with his life. It is not known if he will be reinstated into the prestigious Redneck Yacht Club.
Saturday, October 13, 2012
Dotting the Eye
By Rainbow Starr
Environmental Reporter
POMPANO BEACH, FLORIDA - The giant eyeball that washed up here Wednesday has been tentatively identified.
A man found the mysterious eyeball among the flotsam and jetsam while strolling along Pompano Beach on Wednesday. The eye, as big as a softball, probably belonged to a swordfish, according to a professor at Nova Southeastern University's Oceanographic Center.
The swordfish should've listened to his mother. Frolicking in a school of fish with big sharp bills seems like fun - until someone takes an eye out!
Environmental Reporter
POMPANO BEACH, FLORIDA - The giant eyeball that washed up here Wednesday has been tentatively identified.
A man found the mysterious eyeball among the flotsam and jetsam while strolling along Pompano Beach on Wednesday. The eye, as big as a softball, probably belonged to a swordfish, according to a professor at Nova Southeastern University's Oceanographic Center.
The swordfish should've listened to his mother. Frolicking in a school of fish with big sharp bills seems like fun - until someone takes an eye out!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)