By Scoop Cooper
Crime Reporter
Floridians welcomed the New Year by randomly shooting a small boy and a little old lady. Both people made the mistake of watching public fireworks displays without wearing helmets. The 8-year-old boy was hit in the right foot just before midnight Tuesday in Jacksonville. The 67-year-old woman was shot in the wrist in St. Petersburg. They were hit by celebratory gunfire as the bullets rained back to Earth on New Year's Eve.
Celebratory gunfire is the time honored American tradition of expressing excitement by shooting a gun into the air, usually while shouting "Yee Haw!" Bullets are small. The country is big. What are the odds that someone will be hit? Apparently, the chances are getting pretty good in Florida, where one in 20 people are licensed to carry concealed firearms. This leads the nation with over one million permits for people to sneak around the state with guns. It doesn't even include all the people with rifles and shotguns stored and displayed in their homes and vehicles. Florida doesn't even keep track of them.
Everyone shot on New Year's Eve in Florida wasn't hit by friendly fire. Sgt. Larry Gleockler was patroling in Arcadia when he saw two trespassers in Oak Ridge Cemetery. After calling backup, the 33-year-old officer approached the two youths. One looked pale, thin and about 6-foot-six-inches tall. Gleockler described the other youth as a foot shorter and having a "darker complexion." The youths split-up and fled. In a shocking break with southern tradition, Gleockler pursued the white suspect.
Brandishing his electric Taser, Gleockler cornered the suspect against a headstone and a tree. The youth turned to surrender with one hand raised overhead. In his other hand, he carried a gun and shot Gleockler in the chest. An 11-year veteran of the Arcadia Police Department, Gleockler knew enough to wear his bulletproof vest on New Year's Eve. It deflected the slug from his heart.
Finally seized by the holiday spirit, Gleockler dropped his wimpy Taser, drew his sidearm and returned fire with real bullets, like a red-blooded America! His attacker fell to the ground. Then he got up and ran away. So, I'm thinking the youth was wearing a bulletproof vest too. After all, it was New Year's Eve. You see? If everyone takes basic precautions, no one gets hurt. Well, not seriously hurt. Gleockler was grazed in the shoulder and needed seven stitches.
Florida authorities take a dim view of shooting police officers, even on New Year's Eve. The Desoto and Sarasota county sheriffs scoured the area all night with deputies, dogs and even a helicopter in a flashy display of tax dollars. When no one was captured, they offered a reward for information on the case.
That's that.
Now, if these three Americans had been shot by foreign terrorists, we'd already be bombing their home country, plus Iraq. However, we take domestic violence in stride. We accept an ambient level of danger because we live in a free country. Winging a cop, a boy and a little old lady is a small price to pay for our civil liberties. Cowards who want to live in safe slavery can get out of our country (if they can scale that big wall we just built). We should be willing to face the same dangers that our forefathers did when they fought and died to protect our rights. When the greatest generation stormed Omaha Beach, the GIs said:
"We've got to destroy that bunker! If the Nazis push us back, they could win the war and force affordable health insurance on future generations!"
"Over my dead body, sarge!"
BOOM! BANG! RAT-A-TAT-TAT
"OK, then we have to charge up this hill! A lot of us won't make it! Those new fangled German assault rifles really throw a lot of lead! They're darn good guns! I want my grandchildren to buy them without any background checks or long waiting lists ... Aaargh!"
"NO! The krauts shot, sarge! Let's go! Do it for sarge, and for slightly lower taxes someday! Charge!"
Those might not have been their exact words, but I'm sure that was the American spirit on D-Day.
Showing posts with label stupid criminals. Show all posts
Showing posts with label stupid criminals. Show all posts
Friday, January 4, 2013
Sunday, December 30, 2012
The Mounties Always Get Their Syrup
By Scoop Cooper
Crime Reporter
KEDGWICK, CANADA - A total of 18 people have been arrested and charged with stealing 9,600 barrels of maple syrup. Actually, they siphoned off the syrup and left the empty barrels behind. I doubt the thieves actually clamped hoses in their lips and sucked until they turned blue. Yet, given the viscosity of syrup, it sounds like like a long, slow heist. It was. Somehow, the tons of syrup was gradually drained away from August 2011 to July 2012 without anyone noticing. An alarming number of empty barrels was finally discovered on August 24 at a huge distribution center in Saint-Louis-de-Blandford.
