By Nicola Braun
Science Reporter
TAIWAN - Scientists with too much time on their hands have given recreational users of crystal meth a new justification for their addiction. It prevents the flu.
Previous studies suggested that meth addicts are more susceptible to HIV. So, a team of Taiwanese scientists expected similar results when they exposed lung tissue samples to crystal meth and the flu virus. They were shocked to discover the opposite. The meth boosted the lung's resistance to the flu. In fact, the more crystal meth they mixed in, the more the flu virus was rejected. Even the flu can't survive in that kind of toxic pollution.
Great! This will give more ammunition to people who want to legalize narcotics. They already claim that pot cures glaucoma. Now the meth addicts will crawl to their doctors for a prescription every time they get the sniffles.
Actually, the lab coats say they will try to create new drugs similar to crystal meth that fight the flu without all the bad side effects. After all, can you imagine the warning label they'd have to print on a prescription bottle of Crystal Meth Night Time Flu Relief? "May cause acne, wrinkled skin, insomnia, tooth decay, elevated heart rate, anxiety, delusions, hallucinations, paranoia, convulsions, extreme aggression, decreased sex drive, increased body temperature, liver damage, stroke and death."
Yikes! I'd rather get the flu. Even if I was cured, I wouldn't feel better if I suspected the mailman of plotting against me with my dog! I think the Taiwanese are setting the bar a little too low. Their next scientific study will probably prove that shooting patients in the head will also prevent the flu.
"The inoculation was a success, doctor. Unfortunately, the patient's brains have been sprayed all over the wall."
"But he doesn't have the flu, right?"
"Nope. No flu. Just dead."
"Great! That's a 100% success record. Next!"
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