By Rainbow Starr
Environmental Reporter
EVERGLADES, FLORIDA - When He kicked Adam and Eve out of Eden, God said to the serpent, "I will put enmity between thee and the woman, and between thy seed and her seed. He shall bruise thy head, and thou shalt bruise his heel."
Well, God wasn't just whistling Dixie.
Like a scene from a B-grade horror film, over 800 hunters are crashing through the swamp with guns and machetes this weekend. Their goal is to kill as many Burmese pythons as possible (between beers). Up to 180,000 Burmese pythons have invaded Everglades National Park. So, the park has declared open season on the dangerous snakes which can grow 20 feet long and weigh up to 200 lbs.
What could go wrong?
In one corner, we have drunken Rednecks! About 30 of them are licensed and experienced snake hunters. The majority only needed to buy a $25 permit and watch a 30 minute training seminar to participate in Florida's first big snake hunt. In the other corner, we have some of the largest constrictors in the world! Burmese pythons have camouflaged brown and black skin, can climb trees and stay underwater for up to 30 minutes. They've already reduced the local population of small native mammals such as rabbits, opossums, raccoons and bobcats by up to 99%. A few months ago, a 16-foot python was killed in Florida and found with a 76 lb. deer in it's stomach.
Perhaps, the hunt was really proposed by the pythons to cull the Redneck population.
Everglades National Park has been prudently closed to the general public from Jan. 12 to Feb. 10 for the duration of Python Challenge 2013. As of Thursday, the score stood Rednecks 21, Pythons 0. A record cold snap during the first two weeks of 2010 might have already killed off the pythons and left few to be found this year. The low temperatures are one reason the Python Challenge was held at this time. Wildlife officials hoped the cold-blooded snakes would sluggishly slither into the open to warm themselves in the sunlight. Personally, I think the obvious date to schedule a traditional snake drive would be St. Patrick's Day.
Python Challenge 2013 will pay prizes to the most successful snake hunters. The largest Burmese python killed will be worth $1,000. The hunter who kills the most pythons will win $1,500. Roadkill doesn't count. The rules followed by the pythons are unknown but probably similar.
The low number of snakes killed so far has not disappointed the organizers of Python Challenge 2013. They admit the hunt is unlikely to stem the population explosion of pythons in Florida. They say the hunt will teach a lot about Burmese pythons to the general public as well as the wildlife officials who are studying the problem.
The snake hunt has already attracted a couple of local celebrities. Democratic US Senator and beady-eyed-good-old-boy Bill Nelson futilely hunted the Everglades on Thursday. Another participant is self-made millionaire "Alligator Ron" Bergeron. Known for rodeo riding and gator wrestling, the 68-year-old rancher owns a fleet of air boats. However, he hunts pythons from a black air boat adorned with a portrait of him riding a gator.
So, has the state had any input into Python Challenge 2013? What does the Florida Wildlife Commission think of all this commotion in Everglades National Park? Oh. Alligator Ron is a Florida Wildlife Commissioner (Bark up the wrong tree, and you find a nut).
As the name suggests, Burmese pythons are native to southeast Asia. Ironically, they are endangered there because the snakes are killed for their skins and captured to sell as pets in ... wait for it ... America! About 99,000 Burmese pythons were imported to the US between 1996 and 2006 and were sold for as little as $20 each. When they grew up, or fell out of fashion, many of them were set free in the wild. The first Burmese python was spotted in the Everglades in 1979. However, the population didn't take off until 1992 when Hurricane Andrew hit a python breeder in Florida. The escaped pythons thrived in the isolated subtropical environment of southern Florida. And when a daddy snake finds a mommy snake and loves her very, very much (insert cheesy synthesizer music here). Female Burmese pythons can lay up to 100 eggs, and the hatchlings are larger and grow much faster than native Florida snakes.
The hunters are required to "humanely" kill their catches by shooting them in the head or decapitating them with a machete. Of course, the buzz killers at People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals don't see it that way. In a press release, PETA President Ingrid E. Newkirk states, "This bounty hunt is misguided in the first place, but allowing hunters to decapitate pythons, who remain alive and in agony and who will writhe for an hour even after their heads have been cut off - is despicably cruel. Many of these animals were once pets, who have since been thrown out like garbage, and the Florida Wildlife Commission has an obligation to ensure that they don't suffer any more than they already have."
