By Scoop Cooper
Crime Reporter
Floridians welcomed the New Year by randomly shooting a small boy and a little old lady. Both people made the mistake of watching public fireworks displays without wearing helmets. The 8-year-old boy was hit in the right foot just before midnight Tuesday in Jacksonville. The 67-year-old woman was shot in the wrist in St. Petersburg. They were hit by celebratory gunfire as the bullets rained back to Earth on New Year's Eve.
Celebratory gunfire is the time honored American tradition of expressing excitement by shooting a gun into the air, usually while shouting "Yee Haw!" Bullets are small. The country is big. What are the odds that someone will be hit? Apparently, the chances are getting pretty good in Florida, where one in 20 people are licensed to carry concealed firearms. This leads the nation with over one million permits for people to sneak around the state with guns. It doesn't even include all the people with rifles and shotguns stored and displayed in their homes and vehicles. Florida doesn't even keep track of them.
Everyone shot on New Year's Eve in Florida wasn't hit by friendly fire. Sgt. Larry Gleockler was patroling in Arcadia when he saw two trespassers in Oak Ridge Cemetery. After calling backup, the 33-year-old officer approached the two youths. One looked pale, thin and about 6-foot-six-inches tall. Gleockler described the other youth as a foot shorter and having a "darker complexion." The youths split-up and fled. In a shocking break with southern tradition, Gleockler pursued the white suspect.
Brandishing his electric Taser, Gleockler cornered the suspect against a headstone and a tree. The youth turned to surrender with one hand raised overhead. In his other hand, he carried a gun and shot Gleockler in the chest. An 11-year veteran of the Arcadia Police Department, Gleockler knew enough to wear his bulletproof vest on New Year's Eve. It deflected the slug from his heart.
Finally seized by the holiday spirit, Gleockler dropped his wimpy Taser, drew his sidearm and returned fire with real bullets, like a red-blooded America! His attacker fell to the ground. Then he got up and ran away. So, I'm thinking the youth was wearing a bulletproof vest too. After all, it was New Year's Eve. You see? If everyone takes basic precautions, no one gets hurt. Well, not seriously hurt. Gleockler was grazed in the shoulder and needed seven stitches.
Florida authorities take a dim view of shooting police officers, even on New Year's Eve. The Desoto and Sarasota county sheriffs scoured the area all night with deputies, dogs and even a helicopter in a flashy display of tax dollars. When no one was captured, they offered a reward for information on the case.
That's that.
Now, if these three Americans had been shot by foreign terrorists, we'd already be bombing their home country, plus Iraq. However, we take domestic violence in stride. We accept an ambient level of danger because we live in a free country. Winging a cop, a boy and a little old lady is a small price to pay for our civil liberties. Cowards who want to live in safe slavery can get out of our country (if they can scale that big wall we just built). We should be willing to face the same dangers that our forefathers did when they fought and died to protect our rights. When the greatest generation stormed Omaha Beach, the GIs said:
"We've got to destroy that bunker! If the Nazis push us back, they could win the war and force affordable health insurance on future generations!"
"Over my dead body, sarge!"
BOOM! BANG! RAT-A-TAT-TAT
"OK, then we have to charge up this hill! A lot of us won't make it! Those new fangled German assault rifles really throw a lot of lead! They're darn good guns! I want my grandchildren to buy them without any background checks or long waiting lists ... Aaargh!"
"NO! The krauts shot, sarge! Let's go! Do it for sarge, and for slightly lower taxes someday! Charge!"
Those might not have been their exact words, but I'm sure that was the American spirit on D-Day.
Showing posts with label commentary. Show all posts
Showing posts with label commentary. Show all posts
Friday, January 4, 2013
Thursday, November 29, 2012
No Sign of Birds
By Rainbow Starr
Environmental Reporter
PUNTA GORDA, FLORIDA - Part time residents of this area are called snowbirds. They live most of the year further North. They flock to SW Florida to escape the snow between Halloween and Easter.
