By Mark Lucas
News Editor
EARTH - Silly News went on line in late September. Since then, we have published 59 blog entries that have been read by over 2,500 visitors. Thanks for visiting us, and we hope you've had a few laughs. We'd like to conclude 2012 with a list of our 10 most popular stories of the year, based upon how many times they have been read. If you've missed any of them, you might want to go to the archive in the right margin and give them a look. Here is a countdown of our Best of the Best in 2012.
10. Dominatrix Barbie, Nov. 29, 2012 with 28 hits. A short story with a photo of a new Barbie doll that comes dressed in PVC and fishnet black stockings.
9. No Sign of Birds, Nov. 29, 2012 with 31 hits. Rainbow Starr's visit to a Florida wildlife sanctuary with some very humorous trail signs.
8. The Puppet Apocalypse Begins, Nov. 2, 2012. also with 31 hits. Hundreds of puppeteers marched on Washington D.C. with their puppets to protest against Mitt Romney's threat to fire Big Bird.
7. People Caught by Squirrel Traps, Oct. 1, 2012. with 32 hits. A Florida neighborhood feuds over trapping squirrels.
6. Tickle Me, Elmo Honey, Nov. 26, 2012. with 33 hits. The puppeteer of Elmo resigns amid charges of pediphelia.
5. Alleged Cannibal Puppeteer Pleads Not Guilty. Oct. 12, 2012. with 35 hits. Title says it all.
4. A Sign from Heaven. with 40 hits. A caption with a photo of a humorous sign outside a Florida church.
3. The Over-the-Hill Gang. Nov. 8, 2012. with 46 hits. An elderly crime wave strikes Florida.
2. Just a Flesh Wound. Oct. 14, 2012. with 63 hits. The president of Mauritania is accidentally shot by his own troops.
1. Gaga Gags at Gig. Oct. 11, 2012. with 114 hits. A strange trend of pop rock stars vomiting on stage.
In addition to this countdown of our most popular stories, I'd also like to name my personal favorite story from the first year of our publication. "Worst Hostage Ever" published on Oct. 17, 2012 is about a robber who abducted an expensive sex doll at knife point from a porn shop. It only had 20 hits, but in my opinion it is the craziest and funniest story so far printed at www.silly-news.com
Please join us in 2013 for more weird but true news stories from all around the world.
Happy New Year to All!
Monday, December 31, 2012
Sunday, December 30, 2012
The Mounties Always Get Their Syrup
By Scoop Cooper
Crime Reporter
KEDGWICK, CANADA - A total of 18 people have been arrested and charged with stealing 9,600 barrels of maple syrup. Actually, they siphoned off the syrup and left the empty barrels behind. I doubt the thieves actually clamped hoses in their lips and sucked until they turned blue. Yet, given the viscosity of syrup, it sounds like like a long, slow heist. It was. Somehow, the tons of syrup was gradually drained away from August 2011 to July 2012 without anyone noticing. An alarming number of empty barrels was finally discovered on August 24 at a huge distribution center in Saint-Louis-de-Blandford.
The distribution center is owned by a maple syrup cartel (yes there really is such a thing) called the Federation of Quebec Maple Syrup Producers. The Federation administers a bulk sale system for 7,500 maple syrup producers. In fact, their warehouse, about 100 miles southwest of Quebec City, contains a total of 3.4 million liters of syrup. That's 10% of all the maple syrup produced by Quebec, and Quebec produces 75% of all the maple syrup in the world.
The missing syrup is insured for $18 million, debunking the assumption that Canada has nothing worth stealing.
Quick as molasses, the stolen syrup was tracked down by the Royal Canadian Mounted Police late in December. Backed up by the local police, the mounties seized 400,000 pounds of the hot syrup from S.K. Export, an export company in Kedgwick, New Brunswick. Authorities seek to arrest seven more suspects in connection with the theft. Personally, I'd look for anyone with sticky hands, hearty lungs and lips like a vice. Then again, that does describe most Canadians.
Saturday, December 29, 2012
No Friend of Bill W.
By Scoop Cooper
Crime Reporter
DORSET, VERMONT - A man from Marlboro, Massachusetts has been charged with drunk driving after driving his car onto the lawn of a historic house. According to State Police, the 55-year-old man was so drunk he drove onto the lawn of the Wilson House because he thought it was a parking lot. Built in 1852, the home is called the Wilson House because William Wilson, a founder of Alcoholics Anonymous, was born there. Several AA meetings per week are still held at the site.
The accused drunk driver is scheduled to appear in Bennington court on January 14. If he's sentenced to attend AA, at least he'll know how to get to the meetings.
Crime Reporter
DORSET, VERMONT - A man from Marlboro, Massachusetts has been charged with drunk driving after driving his car onto the lawn of a historic house. According to State Police, the 55-year-old man was so drunk he drove onto the lawn of the Wilson House because he thought it was a parking lot. Built in 1852, the home is called the Wilson House because William Wilson, a founder of Alcoholics Anonymous, was born there. Several AA meetings per week are still held at the site.
The accused drunk driver is scheduled to appear in Bennington court on January 14. If he's sentenced to attend AA, at least he'll know how to get to the meetings.
Thursday, December 27, 2012
What the Grinch Stole this Christmas
By Scoop Cooper
Crime Reporter
ORLANDO, FLORIDA - Where does an 800 pound gorilla statue go? Quite a few places, actually.
Just before Thanksgiving, a 4-foot-tall bronze statue of a gorilla was stolen from the Metropolitan Express hotel. This already poses three questions. Why did the hotel have a giant bronze statue of a gorilla? Why would someone steal it and how?
Well, the hotel is decorated with a jungle theme, including not one, but two, gorilla statues. The other one has been chained to a tree since the theft. The stolen gorilla stood beside the hotel pool, until someone pushed it into the water. It took 10 hotel workers to get it out and move it outside the pool fence. So, they were surprised when the statue disappeared. They suspected that drunks took it after a nearby bar closed at 2:30 a.m. November 24. Why? Well, the 800 pound bronze statue is worth between $5,000 and $8,000.
In early December, the statue was found about four miles from the hotel by a man walking his dog. It looked like someone had backed up a truck and dumped it into the brush. The statue slid easily across the wet leaves on the ground. With the help of ONE friend and a dolly, they delivered it to the nearby doorstep of a mutual friend. So, the 10 hotel workers who moved the gorilla initially were either lazy or weak or both.
Anyway, the mutual friend was startled when he returned home later to find a giant gorilla standing inexplicably on his doorstep. He left it standing on his porch for three weeks. Then, on Tuesday, he did a Google search for a missing bronze gorilla and found an article about the mysterious statue. It was a Christmas Miracle!
Police are not filing any charges in connection with the incident. The hotel just needs to retrieve the heavy statue. Perhaps, they will send 10 weakling staff workers to pick it up like a bunch of bumbling Keystone Cops. There is no formal reward for the return of the statue. However, the bartender at the hotel's Tiki bar did offer a free round of Christmas spirits for anyone who helped to find the wayward gorilla.
Crime Reporter
ORLANDO, FLORIDA - Where does an 800 pound gorilla statue go? Quite a few places, actually.
Just before Thanksgiving, a 4-foot-tall bronze statue of a gorilla was stolen from the Metropolitan Express hotel. This already poses three questions. Why did the hotel have a giant bronze statue of a gorilla? Why would someone steal it and how?
Well, the hotel is decorated with a jungle theme, including not one, but two, gorilla statues. The other one has been chained to a tree since the theft. The stolen gorilla stood beside the hotel pool, until someone pushed it into the water. It took 10 hotel workers to get it out and move it outside the pool fence. So, they were surprised when the statue disappeared. They suspected that drunks took it after a nearby bar closed at 2:30 a.m. November 24. Why? Well, the 800 pound bronze statue is worth between $5,000 and $8,000.
In early December, the statue was found about four miles from the hotel by a man walking his dog. It looked like someone had backed up a truck and dumped it into the brush. The statue slid easily across the wet leaves on the ground. With the help of ONE friend and a dolly, they delivered it to the nearby doorstep of a mutual friend. So, the 10 hotel workers who moved the gorilla initially were either lazy or weak or both.
Anyway, the mutual friend was startled when he returned home later to find a giant gorilla standing inexplicably on his doorstep. He left it standing on his porch for three weeks. Then, on Tuesday, he did a Google search for a missing bronze gorilla and found an article about the mysterious statue. It was a Christmas Miracle!
Police are not filing any charges in connection with the incident. The hotel just needs to retrieve the heavy statue. Perhaps, they will send 10 weakling staff workers to pick it up like a bunch of bumbling Keystone Cops. There is no formal reward for the return of the statue. However, the bartender at the hotel's Tiki bar did offer a free round of Christmas spirits for anyone who helped to find the wayward gorilla.
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
Too Big to Die
By Scoop Cooper
Crime Reporter
COLUMBUS, OHIO - A convicted murderer, who claimed to be too fat to kill, has cheated the executioner.
He was found guilty of fatally shooting a clerk during a 1983 robbery. While waiting on death row, he put on a great deal of weight. Why not? If I were going to die anyway, it'd be chocolate eclairs and bacon pizza 24/7. However, his lawyers claimed the prison food was fattening, and his back and knee problems made it difficult to exercise, especially after the exercise bike in the gymn broke under his weight.
The fat man's mouthpieces argued that he could not be humanely killed back in September, when he weighed in at 480 pounds. They feared he would crush the gurney when they rolled him out for the lethal injection. However, the warden released photos of the execution gurney supporting over 500 pounds of dumbbells. Apparently, the prison gymn has more exercise equipment than just one bike.
The legal arguments bounced off the prisoner's invulnerable armor of blubber. Prison doctors really did have a hard time finding his veins beneath the flab. If they injected the poison directly into his muscles, the execution could take several days of intense pain. Alternately, they could uncover his veins directly by cutting down through the fat in a process that sounds too grisly to explore.
The January 16, 2013 execution was finally canceled. On Monday, Governor John Kasich commuted his death sentence to life imprisonment without parole. Ironically, weight was not the issue. The governor found that in the original trial, the fat man had poor legal representation. Really? His legal team seems pretty good to me. They staved off execution for almost 30 years while their client ate his way off death row.
However, this is still a cautionary tale. Be careful what you wish for. After all, the convicted murderer put on all that weight for nothing. Dieting is hell. Now, he's trapped, with a bad back and a bad knee, in a prison with limited exercise facilities until the day he dies ... and at 53 years old and 480 pounds that won't be long.
Justice may be blind, but she has a twisted sense of humor.
Crime Reporter
COLUMBUS, OHIO - A convicted murderer, who claimed to be too fat to kill, has cheated the executioner.
He was found guilty of fatally shooting a clerk during a 1983 robbery. While waiting on death row, he put on a great deal of weight. Why not? If I were going to die anyway, it'd be chocolate eclairs and bacon pizza 24/7. However, his lawyers claimed the prison food was fattening, and his back and knee problems made it difficult to exercise, especially after the exercise bike in the gymn broke under his weight.
The fat man's mouthpieces argued that he could not be humanely killed back in September, when he weighed in at 480 pounds. They feared he would crush the gurney when they rolled him out for the lethal injection. However, the warden released photos of the execution gurney supporting over 500 pounds of dumbbells. Apparently, the prison gymn has more exercise equipment than just one bike.
The legal arguments bounced off the prisoner's invulnerable armor of blubber. Prison doctors really did have a hard time finding his veins beneath the flab. If they injected the poison directly into his muscles, the execution could take several days of intense pain. Alternately, they could uncover his veins directly by cutting down through the fat in a process that sounds too grisly to explore.
The January 16, 2013 execution was finally canceled. On Monday, Governor John Kasich commuted his death sentence to life imprisonment without parole. Ironically, weight was not the issue. The governor found that in the original trial, the fat man had poor legal representation. Really? His legal team seems pretty good to me. They staved off execution for almost 30 years while their client ate his way off death row.
However, this is still a cautionary tale. Be careful what you wish for. After all, the convicted murderer put on all that weight for nothing. Dieting is hell. Now, he's trapped, with a bad back and a bad knee, in a prison with limited exercise facilities until the day he dies ... and at 53 years old and 480 pounds that won't be long.
Justice may be blind, but she has a twisted sense of humor.
Kevlar for Christmas?
By Ralph Zenith
Business Reporter
Every cloud has a silver lining, and this one is bulletproof.
The stock of firearms manufacturers may be plunging because of the political rhetoric to restrict US gun ownership. However, the flip side of the civilian arms race is seeing an unprecedented boom.
A Massachusetts body armor maker, called Bullet Blocker, was more creative with its products than with its name. It makes children's backpacks that look normal but are actually bulletproof. Starting Friday, sales of these knapsacks multiplied 10 times.
Amendment II is a maker of body armor based in Salt Lake City, Utah. After selling products to police and military customers for years, it began inserting bulletproof material into child backpacks six months ago. It was a small, niche item until last week. Since then, sales have skyrocketed 500%. Selling for as little at $300, the backpacks contain 10 ounces of material that will stop a bullet from a .357 Magnum handgun.
Amendment II is donating a portion of its bulletproof knapsack sales to the families of children who were killed at the Sandy Hook Elementary School in Connecticut.
Business Reporter
Every cloud has a silver lining, and this one is bulletproof.
The stock of firearms manufacturers may be plunging because of the political rhetoric to restrict US gun ownership. However, the flip side of the civilian arms race is seeing an unprecedented boom.
A Massachusetts body armor maker, called Bullet Blocker, was more creative with its products than with its name. It makes children's backpacks that look normal but are actually bulletproof. Starting Friday, sales of these knapsacks multiplied 10 times.
Amendment II is a maker of body armor based in Salt Lake City, Utah. After selling products to police and military customers for years, it began inserting bulletproof material into child backpacks six months ago. It was a small, niche item until last week. Since then, sales have skyrocketed 500%. Selling for as little at $300, the backpacks contain 10 ounces of material that will stop a bullet from a .357 Magnum handgun.
Amendment II is donating a portion of its bulletproof knapsack sales to the families of children who were killed at the Sandy Hook Elementary School in Connecticut.
Tuesday, December 18, 2012
Guns, Guns Everywhere, but Not a Drop of Sense
By Scoop Cooper
Crime Reporter
FLORIDA - The heightened paranoia of local schools is already clashing with the gun-loving culture of this southern state.
On Monday afternoon, a very drunk grandfather was arrested after testing the security of two Port Charlotte schools. His first stop was Kingsway Elementary School. When confronted by two workers at 2 p.m., he asked if they were the "increased security" measures. They said yes. He asked if they were armed. They weren't. So, the 61-year-old trespasser asked if he could bring a gun to the school. They said no. They also kicked him out because he was drunk.
The undaunted grandpa arrived at Port Charlotte Middle School about 20 minutes later. The School Resource officer found him stumbling around the parking lot. Again, he asked if the school worker was armed and if he could bring a gun to the school. He should've asked if the resource officer was packing a cell phone. He called the Charlotte County police. The deputies found an unopened can of beer on the passenger seat of grandpa's car. They towed his car and arrested him on two counts of disrupting a school function. He has already been released on $1,000 bond.
It turns out, the 61-year-old Port Charlotte man does not even own a gun. He was moved to test the security of local schools out of concern for his grandchild's safety. In subsequent interviews, he admitted his drunken tour of inspection was a bad idea. However, he pointed out that if he had been a real gunman, the unarmed school workers who confronted him, could've done little more than absorb the first bullets he fired. Apparently, words of wisdom flow out of the mouths of drunk old rednecks as well as babes.
