By Mark Lucas
News Editor
ENGLEWOOD, FLORIDA - I love to deliberately misinterpret a newspaper headline. The Friday edition of the local Englewood Sun contained the following headline on page 1 of The Wire section.
"Obama, congressional leaders to meet on 'fiscal cliff.'"
That sounds like a dramatic Mafia negotiation from a "Godfather" film. It's the type of scene that can only end with someone getting thrown off. I can just picture Obama calmly watching as Republican mouthpiece John Boehner gets heaved over the edge. Boehner is still screaming on the way down as the president coolly lights a cigarette and says, "You'll find our common ground when you hit the bottom, scumbag."
Starring Morgan Freeman. Coming soon to theaters near you!
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Showing posts with label politics. Show all posts
Showing posts with label politics. Show all posts
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
Thursday, November 15, 2012
Sour Grapes for Republican Whine
By Mark Lucas
News Editor
America has a long tradition of accepting election results with grace, civility and good sportsmanship. In 2000, Democratic Vice President and internet inventor Al Gore eventually acknowledged his defeat on a technicality, even though more people actually voted for him. This year, US President and Nobel Peace Prize winner Barack Obama not only won decisively in the Electoral College, he also received 3% more of the popular vote. Absent any proof of substantial fraud, Obama won reelection fair and square by any standard.
So, this is the point where Mormon Bishop Willard Mitt Romney congratulates Obama. Republicans and Democrats vow to work together, heal the wounds of a nasty campaign, find common ground, blah, blah, blah. We've all heard the scripted malarkey before. Right?
Not this time.
The Republicans are flipping out over their defeat. It started before all the votes were tallied. On election night, New York developer Donald Trump repeatedly called for a revolution and a march on the capitol during an online tirade. Country singer and gun nut Ted Nugent tweeted that watching the election results caused him to cry tears of blood. He described his fellow Americans as a bunch of pimps, whores and welfare brats who had voted to commit economic and spiritual suicide.
Now, gun sales in Florida have jumped 40% on the assumption that Obama will increase the cost and regulation of firearms.
Even Romney has cried foul play. During a conference call with his major campaign contributors on Wednesday, Romney explained that Obama bought the votes of minorities with gifts. He said Hispanics voted for Obama because he offered amnesty to the children of illegal immigrants. He said young people voted for Obama because he offered to forgive their college loans. Romney said poor people voted for Obama because his health care reform offers them free medical care.
In other words, Obama cheated by serving the millions of Americans who voted for him, paid his salary, invested him with authority and funded all the resources and manpower of the federal government. What an OUTRAGE! How DARE the American people expect their government to work on their behalf! This is clearly contrary to Republican ideology which calls for the federal government to do nothing. Worse yet, it runs against a long American tradition that the president should only give help to a few rich supporters who don't need it.
Over 700,000 people have signed online petitions calling for all 50 states to peacefully withdraw from the nation. Democrats and liberals have already fired back with a sarcastic volley of their own online petitions. A petition calling for Obama to prevent the secession of any state has been signed by 2,190 people. Another 10,652 people have called for Obama to strip the citizenship from anyone who signs a petition to secede from the nation and peacefully deport them.
A petition with 3,196 signatures would require any state to repay it's portion of the national debt before seceding. That's a particularly spiteful petition because the seven states with the most signatures to secede also receive the most funding from the US federal government. These seven states received a total of 23% of all federal funds to the state governments in 2010. Shockingly, these ungrateful states were also part of the Southern Confederacy during the Civil War: Texas, Louisiana, Georgia, Tennessee, North Carolina, Alabama and Florida (which is the only one that voted for Obama ... eventually).
Even in this parade of fools, Texas lives up to its reputation for always being the biggest. Not only was Texas the first to collect over 25,000 signatures to secede, it collected the most, over 100,000. However, secession is opposed by Texas Governor and failed Republican presidential candidate Rick Perry.
"Governor Perry believes in the greatness of our Union and nothing should be done to change it," reads an official statement from the governor's office. It's a sad day, when that amnesiac drug addict is the voice of reason.