The distribution center is owned by a maple syrup cartel (yes there really is such a thing) called the Federation of Quebec Maple Syrup Producers. The Federation administers a bulk sale system for 7,500 maple syrup producers. In fact, their warehouse, about 100 miles southwest of Quebec City, contains a total of 3.4 million liters of syrup. That's 10% of all the maple syrup produced by Quebec, and Quebec produces 75% of all the maple syrup in the world.
The missing syrup is insured for $18 million, debunking the assumption that Canada has nothing worth stealing.
Quick as molasses, the stolen syrup was tracked down by the Royal Canadian Mounted Police late in December. Backed up by the local police, the mounties seized 400,000 pounds of the hot syrup from S.K. Export, an export company in Kedgwick, New Brunswick. Authorities seek to arrest seven more suspects in connection with the theft. Personally, I'd look for anyone with sticky hands, hearty lungs and lips like a vice. Then again, that does describe most Canadians.
Saturday, December 29, 2012
No Friend of Bill W.
By Scoop Cooper
Crime Reporter
DORSET, VERMONT - A man from Marlboro, Massachusetts has been charged with drunk driving after driving his car onto the lawn of a historic house. According to State Police, the 55-year-old man was so drunk he drove onto the lawn of the Wilson House because he thought it was a parking lot. Built in 1852, the home is called the Wilson House because William Wilson, a founder of Alcoholics Anonymous, was born there. Several AA meetings per week are still held at the site.
The accused drunk driver is scheduled to appear in Bennington court on January 14. If he's sentenced to attend AA, at least he'll know how to get to the meetings.
Crime Reporter
DORSET, VERMONT - A man from Marlboro, Massachusetts has been charged with drunk driving after driving his car onto the lawn of a historic house. According to State Police, the 55-year-old man was so drunk he drove onto the lawn of the Wilson House because he thought it was a parking lot. Built in 1852, the home is called the Wilson House because William Wilson, a founder of Alcoholics Anonymous, was born there. Several AA meetings per week are still held at the site.
The accused drunk driver is scheduled to appear in Bennington court on January 14. If he's sentenced to attend AA, at least he'll know how to get to the meetings.
Thursday, December 27, 2012
What the Grinch Stole this Christmas
By Scoop Cooper
Crime Reporter
ORLANDO, FLORIDA - Where does an 800 pound gorilla statue go? Quite a few places, actually.
Just before Thanksgiving, a 4-foot-tall bronze statue of a gorilla was stolen from the Metropolitan Express hotel. This already poses three questions. Why did the hotel have a giant bronze statue of a gorilla? Why would someone steal it and how?
Well, the hotel is decorated with a jungle theme, including not one, but two, gorilla statues. The other one has been chained to a tree since the theft. The stolen gorilla stood beside the hotel pool, until someone pushed it into the water. It took 10 hotel workers to get it out and move it outside the pool fence. So, they were surprised when the statue disappeared. They suspected that drunks took it after a nearby bar closed at 2:30 a.m. November 24. Why? Well, the 800 pound bronze statue is worth between $5,000 and $8,000.
In early December, the statue was found about four miles from the hotel by a man walking his dog. It looked like someone had backed up a truck and dumped it into the brush. The statue slid easily across the wet leaves on the ground. With the help of ONE friend and a dolly, they delivered it to the nearby doorstep of a mutual friend. So, the 10 hotel workers who moved the gorilla initially were either lazy or weak or both.
Anyway, the mutual friend was startled when he returned home later to find a giant gorilla standing inexplicably on his doorstep. He left it standing on his porch for three weeks. Then, on Tuesday, he did a Google search for a missing bronze gorilla and found an article about the mysterious statue. It was a Christmas Miracle!
Police are not filing any charges in connection with the incident. The hotel just needs to retrieve the heavy statue. Perhaps, they will send 10 weakling staff workers to pick it up like a bunch of bumbling Keystone Cops. There is no formal reward for the return of the statue. However, the bartender at the hotel's Tiki bar did offer a free round of Christmas spirits for anyone who helped to find the wayward gorilla.
Crime Reporter
ORLANDO, FLORIDA - Where does an 800 pound gorilla statue go? Quite a few places, actually.
Just before Thanksgiving, a 4-foot-tall bronze statue of a gorilla was stolen from the Metropolitan Express hotel. This already poses three questions. Why did the hotel have a giant bronze statue of a gorilla? Why would someone steal it and how?