The same is true for many actual birds in this area. They don't migrate through Florida in the spring and fall. This is actually their final destination. These birds are said to "winter over" until they fly North again in the spring. My recent sightings of several new ducks encouraged me to go bird watching again on Thursday afternoon. This time I ventured further inland. I spent several hours trooping around the trails at the Charlotte Harbor Environmental Center. Affectionately referred to as CHEC, it is a non-profit, private wildlife refuge at 10941 Burnt Store Road. It sits in the protected area around Charlotte Harbor that is likely to flood if the waters rise. So, I figured I should explore the place before global warming goes too far.
This was only my second visit to CHEC, and it may well be my last. Not only did I see few birds, for most of my hike, I didn't even HEAR any birds. Except for the rustling of leaves and branches in the wind, everything was completely silent. I felt like I was bird watching after the apocalypse.
I'm not saying there was no wildlife at the CHEC. During the first hour, I jumped out of my skin when a big black racer snake slithered noisily into the dry underbrush. During the second hour, my hiking companion almost stepped on a glass lizard. That legless green reptile looks just like a snake. It gets its name from the ability to snap off its tail to befuddle a predator. As the tail flaps by reflex in the jaws of an attacker, the main body of the glass lizard can slither away. I swear, the lizard actually sacrifices most of its body so the remainder can escape. This seems like a wasteful survival tactic to me. It is only surpassed by the local poisonous tree frogs. Any predator that swallows one of them dies with convulsions about 24 hours later. How does that help the frog? Their natural defense is to leave a bad aftertaste.
As a newly minted graduate of the Florida Master Naturalist Program, my fellow hiker found more to interest her at CHEC than I did. While I futilely scanned overhead for birds, she found mushrooms, moss, grass, coffee plants and exotic flowers one the ground. Many of these things were conveniently labeled by small signs and plaques by the side of the trails. We grew spoiled. When we found a sign about bald eagles, we were disappointed there wasn't one perched right behind it.
Some of the other signs at CHEC were less helpful and more puzzling.
This sign seemed to suggest that the hawk eats the sun to complete the circle of life.
Small white arrows helped us follow the hiking trails at CHEC. At one point, even these simple arrows seemed to lead us astray. The hiker in the photo below was justifiably confused about which sign to believe.
Seriously, why would the trail lead hikers into the jaws of alligators?
The trail blazers at CHEC employed the process of elimination with some of their signs. It may have been a bit overgrown, but that was definitely a trail beside this sign. I wasn't sure what to make of it. Were they hiding something down there? They may as well have posted a sign reading, "Turn back! There's nothing to see here! Move along!"
Many plaques and statues in Florida are just monuments to the people who paid for them. They do nothing to educate tourists. They are just covered with the names of the donors and fundraisers. On some of the wooden bridges and boardwalks at CHEC, every single timber is etched with the names and sentiments of contributors.
I didn't know Mr. Derrick. Unless he was a dried up, dead twig, this plaque doesn't do him justice.
Our futile hike ended at the CHEC observation blind. We quietly entered the back of the shack and sat at a large window overlooking a bunch of bird baths, bird houses and bird feeders. I felt like the witness of a crime sitting behind a one-way mirror on CSI. Unfortunately, the bird feeders were empty of seed as well as birds. At least we saw some vultures, herons and a bald eagle flying above the treetops. However, those are pretty easy to see anywhere in SW Florida.
Eventually, a solitary palm warbler arrived at the blind (one of the most abundant birds in SW Florida). He perched on a low branch and nervously looked around for about 10 minutes before dropping down to take a sip of water. When I stood to get a better view, the warbler flew away. Suspiciously, I walked around the front of the "observation blind." Sure enough, the birds could see us inside as clear as day. I don't think CHEC understands what "observation blind" really means.
We were leaving CHEC in abject defeat when we came upon a gopher tortoise munching on some grass. He was standing in the middle of some fire ant mounds. So, I have to salute the turtle's resolve even as I question his judgment. We also saw a large gator laying beside a pond near the visitor center.