What a stick-in-the-mud!
PETA called on Florida snake hunters to sheath their machetes and kill the pythons with a merciful gunshot to the head. Personally, I don't see how that is more humane. If the snake can writhe around for an hour without any head at all, then it's brain is not a vital organ. Then again, I could say the same about a lot of Rednecks. So, I suppose it's an even duel of wits out in the Everglades.
If you enjoyed this article, please click on one of the buttons below to leave a comment or share it with friends by email, Google, Facebook, Tweet, twit, squawk, cackle etc.
Saturday, January 19, 2013
A Sign of Respect
This sign stands in the parking lot of the Veterans of Foreign Wars in Old Englewood, Florida. Other institutions reserve parking spots for emergency vehicles, the employee of the month or the high muck-a-muck. This VFW clearly has a different priority.
Friday, January 18, 2013
Every Time He Thinks He's Out, They Pull him Back In.
By Rainbow Starr
Environmental Reporter
NAPLES, FLORIDA - Boo Boo the bear is back in his cage safe and sound.
Some residents of the Golden Gate area have kept their children inside since the 125 lb. grizzly cub escaped on Tuesday afternoon. After three days of searching, he was spotted by neighbors about two miles from his home late on Thursday. He was tranquilized and captured by authorities at about 1 p.m. today.
Boo Boo, his brother Yogi and their mother are part of a licensed attraction called, "A Grizzly Experience." Their owners also take the three bears to fairs and exhibits around the country and teach seminars on how to be safe near grizzly bears.
Authorities have yet to decide whether or not Boo Boo's owners should face charges or fines over the incident. They haven't even determined how Boo Boo escaped or how to prevent another breakout. After a brief taste of freedom, they'll never hold him. He's probably already working on a tunnel.
This is a follow-up to an earlier story entitled "Smarter than the Average Bear."
Environmental Reporter
NAPLES, FLORIDA - Boo Boo the bear is back in his cage safe and sound.
Some residents of the Golden Gate area have kept their children inside since the 125 lb. grizzly cub escaped on Tuesday afternoon. After three days of searching, he was spotted by neighbors about two miles from his home late on Thursday. He was tranquilized and captured by authorities at about 1 p.m. today.
Boo Boo, his brother Yogi and their mother are part of a licensed attraction called, "A Grizzly Experience." Their owners also take the three bears to fairs and exhibits around the country and teach seminars on how to be safe near grizzly bears.
Authorities have yet to decide whether or not Boo Boo's owners should face charges or fines over the incident. They haven't even determined how Boo Boo escaped or how to prevent another breakout. After a brief taste of freedom, they'll never hold him. He's probably already working on a tunnel.
This is a follow-up to an earlier story entitled "Smarter than the Average Bear."
Thursday, January 17, 2013
Smells Suspicious
This perfume at a local discount store has an odd name. When people put on perfume, usually they'd rather smell like something else. The package also says this perfume is ironically an impression of Believe by Brittany Spears. So, the makers aren't even trying to be themselves, they're trying to be Brittany Spears.
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
Smarter Than the Average Bear
By Rainbow Starr
Environmental Reporter
NAPLES, FLORIDA - Local authorities are scouring Golden Gate Estates for an escaped grizzly bear. State wildlife officers and Collier County deputies are searching on foot, by car and in a low flying helicopter. That's right. In CB radio jargon, they even have "a bear in the air."
Everyone is still wondering how the grizzly bear escaped on Tuesday morning. I'm wondering why there's a grizzly bear in Florida. It turns out a local resident has permits for the THREE grizzlies that he keeps in a cage behind his house. WHY? Because he uses them to teach local residents about being safe around grizzly bears. That's odd. Smaller black bears live in Florida. However, there are no grizzly bears in the Florida wilderness... until NOW! This guy has just created a need for his own seminars, and everyone in Naples is getting a free demo whether they want one or not!