Meanwhile, up in Hillsborough County, Florida, a bullet was found on a school bus Monday. Three local schools were placed in lockdown. Eventually, a Wharton High School student confessed that he had found the bullet on the ground on his way to school, and it fell out of his pocket during the bus ride.
This morning, an eighth-grade student found two more bullets on the floor of a school bus in Hillsborough County. When the bus reached Greco Middle School, the students were searched one at a time by school security and Temple Terrace police officers. No firearms or additional bullets were found.
However, the same bus was also ridden by high school students in Tampa. So, the ironically named Freedom High School, was placed in lockdown. Tampa police tracked down all the students who rode the bus in question. Each student was yanked out of class, searched and questioned. This time, no additional bullets and no explanations were discovered.
Statistics could not be obtained regarding how many students have been injured by tripping over all the loose ammo rolling around the floors of Florida school buses.
Crime Reporter
FLORIDA - The heightened paranoia of local schools is already clashing with the gun-loving culture of this southern state.
On Monday afternoon, a very drunk grandfather was arrested after testing the security of two Port Charlotte schools. His first stop was Kingsway Elementary School. When confronted by two workers at 2 p.m., he asked if they were the "increased security" measures. They said yes. He asked if they were armed. They weren't. So, the 61-year-old trespasser asked if he could bring a gun to the school. They said no. They also kicked him out because he was drunk.
The undaunted grandpa arrived at Port Charlotte Middle School about 20 minutes later. The School Resource officer found him stumbling around the parking lot. Again, he asked if the school worker was armed and if he could bring a gun to the school. He should've asked if the resource officer was packing a cell phone. He called the Charlotte County police. The deputies found an unopened can of beer on the passenger seat of grandpa's car. They towed his car and arrested him on two counts of disrupting a school function. He has already been released on $1,000 bond.
It turns out, the 61-year-old Port Charlotte man does not even own a gun. He was moved to test the security of local schools out of concern for his grandchild's safety. In subsequent interviews, he admitted his drunken tour of inspection was a bad idea. However, he pointed out that if he had been a real gunman, the unarmed school workers who confronted him, could've done little more than absorb the first bullets he fired. Apparently, words of wisdom flow out of the mouths of drunk old rednecks as well as babes.
Meanwhile, up in Hillsborough County, Florida, a bullet was found on a school bus Monday. Three local schools were placed in lockdown. Eventually, a Wharton High School student confessed that he had found the bullet on the ground on his way to school, and it fell out of his pocket during the bus ride.
This morning, an eighth-grade student found two more bullets on the floor of a school bus in Hillsborough County. When the bus reached Greco Middle School, the students were searched one at a time by school security and Temple Terrace police officers. No firearms or additional bullets were found.
However, the same bus was also ridden by high school students in Tampa. So, the ironically named Freedom High School, was placed in lockdown. Tampa police tracked down all the students who rode the bus in question. Each student was yanked out of class, searched and questioned. This time, no additional bullets and no explanations were discovered.
Statistics could not be obtained regarding how many students have been injured by tripping over all the loose ammo rolling around the floors of Florida school buses.
Monday, December 17, 2012
Mall Santa Sacked
By Ralph Zenith
Business Reporter
SOUTH PORTLAND, MAINE - So, Evil Elmo isn't the only beloved children's character to recently turn against his fans.
A South Portland mall is replacing its Santa for naughty behavior. Parents complained that he was rude and grumpy. He wouldn't let a six-year-old girl sit on his lap, after her mother declined to purchase a $20 photo of their visit. When the little girl asked for an American Girl doll, Kringle replied that she'd just get an American football. After mom posted the incident online, other parents stepped forward with similar complaints.
It sounds like that is one Santa Claus who needs more Christmas spirits to raise his Christmas spirit. Now, he has one more reason for the Winter Blues. To paraphrase The Princess Bride, he is "rejected, fat, unemployed, unloved ... In MAINE!"
Business Reporter
SOUTH PORTLAND, MAINE - So, Evil Elmo isn't the only beloved children's character to recently turn against his fans.
A South Portland mall is replacing its Santa for naughty behavior. Parents complained that he was rude and grumpy. He wouldn't let a six-year-old girl sit on his lap, after her mother declined to purchase a $20 photo of their visit. When the little girl asked for an American Girl doll, Kringle replied that she'd just get an American football. After mom posted the incident online, other parents stepped forward with similar complaints.
It sounds like that is one Santa Claus who needs more Christmas spirits to raise his Christmas spirit. Now, he has one more reason for the Winter Blues. To paraphrase The Princess Bride, he is "rejected, fat, unemployed, unloved ... In MAINE!"
Too Many Cooks Spoil the Shot
By Scoop Cooper
Crime Reporter
FLORIDA - Sometimes two serious headlines become crazy due to their proximity to each other. An example can be found in the Wire Section of the December 13 Englewood Sun. On page 5, one headline reads, "Fla. at 1 million with concealed weapons." The headline immediately below reads, "Police: Man fatally shot roommate over dinner."
Coincidence? Or are the editors making a subtle connection between the two stories?
Florida has already issued more permits to carry concealed weapons than any other state in the nation. The number is expected to reach 1 million sometime this week. So, any senior citizen you bump into could be packing a firearm. In Florida, there is also no legal requirement to back down from a fight. Starting trouble with ANYONE can dangerously escalate. The resulting cordiality is commonly called "Southern Hospitality."
Unfortunately, the story under the second headline demonstrates that Southern Hospitality doesn't always work in practice. Allegedly, a 55-year-old man often returned drunk to his apartment in Holly Hill and argued violently with his roommate. On December 11, he confessed to shooting his roommate twice in the head during a dispute over the best way to prepare pork chops for dinner.
Crime Reporter
FLORIDA - Sometimes two serious headlines become crazy due to their proximity to each other. An example can be found in the Wire Section of the December 13 Englewood Sun. On page 5, one headline reads, "Fla. at 1 million with concealed weapons." The headline immediately below reads, "Police: Man fatally shot roommate over dinner."
Coincidence? Or are the editors making a subtle connection between the two stories?
Florida has already issued more permits to carry concealed weapons than any other state in the nation. The number is expected to reach 1 million sometime this week. So, any senior citizen you bump into could be packing a firearm. In Florida, there is also no legal requirement to back down from a fight. Starting trouble with ANYONE can dangerously escalate. The resulting cordiality is commonly called "Southern Hospitality."
Unfortunately, the story under the second headline demonstrates that Southern Hospitality doesn't always work in practice. Allegedly, a 55-year-old man often returned drunk to his apartment in Holly Hill and argued violently with his roommate. On December 11, he confessed to shooting his roommate twice in the head during a dispute over the best way to prepare pork chops for dinner.
Monday, December 3, 2012
Edible Deodorant
By Nicola Braun
Science Reporter
BULGARIA - Just when you thought American swine couldn't get any fatter, modern science produces a new excuse for them to gobble up sweets.
Anyone who eats Deo Perfume Candy comes out smelling like roses, literally. The new candy contains a sweet scented rose oil. One serving (four pieces) of candy, will give a 145 pound person a cloying body odor for up to six hours. That shouldn't pose a problem for Americans, who already eat so much sugar that they sweat it from their pores. However, the candy maker may need to revise its recommended dosage since most Americans weigh far more than 145 pounds.
Deo Perfume Candy is the product of a truly international collaboration. It was invented by Bulgarian confectioner Alpi and American health and nutrition company Beneo based on research by Japanese scientists. Stores already sell bags of Deo Candy to the less smelly citizens of Germany, China, Spain, Korea and Armenia. Stinking Americans can only buy Deo online for $10 bag. However, the first batch offered by Amazon.com has already sold out. Fortunately, a Dutch company is developing a similar product called Swallowable Parfum to help meet the demand. So, hopefully the problem of fat, smelly Americans will soon resolve itself.
Science Reporter
BULGARIA - Just when you thought American swine couldn't get any fatter, modern science produces a new excuse for them to gobble up sweets.
Anyone who eats Deo Perfume Candy comes out smelling like roses, literally. The new candy contains a sweet scented rose oil. One serving (four pieces) of candy, will give a 145 pound person a cloying body odor for up to six hours. That shouldn't pose a problem for Americans, who already eat so much sugar that they sweat it from their pores. However, the candy maker may need to revise its recommended dosage since most Americans weigh far more than 145 pounds.
Deo Perfume Candy is the product of a truly international collaboration. It was invented by Bulgarian confectioner Alpi and American health and nutrition company Beneo based on research by Japanese scientists. Stores already sell bags of Deo Candy to the less smelly citizens of Germany, China, Spain, Korea and Armenia. Stinking Americans can only buy Deo online for $10 bag. However, the first batch offered by Amazon.com has already sold out. Fortunately, a Dutch company is developing a similar product called Swallowable Parfum to help meet the demand. So, hopefully the problem of fat, smelly Americans will soon resolve itself.
Thursday, November 29, 2012
No Sign of Birds
By Rainbow Starr
Environmental Reporter
PUNTA GORDA, FLORIDA - Part time residents of this area are called snowbirds. They live most of the year further North. They flock to SW Florida to escape the snow between Halloween and Easter.
The same is true for many actual birds in this area. They don't migrate through Florida in the spring and fall. This is actually their final destination. These birds are said to "winter over" until they fly North again in the spring. My recent sightings of several new ducks encouraged me to go bird watching again on Thursday afternoon. This time I ventured further inland. I spent several hours trooping around the trails at the Charlotte Harbor Environmental Center. Affectionately referred to as CHEC, it is a non-profit, private wildlife refuge at 10941 Burnt Store Road. It sits in the protected area around Charlotte Harbor that is likely to flood if the waters rise. So, I figured I should explore the place before global warming goes too far.
This was only my second visit to CHEC, and it may well be my last. Not only did I see few birds, for most of my hike, I didn't even HEAR any birds. Except for the rustling of leaves and branches in the wind, everything was completely silent. I felt like I was bird watching after the apocalypse.
I'm not saying there was no wildlife at the CHEC. During the first hour, I jumped out of my skin when a big black racer snake slithered noisily into the dry underbrush. During the second hour, my hiking companion almost stepped on a glass lizard. That legless green reptile looks just like a snake. It gets its name from the ability to snap off its tail to befuddle a predator. As the tail flaps by reflex in the jaws of an attacker, the main body of the glass lizard can slither away. I swear, the lizard actually sacrifices most of its body so the remainder can escape. This seems like a wasteful survival tactic to me. It is only surpassed by the local poisonous tree frogs. Any predator that swallows one of them dies with convulsions about 24 hours later. How does that help the frog? Their natural defense is to leave a bad aftertaste.
As a newly minted graduate of the Florida Master Naturalist Program, my fellow hiker found more to interest her at CHEC than I did. While I futilely scanned overhead for birds, she found mushrooms, moss, grass, coffee plants and exotic flowers one the ground. Many of these things were conveniently labeled by small signs and plaques by the side of the trails. We grew spoiled. When we found a sign about bald eagles, we were disappointed there wasn't one perched right behind it.
Some of the other signs at CHEC were less helpful and more puzzling.
This sign seemed to suggest that the hawk eats the sun to complete the circle of life.
Small white arrows helped us follow the hiking trails at CHEC. At one point, even these simple arrows seemed to lead us astray. The hiker in the photo below was justifiably confused about which sign to believe.
Seriously, why would the trail lead hikers into the jaws of alligators?
The trail blazers at CHEC employed the process of elimination with some of their signs. It may have been a bit overgrown, but that was definitely a trail beside this sign. I wasn't sure what to make of it. Were they hiding something down there? They may as well have posted a sign reading, "Turn back! There's nothing to see here! Move along!"
Many plaques and statues in Florida are just monuments to the people who paid for them. They do nothing to educate tourists. They are just covered with the names of the donors and fundraisers. On some of the wooden bridges and boardwalks at CHEC, every single timber is etched with the names and sentiments of contributors.
I didn't know Mr. Derrick. Unless he was a dried up, dead twig, this plaque doesn't do him justice.
Our futile hike ended at the CHEC observation blind. We quietly entered the back of the shack and sat at a large window overlooking a bunch of bird baths, bird houses and bird feeders. I felt like the witness of a crime sitting behind a one-way mirror on CSI. Unfortunately, the bird feeders were empty of seed as well as birds. At least we saw some vultures, herons and a bald eagle flying above the treetops. However, those are pretty easy to see anywhere in SW Florida.
Eventually, a solitary palm warbler arrived at the blind (one of the most abundant birds in SW Florida). He perched on a low branch and nervously looked around for about 10 minutes before dropping down to take a sip of water. When I stood to get a better view, the warbler flew away. Suspiciously, I walked around the front of the "observation blind." Sure enough, the birds could see us inside as clear as day. I don't think CHEC understands what "observation blind" really means.
We were leaving CHEC in abject defeat when we came upon a gopher tortoise munching on some grass. He was standing in the middle of some fire ant mounds. So, I have to salute the turtle's resolve even as I question his judgment. We also saw a large gator laying beside a pond near the visitor center.
The sun was literally setting as we walked to the parking lot. Of course, that's when CHEC sprang to life! We finally saw a red-shoulder hawk perched in the distance and a great horned owl, perched low beside the entry road. We even scared off a big, black wild pig that was rummaging around the CHEC administrative buildings. We saw more wildlife in the last five minutes of our hike than in the first three hours.
The forest was beautiful and the weather couldn't have been nicer. However, as a bird watching destination, the CHEC is a great place to see reptiles.
Environmental Reporter
PUNTA GORDA, FLORIDA - Part time residents of this area are called snowbirds. They live most of the year further North. They flock to SW Florida to escape the snow between Halloween and Easter.
The same is true for many actual birds in this area. They don't migrate through Florida in the spring and fall. This is actually their final destination. These birds are said to "winter over" until they fly North again in the spring. My recent sightings of several new ducks encouraged me to go bird watching again on Thursday afternoon. This time I ventured further inland. I spent several hours trooping around the trails at the Charlotte Harbor Environmental Center. Affectionately referred to as CHEC, it is a non-profit, private wildlife refuge at 10941 Burnt Store Road. It sits in the protected area around Charlotte Harbor that is likely to flood if the waters rise. So, I figured I should explore the place before global warming goes too far.
This was only my second visit to CHEC, and it may well be my last. Not only did I see few birds, for most of my hike, I didn't even HEAR any birds. Except for the rustling of leaves and branches in the wind, everything was completely silent. I felt like I was bird watching after the apocalypse.
I'm not saying there was no wildlife at the CHEC. During the first hour, I jumped out of my skin when a big black racer snake slithered noisily into the dry underbrush. During the second hour, my hiking companion almost stepped on a glass lizard. That legless green reptile looks just like a snake. It gets its name from the ability to snap off its tail to befuddle a predator. As the tail flaps by reflex in the jaws of an attacker, the main body of the glass lizard can slither away. I swear, the lizard actually sacrifices most of its body so the remainder can escape. This seems like a wasteful survival tactic to me. It is only surpassed by the local poisonous tree frogs. Any predator that swallows one of them dies with convulsions about 24 hours later. How does that help the frog? Their natural defense is to leave a bad aftertaste.
As a newly minted graduate of the Florida Master Naturalist Program, my fellow hiker found more to interest her at CHEC than I did. While I futilely scanned overhead for birds, she found mushrooms, moss, grass, coffee plants and exotic flowers one the ground. Many of these things were conveniently labeled by small signs and plaques by the side of the trails. We grew spoiled. When we found a sign about bald eagles, we were disappointed there wasn't one perched right behind it.
