By Mark Lucas
News Editor
America has a long tradition of accepting election results with grace, civility and good sportsmanship. In 2000, Democratic Vice President and internet inventor Al Gore eventually acknowledged his defeat on a technicality, even though more people actually voted for him. This year, US President and Nobel Peace Prize winner Barack Obama not only won decisively in the Electoral College, he also received 3% more of the popular vote. Absent any proof of substantial fraud, Obama won reelection fair and square by any standard.
So, this is the point where Mormon Bishop Willard Mitt Romney congratulates Obama. Republicans and Democrats vow to work together, heal the wounds of a nasty campaign, find common ground, blah, blah, blah. We've all heard the scripted malarkey before. Right?
Not this time.
The Republicans are flipping out over their defeat. It started before all the votes were tallied. On election night, New York developer Donald Trump repeatedly called for a revolution and a march on the capitol during an online tirade. Country singer and gun nut Ted Nugent tweeted that watching the election results caused him to cry tears of blood. He described his fellow Americans as a bunch of pimps, whores and welfare brats who had voted to commit economic and spiritual suicide.
Now, gun sales in Florida have jumped 40% on the assumption that Obama will increase the cost and regulation of firearms.
Even Romney has cried foul play. During a conference call with his major campaign contributors on Wednesday, Romney explained that Obama bought the votes of minorities with gifts. He said Hispanics voted for Obama because he offered amnesty to the children of illegal immigrants. He said young people voted for Obama because he offered to forgive their college loans. Romney said poor people voted for Obama because his health care reform offers them free medical care.
In other words, Obama cheated by serving the millions of Americans who voted for him, paid his salary, invested him with authority and funded all the resources and manpower of the federal government. What an OUTRAGE! How DARE the American people expect their government to work on their behalf! This is clearly contrary to Republican ideology which calls for the federal government to do nothing. Worse yet, it runs against a long American tradition that the president should only give help to a few rich supporters who don't need it.
Over 700,000 people have signed online petitions calling for all 50 states to peacefully withdraw from the nation. Democrats and liberals have already fired back with a sarcastic volley of their own online petitions. A petition calling for Obama to prevent the secession of any state has been signed by 2,190 people. Another 10,652 people have called for Obama to strip the citizenship from anyone who signs a petition to secede from the nation and peacefully deport them.
A petition with 3,196 signatures would require any state to repay it's portion of the national debt before seceding. That's a particularly spiteful petition because the seven states with the most signatures to secede also receive the most funding from the US federal government. These seven states received a total of 23% of all federal funds to the state governments in 2010. Shockingly, these ungrateful states were also part of the Southern Confederacy during the Civil War: Texas, Louisiana, Georgia, Tennessee, North Carolina, Alabama and Florida (which is the only one that voted for Obama ... eventually).
Even in this parade of fools, Texas lives up to its reputation for always being the biggest. Not only was Texas the first to collect over 25,000 signatures to secede, it collected the most, over 100,000. However, secession is opposed by Texas Governor and failed Republican presidential candidate Rick Perry.
"Governor Perry believes in the greatness of our Union and nothing should be done to change it," reads an official statement from the governor's office. It's a sad day, when that amnesiac drug addict is the voice of reason.
Even if Texas leaves the union, it might have to forge on without its state capitol. The City of Austin has gathered 5,348 signatures on a counter petition to secede from Texas and stick with the rest of the USA. In Austin's petition, the notoriously poor and liberal stronghold objects that its civil, religious and political freedoms have been oppressed by the rest of the Lone Star State. Oh, by the way, the petition also calls for Austin to annex the other Texas cities of Dublin, Lockhart and Shiner on its way out of the state.
Showing posts with label Romney. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Romney. Show all posts
Thursday, November 15, 2012
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
Chicks Dress Like Big Bird
By Mark Lucas
News Editor
Big Bird costumes are selling out this Halloween.
Ever since the popular Muppet was mentioned in the first presidential debate, the sale of Big Bird outfits has increased up to 500%. When asked how he'd cut federal spending, Republican presidential nominee and leader of the Fantastic Four Mitt Romney immediately targeted PBS in general and Big Bird by name. The remark led to an explosion of online comments, political jokes and even campaign ads.