Well, the hotel is decorated with a jungle theme, including not one, but two, gorilla statues. The other one has been chained to a tree since the theft. The stolen gorilla stood beside the hotel pool, until someone pushed it into the water. It took 10 hotel workers to get it out and move it outside the pool fence. So, they were surprised when the statue disappeared. They suspected that drunks took it after a nearby bar closed at 2:30 a.m. November 24. Why? Well, the 800 pound bronze statue is worth between $5,000 and $8,000.
In early December, the statue was found about four miles from the hotel by a man walking his dog. It looked like someone had backed up a truck and dumped it into the brush. The statue slid easily across the wet leaves on the ground. With the help of ONE friend and a dolly, they delivered it to the nearby doorstep of a mutual friend. So, the 10 hotel workers who moved the gorilla initially were either lazy or weak or both.
Anyway, the mutual friend was startled when he returned home later to find a giant gorilla standing inexplicably on his doorstep. He left it standing on his porch for three weeks. Then, on Tuesday, he did a Google search for a missing bronze gorilla and found an article about the mysterious statue. It was a Christmas Miracle!
Police are not filing any charges in connection with the incident. The hotel just needs to retrieve the heavy statue. Perhaps, they will send 10 weakling staff workers to pick it up like a bunch of bumbling Keystone Cops. There is no formal reward for the return of the statue. However, the bartender at the hotel's Tiki bar did offer a free round of Christmas spirits for anyone who helped to find the wayward gorilla.
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
Too Big to Die
By Scoop Cooper
Crime Reporter
COLUMBUS, OHIO - A convicted murderer, who claimed to be too fat to kill, has cheated the executioner.
He was found guilty of fatally shooting a clerk during a 1983 robbery. While waiting on death row, he put on a great deal of weight. Why not? If I were going to die anyway, it'd be chocolate eclairs and bacon pizza 24/7. However, his lawyers claimed the prison food was fattening, and his back and knee problems made it difficult to exercise, especially after the exercise bike in the gymn broke under his weight.
The fat man's mouthpieces argued that he could not be humanely killed back in September, when he weighed in at 480 pounds. They feared he would crush the gurney when they rolled him out for the lethal injection. However, the warden released photos of the execution gurney supporting over 500 pounds of dumbbells. Apparently, the prison gymn has more exercise equipment than just one bike.
The legal arguments bounced off the prisoner's invulnerable armor of blubber. Prison doctors really did have a hard time finding his veins beneath the flab. If they injected the poison directly into his muscles, the execution could take several days of intense pain. Alternately, they could uncover his veins directly by cutting down through the fat in a process that sounds too grisly to explore.
The January 16, 2013 execution was finally canceled. On Monday, Governor John Kasich commuted his death sentence to life imprisonment without parole. Ironically, weight was not the issue. The governor found that in the original trial, the fat man had poor legal representation. Really? His legal team seems pretty good to me. They staved off execution for almost 30 years while their client ate his way off death row.
However, this is still a cautionary tale. Be careful what you wish for. After all, the convicted murderer put on all that weight for nothing. Dieting is hell. Now, he's trapped, with a bad back and a bad knee, in a prison with limited exercise facilities until the day he dies ... and at 53 years old and 480 pounds that won't be long.
Justice may be blind, but she has a twisted sense of humor.
Crime Reporter
COLUMBUS, OHIO - A convicted murderer, who claimed to be too fat to kill, has cheated the executioner.
He was found guilty of fatally shooting a clerk during a 1983 robbery. While waiting on death row, he put on a great deal of weight. Why not? If I were going to die anyway, it'd be chocolate eclairs and bacon pizza 24/7. However, his lawyers claimed the prison food was fattening, and his back and knee problems made it difficult to exercise, especially after the exercise bike in the gymn broke under his weight.
The fat man's mouthpieces argued that he could not be humanely killed back in September, when he weighed in at 480 pounds. They feared he would crush the gurney when they rolled him out for the lethal injection. However, the warden released photos of the execution gurney supporting over 500 pounds of dumbbells. Apparently, the prison gymn has more exercise equipment than just one bike.
The legal arguments bounced off the prisoner's invulnerable armor of blubber. Prison doctors really did have a hard time finding his veins beneath the flab. If they injected the poison directly into his muscles, the execution could take several days of intense pain. Alternately, they could uncover his veins directly by cutting down through the fat in a process that sounds too grisly to explore.