Some of the other signs at CHEC were less helpful and more puzzling.
This sign seemed to suggest that the hawk eats the sun to complete the circle of life.
Small white arrows helped us follow the hiking trails at CHEC. At one point, even these simple arrows seemed to lead us astray. The hiker in the photo below was justifiably confused about which sign to believe.
Many plaques and statues in Florida are just monuments to the people who paid for them. They do nothing to educate tourists. They are just covered with the names of the donors and fundraisers. On some of the wooden bridges and boardwalks at CHEC, every single timber is etched with the names and sentiments of contributors.
Our futile hike ended at the CHEC observation blind. We quietly entered the back of the shack and sat at a large window overlooking a bunch of bird baths, bird houses and bird feeders. I felt like the witness of a crime sitting behind a one-way mirror on CSI. Unfortunately, the bird feeders were empty of seed as well as birds. At least we saw some vultures, herons and a bald eagle flying above the treetops. However, those are pretty easy to see anywhere in SW Florida.
Eventually, a solitary palm warbler arrived at the blind (one of the most abundant birds in SW Florida). He perched on a low branch and nervously looked around for about 10 minutes before dropping down to take a sip of water. When I stood to get a better view, the warbler flew away. Suspiciously, I walked around the front of the "observation blind." Sure enough, the birds could see us inside as clear as day. I don't think CHEC understands what "observation blind" really means.
We were leaving CHEC in abject defeat when we came upon a gopher tortoise munching on some grass. He was standing in the middle of some fire ant mounds. So, I have to salute the turtle's resolve even as I question his judgment. We also saw a large gator laying beside a pond near the visitor center.
The sun was literally setting as we walked to the parking lot. Of course, that's when CHEC sprang to life! We finally saw a red-shoulder hawk perched in the distance and a great horned owl, perched low beside the entry road. We even scared off a big, black wild pig that was rummaging around the CHEC administrative buildings. We saw more wildlife in the last five minutes of our hike than in the first three hours.
The forest was beautiful and the weather couldn't have been nicer. However, as a bird watching destination, the CHEC is a great place to see reptiles.
Dominatrix Barbie
By Ralph Zenith
Business Reporter
ENGLEWOOD, FLORIDA - Wearing shinny PVC clothes and black fishnet stockings, this is not your mother's Barbie doll. I found this strange item selling in the girl's toy department at the local Big Lots store. At first glance, I thought Barbie had grown up to become a high end S&M prostitute. A closer look at the package revealed this Barbie is actually supposed to be a tough comic book super heroine named Black Canary. She is part of a series of Barbie dolls made up to look like various fictional characters.
Selling for $20, this Barbie would make an expensive "companion" to Ken. I hear that sometimes he's a very, very bad boy and needs to be punished! I wonder how the package would attempt to explain away the bruises, bites and whip marks on a "Slave Ken Doll." Would he come complete with cuffs, blindfold and gag?
Monday, November 26, 2012
Tickle me, Elmo honey!
By Socrates Paparazzi
Arts and Entertainment Reporter
NEW YORK, NEW YORK - It's been a bad year for muppets.
Kevin Clash has resigned after 28 years as the voice of Elmo on Sesame Street. A second young man has accused Clash of having sex with a minor His first accuser retracted the allegation within 24 hours of his story going public earlier this month. However, a second accuser is standing by the charges. The 24-year-old man claims that Clash had sexual contact with him when he was just 15. His federal lawsuit alleges that Clash met him through a gay chat line. He reportedly courted the boy with expensive meals and money during a torrid two-week affair of sexual contact without intercourse. According to his lawyer, the victim is suing Clash after all these years to heal from the trauma, to spare other victims from his sexual depravity and for $5 million.
Clash has won 23 daytime Emmys, including 4 in a row for best performer in a children's series. He became more famous when he stepped out as the man behind, ummm - the man under Elmo. Clash made the circuit of TV talk shows to promote his 2006 autobiography, "My Life as a Furry Red Monster" and his 2011 documentary "Being Elmo, a Puppeteer's Journey." His accuser was shocked to learn Clash was the puppeteer for the beloved muppet. I was shocked to learn that Elmo's shrill voice is provided by a big, shiny, bald, black, dude who is 53-years-old and openly gay. Then again, this would answer some questions about the Tickle-me Elmo toy. I always wondered why, if you tickle the doll's belly for too long, he stops giggling and whispers, "Lower."
Clash seems like a nice enough guy with a good sense of humor. I hope he's innocent, for his sake. If a man over 21 years old, is convicted of having sex with anyone under 17 years old, the State of New York considers him guilty of a felony. Child molesters are especially persecuted by the "regular" killers and rapists in prison. If Clash goes to jail, he will probably learn first hand what it feels like to be a muppet.
Arts and Entertainment Reporter
NEW YORK, NEW YORK - It's been a bad year for muppets.
Kevin Clash has resigned after 28 years as the voice of Elmo on Sesame Street. A second young man has accused Clash of having sex with a minor His first accuser retracted the allegation within 24 hours of his story going public earlier this month. However, a second accuser is standing by the charges. The 24-year-old man claims that Clash had sexual contact with him when he was just 15. His federal lawsuit alleges that Clash met him through a gay chat line. He reportedly courted the boy with expensive meals and money during a torrid two-week affair of sexual contact without intercourse. According to his lawyer, the victim is suing Clash after all these years to heal from the trauma, to spare other victims from his sexual depravity and for $5 million.
Clash has won 23 daytime Emmys, including 4 in a row for best performer in a children's series. He became more famous when he stepped out as the man behind, ummm - the man under Elmo. Clash made the circuit of TV talk shows to promote his 2006 autobiography, "My Life as a Furry Red Monster" and his 2011 documentary "Being Elmo, a Puppeteer's Journey." His accuser was shocked to learn Clash was the puppeteer for the beloved muppet. I was shocked to learn that Elmo's shrill voice is provided by a big, shiny, bald, black, dude who is 53-years-old and openly gay. Then again, this would answer some questions about the Tickle-me Elmo toy. I always wondered why, if you tickle the doll's belly for too long, he stops giggling and whispers, "Lower."
Clash seems like a nice enough guy with a good sense of humor. I hope he's innocent, for his sake. If a man over 21 years old, is convicted of having sex with anyone under 17 years old, the State of New York considers him guilty of a felony. Child molesters are especially persecuted by the "regular" killers and rapists in prison. If Clash goes to jail, he will probably learn first hand what it feels like to be a muppet.
Sunday, November 25, 2012
A Butt Clenching Headline
By Scoop Cooper
Crime Reporter
TALLAHASSEE, FLORIDA - A headline in the Nov. 20 issue of The Englewood Sun suggests that Governor Rick Scott is wildly exceeding his authority. The headline on page 5 reads, "Scott asks inspector general to probe Citizens."
All of us?
With all due respect, I think Governor Scott overestimates the sexual prowess of our inspector general.
A closer reading of the article offered an explanation that was almost as funny as the headline. Our governor has ordered an investigation of a state-backed company called Citizens Property Insurance Corp. He said he was concerned about the firing of four employees at Citizens. They were investigating the mismanagement of company funds when Citizens fired them. Hmmm ... I'm sure it was just a coincidence.
Just the same, I was glad to read that the Florida inspector general, Melinda Miguel, is a woman and not a man. I was relieved!
Crime Reporter
TALLAHASSEE, FLORIDA - A headline in the Nov. 20 issue of The Englewood Sun suggests that Governor Rick Scott is wildly exceeding his authority. The headline on page 5 reads, "Scott asks inspector general to probe Citizens."
All of us?
With all due respect, I think Governor Scott overestimates the sexual prowess of our inspector general.
A closer reading of the article offered an explanation that was almost as funny as the headline. Our governor has ordered an investigation of a state-backed company called Citizens Property Insurance Corp. He said he was concerned about the firing of four employees at Citizens. They were investigating the mismanagement of company funds when Citizens fired them. Hmmm ... I'm sure it was just a coincidence.
Just the same, I was glad to read that the Florida inspector general, Melinda Miguel, is a woman and not a man. I was relieved!
Thursday, November 22, 2012
Happy Thanksgiving!
Silly News will not be publishing on Thanksgiving Day. We are giving our staff the day off so they can celebrate the holiday tradition of stealing land from Indians.
Happy Thanksgiving from:
Mark Lucas, news editor
Scoop Cooper, crime reporter
Rainbow Star, environmental reporter
Ralph Zenith, business reporter
Sir Sterling T. Noseworthy III, Jr. Esquire, international correspondent
Socrates Paparazzi, arts and entertainment reporter
Nicola Braun, science reporter
Happy Thanksgiving from:
Mark Lucas, news editor
Scoop Cooper, crime reporter
Rainbow Star, environmental reporter
Ralph Zenith, business reporter
Sir Sterling T. Noseworthy III, Jr. Esquire, international correspondent
Socrates Paparazzi, arts and entertainment reporter
Nicola Braun, science reporter
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
Thrown off the Fiscal Cliff
By Mark Lucas
News Editor
ENGLEWOOD, FLORIDA - I love to deliberately misinterpret a newspaper headline. The Friday edition of the local Englewood Sun contained the following headline on page 1 of The Wire section.
"Obama, congressional leaders to meet on 'fiscal cliff.'"
That sounds like a dramatic Mafia negotiation from a "Godfather" film. It's the type of scene that can only end with someone getting thrown off. I can just picture Obama calmly watching as Republican mouthpiece John Boehner gets heaved over the edge. Boehner is still screaming on the way down as the president coolly lights a cigarette and says, "You'll find our common ground when you hit the bottom, scumbag."
Starring Morgan Freeman. Coming soon to theaters near you!
If you enjoyed this story, please use the buttons below to email it, share, tweet, squawk and quack it to all your friends. Thanks!
News Editor
ENGLEWOOD, FLORIDA - I love to deliberately misinterpret a newspaper headline. The Friday edition of the local Englewood Sun contained the following headline on page 1 of The Wire section.
"Obama, congressional leaders to meet on 'fiscal cliff.'"
That sounds like a dramatic Mafia negotiation from a "Godfather" film. It's the type of scene that can only end with someone getting thrown off. I can just picture Obama calmly watching as Republican mouthpiece John Boehner gets heaved over the edge. Boehner is still screaming on the way down as the president coolly lights a cigarette and says, "You'll find our common ground when you hit the bottom, scumbag."
Starring Morgan Freeman. Coming soon to theaters near you!
If you enjoyed this story, please use the buttons below to email it, share, tweet, squawk and quack it to all your friends. Thanks!
A Cure Worse than the Illness
By Nicola Braun
Science Reporter
TAIWAN - Scientists with too much time on their hands have given recreational users of crystal meth a new justification for their addiction. It prevents the flu.
Previous studies suggested that meth addicts are more susceptible to HIV. So, a team of Taiwanese scientists expected similar results when they exposed lung tissue samples to crystal meth and the flu virus. They were shocked to discover the opposite. The meth boosted the lung's resistance to the flu. In fact, the more crystal meth they mixed in, the more the flu virus was rejected. Even the flu can't survive in that kind of toxic pollution.
Great! This will give more ammunition to people who want to legalize narcotics. They already claim that pot cures glaucoma. Now the meth addicts will crawl to their doctors for a prescription every time they get the sniffles.
Actually, the lab coats say they will try to create new drugs similar to crystal meth that fight the flu without all the bad side effects. After all, can you imagine the warning label they'd have to print on a prescription bottle of Crystal Meth Night Time Flu Relief? "May cause acne, wrinkled skin, insomnia, tooth decay, elevated heart rate, anxiety, delusions, hallucinations, paranoia, convulsions, extreme aggression, decreased sex drive, increased body temperature, liver damage, stroke and death."
Yikes! I'd rather get the flu. Even if I was cured, I wouldn't feel better if I suspected the mailman of plotting against me with my dog! I think the Taiwanese are setting the bar a little too low. Their next scientific study will probably prove that shooting patients in the head will also prevent the flu.
"The inoculation was a success, doctor. Unfortunately, the patient's brains have been sprayed all over the wall."
"But he doesn't have the flu, right?"
"Nope. No flu. Just dead."
"Great! That's a 100% success record. Next!"
Science Reporter
TAIWAN - Scientists with too much time on their hands have given recreational users of crystal meth a new justification for their addiction. It prevents the flu.
Previous studies suggested that meth addicts are more susceptible to HIV. So, a team of Taiwanese scientists expected similar results when they exposed lung tissue samples to crystal meth and the flu virus. They were shocked to discover the opposite. The meth boosted the lung's resistance to the flu. In fact, the more crystal meth they mixed in, the more the flu virus was rejected. Even the flu can't survive in that kind of toxic pollution.
Great! This will give more ammunition to people who want to legalize narcotics. They already claim that pot cures glaucoma. Now the meth addicts will crawl to their doctors for a prescription every time they get the sniffles.
Actually, the lab coats say they will try to create new drugs similar to crystal meth that fight the flu without all the bad side effects. After all, can you imagine the warning label they'd have to print on a prescription bottle of Crystal Meth Night Time Flu Relief? "May cause acne, wrinkled skin, insomnia, tooth decay, elevated heart rate, anxiety, delusions, hallucinations, paranoia, convulsions, extreme aggression, decreased sex drive, increased body temperature, liver damage, stroke and death."
Yikes! I'd rather get the flu. Even if I was cured, I wouldn't feel better if I suspected the mailman of plotting against me with my dog! I think the Taiwanese are setting the bar a little too low. Their next scientific study will probably prove that shooting patients in the head will also prevent the flu.
"The inoculation was a success, doctor. Unfortunately, the patient's brains have been sprayed all over the wall."
"But he doesn't have the flu, right?"
"Nope. No flu. Just dead."
"Great! That's a 100% success record. Next!"
Monday, November 19, 2012
Go Climb a Tree
By Scoop Cooper
Crime Reporter
LAND O' LAKES, FLORIDA - An accused bike thief, who fled up a tree, is back on the ground and behind bars.
The man is accused of stealing a bicycle by pushing the rider off of it at 2 p.m. Friday. The suspect loaded the bike on his truck. When police responded to the call, the suspect fought off a deputy and climbed up a 30-foot-tall tree. Apparently, he didn't have a next move. He stayed in the tree for 11 hours. Police and news crews stood vigil around the base of the tree. After nightfall, they shined lights up into the foliage. However, the suspect remained unseen, except for the occasional movement of branches. One amused witness described the arboreal fugitive as nimble as a monkey.
The suspect finally decided he'd rather spend the night in jail than in a tree and descended to the ground at 1 a.m. Saturday morning. The bald, 37-year-old Pasco County resident was arrested and charged with robbery, battery on a police officer and resisting arrest. He is being held in the Land O' Lakes Detention Center.
Gee, the Mystery Monkey of Tampa Bay held out longer than this guy. (sigh) I still miss Cornelius.
Crime Reporter
LAND O' LAKES, FLORIDA - An accused bike thief, who fled up a tree, is back on the ground and behind bars.
The man is accused of stealing a bicycle by pushing the rider off of it at 2 p.m. Friday. The suspect loaded the bike on his truck. When police responded to the call, the suspect fought off a deputy and climbed up a 30-foot-tall tree. Apparently, he didn't have a next move. He stayed in the tree for 11 hours. Police and news crews stood vigil around the base of the tree. After nightfall, they shined lights up into the foliage. However, the suspect remained unseen, except for the occasional movement of branches. One amused witness described the arboreal fugitive as nimble as a monkey.