The sun was literally setting as we walked to the parking lot. Of course, that's when CHEC sprang to life! We finally saw a red-shoulder hawk perched in the distance and a great horned owl, perched low beside the entry road. We even scared off a big, black wild pig that was rummaging around the CHEC administrative buildings. We saw more wildlife in the last five minutes of our hike than in the first three hours.
The forest was beautiful and the weather couldn't have been nicer. However, as a bird watching destination, the CHEC is a great place to see reptiles.
Environmental Reporter
PUNTA GORDA, FLORIDA - Part time residents of this area are called snowbirds. They live most of the year further North. They flock to SW Florida to escape the snow between Halloween and Easter.
The same is true for many actual birds in this area. They don't migrate through Florida in the spring and fall. This is actually their final destination. These birds are said to "winter over" until they fly North again in the spring. My recent sightings of several new ducks encouraged me to go bird watching again on Thursday afternoon. This time I ventured further inland. I spent several hours trooping around the trails at the Charlotte Harbor Environmental Center. Affectionately referred to as CHEC, it is a non-profit, private wildlife refuge at 10941 Burnt Store Road. It sits in the protected area around Charlotte Harbor that is likely to flood if the waters rise. So, I figured I should explore the place before global warming goes too far.
This was only my second visit to CHEC, and it may well be my last. Not only did I see few birds, for most of my hike, I didn't even HEAR any birds. Except for the rustling of leaves and branches in the wind, everything was completely silent. I felt like I was bird watching after the apocalypse.
I'm not saying there was no wildlife at the CHEC. During the first hour, I jumped out of my skin when a big black racer snake slithered noisily into the dry underbrush. During the second hour, my hiking companion almost stepped on a glass lizard. That legless green reptile looks just like a snake. It gets its name from the ability to snap off its tail to befuddle a predator. As the tail flaps by reflex in the jaws of an attacker, the main body of the glass lizard can slither away. I swear, the lizard actually sacrifices most of its body so the remainder can escape. This seems like a wasteful survival tactic to me. It is only surpassed by the local poisonous tree frogs. Any predator that swallows one of them dies with convulsions about 24 hours later. How does that help the frog? Their natural defense is to leave a bad aftertaste.
As a newly minted graduate of the Florida Master Naturalist Program, my fellow hiker found more to interest her at CHEC than I did. While I futilely scanned overhead for birds, she found mushrooms, moss, grass, coffee plants and exotic flowers one the ground. Many of these things were conveniently labeled by small signs and plaques by the side of the trails. We grew spoiled. When we found a sign about bald eagles, we were disappointed there wasn't one perched right behind it.
Some of the other signs at CHEC were less helpful and more puzzling.
This sign seemed to suggest that the hawk eats the sun to complete the circle of life.
Small white arrows helped us follow the hiking trails at CHEC. At one point, even these simple arrows seemed to lead us astray. The hiker in the photo below was justifiably confused about which sign to believe.
Many plaques and statues in Florida are just monuments to the people who paid for them. They do nothing to educate tourists. They are just covered with the names of the donors and fundraisers. On some of the wooden bridges and boardwalks at CHEC, every single timber is etched with the names and sentiments of contributors.
Our futile hike ended at the CHEC observation blind. We quietly entered the back of the shack and sat at a large window overlooking a bunch of bird baths, bird houses and bird feeders. I felt like the witness of a crime sitting behind a one-way mirror on CSI. Unfortunately, the bird feeders were empty of seed as well as birds. At least we saw some vultures, herons and a bald eagle flying above the treetops. However, those are pretty easy to see anywhere in SW Florida.
Eventually, a solitary palm warbler arrived at the blind (one of the most abundant birds in SW Florida). He perched on a low branch and nervously looked around for about 10 minutes before dropping down to take a sip of water. When I stood to get a better view, the warbler flew away. Suspiciously, I walked around the front of the "observation blind." Sure enough, the birds could see us inside as clear as day. I don't think CHEC understands what "observation blind" really means.