The man owns an adult Mama bear and two cubs. Fortunately (and I use the word loosely), the escapee is one of the two-year-old cubs and not the big Mama. So, the cub, named Boo-Boo, ONLY weighs 125 lbs. An adult male grizzly can weigh up to ten times more. Boo-Boo is not aggressive, but authorities are advising area residents not to approach him. What if Boo-Boo approaches residents? Local authorities say people shouldn't run away. In the most questionable public safety tip since "duck and cover," local residents are advised to stand their ground, clap their hands loudly and shout, "Bear Go Home!"
Right.
If the neighbors believe that one, I have some swamp land I'd like to sell them in Florida. Wait! They already fell for that one!
Where did clapping hands as a defensive strategy come from? Is this one of the safety tips the owner has been teaching in his grizzly bear seminars? And I thought playing dead was bad advise for surviving a bear attack. I'll tell you what! If you and I are walking through Naples and Boo-Boo comes along, you stay and clap. I'll run like hell. After you applaud the grizzly bear for mauling you, you should be able to do a VERY convincing job of playing dead. By the time Boo-Boo Bear is done eating you, I'll have a healthy head start, and he'll be too bloated to catch me. That's my strategy for surviving a bear attack. Maybe I'll teach my own seminar.
This is Boo-Boo's first jaunt in the wild, and the two-year-old cub won't know how to survive. So, nearby residents have been advised to thoroughly secure their garbage. Authorities hope that Boo-Boo will find his way home. They are also trying to use his brother, Yogi, to lure him out of the forest. Based on their names, I'd recommend using picnic baskets as bait, but, hey, what do I know? The whole clapping thing was news to me ...
This story of Boo-Boo's breakout is concluded in "Every Time He Thinks He's Out, They Pull Him Back In."
Environmental Reporter
NAPLES, FLORIDA - Local authorities are scouring Golden Gate Estates for an escaped grizzly bear. State wildlife officers and Collier County deputies are searching on foot, by car and in a low flying helicopter. That's right. In CB radio jargon, they even have "a bear in the air."
Everyone is still wondering how the grizzly bear escaped on Tuesday morning. I'm wondering why there's a grizzly bear in Florida. It turns out a local resident has permits for the THREE grizzlies that he keeps in a cage behind his house. WHY? Because he uses them to teach local residents about being safe around grizzly bears. That's odd. Smaller black bears live in Florida. However, there are no grizzly bears in the Florida wilderness... until NOW! This guy has just created a need for his own seminars, and everyone in Naples is getting a free demo whether they want one or not!
The man owns an adult Mama bear and two cubs. Fortunately (and I use the word loosely), the escapee is one of the two-year-old cubs and not the big Mama. So, the cub, named Boo-Boo, ONLY weighs 125 lbs. An adult male grizzly can weigh up to ten times more. Boo-Boo is not aggressive, but authorities are advising area residents not to approach him. What if Boo-Boo approaches residents? Local authorities say people shouldn't run away. In the most questionable public safety tip since "duck and cover," local residents are advised to stand their ground, clap their hands loudly and shout, "Bear Go Home!"
Right.
If the neighbors believe that one, I have some swamp land I'd like to sell them in Florida. Wait! They already fell for that one!
Where did clapping hands as a defensive strategy come from? Is this one of the safety tips the owner has been teaching in his grizzly bear seminars? And I thought playing dead was bad advise for surviving a bear attack. I'll tell you what! If you and I are walking through Naples and Boo-Boo comes along, you stay and clap. I'll run like hell. After you applaud the grizzly bear for mauling you, you should be able to do a VERY convincing job of playing dead. By the time Boo-Boo Bear is done eating you, I'll have a healthy head start, and he'll be too bloated to catch me. That's my strategy for surviving a bear attack. Maybe I'll teach my own seminar.
This is Boo-Boo's first jaunt in the wild, and the two-year-old cub won't know how to survive. So, nearby residents have been advised to thoroughly secure their garbage. Authorities hope that Boo-Boo will find his way home. They are also trying to use his brother, Yogi, to lure him out of the forest. Based on their names, I'd recommend using picnic baskets as bait, but, hey, what do I know? The whole clapping thing was news to me ...
This story of Boo-Boo's breakout is concluded in "Every Time He Thinks He's Out, They Pull Him Back In."