The suspect finally decided he'd rather spend the night in jail than in a tree and descended to the ground at 1 a.m. Saturday morning. The bald, 37-year-old Pasco County resident was arrested and charged with robbery, battery on a police officer and resisting arrest. He is being held in the Land O' Lakes Detention Center.
Gee, the Mystery Monkey of Tampa Bay held out longer than this guy. (sigh) I still miss Cornelius.
Friday, November 16, 2012
Anything to Save the Ta Tas
By Rainbow Starr
WEST ROTONDA, FLORIDA - Bidding for a woman's bra is usually accompanied by sleazy music and erotic dancing. However, the auction of brassieres at the Veterans of Foreign Wars hall Saturday night will be for a cause far more worthy than a striptease. The VFW Ladies Auxiliary is holding a Save the Boobies Party to raise money to fight breast cancer. The event starts at 5 p.m. and includes music, dinner, raffles and an auction of creatively hand decorated bras.
Several of the bras have a pair of cups which have been decorated to look like giant eyes. Red plastic eyeballs protrude like nipples from the "Zombie bra." The "Jingle Boobies" bra is covered by red and green Christmas bells. The "Combat Bra" is covered by plastic army men - green soldiers on the left cup and tan on the right. However, my personal favorite is a bra covered with pink feathers to look like a flamingo. The wings are spread to cover the cups. A bird leg dangles from each cup. The flamingo's head peaks out from the area usually reserved for cleavage.
Thursday, November 15, 2012
Sour Grapes for Republican Whine
By Mark Lucas
News Editor
America has a long tradition of accepting election results with grace, civility and good sportsmanship. In 2000, Democratic Vice President and internet inventor Al Gore eventually acknowledged his defeat on a technicality, even though more people actually voted for him. This year, US President and Nobel Peace Prize winner Barack Obama not only won decisively in the Electoral College, he also received 3% more of the popular vote. Absent any proof of substantial fraud, Obama won reelection fair and square by any standard.
So, this is the point where Mormon Bishop Willard Mitt Romney congratulates Obama. Republicans and Democrats vow to work together, heal the wounds of a nasty campaign, find common ground, blah, blah, blah. We've all heard the scripted malarkey before. Right?
Not this time.
The Republicans are flipping out over their defeat. It started before all the votes were tallied. On election night, New York developer Donald Trump repeatedly called for a revolution and a march on the capitol during an online tirade. Country singer and gun nut Ted Nugent tweeted that watching the election results caused him to cry tears of blood. He described his fellow Americans as a bunch of pimps, whores and welfare brats who had voted to commit economic and spiritual suicide.
Now, gun sales in Florida have jumped 40% on the assumption that Obama will increase the cost and regulation of firearms.
Even Romney has cried foul play. During a conference call with his major campaign contributors on Wednesday, Romney explained that Obama bought the votes of minorities with gifts. He said Hispanics voted for Obama because he offered amnesty to the children of illegal immigrants. He said young people voted for Obama because he offered to forgive their college loans. Romney said poor people voted for Obama because his health care reform offers them free medical care.
In other words, Obama cheated by serving the millions of Americans who voted for him, paid his salary, invested him with authority and funded all the resources and manpower of the federal government. What an OUTRAGE! How DARE the American people expect their government to work on their behalf! This is clearly contrary to Republican ideology which calls for the federal government to do nothing. Worse yet, it runs against a long American tradition that the president should only give help to a few rich supporters who don't need it.
Over 700,000 people have signed online petitions calling for all 50 states to peacefully withdraw from the nation. Democrats and liberals have already fired back with a sarcastic volley of their own online petitions. A petition calling for Obama to prevent the secession of any state has been signed by 2,190 people. Another 10,652 people have called for Obama to strip the citizenship from anyone who signs a petition to secede from the nation and peacefully deport them.
A petition with 3,196 signatures would require any state to repay it's portion of the national debt before seceding. That's a particularly spiteful petition because the seven states with the most signatures to secede also receive the most funding from the US federal government. These seven states received a total of 23% of all federal funds to the state governments in 2010. Shockingly, these ungrateful states were also part of the Southern Confederacy during the Civil War: Texas, Louisiana, Georgia, Tennessee, North Carolina, Alabama and Florida (which is the only one that voted for Obama ... eventually).
Even in this parade of fools, Texas lives up to its reputation for always being the biggest. Not only was Texas the first to collect over 25,000 signatures to secede, it collected the most, over 100,000. However, secession is opposed by Texas Governor and failed Republican presidential candidate Rick Perry.
"Governor Perry believes in the greatness of our Union and nothing should be done to change it," reads an official statement from the governor's office. It's a sad day, when that amnesiac drug addict is the voice of reason.
Even if Texas leaves the union, it might have to forge on without its state capitol. The City of Austin has gathered 5,348 signatures on a counter petition to secede from Texas and stick with the rest of the USA. In Austin's petition, the notoriously poor and liberal stronghold objects that its civil, religious and political freedoms have been oppressed by the rest of the Lone Star State. Oh, by the way, the petition also calls for Austin to annex the other Texas cities of Dublin, Lockhart and Shiner on its way out of the state.
News Editor
America has a long tradition of accepting election results with grace, civility and good sportsmanship. In 2000, Democratic Vice President and internet inventor Al Gore eventually acknowledged his defeat on a technicality, even though more people actually voted for him. This year, US President and Nobel Peace Prize winner Barack Obama not only won decisively in the Electoral College, he also received 3% more of the popular vote. Absent any proof of substantial fraud, Obama won reelection fair and square by any standard.
So, this is the point where Mormon Bishop Willard Mitt Romney congratulates Obama. Republicans and Democrats vow to work together, heal the wounds of a nasty campaign, find common ground, blah, blah, blah. We've all heard the scripted malarkey before. Right?
Not this time.
The Republicans are flipping out over their defeat. It started before all the votes were tallied. On election night, New York developer Donald Trump repeatedly called for a revolution and a march on the capitol during an online tirade. Country singer and gun nut Ted Nugent tweeted that watching the election results caused him to cry tears of blood. He described his fellow Americans as a bunch of pimps, whores and welfare brats who had voted to commit economic and spiritual suicide.
Now, gun sales in Florida have jumped 40% on the assumption that Obama will increase the cost and regulation of firearms.
Even Romney has cried foul play. During a conference call with his major campaign contributors on Wednesday, Romney explained that Obama bought the votes of minorities with gifts. He said Hispanics voted for Obama because he offered amnesty to the children of illegal immigrants. He said young people voted for Obama because he offered to forgive their college loans. Romney said poor people voted for Obama because his health care reform offers them free medical care.
In other words, Obama cheated by serving the millions of Americans who voted for him, paid his salary, invested him with authority and funded all the resources and manpower of the federal government. What an OUTRAGE! How DARE the American people expect their government to work on their behalf! This is clearly contrary to Republican ideology which calls for the federal government to do nothing. Worse yet, it runs against a long American tradition that the president should only give help to a few rich supporters who don't need it.
Over 700,000 people have signed online petitions calling for all 50 states to peacefully withdraw from the nation. Democrats and liberals have already fired back with a sarcastic volley of their own online petitions. A petition calling for Obama to prevent the secession of any state has been signed by 2,190 people. Another 10,652 people have called for Obama to strip the citizenship from anyone who signs a petition to secede from the nation and peacefully deport them.
A petition with 3,196 signatures would require any state to repay it's portion of the national debt before seceding. That's a particularly spiteful petition because the seven states with the most signatures to secede also receive the most funding from the US federal government. These seven states received a total of 23% of all federal funds to the state governments in 2010. Shockingly, these ungrateful states were also part of the Southern Confederacy during the Civil War: Texas, Louisiana, Georgia, Tennessee, North Carolina, Alabama and Florida (which is the only one that voted for Obama ... eventually).
Even in this parade of fools, Texas lives up to its reputation for always being the biggest. Not only was Texas the first to collect over 25,000 signatures to secede, it collected the most, over 100,000. However, secession is opposed by Texas Governor and failed Republican presidential candidate Rick Perry.
"Governor Perry believes in the greatness of our Union and nothing should be done to change it," reads an official statement from the governor's office. It's a sad day, when that amnesiac drug addict is the voice of reason.
Even if Texas leaves the union, it might have to forge on without its state capitol. The City of Austin has gathered 5,348 signatures on a counter petition to secede from Texas and stick with the rest of the USA. In Austin's petition, the notoriously poor and liberal stronghold objects that its civil, religious and political freedoms have been oppressed by the rest of the Lone Star State. Oh, by the way, the petition also calls for Austin to annex the other Texas cities of Dublin, Lockhart and Shiner on its way out of the state.
Monday, November 12, 2012
Will Steal for Tips
By Scoop Cooper
Crime Reporter
WEST HARTFORD, CONNECTICUT - The economy must be pretty bad when thieves start to steal jobs.
On Friday night, a delivery driver left his car idling while he ran inside Bristow Middle School to deliver some Chinese food. He emerged to find his car had been stolen. He called the Chinese restaurant to tell his boss. The restaurant called the three remaining customers to inform them that their orders had been stolen with the delivery vehicle.
That's when the crime took a strange turn.
One customer reported that their stolen food had just been delivered. The restaurant gave police the addresses of the remaining two deliveries. Sure enough, police arrested the suspect while making a second delivery of the stolen food with the stolen vehicle. The car thief was pocketing payment for the deliveries, and, hopefully, the customers were counting their change.
Police allege that the suspect was also arrested in possession of a crack pipe, a joint and a paper bag full of a prescription anti-psychotic drug. So, let's see now ... altogether, the suspect is being charged with possession of drug paraphernalia, possession of less than a half ounce of marijuana, failure to keep prescription drugs in their original container and, oh yeah, third degree larceny of the car. The busy boy cannot be accused with a lack of ambition.
Let this be a cautionary tale for anyone who doesn't feel like getting out of bed in the morning. You'd better report for work every day, or you just might find someone has stolen your job.
Crime Reporter
WEST HARTFORD, CONNECTICUT - The economy must be pretty bad when thieves start to steal jobs.
On Friday night, a delivery driver left his car idling while he ran inside Bristow Middle School to deliver some Chinese food. He emerged to find his car had been stolen. He called the Chinese restaurant to tell his boss. The restaurant called the three remaining customers to inform them that their orders had been stolen with the delivery vehicle.
That's when the crime took a strange turn.
One customer reported that their stolen food had just been delivered. The restaurant gave police the addresses of the remaining two deliveries. Sure enough, police arrested the suspect while making a second delivery of the stolen food with the stolen vehicle. The car thief was pocketing payment for the deliveries, and, hopefully, the customers were counting their change.
Police allege that the suspect was also arrested in possession of a crack pipe, a joint and a paper bag full of a prescription anti-psychotic drug. So, let's see now ... altogether, the suspect is being charged with possession of drug paraphernalia, possession of less than a half ounce of marijuana, failure to keep prescription drugs in their original container and, oh yeah, third degree larceny of the car. The busy boy cannot be accused with a lack of ambition.
Let this be a cautionary tale for anyone who doesn't feel like getting out of bed in the morning. You'd better report for work every day, or you just might find someone has stolen your job.
Thursday, November 8, 2012
The Over-the-Hill Gang
By Scoop Cooper
Crime Reporter
PORT CHARLOTTE, FLORIDA - We all get older, even criminals.
Like salmon swimming upstream to die, elderly Americans seem compelled to retire to Florida. My little corner of paradise is known as God's Waiting Room. Since Republicans outnumber Democrats by two to one, SW Florida should be called The Elephants Graveyard, but that's just my opinion.
The median average age in Charlotte County is actually 56. So, a lot of the criminals are starting to show their age. The long arm of the law caught up with two of these doddering outlaws last weekend, while the rest of the nation was obsessing over the election.
On Nov. 1, a bald man with a gray goatee entered the SunTrust Bank in Port Charlotte. Without brandishing a weapon, he coerced an undisclosed amount of cash from a teller. Then, the suspect fled the scene. I know you're picturing a getaway car spraying gravel into the air with squealing tires, but no. Remember, this is SW Florida, where the pace is more laid back. The aging bank robber made his slow-motion escape on a small electric scooter. Don't laugh. He got away! Despite a dragnet with police dogs and a helicopter, all they found was the bank robber's discarded jacket and abandoned scooter.
Never fear! The Florida police always catch their man! The chase finally ended last Sunday. The authorities caught up with their prey at ... Tampa General Hospital. The 51-year-old suspect was being treated for a previous medical condition. I guess life in the fast lane caught up with him. The ailing bank robber was arrested and placed under guard at Tampa General Hospital. He will be officially charged with two robberies when he is returned to Charlotte County, health permitting.
The elderly crime wave continued on Saturday night. Police saw two women in a truck drive away from a reputed drug den in Punta Gorda. A deputy pulled them over for a routine "traffic stop." The 25-year-old driver was merely arrested for driving with a suspended license. However, when the 49-year-old passenger was ordered to step out of the vehicle, she allegedly threw a syringe on the ground. This aroused the suspicion of the highly trained deputy. He allegedly found a crack pipe and a piece of crack in her purse. Now in full sleuth mode, the deputy observed that his tight-lipped prisoner was fussing with something in her mouth. Allegedly, she removed her dentures to reveal three more large crack rocks. That must've wiped the smile off her face, in more ways than one. The 49-year-old-would-be-smuggler was charged with possession of cocaine and drug paraphernalia and released on $3,500 bail.
I think I speak for everyone in God's Waiting Room when I say, "We are getting too old for this nonsense."
If you enjoyed this story, please use the buttons below to email it, share, tweet, squawk and quack it to all your friends. Thanks!
Crime Reporter
PORT CHARLOTTE, FLORIDA - We all get older, even criminals.
Like salmon swimming upstream to die, elderly Americans seem compelled to retire to Florida. My little corner of paradise is known as God's Waiting Room. Since Republicans outnumber Democrats by two to one, SW Florida should be called The Elephants Graveyard, but that's just my opinion.
The median average age in Charlotte County is actually 56. So, a lot of the criminals are starting to show their age. The long arm of the law caught up with two of these doddering outlaws last weekend, while the rest of the nation was obsessing over the election.
On Nov. 1, a bald man with a gray goatee entered the SunTrust Bank in Port Charlotte. Without brandishing a weapon, he coerced an undisclosed amount of cash from a teller. Then, the suspect fled the scene. I know you're picturing a getaway car spraying gravel into the air with squealing tires, but no. Remember, this is SW Florida, where the pace is more laid back. The aging bank robber made his slow-motion escape on a small electric scooter. Don't laugh. He got away! Despite a dragnet with police dogs and a helicopter, all they found was the bank robber's discarded jacket and abandoned scooter.
Never fear! The Florida police always catch their man! The chase finally ended last Sunday. The authorities caught up with their prey at ... Tampa General Hospital. The 51-year-old suspect was being treated for a previous medical condition. I guess life in the fast lane caught up with him. The ailing bank robber was arrested and placed under guard at Tampa General Hospital. He will be officially charged with two robberies when he is returned to Charlotte County, health permitting.
The elderly crime wave continued on Saturday night. Police saw two women in a truck drive away from a reputed drug den in Punta Gorda. A deputy pulled them over for a routine "traffic stop." The 25-year-old driver was merely arrested for driving with a suspended license. However, when the 49-year-old passenger was ordered to step out of the vehicle, she allegedly threw a syringe on the ground. This aroused the suspicion of the highly trained deputy. He allegedly found a crack pipe and a piece of crack in her purse. Now in full sleuth mode, the deputy observed that his tight-lipped prisoner was fussing with something in her mouth. Allegedly, she removed her dentures to reveal three more large crack rocks. That must've wiped the smile off her face, in more ways than one. The 49-year-old-would-be-smuggler was charged with possession of cocaine and drug paraphernalia and released on $3,500 bail.