We were leaving CHEC in abject defeat when we came upon a gopher tortoise munching on some grass. He was standing in the middle of some fire ant mounds. So, I have to salute the turtle's resolve even as I question his judgment. We also saw a large gator laying beside a pond near the visitor center.
The sun was literally setting as we walked to the parking lot. Of course, that's when CHEC sprang to life! We finally saw a red-shoulder hawk perched in the distance and a great horned owl, perched low beside the entry road. We even scared off a big, black wild pig that was rummaging around the CHEC administrative buildings. We saw more wildlife in the last five minutes of our hike than in the first three hours.
The forest was beautiful and the weather couldn't have been nicer. However, as a bird watching destination, the CHEC is a great place to see reptiles.
Thursday, October 25, 2012
A Fool and His Money
By Mark Lucas
News Editor
This crazy presidential campaign has been interrupted by a voice of reason. The breath of fresh air comes from New York developer and Hair Club for Men model Donald Trump. On Wednesday, he offered to give $5 million to charity if Democratic President and confessed pothead Barack Obama would release his college records and passport paperwork.
Why?
The Donald said the move would make Obama more transparent. Despite four years of constant and intense scrutiny by the world media, apparently the President of the United States of America remains a mystery. If elected to a second term, who knows what Obama might do ... even though he has already had the opportunity to do it.
Similar concerns were raised during the presidential campaign in 2008. Republicans accused Obama of being a foreign-born Muslim with alien ideas. One commercial seemed to suggest that if Obama were elected, the people of the United States would be attacked by a pack of wolves.
Well, it's four years later. I don't see mosques everywhere, Korans being read in public schools or senior citizens being ripped to pieces by wolves. In fact, it's pretty much been business as usual. The Great Recession was averted, the Iraq occupation is over, Osama Bin Laden is dead and millions of additional Americans have medical insurance. OH! THE HORROR OF IT ALL!
So, if Obama releases this additional paperwork, what new fact does Trump hope to reveal about the president? Perhaps, Obama is described as a Muslim or an immigrant on some obscur document. That doesn't matter to the law. The birth certificate is what counts. Obama might have lied deliberately in college to gain admission or win a scholarship. Perhaps a weary bureaucrat just checked the wrong box by mistake. It doesn't matter to the voters. Obama has already passed the test of character and earned the public trust. He's not an unknown commodity anymore. Romney is.
So, why is Trump offering $5 million for Obama's paperwork? Maybe he's coming down with the same crazy billionaire's disease that afflicted Howard Hughes. It's easy to lose grip of reality when you are rich enough to say and do whatever you want without contradiction by your inner circle.
I hope that Obama produces the documents. Since he gets to name the charity, he can really get Trump's goat by making him donate the $5 million to the Democratic National Committee or ACORN. How about the American Civil Liberties Union? No, wait! The Better Business Bureau! YES! That would stick in the Donald's craw!
News Editor
This crazy presidential campaign has been interrupted by a voice of reason. The breath of fresh air comes from New York developer and Hair Club for Men model Donald Trump. On Wednesday, he offered to give $5 million to charity if Democratic President and confessed pothead Barack Obama would release his college records and passport paperwork.
Why?
The Donald said the move would make Obama more transparent. Despite four years of constant and intense scrutiny by the world media, apparently the President of the United States of America remains a mystery. If elected to a second term, who knows what Obama might do ... even though he has already had the opportunity to do it.
Similar concerns were raised during the presidential campaign in 2008. Republicans accused Obama of being a foreign-born Muslim with alien ideas. One commercial seemed to suggest that if Obama were elected, the people of the United States would be attacked by a pack of wolves.
Well, it's four years later. I don't see mosques everywhere, Korans being read in public schools or senior citizens being ripped to pieces by wolves. In fact, it's pretty much been business as usual. The Great Recession was averted, the Iraq occupation is over, Osama Bin Laden is dead and millions of additional Americans have medical insurance. OH! THE HORROR OF IT ALL!