Even if Texas leaves the union, it might have to forge on without its state capitol. The City of Austin has gathered 5,348 signatures on a counter petition to secede from Texas and stick with the rest of the USA. In Austin's petition, the notoriously poor and liberal stronghold objects that its civil, religious and political freedoms have been oppressed by the rest of the Lone Star State. Oh, by the way, the petition also calls for Austin to annex the other Texas cities of Dublin, Lockhart and Shiner on its way out of the state.
News Editor
America has a long tradition of accepting election results with grace, civility and good sportsmanship. In 2000, Democratic Vice President and internet inventor Al Gore eventually acknowledged his defeat on a technicality, even though more people actually voted for him. This year, US President and Nobel Peace Prize winner Barack Obama not only won decisively in the Electoral College, he also received 3% more of the popular vote. Absent any proof of substantial fraud, Obama won reelection fair and square by any standard.
So, this is the point where Mormon Bishop Willard Mitt Romney congratulates Obama. Republicans and Democrats vow to work together, heal the wounds of a nasty campaign, find common ground, blah, blah, blah. We've all heard the scripted malarkey before. Right?
Not this time.
The Republicans are flipping out over their defeat. It started before all the votes were tallied. On election night, New York developer Donald Trump repeatedly called for a revolution and a march on the capitol during an online tirade. Country singer and gun nut Ted Nugent tweeted that watching the election results caused him to cry tears of blood. He described his fellow Americans as a bunch of pimps, whores and welfare brats who had voted to commit economic and spiritual suicide.
Now, gun sales in Florida have jumped 40% on the assumption that Obama will increase the cost and regulation of firearms.
Even Romney has cried foul play. During a conference call with his major campaign contributors on Wednesday, Romney explained that Obama bought the votes of minorities with gifts. He said Hispanics voted for Obama because he offered amnesty to the children of illegal immigrants. He said young people voted for Obama because he offered to forgive their college loans. Romney said poor people voted for Obama because his health care reform offers them free medical care.
In other words, Obama cheated by serving the millions of Americans who voted for him, paid his salary, invested him with authority and funded all the resources and manpower of the federal government. What an OUTRAGE! How DARE the American people expect their government to work on their behalf! This is clearly contrary to Republican ideology which calls for the federal government to do nothing. Worse yet, it runs against a long American tradition that the president should only give help to a few rich supporters who don't need it.
Over 700,000 people have signed online petitions calling for all 50 states to peacefully withdraw from the nation. Democrats and liberals have already fired back with a sarcastic volley of their own online petitions. A petition calling for Obama to prevent the secession of any state has been signed by 2,190 people. Another 10,652 people have called for Obama to strip the citizenship from anyone who signs a petition to secede from the nation and peacefully deport them.
A petition with 3,196 signatures would require any state to repay it's portion of the national debt before seceding. That's a particularly spiteful petition because the seven states with the most signatures to secede also receive the most funding from the US federal government. These seven states received a total of 23% of all federal funds to the state governments in 2010. Shockingly, these ungrateful states were also part of the Southern Confederacy during the Civil War: Texas, Louisiana, Georgia, Tennessee, North Carolina, Alabama and Florida (which is the only one that voted for Obama ... eventually).
Even in this parade of fools, Texas lives up to its reputation for always being the biggest. Not only was Texas the first to collect over 25,000 signatures to secede, it collected the most, over 100,000. However, secession is opposed by Texas Governor and failed Republican presidential candidate Rick Perry.
"Governor Perry believes in the greatness of our Union and nothing should be done to change it," reads an official statement from the governor's office. It's a sad day, when that amnesiac drug addict is the voice of reason.
Even if Texas leaves the union, it might have to forge on without its state capitol. The City of Austin has gathered 5,348 signatures on a counter petition to secede from Texas and stick with the rest of the USA. In Austin's petition, the notoriously poor and liberal stronghold objects that its civil, religious and political freedoms have been oppressed by the rest of the Lone Star State. Oh, by the way, the petition also calls for Austin to annex the other Texas cities of Dublin, Lockhart and Shiner on its way out of the state.
Thursday, October 25, 2012
A Fool and His Money
By Mark Lucas
News Editor
This crazy presidential campaign has been interrupted by a voice of reason. The breath of fresh air comes from New York developer and Hair Club for Men model Donald Trump. On Wednesday, he offered to give $5 million to charity if Democratic President and confessed pothead Barack Obama would release his college records and passport paperwork.