I think I speak for everyone in God's Waiting Room when I say, "We are getting too old for this nonsense."
If you enjoyed this story, please use the buttons below to email it, share, tweet, squawk and quack it to all your friends. Thanks!
Monday, November 5, 2012
Roseanne Barr Runs for President
By Mark Lucas
News Editor
FLORIDA - Americans don't have to hold their noses and vote for Democratic President and illegal immigrant Barack Obama or the other white meat, Republican Mitt Romney. There are many other candidates for president that have been completely ignored by the mainstream media. Twelve different nominees appear on the Florida ballot, second only to Colorado with 16 choices.
When I got a sample Florida ballot, I was not surprised to see alternative candidates from the Libertarian Party, the Green Party, the Reform Party, communists, socialists and other small fry of the lunatic fringe. However, I did not expect to see the name of 1990s sitcom star Roseanne Barr.
After the Green Party passed over her to nominate Dr. Jill Stein for president, Barr fell even further down the political food chain and secured the nomination of the Peace and Freedom Party. Based in California, the Peace and Freedom Party advocates the legalization of marijuana and gay marriage. On the campaign trail, Barr has also vowed to bring down the bankers and the Federal Reserve which caused the Great Recession.
Barr appears on the election ballot in California, Colorado and Florida with her vice presidential running mate Cindy Sheehan. I recognized Sheehan's name, but, at first, I couldn't place her. After her son died in the invasion of Iraq, Sheehan became a prominent anti-war activist. You may remember her prolonged demonstration outside the Texas ranch of specially-abled Republican President George Bush.
So, Sheehan brings a little credibility to the Peace and Freedom Party ticket. However, I don't think I could stand having a loudmouth like Roseanne Barr as president for four whole years. Remember how she defiled the national anthem at a baseball game? Just imagine what she would do to somber presidential traditions. Picture her riding a motorcycle up the Capitol steps to deliver the State of the Union Address through her nose and chewing gum during press conferences. I can just see President Barr living in a trailer on the lawn while the White House is fumigated for head lice and bed bugs.
No. NOoooo! No thank you! We already elected one nut farmer to the oval office, then a daffy actor, and he was even worse!
News Editor
FLORIDA - Americans don't have to hold their noses and vote for Democratic President and illegal immigrant Barack Obama or the other white meat, Republican Mitt Romney. There are many other candidates for president that have been completely ignored by the mainstream media. Twelve different nominees appear on the Florida ballot, second only to Colorado with 16 choices.
When I got a sample Florida ballot, I was not surprised to see alternative candidates from the Libertarian Party, the Green Party, the Reform Party, communists, socialists and other small fry of the lunatic fringe. However, I did not expect to see the name of 1990s sitcom star Roseanne Barr.
After the Green Party passed over her to nominate Dr. Jill Stein for president, Barr fell even further down the political food chain and secured the nomination of the Peace and Freedom Party. Based in California, the Peace and Freedom Party advocates the legalization of marijuana and gay marriage. On the campaign trail, Barr has also vowed to bring down the bankers and the Federal Reserve which caused the Great Recession.
Barr appears on the election ballot in California, Colorado and Florida with her vice presidential running mate Cindy Sheehan. I recognized Sheehan's name, but, at first, I couldn't place her. After her son died in the invasion of Iraq, Sheehan became a prominent anti-war activist. You may remember her prolonged demonstration outside the Texas ranch of specially-abled Republican President George Bush.
So, Sheehan brings a little credibility to the Peace and Freedom Party ticket. However, I don't think I could stand having a loudmouth like Roseanne Barr as president for four whole years. Remember how she defiled the national anthem at a baseball game? Just imagine what she would do to somber presidential traditions. Picture her riding a motorcycle up the Capitol steps to deliver the State of the Union Address through her nose and chewing gum during press conferences. I can just see President Barr living in a trailer on the lawn while the White House is fumigated for head lice and bed bugs.
No. NOoooo! No thank you! We already elected one nut farmer to the oval office, then a daffy actor, and he was even worse!
Sunday, November 4, 2012
Connie Mack a Momma's Boy
By Mark Lucas
News Editor
FLORIDA - Republican US Congressman and chronic deadbeat Connie Mack is scraping the bottom of the barrel for political endorsements. Recent campaign commercials, feature his mother Priscilla. According to her, Mack would make a terrific US senator. It's a half-hearted endorsement. Even she admits that her son "was a handful." I wonder if she was referring to his history of barroom brawls and road rage.
However, the suspense is over. Despite having one of the worst attendance records in Congress, Mack's mother will vote for him. What other endorsements has Mack been holding back for an October Surprise? Will his second grade teacher support his views on education? Does Mack have a note from his childhood doctor that excuses his views on health care? Does his dog approve of his record on environmental issues?
Despite the last-minute endorsement from his mother, the senatorial race is finally turning against Connie Mack, aka Cornelius Harvey McGuillicuddy IV. Over the weekend, a poll of 800 likely voters found only 43% supported Mack. On the other hand, 49% planned to vote for Democratic incumbent and beady-eyed good-old-boy, US Senator Bill Nelson. With 4% voting for third party candidates, that only leaves 4% of Florida voters undecided and still up for grabs. Then again, the poll has a 3.5% margin of error. So anything can happen. When a candidate is supported by his own mother, clearly we are living in an age of miracles.
News Editor
FLORIDA - Republican US Congressman and chronic deadbeat Connie Mack is scraping the bottom of the barrel for political endorsements. Recent campaign commercials, feature his mother Priscilla. According to her, Mack would make a terrific US senator. It's a half-hearted endorsement. Even she admits that her son "was a handful." I wonder if she was referring to his history of barroom brawls and road rage.
However, the suspense is over. Despite having one of the worst attendance records in Congress, Mack's mother will vote for him. What other endorsements has Mack been holding back for an October Surprise? Will his second grade teacher support his views on education? Does Mack have a note from his childhood doctor that excuses his views on health care? Does his dog approve of his record on environmental issues?
Despite the last-minute endorsement from his mother, the senatorial race is finally turning against Connie Mack, aka Cornelius Harvey McGuillicuddy IV. Over the weekend, a poll of 800 likely voters found only 43% supported Mack. On the other hand, 49% planned to vote for Democratic incumbent and beady-eyed good-old-boy, US Senator Bill Nelson. With 4% voting for third party candidates, that only leaves 4% of Florida voters undecided and still up for grabs. Then again, the poll has a 3.5% margin of error. So anything can happen. When a candidate is supported by his own mother, clearly we are living in an age of miracles.
Saturday, November 3, 2012
The Puppet Apocalypse Begins
By Mark Lucas
News Editor
WASHINGTON, DC - Lock your windows and barricade the doors! The puppet uprising has begun! I WARNED YOU this would happen! But you all LAUGHED at me! Well, the Million Puppet March starts at 10 a.m. Saturday. Count Count is still working on an exact figure, but approximately 600 puppeteers and their puppets are expected to march from Lincoln Park to the Grant Memorial. They CLAIM it will be a peaceful demonstration to support federal funding for the Public Television System. HA! I wouldn't be surprised if it ended with Kermit and the Grover dancing a jig on the White House roof as the capitol burns!
Well, how much did we expect our beloved fuzzy friends to take? For years, they gave us unconditional love and laughter. In return, we tried to rename the Cookie Monster the Veggie Monster. We doctored photos on the internet to link Bert with Osama Bin Laden. Then we accused Bert of having a gay relationship with his "longtime companion" Ernie. Some panhandler in an Elmo costume even spewed profanities at New York tourists if they wouldn't pay to have their pictures taken with him. However, the feather that broke the canary's back came just a few weeks ago. In a televised presidential debate, Republican nominee and Mormon Bishop Mitt Romney threatened to fire Big Bird to balance the federal budget.
Well, Judgment Day has arrived!
The capitol riot police won't be able to put down the puppet uprising. There's a ten-foot height limit on the puppets in the march! Miss Piggy knows karate, and the Cookie Monster eats everything in sight! And this is just the beginning. After Washington, D.C. falls, similar puppet marches are planned for New York City, Boston, Atlanta, Seattle, Britain and New Zealand. Just before the power goes off in each city, the last broadcast we hear will probably be the insane laughter of Tickle Me Elmo.
So, this is how the world ends.
This is how the world ends.
This is how the world ends.
Not with a BANG, but a giggle ...
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News Editor
WASHINGTON, DC - Lock your windows and barricade the doors! The puppet uprising has begun! I WARNED YOU this would happen! But you all LAUGHED at me! Well, the Million Puppet March starts at 10 a.m. Saturday. Count Count is still working on an exact figure, but approximately 600 puppeteers and their puppets are expected to march from Lincoln Park to the Grant Memorial. They CLAIM it will be a peaceful demonstration to support federal funding for the Public Television System. HA! I wouldn't be surprised if it ended with Kermit and the Grover dancing a jig on the White House roof as the capitol burns!
Well, how much did we expect our beloved fuzzy friends to take? For years, they gave us unconditional love and laughter. In return, we tried to rename the Cookie Monster the Veggie Monster. We doctored photos on the internet to link Bert with Osama Bin Laden. Then we accused Bert of having a gay relationship with his "longtime companion" Ernie. Some panhandler in an Elmo costume even spewed profanities at New York tourists if they wouldn't pay to have their pictures taken with him. However, the feather that broke the canary's back came just a few weeks ago. In a televised presidential debate, Republican nominee and Mormon Bishop Mitt Romney threatened to fire Big Bird to balance the federal budget.
Well, Judgment Day has arrived!
The capitol riot police won't be able to put down the puppet uprising. There's a ten-foot height limit on the puppets in the march! Miss Piggy knows karate, and the Cookie Monster eats everything in sight! And this is just the beginning. After Washington, D.C. falls, similar puppet marches are planned for New York City, Boston, Atlanta, Seattle, Britain and New Zealand. Just before the power goes off in each city, the last broadcast we hear will probably be the insane laughter of Tickle Me Elmo.
So, this is how the world ends.
This is how the world ends.
This is how the world ends.
Not with a BANG, but a giggle ...
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Wednesday, October 31, 2012
Multi-layered Political Vandalism
This large political sign stands by the side of Placida Road in Grove City, Florida. The multiple levels of vandalism reflect a presidential election that has become particularly nasty. Even more political signs have been damaged in nearby Northport. The original sign in this photo attacked the record of Democratic President Barack Obama. Then a Zorro wanna-be defaced the sign with black spray paint. Eventually, a third level of commentary was applied with marker on green tape. Perhaps future archaeologists will decipher the decline of US political discourse when they excavate this sign from the ruins of our once-great nation. Photo by Mark Lucas.
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Monday, October 29, 2012
Thanksgiving at the Romney House
Anyone who'd like to see their humorous cartoon published on Silly News, please submit your idea to News Editor Mark Lucas at MarkLucas.editor@gmail.com
Sunday, October 28, 2012
Sunscreen Causes Burns
By Ralph Zenith
Business Reporter
I'm not cynical enough.
I've always suspected sunscreen was a big scam. Thermonuclear radiation from a star burning at millions of degrees, travels 90 million miles through space, burns through 50 miles of atmosphere and then, miraculously, bounces off a thin layer of white goo that turns transparent after I smear it on my skin. Come on! Do you think I was born yesterday? Yet, for years, I slathered on sunscreen just like everyone else. What the hell? I am a skeptic, but I'm a cowardly skeptic that doesn't want skin cancer.
Well, it's been a bad year for sun worshipers, and I've saved up a big fat "I Knew It!" In July, the Environmental Working Group concluded that only 15% of 900 sunscreens actually prevented skin cancer AND contained safe ingredients. Nearly half of the sunscreens contained ingredients that literally become inactive when exposed to strong sunlight.
Apparently, the Food and Drug Administration agrees. The FDA has been contemplating new labeling regulations for sunscreens since 2011. They are even slower than Banana Boat, the second largest maker of sunscreen. In early June, a Massachusetts man applied Banana Boat sunscreen, walked over to a charcoal grill and caught fire. He suffered second degree burns on his chest, back and ear. Ow! Banana Boat launched a prompt investigation, "because nothing is more important to us than the safety of our consumers. We are taking this matter very seriously."
Quick as a flash, Banana Boat recalled 23 types of its Ultra-mist Spray-on Sunscreen on October 19, after four more of its customers went up in flames and the suntanning season had passed. To be fair, Banana Boat bottles carry a warning, "Flammable, don't use near heat, flame or while burning." I don't know about you, but to me, that means if something or someone is ALREADY on fire, using this sunscreen spray as a fire extinguisher will be ... counterproductive.
Banana Boat has not admitted that there is anything wrong with a sunscreen formula that can act like napalm. They are just generous to a fault with too much of a good thing. Their cans spray so much sunscreen that it stays wet on the skin too long and gives off flammable vapors until it dries. Right. Whatever gets you through the night, guys.
I always had my doubts that sunscreen could substitute for a lead-lined radiation suit. However, I never suspected that every time I smeared myself with this snake oil that I could be exposing myself to unsafe chemicals and turning myself into a human Tiki torch. Boy, do I have egg on my face! Well, we've ALL had a white goop on our face that looks like egg.
Business Reporter
I'm not cynical enough.
I've always suspected sunscreen was a big scam. Thermonuclear radiation from a star burning at millions of degrees, travels 90 million miles through space, burns through 50 miles of atmosphere and then, miraculously, bounces off a thin layer of white goo that turns transparent after I smear it on my skin. Come on! Do you think I was born yesterday? Yet, for years, I slathered on sunscreen just like everyone else. What the hell? I am a skeptic, but I'm a cowardly skeptic that doesn't want skin cancer.
Well, it's been a bad year for sun worshipers, and I've saved up a big fat "I Knew It!" In July, the Environmental Working Group concluded that only 15% of 900 sunscreens actually prevented skin cancer AND contained safe ingredients. Nearly half of the sunscreens contained ingredients that literally become inactive when exposed to strong sunlight.
Apparently, the Food and Drug Administration agrees. The FDA has been contemplating new labeling regulations for sunscreens since 2011. They are even slower than Banana Boat, the second largest maker of sunscreen. In early June, a Massachusetts man applied Banana Boat sunscreen, walked over to a charcoal grill and caught fire. He suffered second degree burns on his chest, back and ear. Ow! Banana Boat launched a prompt investigation, "because nothing is more important to us than the safety of our consumers. We are taking this matter very seriously."
Quick as a flash, Banana Boat recalled 23 types of its Ultra-mist Spray-on Sunscreen on October 19, after four more of its customers went up in flames and the suntanning season had passed. To be fair, Banana Boat bottles carry a warning, "Flammable, don't use near heat, flame or while burning." I don't know about you, but to me, that means if something or someone is ALREADY on fire, using this sunscreen spray as a fire extinguisher will be ... counterproductive.
Banana Boat has not admitted that there is anything wrong with a sunscreen formula that can act like napalm. They are just generous to a fault with too much of a good thing. Their cans spray so much sunscreen that it stays wet on the skin too long and gives off flammable vapors until it dries. Right. Whatever gets you through the night, guys.