So, if Obama releases this additional paperwork, what new fact does Trump hope to reveal about the president? Perhaps, Obama is described as a Muslim or an immigrant on some obscur document. That doesn't matter to the law. The birth certificate is what counts. Obama might have lied deliberately in college to gain admission or win a scholarship. Perhaps a weary bureaucrat just checked the wrong box by mistake. It doesn't matter to the voters. Obama has already passed the test of character and earned the public trust. He's not an unknown commodity anymore. Romney is.
So, why is Trump offering $5 million for Obama's paperwork? Maybe he's coming down with the same crazy billionaire's disease that afflicted Howard Hughes. It's easy to lose grip of reality when you are rich enough to say and do whatever you want without contradiction by your inner circle.
I hope that Obama produces the documents. Since he gets to name the charity, he can really get Trump's goat by making him donate the $5 million to the Democratic National Committee or ACORN. How about the American Civil Liberties Union? No, wait! The Better Business Bureau! YES! That would stick in the Donald's craw!
Friday, October 12, 2012
A Laughable Debate
By Mark Lucas
News Editor
DANVILLE, KENTUCKY - Vice President Joe Biden laughed his slick opponent right off the stage at Thursday night's debate.
The event didn't seem to follow the script prepared by Republican US Congressman and snake oil salesman Paul Ryan. At times, Ryan spouted lines that were clearly rehearsed, but out of touch with what was happening. He tried to silence Biden with a reference to the recent loss of the Democratic campaign's substantial lead.
"I know you're under duress," Ryan said, implying that Biden was under pressure to perform..
Actually, Biden, known as a veteran "Happy Warrior" of national politics spent much of the debate smiling and laughing at Ryan's claims. Showing both candidates simultaneously on the TV screen accentuated Biden's reactions to his poor opponent. As Ryan spoke, Biden hovered over his shoulder looking like his conscience or a translator for the hearing impaired. Biden continually shook his head and corrected Ryan's lies.
Early in the debate, Biden described Ryan's statements as just a bunch of "stuff," barely refraining from the use of a more profane word. When the moderator pressed Biden to explain what he meant by "stuff." Ryan insulted himself by translating that Biden viewed the Republican positions as a bunch of "malarkey."
Ryan bragged that his muppet hating running mate, Mitt Romney, worked with Democrats while serving as the Republican governor of Massachusetts. Biden pointed out that Romney is so unpopular in Massachusetts that he is not even bothering to campaign there now.
Eventually, Biden began talking over Ryan's sales pitches. At one point, Biden actually dismissed Ryan with a wave of his hand and said, "Blah, blah, blah."
Ryan accused the Democrats of trying to scare voters because they couldn't campaign on their record. Biden fell back on a political career which is longer and more distinguished than all of the other presidential and vice presidential candidates combined. In his most effective moments, Biden took his argument directly to the viewers, instead of his opponent or the moderator.
"Folks, follow your instincts on this one," Biden said, looking into the camera on several occasions. "Their ideas are old, and their ideas are bad ... Who do you trust on this? ... My record stands for itself."
Even in his closing statement, Biden sought to reassure, rather than frighten, the audience. He vowed the administration of Democratic President and Kenyan expatriate Barack Obama would oppose any Republican plans to allow private businesses to take over Social Security or Medicare.
"It's going to be OK. That's what this election is all about," Biden concluded.
Immediately after the vice presidential debate, the hired pundits of the conservative-owned media took to the airwaves to tell the viewers what they had just seen with their own eyes. Even they couldn't sell the idea of a Republican victory to the public this time. However, since Ryan was able to walk off the stage under his own power, the commentators did declare the vice presidential debate a tie.
News Editor
DANVILLE, KENTUCKY - Vice President Joe Biden laughed his slick opponent right off the stage at Thursday night's debate.