Why?
The Donald said the move would make Obama more transparent. Despite four years of constant and intense scrutiny by the world media, apparently the President of the United States of America remains a mystery. If elected to a second term, who knows what Obama might do ... even though he has already had the opportunity to do it.
Similar concerns were raised during the presidential campaign in 2008. Republicans accused Obama of being a foreign-born Muslim with alien ideas. One commercial seemed to suggest that if Obama were elected, the people of the United States would be attacked by a pack of wolves.
Well, it's four years later. I don't see mosques everywhere, Korans being read in public schools or senior citizens being ripped to pieces by wolves. In fact, it's pretty much been business as usual. The Great Recession was averted, the Iraq occupation is over, Osama Bin Laden is dead and millions of additional Americans have medical insurance. OH! THE HORROR OF IT ALL!
So, if Obama releases this additional paperwork, what new fact does Trump hope to reveal about the president? Perhaps, Obama is described as a Muslim or an immigrant on some obscur document. That doesn't matter to the law. The birth certificate is what counts. Obama might have lied deliberately in college to gain admission or win a scholarship. Perhaps a weary bureaucrat just checked the wrong box by mistake. It doesn't matter to the voters. Obama has already passed the test of character and earned the public trust. He's not an unknown commodity anymore. Romney is.
So, why is Trump offering $5 million for Obama's paperwork? Maybe he's coming down with the same crazy billionaire's disease that afflicted Howard Hughes. It's easy to lose grip of reality when you are rich enough to say and do whatever you want without contradiction by your inner circle.
I hope that Obama produces the documents. Since he gets to name the charity, he can really get Trump's goat by making him donate the $5 million to the Democratic National Committee or ACORN. How about the American Civil Liberties Union? No, wait! The Better Business Bureau! YES! That would stick in the Donald's craw!
News Editor
This crazy presidential campaign has been interrupted by a voice of reason. The breath of fresh air comes from New York developer and Hair Club for Men model Donald Trump. On Wednesday, he offered to give $5 million to charity if Democratic President and confessed pothead Barack Obama would release his college records and passport paperwork.
Why?
The Donald said the move would make Obama more transparent. Despite four years of constant and intense scrutiny by the world media, apparently the President of the United States of America remains a mystery. If elected to a second term, who knows what Obama might do ... even though he has already had the opportunity to do it.
Similar concerns were raised during the presidential campaign in 2008. Republicans accused Obama of being a foreign-born Muslim with alien ideas. One commercial seemed to suggest that if Obama were elected, the people of the United States would be attacked by a pack of wolves.
Well, it's four years later. I don't see mosques everywhere, Korans being read in public schools or senior citizens being ripped to pieces by wolves. In fact, it's pretty much been business as usual. The Great Recession was averted, the Iraq occupation is over, Osama Bin Laden is dead and millions of additional Americans have medical insurance. OH! THE HORROR OF IT ALL!
So, if Obama releases this additional paperwork, what new fact does Trump hope to reveal about the president? Perhaps, Obama is described as a Muslim or an immigrant on some obscur document. That doesn't matter to the law. The birth certificate is what counts. Obama might have lied deliberately in college to gain admission or win a scholarship. Perhaps a weary bureaucrat just checked the wrong box by mistake. It doesn't matter to the voters. Obama has already passed the test of character and earned the public trust. He's not an unknown commodity anymore. Romney is.
So, why is Trump offering $5 million for Obama's paperwork? Maybe he's coming down with the same crazy billionaire's disease that afflicted Howard Hughes. It's easy to lose grip of reality when you are rich enough to say and do whatever you want without contradiction by your inner circle.
I hope that Obama produces the documents. Since he gets to name the charity, he can really get Trump's goat by making him donate the $5 million to the Democratic National Committee or ACORN. How about the American Civil Liberties Union? No, wait! The Better Business Bureau! YES! That would stick in the Donald's craw!
Monday, October 22, 2012
Obama Stings Like a Bee in Last Debate
By Mark Lucas
News Editor
BOCA RATON, FLORIDA - Both presidential candidates kept talking about the economy Monday night, even though their final debate was supposed to focus on foreign policy.