I always had my doubts that sunscreen could substitute for a lead-lined radiation suit. However, I never suspected that every time I smeared myself with this snake oil that I could be exposing myself to unsafe chemicals and turning myself into a human Tiki torch. Boy, do I have egg on my face! Well, we've ALL had a white goop on our face that looks like egg.
Saturday, October 27, 2012
Betrayed with a Kiss and a Banana
By Rainbow Starr
Environmental Reporter
ST. PETERSBURG, FLORIDA - First Robin Hood. Then Jesse James and John Dillinger. Now, Cornelius, aka, Monk, aka the Mystery Monkey of Tampa Bay has joined the list of famous fugitives who fought the law, and the law won.
After evading authorities for almost four years, the defiant monkey's life on the lam ended with betrayal and a hail of tranquilizer darts at high noon on Wednesday. The simian fugitive is now safely behind bars.
The 45-pound rhesus macaque is thought to be an outcast from a colony of wild monkeys in Silver Springs. The colony formed years ago when monkeys were released into the wild after serving as extras in a Tarzan film. For years, St. Petersburg residents spotted the Mystery Monkey of Tampa Bay peering in their windows, playing with children and family pets and even lounging beside their pools. He became the popular subject of tourist knickknacks and even his own website. The monkey evaded wildlife authorities in the city and in forests, and even shrugged off tranquilizer darts. They freely admitted that their efforts failed because the fugitive simian was aided, concealed and fed by the local human population.
Public opinion turned against Cornelius three weeks ago. He jumped on an unwary 60-year-old woman. She screamed, and the startled monkey bit her on the back. Nearby residents finally revealed that the Mystery Monkey of Tampa Bay was living in their neighborhood near Lake Maggoire. Wildlife authorities and the paparazzi swarmed the area. Cornelius shook branches, snarled defiantly and even charged a news crew. The government brought in a monkey expert. However, Cornelius stole the bananas from his traps without getting caught The trapper was ready to bring in a caged monkey to lure in the lone rebel with the prospect of companionship.
It proved not to be necessary. On Wednesday, the victim of the monkey bite was looking on as her daughter waved a banana outside her home and called Cornelius out of the foliage with calm kissing sounds. The authorities at the stake out shot a tranquilizer dart out of a sliding glass door. The trusting monkey pulled the dart from his torso, staggered across a nearby creek and climbed to a low branch. When he began swaying from the drugs, the wildlife officials closed in to finish him off. They snagged the monkey with a capture stick and shot him with another tranquilizer dart. He lost consciousness within one minute.
Residents caressed the sleeping monkey one last time as they bid farewell to their neighborhood celebrity. The victim of the monkey bite cried. She is voluntarily undergoing very painful rabies shots so that her attacker will not need to be killed to check if he has rabies. However, Cornelius will be quarantined for 30 days to make sure he does not carry any other contagious diseases. The monkey expert named his prisoner, Cornelius, after the main character played by Roddy McDowell in the first three Planet of the Apes films. That Cornelius was an intelligent chimpanzee, who was also shot while on the run from human authorities.
Closer examination has revealed that the Mystery Monkey of Tampa Bay is about five years old. He is also in remarkably good health. In fact, he has grown fat from all the junk food that he has mooched from his human accomplices. Cornelius faces an uncertain future, depending on how well he reintegrates with other monkeys after living so long on his own. However, monkey sanctuaries across Florida are already vying to become the next home of the famous Mystery Monkey of Tampa Bay.
Meanwhile, the quiet neighborhood near Lake Maggoire has returned to normal. Some of the residents say, they already miss "seeing the monkey."
You can read the background about this story in "Monkey Bites St. Pete Woman" and "One Monkey vs. the World."
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Thursday, October 25, 2012
A Fool and His Money
By Mark Lucas
News Editor
This crazy presidential campaign has been interrupted by a voice of reason. The breath of fresh air comes from New York developer and Hair Club for Men model Donald Trump. On Wednesday, he offered to give $5 million to charity if Democratic President and confessed pothead Barack Obama would release his college records and passport paperwork.
Why?
The Donald said the move would make Obama more transparent. Despite four years of constant and intense scrutiny by the world media, apparently the President of the United States of America remains a mystery. If elected to a second term, who knows what Obama might do ... even though he has already had the opportunity to do it.
Similar concerns were raised during the presidential campaign in 2008. Republicans accused Obama of being a foreign-born Muslim with alien ideas. One commercial seemed to suggest that if Obama were elected, the people of the United States would be attacked by a pack of wolves.
Well, it's four years later. I don't see mosques everywhere, Korans being read in public schools or senior citizens being ripped to pieces by wolves. In fact, it's pretty much been business as usual. The Great Recession was averted, the Iraq occupation is over, Osama Bin Laden is dead and millions of additional Americans have medical insurance. OH! THE HORROR OF IT ALL!
So, if Obama releases this additional paperwork, what new fact does Trump hope to reveal about the president? Perhaps, Obama is described as a Muslim or an immigrant on some obscur document. That doesn't matter to the law. The birth certificate is what counts. Obama might have lied deliberately in college to gain admission or win a scholarship. Perhaps a weary bureaucrat just checked the wrong box by mistake. It doesn't matter to the voters. Obama has already passed the test of character and earned the public trust. He's not an unknown commodity anymore. Romney is.
So, why is Trump offering $5 million for Obama's paperwork? Maybe he's coming down with the same crazy billionaire's disease that afflicted Howard Hughes. It's easy to lose grip of reality when you are rich enough to say and do whatever you want without contradiction by your inner circle.
I hope that Obama produces the documents. Since he gets to name the charity, he can really get Trump's goat by making him donate the $5 million to the Democratic National Committee or ACORN. How about the American Civil Liberties Union? No, wait! The Better Business Bureau! YES! That would stick in the Donald's craw!
News Editor
This crazy presidential campaign has been interrupted by a voice of reason. The breath of fresh air comes from New York developer and Hair Club for Men model Donald Trump. On Wednesday, he offered to give $5 million to charity if Democratic President and confessed pothead Barack Obama would release his college records and passport paperwork.
Why?
The Donald said the move would make Obama more transparent. Despite four years of constant and intense scrutiny by the world media, apparently the President of the United States of America remains a mystery. If elected to a second term, who knows what Obama might do ... even though he has already had the opportunity to do it.
Similar concerns were raised during the presidential campaign in 2008. Republicans accused Obama of being a foreign-born Muslim with alien ideas. One commercial seemed to suggest that if Obama were elected, the people of the United States would be attacked by a pack of wolves.
Well, it's four years later. I don't see mosques everywhere, Korans being read in public schools or senior citizens being ripped to pieces by wolves. In fact, it's pretty much been business as usual. The Great Recession was averted, the Iraq occupation is over, Osama Bin Laden is dead and millions of additional Americans have medical insurance. OH! THE HORROR OF IT ALL!
So, if Obama releases this additional paperwork, what new fact does Trump hope to reveal about the president? Perhaps, Obama is described as a Muslim or an immigrant on some obscur document. That doesn't matter to the law. The birth certificate is what counts. Obama might have lied deliberately in college to gain admission or win a scholarship. Perhaps a weary bureaucrat just checked the wrong box by mistake. It doesn't matter to the voters. Obama has already passed the test of character and earned the public trust. He's not an unknown commodity anymore. Romney is.
So, why is Trump offering $5 million for Obama's paperwork? Maybe he's coming down with the same crazy billionaire's disease that afflicted Howard Hughes. It's easy to lose grip of reality when you are rich enough to say and do whatever you want without contradiction by your inner circle.
I hope that Obama produces the documents. Since he gets to name the charity, he can really get Trump's goat by making him donate the $5 million to the Democratic National Committee or ACORN. How about the American Civil Liberties Union? No, wait! The Better Business Bureau! YES! That would stick in the Donald's craw!
Monday, October 22, 2012
Obama Stings Like a Bee in Last Debate
By Mark Lucas
News Editor
BOCA RATON, FLORIDA - Both presidential candidates kept talking about the economy Monday night, even though their final debate was supposed to focus on foreign policy.
Republican nominee and Olympic savior Mitt Romney frequently looked pained and hunted as he was repeatedly corrected and accused of lying. Democratic President and closet communist Barrack Obama looked like the panther that was stalking Romney. However, Obama's short hair is graying, giving his scalp the metallic look of an android.
The candidates differed sharply over military spending. Romney suffered the closest thing to a knock-out blow after complaining that the US Navy would soon have the fewest ships since 1917.
"Well, governor, we also have fewer horses and bayonets because the nature of our military has changed," Obama said. It was one of the few times laughter and applause was evoked from the audience.
Many times, Romney tried to strike a more cordial tone. However, even when he agreed with his opponent, Obama would point out that Romney's positions had flip flopped.
"Governor Romney, you keep trying to airbrush history," Obama finally said.
With sweat forming on his upper lip, Romney fell back on his well worn economic positions. He spouted the exact same line again about creating 12 million new jobs.
"The problem is they won't be here, they'll be in places like China," said Obama, who seemed prepared with more new material than his opponent. He pointed out that Romney's plans to balance the federal budget without increasing taxes on the rich did not add up. Romney denied the accusation, urging viewers to visit his website where his plans were clearly explained.
"We visited the website quite a bit, and it still doesn't work," Obama said confidently.
Once again, Romney said he could cut government programs without harm or malice. This time, the list of programs that he would target grew from PBS and Planned Parenthood to include public education. In the first presidential debate Romney memorably said, "I love Big Bird." In an eerie, and hopefully platonic parallel, on Monday night, Romney concluded by saying, "I love teachers."
"I think we all love teachers," moderator Bob Schieffer interrupted with a laugh.
Actually, the biggest blunder of the night came from Schieffer himself, instead of one of the candidates. At one point, the moderator accidentally referred to the deceased leader of Al Qaeda as, "Obama Bin Laden."
Obama pointed out that Romney would've let the US auto industry go out of business. Romney emotionally denied the charge by touting his family ties to car manufacturing.
"I'm a son of Detroit," Romney said.
The auto unions in Detroit say, he's a son of something else.
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News Editor
BOCA RATON, FLORIDA - Both presidential candidates kept talking about the economy Monday night, even though their final debate was supposed to focus on foreign policy.
Republican nominee and Olympic savior Mitt Romney frequently looked pained and hunted as he was repeatedly corrected and accused of lying. Democratic President and closet communist Barrack Obama looked like the panther that was stalking Romney. However, Obama's short hair is graying, giving his scalp the metallic look of an android.
The candidates differed sharply over military spending. Romney suffered the closest thing to a knock-out blow after complaining that the US Navy would soon have the fewest ships since 1917.
"Well, governor, we also have fewer horses and bayonets because the nature of our military has changed," Obama said. It was one of the few times laughter and applause was evoked from the audience.
Many times, Romney tried to strike a more cordial tone. However, even when he agreed with his opponent, Obama would point out that Romney's positions had flip flopped.
"Governor Romney, you keep trying to airbrush history," Obama finally said.
With sweat forming on his upper lip, Romney fell back on his well worn economic positions. He spouted the exact same line again about creating 12 million new jobs.
"The problem is they won't be here, they'll be in places like China," said Obama, who seemed prepared with more new material than his opponent. He pointed out that Romney's plans to balance the federal budget without increasing taxes on the rich did not add up. Romney denied the accusation, urging viewers to visit his website where his plans were clearly explained.
"We visited the website quite a bit, and it still doesn't work," Obama said confidently.
Once again, Romney said he could cut government programs without harm or malice. This time, the list of programs that he would target grew from PBS and Planned Parenthood to include public education. In the first presidential debate Romney memorably said, "I love Big Bird." In an eerie, and hopefully platonic parallel, on Monday night, Romney concluded by saying, "I love teachers."
"I think we all love teachers," moderator Bob Schieffer interrupted with a laugh.
Actually, the biggest blunder of the night came from Schieffer himself, instead of one of the candidates. At one point, the moderator accidentally referred to the deceased leader of Al Qaeda as, "Obama Bin Laden."
Obama pointed out that Romney would've let the US auto industry go out of business. Romney emotionally denied the charge by touting his family ties to car manufacturing.
"I'm a son of Detroit," Romney said.
The auto unions in Detroit say, he's a son of something else.
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Romney Campaign Flies Like Lead Balloon
By Mark Lucas
News Editor
DAVIE, FLORIDA - Oh the humanity! Sorry, every reporter wants to say that. It's a journalist thing ...
Anyway, a blimp bearing a big ad for Republican presidential hopeful and aeronautical designer Mitt Romney crashed in a south Florida field Sunday night. Neither occupant was injured.
The hot air blimp bears a picture of Romney and the words, "America Needs Romney." Coincidentally, it was flying from Boca Raton, the site of tonight's final presidential debate, to Pembroke Pines, Florida. However, just five miles short of its destination, the blimp encountered high winds. So, within sight of its goal, the big gas bag, full of hot air and bearing Romney's face and name, suddenly plummeted in the kind of last minute catastrophe dreamed about by every die hard Democrat.
Witnesses on the ground who saw the blimp dip below the tree line initially assumed that Romney was merely engaging in more of the invasive campaigning that has marked the 2012 election.
"I thought 'Boy! Mitt Romney really wants us to vote for him,'" nearby resident Terri Balter said to a TV news crew.
The blimp flew backward into the ground, striking tail first. Then it rolled on its side and went completely flaccid. The airship has already been gathered up and carried to Pembroke. It is not anticipated that the Romney campaign will have any trouble producing enough hot air to relaunch the vehicle.
Democratic President and illegal immigrant Barrack Obama declined to comment on the fact that Republicans continue to employ an unreliable vehicle that is more than 60 years behind the times.
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DAVIE, FLORIDA - Oh the humanity! Sorry, every reporter wants to say that. It's a journalist thing ...
Anyway, a blimp bearing a big ad for Republican presidential hopeful and aeronautical designer Mitt Romney crashed in a south Florida field Sunday night. Neither occupant was injured.
The hot air blimp bears a picture of Romney and the words, "America Needs Romney." Coincidentally, it was flying from Boca Raton, the site of tonight's final presidential debate, to Pembroke Pines, Florida. However, just five miles short of its destination, the blimp encountered high winds. So, within sight of its goal, the big gas bag, full of hot air and bearing Romney's face and name, suddenly plummeted in the kind of last minute catastrophe dreamed about by every die hard Democrat.
Witnesses on the ground who saw the blimp dip below the tree line initially assumed that Romney was merely engaging in more of the invasive campaigning that has marked the 2012 election.
"I thought 'Boy! Mitt Romney really wants us to vote for him,'" nearby resident Terri Balter said to a TV news crew.
The blimp flew backward into the ground, striking tail first. Then it rolled on its side and went completely flaccid. The airship has already been gathered up and carried to Pembroke. It is not anticipated that the Romney campaign will have any trouble producing enough hot air to relaunch the vehicle.
Democratic President and illegal immigrant Barrack Obama declined to comment on the fact that Republicans continue to employ an unreliable vehicle that is more than 60 years behind the times.
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Friday, October 19, 2012
The Return of Evil Elmo
By Scoop Cooper
Crime Reporter
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA - Evil Elmo was sighted at Rossi Park and Fishermans Wharf last weekend.
A street beggar dressed as the beloved Sesame Street character, poses for photos and then cusses out tourists who don't pay up. Parents complained last weekend that their children were traumatized by the unexpected profanity. Videos of Evil Elmo's tirades went viral on the internet in 2009, 2010 and this summer when he was arrested by New York City police in Central Park and Times Square. The tirades are rich in anti-Semitic slurs, and in recent media interviews, Evil Elmo claims that he is being harassed by international Jewish costume companies regarding recent court rulings on copyright infringement. Lawyers for the Children's Television Workshop would probably also like to teach him that "I" spells "intellectual property."