The January 16, 2013 execution was finally canceled. On Monday, Governor John Kasich commuted his death sentence to life imprisonment without parole. Ironically, weight was not the issue. The governor found that in the original trial, the fat man had poor legal representation. Really? His legal team seems pretty good to me. They staved off execution for almost 30 years while their client ate his way off death row.
However, this is still a cautionary tale. Be careful what you wish for. After all, the convicted murderer put on all that weight for nothing. Dieting is hell. Now, he's trapped, with a bad back and a bad knee, in a prison with limited exercise facilities until the day he dies ... and at 53 years old and 480 pounds that won't be long.
Justice may be blind, but she has a twisted sense of humor.
Tuesday, December 18, 2012
Guns, Guns Everywhere, but Not a Drop of Sense
By Scoop Cooper
Crime Reporter
FLORIDA - The heightened paranoia of local schools is already clashing with the gun-loving culture of this southern state.
On Monday afternoon, a very drunk grandfather was arrested after testing the security of two Port Charlotte schools. His first stop was Kingsway Elementary School. When confronted by two workers at 2 p.m., he asked if they were the "increased security" measures. They said yes. He asked if they were armed. They weren't. So, the 61-year-old trespasser asked if he could bring a gun to the school. They said no. They also kicked him out because he was drunk.
The undaunted grandpa arrived at Port Charlotte Middle School about 20 minutes later. The School Resource officer found him stumbling around the parking lot. Again, he asked if the school worker was armed and if he could bring a gun to the school. He should've asked if the resource officer was packing a cell phone. He called the Charlotte County police. The deputies found an unopened can of beer on the passenger seat of grandpa's car. They towed his car and arrested him on two counts of disrupting a school function. He has already been released on $1,000 bond.
It turns out, the 61-year-old Port Charlotte man does not even own a gun. He was moved to test the security of local schools out of concern for his grandchild's safety. In subsequent interviews, he admitted his drunken tour of inspection was a bad idea. However, he pointed out that if he had been a real gunman, the unarmed school workers who confronted him, could've done little more than absorb the first bullets he fired. Apparently, words of wisdom flow out of the mouths of drunk old rednecks as well as babes.
Meanwhile, up in Hillsborough County, Florida, a bullet was found on a school bus Monday. Three local schools were placed in lockdown. Eventually, a Wharton High School student confessed that he had found the bullet on the ground on his way to school, and it fell out of his pocket during the bus ride.
This morning, an eighth-grade student found two more bullets on the floor of a school bus in Hillsborough County. When the bus reached Greco Middle School, the students were searched one at a time by school security and Temple Terrace police officers. No firearms or additional bullets were found.
However, the same bus was also ridden by high school students in Tampa. So, the ironically named Freedom High School, was placed in lockdown. Tampa police tracked down all the students who rode the bus in question. Each student was yanked out of class, searched and questioned. This time, no additional bullets and no explanations were discovered.
Statistics could not be obtained regarding how many students have been injured by tripping over all the loose ammo rolling around the floors of Florida school buses.
Crime Reporter
FLORIDA - The heightened paranoia of local schools is already clashing with the gun-loving culture of this southern state.
On Monday afternoon, a very drunk grandfather was arrested after testing the security of two Port Charlotte schools. His first stop was Kingsway Elementary School. When confronted by two workers at 2 p.m., he asked if they were the "increased security" measures. They said yes. He asked if they were armed. They weren't. So, the 61-year-old trespasser asked if he could bring a gun to the school. They said no. They also kicked him out because he was drunk.
The undaunted grandpa arrived at Port Charlotte Middle School about 20 minutes later. The School Resource officer found him stumbling around the parking lot. Again, he asked if the school worker was armed and if he could bring a gun to the school. He should've asked if the resource officer was packing a cell phone. He called the Charlotte County police. The deputies found an unopened can of beer on the passenger seat of grandpa's car. They towed his car and arrested him on two counts of disrupting a school function. He has already been released on $1,000 bond.
It turns out, the 61-year-old Port Charlotte man does not even own a gun. He was moved to test the security of local schools out of concern for his grandchild's safety. In subsequent interviews, he admitted his drunken tour of inspection was a bad idea. However, he pointed out that if he had been a real gunman, the unarmed school workers who confronted him, could've done little more than absorb the first bullets he fired. Apparently, words of wisdom flow out of the mouths of drunk old rednecks as well as babes.