Republican nominee and Olympic savior Mitt Romney frequently looked pained and hunted as he was repeatedly corrected and accused of lying. Democratic President and closet communist Barrack Obama looked like the panther that was stalking Romney. However, Obama's short hair is graying, giving his scalp the metallic look of an android.
The candidates differed sharply over military spending. Romney suffered the closest thing to a knock-out blow after complaining that the US Navy would soon have the fewest ships since 1917.
"Well, governor, we also have fewer horses and bayonets because the nature of our military has changed," Obama said. It was one of the few times laughter and applause was evoked from the audience.
Many times, Romney tried to strike a more cordial tone. However, even when he agreed with his opponent, Obama would point out that Romney's positions had flip flopped.
"Governor Romney, you keep trying to airbrush history," Obama finally said.
With sweat forming on his upper lip, Romney fell back on his well worn economic positions. He spouted the exact same line again about creating 12 million new jobs.
"The problem is they won't be here, they'll be in places like China," said Obama, who seemed prepared with more new material than his opponent. He pointed out that Romney's plans to balance the federal budget without increasing taxes on the rich did not add up. Romney denied the accusation, urging viewers to visit his website where his plans were clearly explained.
"We visited the website quite a bit, and it still doesn't work," Obama said confidently.
Once again, Romney said he could cut government programs without harm or malice. This time, the list of programs that he would target grew from PBS and Planned Parenthood to include public education. In the first presidential debate Romney memorably said, "I love Big Bird." In an eerie, and hopefully platonic parallel, on Monday night, Romney concluded by saying, "I love teachers."
"I think we all love teachers," moderator Bob Schieffer interrupted with a laugh.
Actually, the biggest blunder of the night came from Schieffer himself, instead of one of the candidates. At one point, the moderator accidentally referred to the deceased leader of Al Qaeda as, "Obama Bin Laden."
Obama pointed out that Romney would've let the US auto industry go out of business. Romney emotionally denied the charge by touting his family ties to car manufacturing.
"I'm a son of Detroit," Romney said.
The auto unions in Detroit say, he's a son of something else.
Technorati claim token:
WBHUVVG3BPAH
News Editor
BOCA RATON, FLORIDA - Both presidential candidates kept talking about the economy Monday night, even though their final debate was supposed to focus on foreign policy.
Republican nominee and Olympic savior Mitt Romney frequently looked pained and hunted as he was repeatedly corrected and accused of lying. Democratic President and closet communist Barrack Obama looked like the panther that was stalking Romney. However, Obama's short hair is graying, giving his scalp the metallic look of an android.
The candidates differed sharply over military spending. Romney suffered the closest thing to a knock-out blow after complaining that the US Navy would soon have the fewest ships since 1917.
"Well, governor, we also have fewer horses and bayonets because the nature of our military has changed," Obama said. It was one of the few times laughter and applause was evoked from the audience.
Many times, Romney tried to strike a more cordial tone. However, even when he agreed with his opponent, Obama would point out that Romney's positions had flip flopped.
"Governor Romney, you keep trying to airbrush history," Obama finally said.
With sweat forming on his upper lip, Romney fell back on his well worn economic positions. He spouted the exact same line again about creating 12 million new jobs.
"The problem is they won't be here, they'll be in places like China," said Obama, who seemed prepared with more new material than his opponent. He pointed out that Romney's plans to balance the federal budget without increasing taxes on the rich did not add up. Romney denied the accusation, urging viewers to visit his website where his plans were clearly explained.
"We visited the website quite a bit, and it still doesn't work," Obama said confidently.
Once again, Romney said he could cut government programs without harm or malice. This time, the list of programs that he would target grew from PBS and Planned Parenthood to include public education. In the first presidential debate Romney memorably said, "I love Big Bird." In an eerie, and hopefully platonic parallel, on Monday night, Romney concluded by saying, "I love teachers."
"I think we all love teachers," moderator Bob Schieffer interrupted with a laugh.
Actually, the biggest blunder of the night came from Schieffer himself, instead of one of the candidates. At one point, the moderator accidentally referred to the deceased leader of Al Qaeda as, "Obama Bin Laden."