In their recent investigations, journalists have learned more about the man under the Evil Elmo costume. For example, parents have seen him sleeping in a rental car, and in 1999, he was deported from Cambodia for running a pornographic website called "Welcome to the Rape Camp."
Normally, I would not gratify such an individual by printing his name, but (sigh) it's Adam Sandler. Calm down! He's no relation to the Saturday Night Live alum that talks through his nose. However, I want you to sit for a minute and just consider how fast you were willing to believe that the annoying comedian could've sunk so low, so fast.
By the way, what ever happened to Joe Piscopo anyway?
Crime Reporter
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA - Evil Elmo was sighted at Rossi Park and Fishermans Wharf last weekend.
A street beggar dressed as the beloved Sesame Street character, poses for photos and then cusses out tourists who don't pay up. Parents complained last weekend that their children were traumatized by the unexpected profanity. Videos of Evil Elmo's tirades went viral on the internet in 2009, 2010 and this summer when he was arrested by New York City police in Central Park and Times Square. The tirades are rich in anti-Semitic slurs, and in recent media interviews, Evil Elmo claims that he is being harassed by international Jewish costume companies regarding recent court rulings on copyright infringement. Lawyers for the Children's Television Workshop would probably also like to teach him that "I" spells "intellectual property."
In their recent investigations, journalists have learned more about the man under the Evil Elmo costume. For example, parents have seen him sleeping in a rental car, and in 1999, he was deported from Cambodia for running a pornographic website called "Welcome to the Rape Camp."
Normally, I would not gratify such an individual by printing his name, but (sigh) it's Adam Sandler. Calm down! He's no relation to the Saturday Night Live alum that talks through his nose. However, I want you to sit for a minute and just consider how fast you were willing to believe that the annoying comedian could've sunk so low, so fast.
By the way, what ever happened to Joe Piscopo anyway?
Thursday, October 18, 2012
The REAL Batman
By Scoop Cooper
Crime Reporter
PETOSKEY, MICHIGAN - Considering the popularity of superheros, I've sometimes wondered why I never hear about real people attempting to become costumed crime fighters. The world is full of impressionable people with a tenuous grip on reality. We read about all manner of crazy behavior inspired by movies, books and legends. Why not a superhero? What would happen if someone in a mask and tights tried to fight crime in real life? I always assumed they'd be quickly gunned down by criminals with no sense of humor.
I was half right. Superhero wannabees are quickly arrested by police with no sense of humor.
Today, the Petoskey Batman pleaded not guilty in 90th District Court to resisting and obstructing police during an investigation. The charges normally carry a two-year prison sentence. However, the prosecuting attorney labeled Batman as a habitual offender and is pushing for 15 years behind bars.
I assure you. It is EXACTLY the way it sounds.
For the past several years, Mark Wayne has patrolled downtown Petoskey, Michigan, dressed as the popular DC Comics superhero, Batman. Sometimes, the 33-year-old-man stalks the night on foot, sometimes he drives around with his costumed sidekick, Batgirl. Neither of the dynamic duo are very articulate in a live interview. However, the Petoskey Batman and the Petoskey Batgirl eloquently and humbly explain their missions as "crime preventers" on their Facebook pages. They give the stereotypical comic book reasons for donning a superhero costume: to make a statement, take a stand against crime and inspire the public to help enforce the law. Over 5,000 readers "like" their pages. One or two self-labeled supervillains, like the Detroit Riddler, taunt and ridicule them.
However, their Facebook pages are also full of calls to help with simple charities and community service events. The Petoskey Batgirl, AKA Brittany Scott, describes herself as a mother of two, and a survivor of cancer and domestic abuse who is studying to become an EMT and a nurse. She writes that the Petoskey Batman is her hero because he really saved her life twice. Both of their Facebook pages focus on fighting domestic abuse and child abuse in particular.
The dynamic duo patrols in costume between 10 p.m. and 3:30 a.m. on Fridays, Saturdays and sometimes Thursdays. They say most local citizens are friendly and encouraging. Even the local Petoskey police have been cordial and credit Batman with helping them with information on two cases. However, the Petoskey Batman was arrested when he was sighted atop a local business building in May 2011. He was arrested in possession of a nightstick, mace and weighted gauntlets. In September 2011 he pleaded guilty to resisting and obstructing a police officer. The court forbade him from wearing costumes during his 6-month probation.
However, the Petosky Batman was back in costume during his patrol on the night of Sept. 29. He even beat police to the scene of a car accident where someone had been injured and the suspect had fled on foot. Only this time, he was in Bear Creek and not Petoskey. So, it was the Michigan State Police, not the local Petoskey police who arrived to investigate. They arrested the caped crusader alleging that he refused to leave the scene even though his scent was confusing the police tracking dogs. Batman claims he WAS leaving the scene when the state police arrested him anyway. While riding in the squad car, he said a trooper rudely told him he was really arrested to stop him from frightening the public.
Is this the end for the dynamic duo? Will the Petoskey Batman be thrown in a jail full of his arch enemies? Is Lady Justice truly deaf as well as blind? Tune in November 21 for the same batty hearing! In the same batty court!
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Crime Reporter
PETOSKEY, MICHIGAN - Considering the popularity of superheros, I've sometimes wondered why I never hear about real people attempting to become costumed crime fighters. The world is full of impressionable people with a tenuous grip on reality. We read about all manner of crazy behavior inspired by movies, books and legends. Why not a superhero? What would happen if someone in a mask and tights tried to fight crime in real life? I always assumed they'd be quickly gunned down by criminals with no sense of humor.
I was half right. Superhero wannabees are quickly arrested by police with no sense of humor.
Today, the Petoskey Batman pleaded not guilty in 90th District Court to resisting and obstructing police during an investigation. The charges normally carry a two-year prison sentence. However, the prosecuting attorney labeled Batman as a habitual offender and is pushing for 15 years behind bars.
I assure you. It is EXACTLY the way it sounds.
For the past several years, Mark Wayne has patrolled downtown Petoskey, Michigan, dressed as the popular DC Comics superhero, Batman. Sometimes, the 33-year-old-man stalks the night on foot, sometimes he drives around with his costumed sidekick, Batgirl. Neither of the dynamic duo are very articulate in a live interview. However, the Petoskey Batman and the Petoskey Batgirl eloquently and humbly explain their missions as "crime preventers" on their Facebook pages. They give the stereotypical comic book reasons for donning a superhero costume: to make a statement, take a stand against crime and inspire the public to help enforce the law. Over 5,000 readers "like" their pages. One or two self-labeled supervillains, like the Detroit Riddler, taunt and ridicule them.
However, their Facebook pages are also full of calls to help with simple charities and community service events. The Petoskey Batgirl, AKA Brittany Scott, describes herself as a mother of two, and a survivor of cancer and domestic abuse who is studying to become an EMT and a nurse. She writes that the Petoskey Batman is her hero because he really saved her life twice. Both of their Facebook pages focus on fighting domestic abuse and child abuse in particular.
The dynamic duo patrols in costume between 10 p.m. and 3:30 a.m. on Fridays, Saturdays and sometimes Thursdays. They say most local citizens are friendly and encouraging. Even the local Petoskey police have been cordial and credit Batman with helping them with information on two cases. However, the Petoskey Batman was arrested when he was sighted atop a local business building in May 2011. He was arrested in possession of a nightstick, mace and weighted gauntlets. In September 2011 he pleaded guilty to resisting and obstructing a police officer. The court forbade him from wearing costumes during his 6-month probation.
However, the Petosky Batman was back in costume during his patrol on the night of Sept. 29. He even beat police to the scene of a car accident where someone had been injured and the suspect had fled on foot. Only this time, he was in Bear Creek and not Petoskey. So, it was the Michigan State Police, not the local Petoskey police who arrived to investigate. They arrested the caped crusader alleging that he refused to leave the scene even though his scent was confusing the police tracking dogs. Batman claims he WAS leaving the scene when the state police arrested him anyway. While riding in the squad car, he said a trooper rudely told him he was really arrested to stop him from frightening the public.
Is this the end for the dynamic duo? Will the Petoskey Batman be thrown in a jail full of his arch enemies? Is Lady Justice truly deaf as well as blind? Tune in November 21 for the same batty hearing! In the same batty court!
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Wednesday, October 17, 2012
Careful Where You Park
By Scoop Cooper
Crime Reporter
PUNTA GORDA, FLORIDA - A girl's first car was crushed repeatedly by a monster truck because of a big misunderstanding, according to a Ft. Myers man.
He was one of the 1000s of people who attended an outdoor concert and off road rally at a popular mud pit known as The Redneck Yacht Club on Feb. 25. The annual Swamp Cabbage Weekend is touted as the largest mud party in the state of Florida. Just before 5 a.m., the 40-year-old Ft. Myers man found a crowd cheering two other truckers who were vainly trying to run over a 1994 Toyota Camry. However, their trucks weren't big enough to get 'er done. So, the Ft. Myers man saved the show with the five-foot-tall tires of his own camouflaged van. That's when a shocked 16-year-old attendee returned from a nearby mud pit and exclaimed that her car was not part of the monster truck rally.
The Charlotte County Sheriff's Department replied to the girl's call. Witnesses described the responsible truck driver as a man in his 40s with spiked gray hair and a white T-shirt. However, police still needed an eyewitness to single the Ft. Myers man out of the crowd. Fancy that.
The Ft. Myers truck driver was arrested and charged with criminal mischief. Video of him crushing the girl's car went viral on the internet. The Ft. Myers man was classy enough to pay the girl $6,500 to replace her car. However, he claimed the staff at The Redneck Yacht Club had given him permission to finish destroying the car, which was already badly damaged by the first two trucks.
His jury trial was scheduled to start Monday. However, the 40-year-old man avoided a trial and a verdict by pleading no contest and paying the court's costs. He did not confess guilt, but just wanted to move on with his life. It is not known if he will be reinstated into the prestigious Redneck Yacht Club.
Worst Hostage Ever
By Scoop Cooper
Crime Reporter
STILLWATER, OKLAHOMA - A 27-year-old man was arraigned today for allegedly robbing an adult novelty store of two porn magazines, a blow up sex doll and, oh yeah, $150 in cash.
While pretending to buy some smut on Oct. 10, the robber reportedly ran behind the cashier and forced his head down on the check out counter. During the robbery, he allegedly threatened to kill the cashier with a knife, an odd choice of weapon since the robber grabbed a $300 inflatable lady friend before fleeing.
The robber was disguised in a stringy Halloween wig from a nearby Walmart. Police were not fooled, and set off in pursuit. After a five-mile, high speed chase, the suspect smashed his pickup truck into a utility pole. Police subdued the criminal mastermind with two taser jolts. The suspect was not seriously injured. However, his truck was totaled and his latex sidekick mortally wounded. Apparently, the inflatable molly was the brains of the team and enjoyed her brief ride on the wild side. She died with a smile on her face.
Crime Reporter
STILLWATER, OKLAHOMA - A 27-year-old man was arraigned today for allegedly robbing an adult novelty store of two porn magazines, a blow up sex doll and, oh yeah, $150 in cash.
While pretending to buy some smut on Oct. 10, the robber reportedly ran behind the cashier and forced his head down on the check out counter. During the robbery, he allegedly threatened to kill the cashier with a knife, an odd choice of weapon since the robber grabbed a $300 inflatable lady friend before fleeing.
The robber was disguised in a stringy Halloween wig from a nearby Walmart. Police were not fooled, and set off in pursuit. After a five-mile, high speed chase, the suspect smashed his pickup truck into a utility pole. Police subdued the criminal mastermind with two taser jolts. The suspect was not seriously injured. However, his truck was totaled and his latex sidekick mortally wounded. Apparently, the inflatable molly was the brains of the team and enjoyed her brief ride on the wild side. She died with a smile on her face.
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
Chicks Dress Like Big Bird
By Mark Lucas
News Editor
Big Bird costumes are selling out this Halloween.
Ever since the popular Muppet was mentioned in the first presidential debate, the sale of Big Bird outfits has increased up to 500%. When asked how he'd cut federal spending, Republican presidential nominee and leader of the Fantastic Four Mitt Romney immediately targeted PBS in general and Big Bird by name. The remark led to an explosion of online comments, political jokes and even campaign ads.
However, kids dressed like little yellow canaries will not necessarily be flocking around the neighborhood pecking for candy this Halloween. No. The biggest sales increase has been in sexy and sassy Big Bird costumes for adult women. These scanty outfits often consist of little more than striped stockings, a cute bug-eyed headband and just enough yellow feathers to avoid charges of indecent exposure.
So, when Romney said he'd cut PBS funding even though, "I love Big Bird," apparently some Republican admirers took him literally. Any couples aroused to role playing in the bedroom would just need a sexy Big Bird costume for the woman, and a Romney mask for the man and then ... Oh, no! No! Gross! No!
Poor Big Bird!
I just want to take my brain out of my skull and scrub that image from my mind!
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News Editor
Big Bird costumes are selling out this Halloween.
Ever since the popular Muppet was mentioned in the first presidential debate, the sale of Big Bird outfits has increased up to 500%. When asked how he'd cut federal spending, Republican presidential nominee and leader of the Fantastic Four Mitt Romney immediately targeted PBS in general and Big Bird by name. The remark led to an explosion of online comments, political jokes and even campaign ads.
However, kids dressed like little yellow canaries will not necessarily be flocking around the neighborhood pecking for candy this Halloween. No. The biggest sales increase has been in sexy and sassy Big Bird costumes for adult women. These scanty outfits often consist of little more than striped stockings, a cute bug-eyed headband and just enough yellow feathers to avoid charges of indecent exposure.
So, when Romney said he'd cut PBS funding even though, "I love Big Bird," apparently some Republican admirers took him literally. Any couples aroused to role playing in the bedroom would just need a sexy Big Bird costume for the woman, and a Romney mask for the man and then ... Oh, no! No! Gross! No!
Poor Big Bird!
I just want to take my brain out of my skull and scrub that image from my mind!
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Sunday, October 14, 2012
Twinkle, Twinkle Diamond Planet
By Nicola Braun
Science Reporter
CONSTELLATION OF CANCER - A distant planet is one-third made of diamonds, according to scientists at Yale University.
The planet 55Canceri e is 8 times heavier than Earth. It was first discovered in 2011 orbiting the star 55Canceri. However, it has taken scientists a while to figure out what the planet is made of based upon how big it is, how fast it moves, how much it weighs and how it reflects light (presumably like a giant disco ball). Based on all of these factors, the planet probably has a graphite crust over a layer of diamonds with a core made of silicon around liquid iron.
Anyone wishing to stake a claim to the diamond planet should be warned. The surface temperature there is 3900 Fahrenheit. The planet is 40 light years from Earth and there is a sign on it reading "Property of De Beers" that's big enough to be seen with the naked eye.
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Science Reporter
CONSTELLATION OF CANCER - A distant planet is one-third made of diamonds, according to scientists at Yale University.
The planet 55Canceri e is 8 times heavier than Earth. It was first discovered in 2011 orbiting the star 55Canceri. However, it has taken scientists a while to figure out what the planet is made of based upon how big it is, how fast it moves, how much it weighs and how it reflects light (presumably like a giant disco ball). Based on all of these factors, the planet probably has a graphite crust over a layer of diamonds with a core made of silicon around liquid iron.
