Obama Destroys Death Star with The Farce

By Nicola Braun
Science Reporter
WASHINGTON, D.C. - There has been a tremendous disturbance in the Force, as if 34,435 geeks cried out together and were suddenly silenced.
     A petition to build a Death Star by 2016 has been shot down by US President Barack Obama.  The petition started in November on the White House's official We the People website.  Obama has a standing promise to reply to any petition there that gains more than 25,000 signatures.  So, thousands of smart and educated geeks decided to use this avenue to waste government time and money rather than do something constructive.
     Their proposal claims that building a Death Star would improve national defense and generate a lot of new jobs.   On Friday,  an official reply titled, "This Isn't the Petition Response You're Looking For" was issued by Paul Shawcross, chief science weenie at the White House Office of Management and Budget.  As the title suggests, the response is full of hip insider references to the Star Wars films.
     The White House lists three reasons for not building a Death Star.  The Obama administration does not approve of blowing up planets.  At a time when the White House is struggling to reduce the federal deficit, a Death Star would cost a budget-busting $850 quadrillion.  Don't let it be said that Obama is so liberal that he never met an expensive public program he didn't want to fund. Shawcross also pointed out that the giant space station had a fatal Achilles Heel in the form of a two-meter-wide-shaft leading directly to the reactor core.  This design flaw allowed Luke Skywalker to destroy the Death Star from a small X-wing fighter with a far more economical price tag.
     The online discussion does not mention the fact that we don't have the technology to exceed the speed of light or build a laser that can destroy an entire planet.  The $850 quadrillion price tag only covers the initial construction cost and not the ongoing payroll for manning a space station the size of a moon.
     In his response, Shawcross lists many recent scientific discoveries and accomplishments by NASA in a futile attempt to appease the sci-fi fans behind the Death Star petition.  This includes the International Space Station, a five-bedroom satellite the size of a football field that cost a paltry $100 billion to put into orbit.  
     "We are living in the future!  Enjoy it," Shawcross exalts, "Or, better yet, help build it by pursuing a career in science, technology, engineering or math-related field."
     Don't despair, science fiction nerds.  Another petition to build the starship Enterprise has already gathered over 19,000 signatures in the past month.

Willy Wonka Meets Doctor Who

Kerste Milik, 16, poses with the gingerbread spaceman that she helped to build for the holidays.

By Socrates Paparazzi
Arts & Entertainment Reporter
MIDDLETON, CONNECTICUT - The traditional gingerbread house is too mundane for the Miliks.  In past years, this creative theater arts family has used holiday candy to build things such as the Eiffel Tower and Hogwart's school of magic.  This year, they built a 14-inch-tall gingerbread Dalek.
      For those who are not sci fi fans, the Daleks are the arch enemies of the BBC time traveler Doctor Who.   The cyborgs are known for hysterically screaming, "EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE!" as they ride around in mechanized war machines that look like tricked out salt shakers.  Despite their genocidal tendencies, the power crazed aliens just seem funny to little seven-year-old Aeris Milik.
     "She's not scared of them at all," according to her father, Christian.
     When they noticed that Lindt chocolate balls look like the bumpy grill of a Dalek war machine, the idea for this year's Milik holiday project was born.  He said it took about five hours over one weekend to bake, build and decorate their unique creation.  A candy cane serves as the Dalek's ray gun and a lollipop has been substituted for the cyborg's plunger-like arm.  However, Christian said the greatest challenge was cementing together gingerbread panels to build the sides of the hollow war machine.  They used royal icing.  Christian said the whole sculpture is edible and is still being devoured.
     "People have just been, kinda, breaking off pieces," he said.

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