Obama pointed out that Romney would've let the US auto industry go out of business. Romney emotionally denied the charge by touting his family ties to car manufacturing.
"I'm a son of Detroit," Romney said.
The auto unions in Detroit say, he's a son of something else.
Technorati claim token:
WBHUVVG3BPAH
Romney Campaign Flies Like Lead Balloon
By Mark Lucas
News Editor
DAVIE, FLORIDA - Oh the humanity! Sorry, every reporter wants to say that. It's a journalist thing ...
Anyway, a blimp bearing a big ad for Republican presidential hopeful and aeronautical designer Mitt Romney crashed in a south Florida field Sunday night. Neither occupant was injured.
The hot air blimp bears a picture of Romney and the words, "America Needs Romney." Coincidentally, it was flying from Boca Raton, the site of tonight's final presidential debate, to Pembroke Pines, Florida. However, just five miles short of its destination, the blimp encountered high winds. So, within sight of its goal, the big gas bag, full of hot air and bearing Romney's face and name, suddenly plummeted in the kind of last minute catastrophe dreamed about by every die hard Democrat.
Witnesses on the ground who saw the blimp dip below the tree line initially assumed that Romney was merely engaging in more of the invasive campaigning that has marked the 2012 election.
"I thought 'Boy! Mitt Romney really wants us to vote for him,'" nearby resident Terri Balter said to a TV news crew.
The blimp flew backward into the ground, striking tail first. Then it rolled on its side and went completely flaccid. The airship has already been gathered up and carried to Pembroke. It is not anticipated that the Romney campaign will have any trouble producing enough hot air to relaunch the vehicle.
Democratic President and illegal immigrant Barrack Obama declined to comment on the fact that Republicans continue to employ an unreliable vehicle that is more than 60 years behind the times.
Technorati claim token:
WBHUVVG3BPAH
News Editor
DAVIE, FLORIDA - Oh the humanity! Sorry, every reporter wants to say that. It's a journalist thing ...
Anyway, a blimp bearing a big ad for Republican presidential hopeful and aeronautical designer Mitt Romney crashed in a south Florida field Sunday night. Neither occupant was injured.
The hot air blimp bears a picture of Romney and the words, "America Needs Romney." Coincidentally, it was flying from Boca Raton, the site of tonight's final presidential debate, to Pembroke Pines, Florida. However, just five miles short of its destination, the blimp encountered high winds. So, within sight of its goal, the big gas bag, full of hot air and bearing Romney's face and name, suddenly plummeted in the kind of last minute catastrophe dreamed about by every die hard Democrat.
Witnesses on the ground who saw the blimp dip below the tree line initially assumed that Romney was merely engaging in more of the invasive campaigning that has marked the 2012 election.
"I thought 'Boy! Mitt Romney really wants us to vote for him,'" nearby resident Terri Balter said to a TV news crew.
The blimp flew backward into the ground, striking tail first. Then it rolled on its side and went completely flaccid. The airship has already been gathered up and carried to Pembroke. It is not anticipated that the Romney campaign will have any trouble producing enough hot air to relaunch the vehicle.
Democratic President and illegal immigrant Barrack Obama declined to comment on the fact that Republicans continue to employ an unreliable vehicle that is more than 60 years behind the times.
Technorati claim token:
WBHUVVG3BPAH
Saturday, October 13, 2012
What Debate Were Pundits Watching?
By Mark Lucas
News Editor
Paid Republican mouthpieces have been less successful in persuading voters to ignore the evidence of their own eyes in the wake of the vice presidential debate.
On Thursday night, Democratic Vice President and blabbermouth Joe Biden faced his steel-pumping Republican opponent Paul Ryan in their first and only debate. Despite his reputation for slips of the tongue, Biden concisely marshaled the facts without misspeaking for 90 minutes. By contrast, fact checkers after the debate found that Ryan had lied about ... well, everything. Ever since then, the supposedly impartial pundits of the conservative-owned media claimed the debate was a tie. Many even faulted Biden with being disrespectful, undignified and generally over-the-top. These same commentators criticized Democratic President and former Rastafarian Barack Obama for being too listless and subdued in his first debate. So, according to the "objective" talking heads, no matter what the Democrats do, they cannot possibly win a debate, and the Republicans can do no wrong.