Meanwhile, up in Hillsborough County, Florida, a bullet was found on a school bus Monday. Three local schools were placed in lockdown. Eventually, a Wharton High School student confessed that he had found the bullet on the ground on his way to school, and it fell out of his pocket during the bus ride.
This morning, an eighth-grade student found two more bullets on the floor of a school bus in Hillsborough County. When the bus reached Greco Middle School, the students were searched one at a time by school security and Temple Terrace police officers. No firearms or additional bullets were found.
However, the same bus was also ridden by high school students in Tampa. So, the ironically named Freedom High School, was placed in lockdown. Tampa police tracked down all the students who rode the bus in question. Each student was yanked out of class, searched and questioned. This time, no additional bullets and no explanations were discovered.
Statistics could not be obtained regarding how many students have been injured by tripping over all the loose ammo rolling around the floors of Florida school buses.
Monday, December 17, 2012
Too Many Cooks Spoil the Shot
By Scoop Cooper
Crime Reporter
FLORIDA - Sometimes two serious headlines become crazy due to their proximity to each other. An example can be found in the Wire Section of the December 13 Englewood Sun. On page 5, one headline reads, "Fla. at 1 million with concealed weapons." The headline immediately below reads, "Police: Man fatally shot roommate over dinner."
Coincidence? Or are the editors making a subtle connection between the two stories?
Florida has already issued more permits to carry concealed weapons than any other state in the nation. The number is expected to reach 1 million sometime this week. So, any senior citizen you bump into could be packing a firearm. In Florida, there is also no legal requirement to back down from a fight. Starting trouble with ANYONE can dangerously escalate. The resulting cordiality is commonly called "Southern Hospitality."
Unfortunately, the story under the second headline demonstrates that Southern Hospitality doesn't always work in practice. Allegedly, a 55-year-old man often returned drunk to his apartment in Holly Hill and argued violently with his roommate. On December 11, he confessed to shooting his roommate twice in the head during a dispute over the best way to prepare pork chops for dinner.
Crime Reporter
FLORIDA - Sometimes two serious headlines become crazy due to their proximity to each other. An example can be found in the Wire Section of the December 13 Englewood Sun. On page 5, one headline reads, "Fla. at 1 million with concealed weapons." The headline immediately below reads, "Police: Man fatally shot roommate over dinner."
Coincidence? Or are the editors making a subtle connection between the two stories?
Florida has already issued more permits to carry concealed weapons than any other state in the nation. The number is expected to reach 1 million sometime this week. So, any senior citizen you bump into could be packing a firearm. In Florida, there is also no legal requirement to back down from a fight. Starting trouble with ANYONE can dangerously escalate. The resulting cordiality is commonly called "Southern Hospitality."
Unfortunately, the story under the second headline demonstrates that Southern Hospitality doesn't always work in practice. Allegedly, a 55-year-old man often returned drunk to his apartment in Holly Hill and argued violently with his roommate. On December 11, he confessed to shooting his roommate twice in the head during a dispute over the best way to prepare pork chops for dinner.
Monday, November 19, 2012
Go Climb a Tree
By Scoop Cooper
Crime Reporter
LAND O' LAKES, FLORIDA - An accused bike thief, who fled up a tree, is back on the ground and behind bars.
The man is accused of stealing a bicycle by pushing the rider off of it at 2 p.m. Friday. The suspect loaded the bike on his truck. When police responded to the call, the suspect fought off a deputy and climbed up a 30-foot-tall tree. Apparently, he didn't have a next move. He stayed in the tree for 11 hours. Police and news crews stood vigil around the base of the tree. After nightfall, they shined lights up into the foliage. However, the suspect remained unseen, except for the occasional movement of branches. One amused witness described the arboreal fugitive as nimble as a monkey.
The suspect finally decided he'd rather spend the night in jail than in a tree and descended to the ground at 1 a.m. Saturday morning. The bald, 37-year-old Pasco County resident was arrested and charged with robbery, battery on a police officer and resisting arrest. He is being held in the Land O' Lakes Detention Center.
Gee, the Mystery Monkey of Tampa Bay held out longer than this guy. (sigh) I still miss Cornelius.