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
Obama Destroys Death Star with The Farce
By Nicola Braun
Science Reporter
WASHINGTON, D.C. - There has been a tremendous disturbance in the Force, as if 34,435 geeks cried out together and were suddenly silenced.
A petition to build a Death Star by 2016 has been shot down by US President Barack Obama. The petition started in November on the White House's official We the People website. Obama has a standing promise to reply to any petition there that gains more than 25,000 signatures. So, thousands of smart and educated geeks decided to use this avenue to waste government time and money rather than do something constructive.
Their proposal claims that building a Death Star would improve national defense and generate a lot of new jobs. On Friday, an official reply titled, "This Isn't the Petition Response You're Looking For" was issued by Paul Shawcross, chief science weenie at the White House Office of Management and Budget. As the title suggests, the response is full of hip insider references to the Star Wars films.
The White House lists three reasons for not building a Death Star. The Obama administration does not approve of blowing up planets. At a time when the White House is struggling to reduce the federal deficit, a Death Star would cost a budget-busting $850 quadrillion. Don't let it be said that Obama is so liberal that he never met an expensive public program he didn't want to fund. Shawcross also pointed out that the giant space station had a fatal Achilles Heel in the form of a two-meter-wide-shaft leading directly to the reactor core. This design flaw allowed Luke Skywalker to destroy the Death Star from a small X-wing fighter with a far more economical price tag.
The online discussion does not mention the fact that we don't have the technology to exceed the speed of light or build a laser that can destroy an entire planet. The $850 quadrillion price tag only covers the initial construction cost and not the ongoing payroll for manning a space station the size of a moon.
In his response, Shawcross lists many recent scientific discoveries and accomplishments by NASA in a futile attempt to appease the sci-fi fans behind the Death Star petition. This includes the International Space Station, a five-bedroom satellite the size of a football field that cost a paltry $100 billion to put into orbit.
"We are living in the future! Enjoy it," Shawcross exalts, "Or, better yet, help build it by pursuing a career in science, technology, engineering or math-related field."
Don't despair, science fiction nerds. Another petition to build the starship Enterprise has already gathered over 19,000 signatures in the past month.
Science Reporter
WASHINGTON, D.C. - There has been a tremendous disturbance in the Force, as if 34,435 geeks cried out together and were suddenly silenced.
A petition to build a Death Star by 2016 has been shot down by US President Barack Obama. The petition started in November on the White House's official We the People website. Obama has a standing promise to reply to any petition there that gains more than 25,000 signatures. So, thousands of smart and educated geeks decided to use this avenue to waste government time and money rather than do something constructive.
Their proposal claims that building a Death Star would improve national defense and generate a lot of new jobs. On Friday, an official reply titled, "This Isn't the Petition Response You're Looking For" was issued by Paul Shawcross, chief science weenie at the White House Office of Management and Budget. As the title suggests, the response is full of hip insider references to the Star Wars films.
The White House lists three reasons for not building a Death Star. The Obama administration does not approve of blowing up planets. At a time when the White House is struggling to reduce the federal deficit, a Death Star would cost a budget-busting $850 quadrillion. Don't let it be said that Obama is so liberal that he never met an expensive public program he didn't want to fund. Shawcross also pointed out that the giant space station had a fatal Achilles Heel in the form of a two-meter-wide-shaft leading directly to the reactor core. This design flaw allowed Luke Skywalker to destroy the Death Star from a small X-wing fighter with a far more economical price tag.
The online discussion does not mention the fact that we don't have the technology to exceed the speed of light or build a laser that can destroy an entire planet. The $850 quadrillion price tag only covers the initial construction cost and not the ongoing payroll for manning a space station the size of a moon.
In his response, Shawcross lists many recent scientific discoveries and accomplishments by NASA in a futile attempt to appease the sci-fi fans behind the Death Star petition. This includes the International Space Station, a five-bedroom satellite the size of a football field that cost a paltry $100 billion to put into orbit.
"We are living in the future! Enjoy it," Shawcross exalts, "Or, better yet, help build it by pursuing a career in science, technology, engineering or math-related field."
Don't despair, science fiction nerds. Another petition to build the starship Enterprise has already gathered over 19,000 signatures in the past month.
Saturday, January 12, 2013
What Did That Sign Say?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)