The event didn't seem to follow the script prepared by Republican US Congressman and snake oil salesman Paul Ryan. At times, Ryan spouted lines that were clearly rehearsed, but out of touch with what was happening. He tried to silence Biden with a reference to the recent loss of the Democratic campaign's substantial lead.
"I know you're under duress," Ryan said, implying that Biden was under pressure to perform..
Actually, Biden, known as a veteran "Happy Warrior" of national politics spent much of the debate smiling and laughing at Ryan's claims. Showing both candidates simultaneously on the TV screen accentuated Biden's reactions to his poor opponent. As Ryan spoke, Biden hovered over his shoulder looking like his conscience or a translator for the hearing impaired. Biden continually shook his head and corrected Ryan's lies.
Early in the debate, Biden described Ryan's statements as just a bunch of "stuff," barely refraining from the use of a more profane word. When the moderator pressed Biden to explain what he meant by "stuff." Ryan insulted himself by translating that Biden viewed the Republican positions as a bunch of "malarkey."
Ryan bragged that his muppet hating running mate, Mitt Romney, worked with Democrats while serving as the Republican governor of Massachusetts. Biden pointed out that Romney is so unpopular in Massachusetts that he is not even bothering to campaign there now.
Eventually, Biden began talking over Ryan's sales pitches. At one point, Biden actually dismissed Ryan with a wave of his hand and said, "Blah, blah, blah."
Ryan accused the Democrats of trying to scare voters because they couldn't campaign on their record. Biden fell back on a political career which is longer and more distinguished than all of the other presidential and vice presidential candidates combined. In his most effective moments, Biden took his argument directly to the viewers, instead of his opponent or the moderator.
"Folks, follow your instincts on this one," Biden said, looking into the camera on several occasions. "Their ideas are old, and their ideas are bad ... Who do you trust on this? ... My record stands for itself."
Even in his closing statement, Biden sought to reassure, rather than frighten, the audience. He vowed the administration of Democratic President and Kenyan expatriate Barack Obama would oppose any Republican plans to allow private businesses to take over Social Security or Medicare.
"It's going to be OK. That's what this election is all about," Biden concluded.
Immediately after the vice presidential debate, the hired pundits of the conservative-owned media took to the airwaves to tell the viewers what they had just seen with their own eyes. Even they couldn't sell the idea of a Republican victory to the public this time. However, since Ryan was able to walk off the stage under his own power, the commentators did declare the vice presidential debate a tie.
Monday, October 1, 2012
People Caught by Squirrel Traps
By Rainbow Starr
Environmental Reporter
VENICE GARDENS, FLORIDA - A local man caught more than he bargained for when he set traps for the squirrels that were eating his mangoes.
About a half dozen neighbors protested against the traps on Friday. They alleged that the traps break squirrel tails and the trapper drowns the squirrels. The trapper said he only shot one squirrel and threw the carcass in a nearby canal. Mostly, he relocates the squirrels safely to another parcel of his land. An experienced hunter, he said this practice is approved by the state Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission.
The trapper also set camouflaged motion-activated cameras in his mango tree. He said they captured photos of neighbors trespassing on his property to free squirrels from his traps. On Friday, neighbors complained that the trapper was depleting wildlife in their neighborhood, which is a designated bird sanctuary. They gave written complaints to a Sarasota County Animal Services officer. The officer said she did not detect any legal violations and would pass the buck up to the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission.
As an experienced hunter, the trapper should've realized that planting mango trees created a new ecosystem that started an extensive food chain. The mangoes attracted squirrels. The squirrels attracted squirrel traps. The squirrel traps attracted animal lovers. The animal lovers attracted the County Animal Services Officer. And now, the county officer will attract the state Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission. Next comes a US Forest Ranger, and then the United Nations World Health Organization.
Isn't it beautiful, how everyone on Mother Earth is connected by a worldwide web of life and government bureaucracies?