However, kids dressed like little yellow canaries will not necessarily be flocking around the neighborhood pecking for candy this Halloween. No. The biggest sales increase has been in sexy and sassy Big Bird costumes for adult women. These scanty outfits often consist of little more than striped stockings, a cute bug-eyed headband and just enough yellow feathers to avoid charges of indecent exposure.
So, when Romney said he'd cut PBS funding even though, "I love Big Bird," apparently some Republican admirers took him literally. Any couples aroused to role playing in the bedroom would just need a sexy Big Bird costume for the woman, and a Romney mask for the man and then ... Oh, no! No! Gross! No!
Poor Big Bird!
I just want to take my brain out of my skull and scrub that image from my mind!
Technorati claim token:
WBHUVVG3BPAH
News Editor
Big Bird costumes are selling out this Halloween.
Ever since the popular Muppet was mentioned in the first presidential debate, the sale of Big Bird outfits has increased up to 500%. When asked how he'd cut federal spending, Republican presidential nominee and leader of the Fantastic Four Mitt Romney immediately targeted PBS in general and Big Bird by name. The remark led to an explosion of online comments, political jokes and even campaign ads.
However, kids dressed like little yellow canaries will not necessarily be flocking around the neighborhood pecking for candy this Halloween. No. The biggest sales increase has been in sexy and sassy Big Bird costumes for adult women. These scanty outfits often consist of little more than striped stockings, a cute bug-eyed headband and just enough yellow feathers to avoid charges of indecent exposure.
So, when Romney said he'd cut PBS funding even though, "I love Big Bird," apparently some Republican admirers took him literally. Any couples aroused to role playing in the bedroom would just need a sexy Big Bird costume for the woman, and a Romney mask for the man and then ... Oh, no! No! Gross! No!
Poor Big Bird!
I just want to take my brain out of my skull and scrub that image from my mind!
Technorati claim token:
WBHUVVG3BPAH
Thursday, October 11, 2012
A Debatable Outcome
By Mark Lucas
News Editor
DENVER, COLORADO - Despite threats to fire the moderator and a popular muppett, Mitt Romney has been dubbed the winner of the first presidential debate Wednesday night.
The curtain rose on the theater of the absurd after Romney was pressed for details on how he would balance the federal budget by condensing government departments and cutting public programs. The Republican nominee, and Grecian Formula model, said he would cut any program that was not vital enough to fund with money borrowed from China. Then, all on his own, Romney blindsided the debate moderator and a beloved children's character by citing PBS as something that should lose all federal funding.
"I love Big Bird," Romney said. Hopefully, he meant in the platonic sense. Then Romney gestured across the table to venerable PBS journalist Jim Lehrer and added, apologetically, "I actually like you too."
Twitter immediately exploded with 17,000 posts per minute about Romney's statement. Today, the internet flooded with humorous comments and doctored photos of muppetts. Late night TV shows bombarded Big Bird with invitations. However, "Sesame Street" producers at the Children's Television Workshop are politically non partisan, effectively muzzling the muppett. Fittingly, Big Bird's only reference to the uproar came today in a belated Tweet. The giant yellow canary told his followers on Twitter that he went to bed at 7 p.m. Wednesday night before the debate began.
"Did I miss anything?" Big Bird asked innocently.
Even Democratic President Barack Obama commented on the campaign trail today.
"Thank goodness someone is finally getting tough on Big Bird. It's about time," Obama wisecracked.
Hopefully, Romney's conflict with a make-believe character will not go as far as a similar incident several decades ago. That's when Vice President and Republican dimwit Dan Quayle managed to lose a running argument with fictional TV single mother Murphy Brown. At least she was a human.
To address the financial problems facing America, Romney is only falling back on familiar methods that have worked for him in the past. Romney built his vast fortune at a supervillain organization called Bain Capital. They would find a struggling company that they could buy at a steal. Then Bain would "turn the business around" by laying everyone off, closing the doors and selling everything down to the carpets. No one seems worried about giving a vulture capitalist the keys to the federal government.