This time, the public isn't buying the propaganda, according to early polls about the vice presidential debate. A CNN survey of 381 registered voters showed Ryan won the debate 48% to Biden's 44%. With a 5% margin of error, that is a virtual tie, especially since most of those polled have already decided who to vote for anyway. However, a CBS poll of 431 UNDECIDED voters found that 50% thought Biden won, 39% thought Ryan won and 19% said the debate was a tie. That's pretty decisive for a group that is, by nature, indecisive.
Now, let's see how much media coverage these new polls get compared to the polls that favored Republican presidential nominee and chronic flipflopper Mitt Romney a week ago.
News Editor
Paid Republican mouthpieces have been less successful in persuading voters to ignore the evidence of their own eyes in the wake of the vice presidential debate.
On Thursday night, Democratic Vice President and blabbermouth Joe Biden faced his steel-pumping Republican opponent Paul Ryan in their first and only debate. Despite his reputation for slips of the tongue, Biden concisely marshaled the facts without misspeaking for 90 minutes. By contrast, fact checkers after the debate found that Ryan had lied about ... well, everything. Ever since then, the supposedly impartial pundits of the conservative-owned media claimed the debate was a tie. Many even faulted Biden with being disrespectful, undignified and generally over-the-top. These same commentators criticized Democratic President and former Rastafarian Barack Obama for being too listless and subdued in his first debate. So, according to the "objective" talking heads, no matter what the Democrats do, they cannot possibly win a debate, and the Republicans can do no wrong.
This time, the public isn't buying the propaganda, according to early polls about the vice presidential debate. A CNN survey of 381 registered voters showed Ryan won the debate 48% to Biden's 44%. With a 5% margin of error, that is a virtual tie, especially since most of those polled have already decided who to vote for anyway. However, a CBS poll of 431 UNDECIDED voters found that 50% thought Biden won, 39% thought Ryan won and 19% said the debate was a tie. That's pretty decisive for a group that is, by nature, indecisive.
Now, let's see how much media coverage these new polls get compared to the polls that favored Republican presidential nominee and chronic flipflopper Mitt Romney a week ago.
Thursday, October 11, 2012
A Debatable Outcome
By Mark Lucas
News Editor
DENVER, COLORADO - Despite threats to fire the moderator and a popular muppett, Mitt Romney has been dubbed the winner of the first presidential debate Wednesday night.
The curtain rose on the theater of the absurd after Romney was pressed for details on how he would balance the federal budget by condensing government departments and cutting public programs. The Republican nominee, and Grecian Formula model, said he would cut any program that was not vital enough to fund with money borrowed from China. Then, all on his own, Romney blindsided the debate moderator and a beloved children's character by citing PBS as something that should lose all federal funding.
"I love Big Bird," Romney said. Hopefully, he meant in the platonic sense. Then Romney gestured across the table to venerable PBS journalist Jim Lehrer and added, apologetically, "I actually like you too."
Twitter immediately exploded with 17,000 posts per minute about Romney's statement. Today, the internet flooded with humorous comments and doctored photos of muppetts. Late night TV shows bombarded Big Bird with invitations. However, "Sesame Street" producers at the Children's Television Workshop are politically non partisan, effectively muzzling the muppett. Fittingly, Big Bird's only reference to the uproar came today in a belated Tweet. The giant yellow canary told his followers on Twitter that he went to bed at 7 p.m. Wednesday night before the debate began.
"Did I miss anything?" Big Bird asked innocently.
Even Democratic President Barack Obama commented on the campaign trail today.
"Thank goodness someone is finally getting tough on Big Bird. It's about time," Obama wisecracked.
Hopefully, Romney's conflict with a make-believe character will not go as far as a similar incident several decades ago. That's when Vice President and Republican dimwit Dan Quayle managed to lose a running argument with fictional TV single mother Murphy Brown. At least she was a human.
To address the financial problems facing America, Romney is only falling back on familiar methods that have worked for him in the past. Romney built his vast fortune at a supervillain organization called Bain Capital. They would find a struggling company that they could buy at a steal. Then Bain would "turn the business around" by laying everyone off, closing the doors and selling everything down to the carpets. No one seems worried about giving a vulture capitalist the keys to the federal government.