Thursday, September 27, 2012
More Swag Than Swagger
By Ralph Zenith
Business Reporter
ENGLEWOOD, FLORIDA - A local bank gave me a gift for opening a new account on Wednesday. It was a coffee mug wrapped in floral gift paper and stuffed with free goodies! I couldn't wait to get home and take an inventory of my loot. Inside the mug stood two dark blue fake flowers. I gave them to my sister. The mug also contained a small, chalky breath mint and a handful of mint Lifesavers. I don't like mint flavor. So, I poured them into my sister's living room candy jar. I considered it a token repayment for all of the caramel bull's-eyes I've scoffed down over the years. (love those!)
The coffee mug, and everything else in it, was branded with the bank logo for free advertising. I don't blame them. I can't wait to order similar swag for promoting Silly News. There was a small bottle of hand sanitizer. Every time I get a gift basket of swag, it includes hand sanitizer. Either I look like I just climbed out of a cesspool or businesses don't think very highly of the great unwashed masses in general! Anyway, I hear kids are getting high on hand sanitizer these days. So, it had some potential value.
The mug also contained lip balm. I don't have much need for lip balm in the sultry state of Florida. My favorite piece of swag was a heavy-duty letter opener that doubles as a 6-inch ruler. Neat! Finally, there was a small foam football. I guess I'm supposed to squeeze it in the palm of my hand to relieve stress.
All right. Let's sum up! According to the cornucopia of swag from my bank, I am a stressed out, coffee drinker with chapped lips, dirty hands and bad breath ...
Lucky guess.
Business Reporter
ENGLEWOOD, FLORIDA - A local bank gave me a gift for opening a new account on Wednesday. It was a coffee mug wrapped in floral gift paper and stuffed with free goodies! I couldn't wait to get home and take an inventory of my loot. Inside the mug stood two dark blue fake flowers. I gave them to my sister. The mug also contained a small, chalky breath mint and a handful of mint Lifesavers. I don't like mint flavor. So, I poured them into my sister's living room candy jar. I considered it a token repayment for all of the caramel bull's-eyes I've scoffed down over the years. (love those!)
The coffee mug, and everything else in it, was branded with the bank logo for free advertising. I don't blame them. I can't wait to order similar swag for promoting Silly News. There was a small bottle of hand sanitizer. Every time I get a gift basket of swag, it includes hand sanitizer. Either I look like I just climbed out of a cesspool or businesses don't think very highly of the great unwashed masses in general! Anyway, I hear kids are getting high on hand sanitizer these days. So, it had some potential value.
The mug also contained lip balm. I don't have much need for lip balm in the sultry state of Florida. My favorite piece of swag was a heavy-duty letter opener that doubles as a 6-inch ruler. Neat! Finally, there was a small foam football. I guess I'm supposed to squeeze it in the palm of my hand to relieve stress.
All right. Let's sum up! According to the cornucopia of swag from my bank, I am a stressed out, coffee drinker with chapped lips, dirty hands and bad breath ...
Lucky guess.
Sunday, September 23, 2012
National People Week
By Ralph Zenith
Business Reporter
ENGLEWOOD, FLORIDA - No business wants to alienate potential customers, but this sign at the corner of Beach Road and Rt. 776 seemed excessively vague. Apparently, McDonald's was not grateful to other primates, lower animals and alien races. However, I'm a person, and I didn't want to miss any special deals. So, I inquired about the mysterious sign inside.
The explanation was surprisingly simple. During the past week, McDonald's showed its appreciation to its many hard-working employees with some minor gifts. For example, the families of employees could eat at a discount. This Englewood McDonald's also posted baby pictures of its employees on a bulletin board and asked customers to guess their identities. When the names were revealed, some workers were razzed for their cute appearance as infants. Others were embarrassed to have their true ages hinted at by their old fashioned baby clothing and obsolete photographs. The youngest teenage workers posted digital baby pictures. The older employees had to display primitive black & white images taken by an ancient form of instant photography called ... a Polaroid.
They shouldn't feel bad. I'm so old, my baby pictures are chiseled on stone tablets beside mummies and pharoahs! :-)
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