By Ralph Zenith
Business Reporter
ENGLEWOOD, FLORIDA - The hardware department at Big Lots discount store has been desecrated!
Dark blue jogging suits and Snuggies and have been inexplicably displayed right next to the hammers and saws. And that's not even the worse part. There are also bras for sale there. Not the type that a yuppie uses to protect the grill of his sportscar. There are female sports bras for sale in the hardware aisle of the Big Lots. Why? The hardware aisle is the last male refuge in a department store. Men are supposed to stand there and talk about yard work and power tools. It is a place for bros, not bras.
Store workers claim part of the hardware aisle has simply been re-allocated for the sale of items marked "As Seen on TV" (aka items that make outrageous claims). That explains why there is also a needle set for sale that is so easy to thread that there's a picture of a man wearing a blindfold on the box. I don't believe this explanation. There are other "Made for TV" products scattered all around the Big Lots.
Conservatives warned that society would unravel if we allowed gay marriage. Now there are Snuggies and bras in the hardware aisle. What will be next? Cutlery in the toy department? Dog and cat food mixed promiscuously on the same shelf? Tampons in the potato chip aisle?
My world doesn't make sense anymore ...
Showing posts with label business news. Show all posts
Showing posts with label business news. Show all posts
Sunday, October 7, 2012
Thursday, September 27, 2012
More Swag Than Swagger
By Ralph Zenith
Business Reporter
ENGLEWOOD, FLORIDA - A local bank gave me a gift for opening a new account on Wednesday. It was a coffee mug wrapped in floral gift paper and stuffed with free goodies! I couldn't wait to get home and take an inventory of my loot. Inside the mug stood two dark blue fake flowers. I gave them to my sister. The mug also contained a small, chalky breath mint and a handful of mint Lifesavers. I don't like mint flavor. So, I poured them into my sister's living room candy jar. I considered it a token repayment for all of the caramel bull's-eyes I've scoffed down over the years. (love those!)
The coffee mug, and everything else in it, was branded with the bank logo for free advertising. I don't blame them. I can't wait to order similar swag for promoting Silly News. There was a small bottle of hand sanitizer. Every time I get a gift basket of swag, it includes hand sanitizer. Either I look like I just climbed out of a cesspool or businesses don't think very highly of the great unwashed masses in general! Anyway, I hear kids are getting high on hand sanitizer these days. So, it had some potential value.
The mug also contained lip balm. I don't have much need for lip balm in the sultry state of Florida. My favorite piece of swag was a heavy-duty letter opener that doubles as a 6-inch ruler. Neat! Finally, there was a small foam football. I guess I'm supposed to squeeze it in the palm of my hand to relieve stress.
All right. Let's sum up! According to the cornucopia of swag from my bank, I am a stressed out, coffee drinker with chapped lips, dirty hands and bad breath ...
Lucky guess.
Business Reporter
ENGLEWOOD, FLORIDA - A local bank gave me a gift for opening a new account on Wednesday. It was a coffee mug wrapped in floral gift paper and stuffed with free goodies! I couldn't wait to get home and take an inventory of my loot. Inside the mug stood two dark blue fake flowers. I gave them to my sister. The mug also contained a small, chalky breath mint and a handful of mint Lifesavers. I don't like mint flavor. So, I poured them into my sister's living room candy jar. I considered it a token repayment for all of the caramel bull's-eyes I've scoffed down over the years. (love those!)
The coffee mug, and everything else in it, was branded with the bank logo for free advertising. I don't blame them. I can't wait to order similar swag for promoting Silly News. There was a small bottle of hand sanitizer. Every time I get a gift basket of swag, it includes hand sanitizer. Either I look like I just climbed out of a cesspool or businesses don't think very highly of the great unwashed masses in general! Anyway, I hear kids are getting high on hand sanitizer these days. So, it had some potential value.
The mug also contained lip balm. I don't have much need for lip balm in the sultry state of Florida. My favorite piece of swag was a heavy-duty letter opener that doubles as a 6-inch ruler. Neat! Finally, there was a small foam football. I guess I'm supposed to squeeze it in the palm of my hand to relieve stress.
All right. Let's sum up! According to the cornucopia of swag from my bank, I am a stressed out, coffee drinker with chapped lips, dirty hands and bad breath ...
Lucky guess.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)