By Ralph Zenith
Business Reporter
ENGLEWOOD, FLORIDA - A local bank gave me a gift for opening a new account on Wednesday. It was a coffee mug wrapped in floral gift paper and stuffed with free goodies! I couldn't wait to get home and take an inventory of my loot. Inside the mug stood two dark blue fake flowers. I gave them to my sister. The mug also contained a small, chalky breath mint and a handful of mint Lifesavers. I don't like mint flavor. So, I poured them into my sister's living room candy jar. I considered it a token repayment for all of the caramel bull's-eyes I've scoffed down over the years. (love those!)
The coffee mug, and everything else in it, was branded with the bank logo for free advertising. I don't blame them. I can't wait to order similar swag for promoting Silly News. There was a small bottle of hand sanitizer. Every time I get a gift basket of swag, it includes hand sanitizer. Either I look like I just climbed out of a cesspool or businesses don't think very highly of the great unwashed masses in general! Anyway, I hear kids are getting high on hand sanitizer these days. So, it had some potential value.
The mug also contained lip balm. I don't have much need for lip balm in the sultry state of Florida. My favorite piece of swag was a heavy-duty letter opener that doubles as a 6-inch ruler. Neat! Finally, there was a small foam football. I guess I'm supposed to squeeze it in the palm of my hand to relieve stress.
All right. Let's sum up! According to the cornucopia of swag from my bank, I am a stressed out, coffee drinker with chapped lips, dirty hands and bad breath ...
Lucky guess.
