Guns, Guns Everywhere, but Not a Drop of Sense

By Scoop Cooper
Crime Reporter
FLORIDA - The heightened paranoia of local schools is already clashing with the gun-loving culture of this southern state.
     On Monday afternoon, a very drunk grandfather was arrested after testing the security of two Port Charlotte schools.  His first stop was Kingsway Elementary School.  When confronted by two workers at 2 p.m., he asked if they were the "increased security" measures.  They said yes. He asked if they were armed.  They weren't.  So, the 61-year-old trespasser asked if he could bring a gun to the school.  They said no.  They also kicked him out because he was drunk.
     The undaunted grandpa arrived at Port Charlotte Middle School about 20 minutes later.  The School Resource officer found him stumbling around the parking lot.  Again, he asked if the school worker was armed and if he could bring a gun to the school.  He should've asked if the resource officer was packing a cell phone.  He called the Charlotte County police.  The deputies found an unopened can of beer on the passenger seat of grandpa's car.  They towed his car and arrested him on two counts of disrupting a school function.  He has already been released on $1,000 bond.
     It turns out, the 61-year-old Port Charlotte man does not even own a gun.  He was moved to test the security of local schools out of concern for his grandchild's safety.  In subsequent interviews, he admitted his drunken tour of inspection was a bad idea.  However, he pointed out that if he had been a real gunman, the unarmed school workers who confronted him, could've done little more than absorb the first bullets he fired. Apparently, words of wisdom flow out of the mouths of drunk old rednecks as well as babes.
     Meanwhile, up in Hillsborough County, Florida, a bullet was found on a school bus Monday.  Three local schools were placed in lockdown.  Eventually, a Wharton High School student confessed that he had found the bullet on the ground on his way to school, and it fell out of his pocket during the bus ride.
      This morning, an eighth-grade student found two more bullets on the floor of a school bus in Hillsborough County.  When the bus reached Greco Middle School, the students were searched one at a time by school security and Temple Terrace police officers.  No firearms or additional bullets were found.
      However, the same bus was also ridden by high school students in Tampa.  So, the ironically named Freedom High School, was placed in lockdown.  Tampa police tracked down all the students who rode the bus in question.  Each student was yanked out of class, searched and questioned.  This time, no additional bullets and no explanations were discovered.
      Statistics could not be obtained regarding how many students have been injured by tripping over all the loose ammo rolling around the floors of Florida school buses.