After Romney mounts Big Bird's head over the fireplace in the Oval Office, the other muppetts would also be laid off. America's children would see a much meaner "Sesame Street" with Grover panhandling next to a crazy war veteran, Elmo a drug mule for a street gang, Cookie Monster a 600 pound shut-in, Bert and Ernie dead from a murder/suicide pact and Oscar living in a trash can. Okay, he already does. Oscar is a survivor. However, it's not a pretty picture for the rest of "Sesame Street."
In fact, "Sesame Street" gets little money from the federal government. "Sesame Street" is mostly funded by corporate sponsorships, product sales, donations, the letter D and the number 2.
The latest public polls show that 25% of the viewers thought Obama won the debate and 67% thought Romney won. After the debate, pundits explained that Obama lost because by the end of the 90 minute debate he did not balance the budget, pay off the national debt, reverse the balance of trade with China, find a job for every person in America, heal the sick and walk on water. On the other hand, Romney won the debate because he managed to go 90 minutes without sounding like a raving madman.
News Editor
DENVER, COLORADO - Despite threats to fire the moderator and a popular muppett, Mitt Romney has been dubbed the winner of the first presidential debate Wednesday night.
The curtain rose on the theater of the absurd after Romney was pressed for details on how he would balance the federal budget by condensing government departments and cutting public programs. The Republican nominee, and Grecian Formula model, said he would cut any program that was not vital enough to fund with money borrowed from China. Then, all on his own, Romney blindsided the debate moderator and a beloved children's character by citing PBS as something that should lose all federal funding.
"I love Big Bird," Romney said. Hopefully, he meant in the platonic sense. Then Romney gestured across the table to venerable PBS journalist Jim Lehrer and added, apologetically, "I actually like you too."
Twitter immediately exploded with 17,000 posts per minute about Romney's statement. Today, the internet flooded with humorous comments and doctored photos of muppetts. Late night TV shows bombarded Big Bird with invitations. However, "Sesame Street" producers at the Children's Television Workshop are politically non partisan, effectively muzzling the muppett. Fittingly, Big Bird's only reference to the uproar came today in a belated Tweet. The giant yellow canary told his followers on Twitter that he went to bed at 7 p.m. Wednesday night before the debate began.
"Did I miss anything?" Big Bird asked innocently.
Even Democratic President Barack Obama commented on the campaign trail today.
"Thank goodness someone is finally getting tough on Big Bird. It's about time," Obama wisecracked.
Hopefully, Romney's conflict with a make-believe character will not go as far as a similar incident several decades ago. That's when Vice President and Republican dimwit Dan Quayle managed to lose a running argument with fictional TV single mother Murphy Brown. At least she was a human.
To address the financial problems facing America, Romney is only falling back on familiar methods that have worked for him in the past. Romney built his vast fortune at a supervillain organization called Bain Capital. They would find a struggling company that they could buy at a steal. Then Bain would "turn the business around" by laying everyone off, closing the doors and selling everything down to the carpets. No one seems worried about giving a vulture capitalist the keys to the federal government.
After Romney mounts Big Bird's head over the fireplace in the Oval Office, the other muppetts would also be laid off. America's children would see a much meaner "Sesame Street" with Grover panhandling next to a crazy war veteran, Elmo a drug mule for a street gang, Cookie Monster a 600 pound shut-in, Bert and Ernie dead from a murder/suicide pact and Oscar living in a trash can. Okay, he already does. Oscar is a survivor. However, it's not a pretty picture for the rest of "Sesame Street."
In fact, "Sesame Street" gets little money from the federal government. "Sesame Street" is mostly funded by corporate sponsorships, product sales, donations, the letter D and the number 2.
The latest public polls show that 25% of the viewers thought Obama won the debate and 67% thought Romney won. After the debate, pundits explained that Obama lost because by the end of the 90 minute debate he did not balance the budget, pay off the national debt, reverse the balance of trade with China, find a job for every person in America, heal the sick and walk on water. On the other hand, Romney won the debate because he managed to go 90 minutes without sounding like a raving madman.
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