Crime Reporter
LAND O' LAKES, FLORIDA - An accused bike thief, who fled up a tree, is back on the ground and behind bars.
The man is accused of stealing a bicycle by pushing the rider off of it at 2 p.m. Friday. The suspect loaded the bike on his truck. When police responded to the call, the suspect fought off a deputy and climbed up a 30-foot-tall tree. Apparently, he didn't have a next move. He stayed in the tree for 11 hours. Police and news crews stood vigil around the base of the tree. After nightfall, they shined lights up into the foliage. However, the suspect remained unseen, except for the occasional movement of branches. One amused witness described the arboreal fugitive as nimble as a monkey.
The suspect finally decided he'd rather spend the night in jail than in a tree and descended to the ground at 1 a.m. Saturday morning. The bald, 37-year-old Pasco County resident was arrested and charged with robbery, battery on a police officer and resisting arrest. He is being held in the Land O' Lakes Detention Center.
Gee, the Mystery Monkey of Tampa Bay held out longer than this guy. (sigh) I still miss Cornelius.
Monday, November 12, 2012
Will Steal for Tips
By Scoop Cooper
Crime Reporter
WEST HARTFORD, CONNECTICUT - The economy must be pretty bad when thieves start to steal jobs.
On Friday night, a delivery driver left his car idling while he ran inside Bristow Middle School to deliver some Chinese food. He emerged to find his car had been stolen. He called the Chinese restaurant to tell his boss. The restaurant called the three remaining customers to inform them that their orders had been stolen with the delivery vehicle.
That's when the crime took a strange turn.
One customer reported that their stolen food had just been delivered. The restaurant gave police the addresses of the remaining two deliveries. Sure enough, police arrested the suspect while making a second delivery of the stolen food with the stolen vehicle. The car thief was pocketing payment for the deliveries, and, hopefully, the customers were counting their change.
Police allege that the suspect was also arrested in possession of a crack pipe, a joint and a paper bag full of a prescription anti-psychotic drug. So, let's see now ... altogether, the suspect is being charged with possession of drug paraphernalia, possession of less than a half ounce of marijuana, failure to keep prescription drugs in their original container and, oh yeah, third degree larceny of the car. The busy boy cannot be accused with a lack of ambition.
Let this be a cautionary tale for anyone who doesn't feel like getting out of bed in the morning. You'd better report for work every day, or you just might find someone has stolen your job.
Crime Reporter
WEST HARTFORD, CONNECTICUT - The economy must be pretty bad when thieves start to steal jobs.
On Friday night, a delivery driver left his car idling while he ran inside Bristow Middle School to deliver some Chinese food. He emerged to find his car had been stolen. He called the Chinese restaurant to tell his boss. The restaurant called the three remaining customers to inform them that their orders had been stolen with the delivery vehicle.
That's when the crime took a strange turn.
One customer reported that their stolen food had just been delivered. The restaurant gave police the addresses of the remaining two deliveries. Sure enough, police arrested the suspect while making a second delivery of the stolen food with the stolen vehicle. The car thief was pocketing payment for the deliveries, and, hopefully, the customers were counting their change.
Police allege that the suspect was also arrested in possession of a crack pipe, a joint and a paper bag full of a prescription anti-psychotic drug. So, let's see now ... altogether, the suspect is being charged with possession of drug paraphernalia, possession of less than a half ounce of marijuana, failure to keep prescription drugs in their original container and, oh yeah, third degree larceny of the car. The busy boy cannot be accused with a lack of ambition.
Let this be a cautionary tale for anyone who doesn't feel like getting out of bed in the morning. You'd better report for work every day, or you just might find someone has stolen your job.
Thursday, November 8, 2012
The Over-the-Hill Gang
By Scoop Cooper
Crime Reporter
PORT CHARLOTTE, FLORIDA - We all get older, even criminals.
Like salmon swimming upstream to die, elderly Americans seem compelled to retire to Florida. My little corner of paradise is known as God's Waiting Room. Since Republicans outnumber Democrats by two to one, SW Florida should be called The Elephants Graveyard, but that's just my opinion.
The median average age in Charlotte County is actually 56. So, a lot of the criminals are starting to show their age. The long arm of the law caught up with two of these doddering outlaws last weekend, while the rest of the nation was obsessing over the election.