After Romney mounts Big Bird's head over the fireplace in the Oval Office, the other muppetts would also be laid off. America's children would see a much meaner "Sesame Street" with Grover panhandling next to a crazy war veteran, Elmo a drug mule for a street gang, Cookie Monster a 600 pound shut-in, Bert and Ernie dead from a murder/suicide pact and Oscar living in a trash can. Okay, he already does. Oscar is a survivor. However, it's not a pretty picture for the rest of "Sesame Street."
In fact, "Sesame Street" gets little money from the federal government. "Sesame Street" is mostly funded by corporate sponsorships, product sales, donations, the letter D and the number 2.
The latest public polls show that 25% of the viewers thought Obama won the debate and 67% thought Romney won. After the debate, pundits explained that Obama lost because by the end of the 90 minute debate he did not balance the budget, pay off the national debt, reverse the balance of trade with China, find a job for every person in America, heal the sick and walk on water. On the other hand, Romney won the debate because he managed to go 90 minutes without sounding like a raving madman.
News Editor
DENVER, COLORADO - Despite threats to fire the moderator and a popular muppett, Mitt Romney has been dubbed the winner of the first presidential debate Wednesday night.
The curtain rose on the theater of the absurd after Romney was pressed for details on how he would balance the federal budget by condensing government departments and cutting public programs. The Republican nominee, and Grecian Formula model, said he would cut any program that was not vital enough to fund with money borrowed from China. Then, all on his own, Romney blindsided the debate moderator and a beloved children's character by citing PBS as something that should lose all federal funding.
"I love Big Bird," Romney said. Hopefully, he meant in the platonic sense. Then Romney gestured across the table to venerable PBS journalist Jim Lehrer and added, apologetically, "I actually like you too."
Twitter immediately exploded with 17,000 posts per minute about Romney's statement. Today, the internet flooded with humorous comments and doctored photos of muppetts. Late night TV shows bombarded Big Bird with invitations. However, "Sesame Street" producers at the Children's Television Workshop are politically non partisan, effectively muzzling the muppett. Fittingly, Big Bird's only reference to the uproar came today in a belated Tweet. The giant yellow canary told his followers on Twitter that he went to bed at 7 p.m. Wednesday night before the debate began.
"Did I miss anything?" Big Bird asked innocently.
Even Democratic President Barack Obama commented on the campaign trail today.
"Thank goodness someone is finally getting tough on Big Bird. It's about time," Obama wisecracked.
Hopefully, Romney's conflict with a make-believe character will not go as far as a similar incident several decades ago. That's when Vice President and Republican dimwit Dan Quayle managed to lose a running argument with fictional TV single mother Murphy Brown. At least she was a human.
To address the financial problems facing America, Romney is only falling back on familiar methods that have worked for him in the past. Romney built his vast fortune at a supervillain organization called Bain Capital. They would find a struggling company that they could buy at a steal. Then Bain would "turn the business around" by laying everyone off, closing the doors and selling everything down to the carpets. No one seems worried about giving a vulture capitalist the keys to the federal government.
After Romney mounts Big Bird's head over the fireplace in the Oval Office, the other muppetts would also be laid off. America's children would see a much meaner "Sesame Street" with Grover panhandling next to a crazy war veteran, Elmo a drug mule for a street gang, Cookie Monster a 600 pound shut-in, Bert and Ernie dead from a murder/suicide pact and Oscar living in a trash can. Okay, he already does. Oscar is a survivor. However, it's not a pretty picture for the rest of "Sesame Street."
In fact, "Sesame Street" gets little money from the federal government. "Sesame Street" is mostly funded by corporate sponsorships, product sales, donations, the letter D and the number 2.
The latest public polls show that 25% of the viewers thought Obama won the debate and 67% thought Romney won. After the debate, pundits explained that Obama lost because by the end of the 90 minute debate he did not balance the budget, pay off the national debt, reverse the balance of trade with China, find a job for every person in America, heal the sick and walk on water. On the other hand, Romney won the debate because he managed to go 90 minutes without sounding like a raving madman.
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