On Nov. 1, a bald man with a gray goatee entered the SunTrust Bank in Port Charlotte. Without brandishing a weapon, he coerced an undisclosed amount of cash from a teller. Then, the suspect fled the scene. I know you're picturing a getaway car spraying gravel into the air with squealing tires, but no. Remember, this is SW Florida, where the pace is more laid back. The aging bank robber made his slow-motion escape on a small electric scooter. Don't laugh. He got away! Despite a dragnet with police dogs and a helicopter, all they found was the bank robber's discarded jacket and abandoned scooter.
Never fear! The Florida police always catch their man! The chase finally ended last Sunday. The authorities caught up with their prey at ... Tampa General Hospital. The 51-year-old suspect was being treated for a previous medical condition. I guess life in the fast lane caught up with him. The ailing bank robber was arrested and placed under guard at Tampa General Hospital. He will be officially charged with two robberies when he is returned to Charlotte County, health permitting.
The elderly crime wave continued on Saturday night. Police saw two women in a truck drive away from a reputed drug den in Punta Gorda. A deputy pulled them over for a routine "traffic stop." The 25-year-old driver was merely arrested for driving with a suspended license. However, when the 49-year-old passenger was ordered to step out of the vehicle, she allegedly threw a syringe on the ground. This aroused the suspicion of the highly trained deputy. He allegedly found a crack pipe and a piece of crack in her purse. Now in full sleuth mode, the deputy observed that his tight-lipped prisoner was fussing with something in her mouth. Allegedly, she removed her dentures to reveal three more large crack rocks. That must've wiped the smile off her face, in more ways than one. The 49-year-old-would-be-smuggler was charged with possession of cocaine and drug paraphernalia and released on $3,500 bail.
I think I speak for everyone in God's Waiting Room when I say, "We are getting too old for this nonsense."
If you enjoyed this story, please use the buttons below to email it, share, tweet, squawk and quack it to all your friends. Thanks!
Crime Reporter
PORT CHARLOTTE, FLORIDA - We all get older, even criminals.
Like salmon swimming upstream to die, elderly Americans seem compelled to retire to Florida. My little corner of paradise is known as God's Waiting Room. Since Republicans outnumber Democrats by two to one, SW Florida should be called The Elephants Graveyard, but that's just my opinion.
The median average age in Charlotte County is actually 56. So, a lot of the criminals are starting to show their age. The long arm of the law caught up with two of these doddering outlaws last weekend, while the rest of the nation was obsessing over the election.
On Nov. 1, a bald man with a gray goatee entered the SunTrust Bank in Port Charlotte. Without brandishing a weapon, he coerced an undisclosed amount of cash from a teller. Then, the suspect fled the scene. I know you're picturing a getaway car spraying gravel into the air with squealing tires, but no. Remember, this is SW Florida, where the pace is more laid back. The aging bank robber made his slow-motion escape on a small electric scooter. Don't laugh. He got away! Despite a dragnet with police dogs and a helicopter, all they found was the bank robber's discarded jacket and abandoned scooter.
Never fear! The Florida police always catch their man! The chase finally ended last Sunday. The authorities caught up with their prey at ... Tampa General Hospital. The 51-year-old suspect was being treated for a previous medical condition. I guess life in the fast lane caught up with him. The ailing bank robber was arrested and placed under guard at Tampa General Hospital. He will be officially charged with two robberies when he is returned to Charlotte County, health permitting.
The elderly crime wave continued on Saturday night. Police saw two women in a truck drive away from a reputed drug den in Punta Gorda. A deputy pulled them over for a routine "traffic stop." The 25-year-old driver was merely arrested for driving with a suspended license. However, when the 49-year-old passenger was ordered to step out of the vehicle, she allegedly threw a syringe on the ground. This aroused the suspicion of the highly trained deputy. He allegedly found a crack pipe and a piece of crack in her purse. Now in full sleuth mode, the deputy observed that his tight-lipped prisoner was fussing with something in her mouth. Allegedly, she removed her dentures to reveal three more large crack rocks. That must've wiped the smile off her face, in more ways than one. The 49-year-old-would-be-smuggler was charged with possession of cocaine and drug paraphernalia and released on $3,500 bail.
I think I speak for everyone in God's Waiting Room when I say, "We are getting too old for this nonsense."
If you enjoyed this story, please use the buttons below to email it, share, tweet, squawk and quack it to all your friends. Thanks!
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