Anyone wishing to stake a claim to the diamond planet should be warned. The surface temperature there is 3900 Fahrenheit. The planet is 40 light years from Earth and there is a sign on it reading "Property of De Beers" that's big enough to be seen with the naked eye.
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Just a Flesh Wound
By Sir Sterling T. Noseworthy Jr. III Esq.
International Correspondent
PARIS, FRANCE - The president of Mauritania claims he was accidentally shot by his own troops on Saturday.
He is contradicting earlier statements from his own government and eyewitnesses. They said the attack looked like a deliberate assassination attempt. President Mohamed Ould Abdel Aziz was riding from his farm in Tweila to his capital in Nouakchott when his convoy was attacked at an army checkpoint. Later Saturday night, Aziz claims he walked into a military hospital under his own power suffering from a minor bullet wound. On Sunday, he flew all the way to Paris for further medical treatment. So, either a Mauritanian MILITARY hospital can't handle a "minor" bullet wound or Aziz is lying.
A bullet has been removed from his arm or abdomen, according to conflicting unconfirmed reports.
Mauritania is a former French colony of 3.4 million people with a history of instability in west Africa. Aziz may look like the owner of a corner convenience store with a bushy mustache and a nice business suit, but he is actually a former general. In 2008, he bloodlessly seized power from Mauritania's first elected leader. In recent weeks, Aziz dramatically increased security all over Mauritania, perhaps because al Qeada has repeatedly tried to kill him. So, Aziz getting accidentally shot by one of his own army checkpoints would be ironic in the extreme.
After a little anarchy and a brief military crackdown, Mauritania has already returned to normal. However, the poorly informed army checkpoints on the roads into the capital have been rapidly withdrawn.
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International Correspondent
PARIS, FRANCE - The president of Mauritania claims he was accidentally shot by his own troops on Saturday.
He is contradicting earlier statements from his own government and eyewitnesses. They said the attack looked like a deliberate assassination attempt. President Mohamed Ould Abdel Aziz was riding from his farm in Tweila to his capital in Nouakchott when his convoy was attacked at an army checkpoint. Later Saturday night, Aziz claims he walked into a military hospital under his own power suffering from a minor bullet wound. On Sunday, he flew all the way to Paris for further medical treatment. So, either a Mauritanian MILITARY hospital can't handle a "minor" bullet wound or Aziz is lying.
A bullet has been removed from his arm or abdomen, according to conflicting unconfirmed reports.
Mauritania is a former French colony of 3.4 million people with a history of instability in west Africa. Aziz may look like the owner of a corner convenience store with a bushy mustache and a nice business suit, but he is actually a former general. In 2008, he bloodlessly seized power from Mauritania's first elected leader. In recent weeks, Aziz dramatically increased security all over Mauritania, perhaps because al Qeada has repeatedly tried to kill him. So, Aziz getting accidentally shot by one of his own army checkpoints would be ironic in the extreme.
After a little anarchy and a brief military crackdown, Mauritania has already returned to normal. However, the poorly informed army checkpoints on the roads into the capital have been rapidly withdrawn.
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Saturday, October 13, 2012
What Debate Were Pundits Watching?
By Mark Lucas
News Editor
Paid Republican mouthpieces have been less successful in persuading voters to ignore the evidence of their own eyes in the wake of the vice presidential debate.
On Thursday night, Democratic Vice President and blabbermouth Joe Biden faced his steel-pumping Republican opponent Paul Ryan in their first and only debate. Despite his reputation for slips of the tongue, Biden concisely marshaled the facts without misspeaking for 90 minutes. By contrast, fact checkers after the debate found that Ryan had lied about ... well, everything. Ever since then, the supposedly impartial pundits of the conservative-owned media claimed the debate was a tie. Many even faulted Biden with being disrespectful, undignified and generally over-the-top. These same commentators criticized Democratic President and former Rastafarian Barack Obama for being too listless and subdued in his first debate. So, according to the "objective" talking heads, no matter what the Democrats do, they cannot possibly win a debate, and the Republicans can do no wrong.
This time, the public isn't buying the propaganda, according to early polls about the vice presidential debate. A CNN survey of 381 registered voters showed Ryan won the debate 48% to Biden's 44%. With a 5% margin of error, that is a virtual tie, especially since most of those polled have already decided who to vote for anyway. However, a CBS poll of 431 UNDECIDED voters found that 50% thought Biden won, 39% thought Ryan won and 19% said the debate was a tie. That's pretty decisive for a group that is, by nature, indecisive.
Now, let's see how much media coverage these new polls get compared to the polls that favored Republican presidential nominee and chronic flipflopper Mitt Romney a week ago.
News Editor
Paid Republican mouthpieces have been less successful in persuading voters to ignore the evidence of their own eyes in the wake of the vice presidential debate.
On Thursday night, Democratic Vice President and blabbermouth Joe Biden faced his steel-pumping Republican opponent Paul Ryan in their first and only debate. Despite his reputation for slips of the tongue, Biden concisely marshaled the facts without misspeaking for 90 minutes. By contrast, fact checkers after the debate found that Ryan had lied about ... well, everything. Ever since then, the supposedly impartial pundits of the conservative-owned media claimed the debate was a tie. Many even faulted Biden with being disrespectful, undignified and generally over-the-top. These same commentators criticized Democratic President and former Rastafarian Barack Obama for being too listless and subdued in his first debate. So, according to the "objective" talking heads, no matter what the Democrats do, they cannot possibly win a debate, and the Republicans can do no wrong.
This time, the public isn't buying the propaganda, according to early polls about the vice presidential debate. A CNN survey of 381 registered voters showed Ryan won the debate 48% to Biden's 44%. With a 5% margin of error, that is a virtual tie, especially since most of those polled have already decided who to vote for anyway. However, a CBS poll of 431 UNDECIDED voters found that 50% thought Biden won, 39% thought Ryan won and 19% said the debate was a tie. That's pretty decisive for a group that is, by nature, indecisive.
Now, let's see how much media coverage these new polls get compared to the polls that favored Republican presidential nominee and chronic flipflopper Mitt Romney a week ago.
Dotting the Eye
By Rainbow Starr
Environmental Reporter
POMPANO BEACH, FLORIDA - The giant eyeball that washed up here Wednesday has been tentatively identified.
A man found the mysterious eyeball among the flotsam and jetsam while strolling along Pompano Beach on Wednesday. The eye, as big as a softball, probably belonged to a swordfish, according to a professor at Nova Southeastern University's Oceanographic Center.
The swordfish should've listened to his mother. Frolicking in a school of fish with big sharp bills seems like fun - until someone takes an eye out!
Environmental Reporter
POMPANO BEACH, FLORIDA - The giant eyeball that washed up here Wednesday has been tentatively identified.
A man found the mysterious eyeball among the flotsam and jetsam while strolling along Pompano Beach on Wednesday. The eye, as big as a softball, probably belonged to a swordfish, according to a professor at Nova Southeastern University's Oceanographic Center.
The swordfish should've listened to his mother. Frolicking in a school of fish with big sharp bills seems like fun - until someone takes an eye out!
Friday, October 12, 2012
Alleged Cannibal Puppeteer Pleads Not Guilty
By Scoop Cooper
Crime Reporter
LARGO, FLORIDA - A professional puppeteer pleaded not guilty to drastically reduced charges in federal court today.
In July, federal agents accused the 57-year-old man of planning to kidnap, rape, strangle, cook and eat children for Easter. Since then, his attorney has dismissed those allegations as fantasy from an online chat. Today the puppeteer merely pleaded not guilty to receiving and possessing child pornography.
Cannibalism reduced to child pornography? That's pretty good legal work. If I'm ever arrested, I hope I get Gepetto's lawyer.
Crime Reporter
LARGO, FLORIDA - A professional puppeteer pleaded not guilty to drastically reduced charges in federal court today.
In July, federal agents accused the 57-year-old man of planning to kidnap, rape, strangle, cook and eat children for Easter. Since then, his attorney has dismissed those allegations as fantasy from an online chat. Today the puppeteer merely pleaded not guilty to receiving and possessing child pornography.
Cannibalism reduced to child pornography? That's pretty good legal work. If I'm ever arrested, I hope I get Gepetto's lawyer.
One Monkey vs. the World
By Rainbow Starr
Environmental Reporter
ST. PETERSBURG, FLORIDA - The hunt for the Mystery Monkey of Tampa Bay has entered its fourth day without success.
The wild monkey was spotted this morning. However, he has not yet fallen for any of the traps that have been placed by a professional trapper. The monkey has been swinging around the neighborhoods near the St. Petersburg Country Club and the Boyd Hill Nature Preserve for several years. The Mystery Monkey had been a novelty and local celebrity. In the old west, folks would say they were going into town to "see the elephant" as an euphemism for going on an adventure. Around St. Petersburg, a similar brag is now made by those who've "seen the monkey."
NBC Channel 8 led the 6 p.m. and 7 p.m. local newscast with an update of the hunt for the Mystery Monkey of Tampa Bay. The neighborhood residents who they interviewed told new tales about their simian intruder. The wild rhesus monkey shows no fear of humans and has brazenly lounged around neighborhood pools and peered into house windows like a peeping Tom. The Mystery Monkey has also charged a news crew and stood in a tree, shaking a branch and screaming defiantly at a resident. State wildlife experts say such monkey business is intended to warn humans out of "his" territory.
After trapping the Mystery Monkey of Tampa Bay, state officials plan to relocate him to live with his own kind.
At this point, I'm beginning to root for the monkey.
This story began in "Monkey Bites St. Pete Woman" and concludes in "Betrayed with a Kiss and a Banana."
Environmental Reporter
ST. PETERSBURG, FLORIDA - The hunt for the Mystery Monkey of Tampa Bay has entered its fourth day without success.
The wild monkey was spotted this morning. However, he has not yet fallen for any of the traps that have been placed by a professional trapper. The monkey has been swinging around the neighborhoods near the St. Petersburg Country Club and the Boyd Hill Nature Preserve for several years. The Mystery Monkey had been a novelty and local celebrity. In the old west, folks would say they were going into town to "see the elephant" as an euphemism for going on an adventure. Around St. Petersburg, a similar brag is now made by those who've "seen the monkey."
NBC Channel 8 led the 6 p.m. and 7 p.m. local newscast with an update of the hunt for the Mystery Monkey of Tampa Bay. The neighborhood residents who they interviewed told new tales about their simian intruder. The wild rhesus monkey shows no fear of humans and has brazenly lounged around neighborhood pools and peered into house windows like a peeping Tom. The Mystery Monkey has also charged a news crew and stood in a tree, shaking a branch and screaming defiantly at a resident. State wildlife experts say such monkey business is intended to warn humans out of "his" territory.
After trapping the Mystery Monkey of Tampa Bay, state officials plan to relocate him to live with his own kind.
At this point, I'm beginning to root for the monkey.
This story began in "Monkey Bites St. Pete Woman" and concludes in "Betrayed with a Kiss and a Banana."
A Laughable Debate
By Mark Lucas
News Editor
DANVILLE, KENTUCKY - Vice President Joe Biden laughed his slick opponent right off the stage at Thursday night's debate.
The event didn't seem to follow the script prepared by Republican US Congressman and snake oil salesman Paul Ryan. At times, Ryan spouted lines that were clearly rehearsed, but out of touch with what was happening. He tried to silence Biden with a reference to the recent loss of the Democratic campaign's substantial lead.
"I know you're under duress," Ryan said, implying that Biden was under pressure to perform..
Actually, Biden, known as a veteran "Happy Warrior" of national politics spent much of the debate smiling and laughing at Ryan's claims. Showing both candidates simultaneously on the TV screen accentuated Biden's reactions to his poor opponent. As Ryan spoke, Biden hovered over his shoulder looking like his conscience or a translator for the hearing impaired. Biden continually shook his head and corrected Ryan's lies.
Early in the debate, Biden described Ryan's statements as just a bunch of "stuff," barely refraining from the use of a more profane word. When the moderator pressed Biden to explain what he meant by "stuff." Ryan insulted himself by translating that Biden viewed the Republican positions as a bunch of "malarkey."
Ryan bragged that his muppet hating running mate, Mitt Romney, worked with Democrats while serving as the Republican governor of Massachusetts. Biden pointed out that Romney is so unpopular in Massachusetts that he is not even bothering to campaign there now.
Eventually, Biden began talking over Ryan's sales pitches. At one point, Biden actually dismissed Ryan with a wave of his hand and said, "Blah, blah, blah."
Ryan accused the Democrats of trying to scare voters because they couldn't campaign on their record. Biden fell back on a political career which is longer and more distinguished than all of the other presidential and vice presidential candidates combined. In his most effective moments, Biden took his argument directly to the viewers, instead of his opponent or the moderator.
"Folks, follow your instincts on this one," Biden said, looking into the camera on several occasions. "Their ideas are old, and their ideas are bad ... Who do you trust on this? ... My record stands for itself."
Even in his closing statement, Biden sought to reassure, rather than frighten, the audience. He vowed the administration of Democratic President and Kenyan expatriate Barack Obama would oppose any Republican plans to allow private businesses to take over Social Security or Medicare.
"It's going to be OK. That's what this election is all about," Biden concluded.
Immediately after the vice presidential debate, the hired pundits of the conservative-owned media took to the airwaves to tell the viewers what they had just seen with their own eyes. Even they couldn't sell the idea of a Republican victory to the public this time. However, since Ryan was able to walk off the stage under his own power, the commentators did declare the vice presidential debate a tie.
News Editor
DANVILLE, KENTUCKY - Vice President Joe Biden laughed his slick opponent right off the stage at Thursday night's debate.
The event didn't seem to follow the script prepared by Republican US Congressman and snake oil salesman Paul Ryan. At times, Ryan spouted lines that were clearly rehearsed, but out of touch with what was happening. He tried to silence Biden with a reference to the recent loss of the Democratic campaign's substantial lead.
"I know you're under duress," Ryan said, implying that Biden was under pressure to perform..
Actually, Biden, known as a veteran "Happy Warrior" of national politics spent much of the debate smiling and laughing at Ryan's claims. Showing both candidates simultaneously on the TV screen accentuated Biden's reactions to his poor opponent. As Ryan spoke, Biden hovered over his shoulder looking like his conscience or a translator for the hearing impaired. Biden continually shook his head and corrected Ryan's lies.
Early in the debate, Biden described Ryan's statements as just a bunch of "stuff," barely refraining from the use of a more profane word. When the moderator pressed Biden to explain what he meant by "stuff." Ryan insulted himself by translating that Biden viewed the Republican positions as a bunch of "malarkey."
Ryan bragged that his muppet hating running mate, Mitt Romney, worked with Democrats while serving as the Republican governor of Massachusetts. Biden pointed out that Romney is so unpopular in Massachusetts that he is not even bothering to campaign there now.
Eventually, Biden began talking over Ryan's sales pitches. At one point, Biden actually dismissed Ryan with a wave of his hand and said, "Blah, blah, blah."
Ryan accused the Democrats of trying to scare voters because they couldn't campaign on their record. Biden fell back on a political career which is longer and more distinguished than all of the other presidential and vice presidential candidates combined. In his most effective moments, Biden took his argument directly to the viewers, instead of his opponent or the moderator.
"Folks, follow your instincts on this one," Biden said, looking into the camera on several occasions. "Their ideas are old, and their ideas are bad ... Who do you trust on this? ... My record stands for itself."
Even in his closing statement, Biden sought to reassure, rather than frighten, the audience. He vowed the administration of Democratic President and Kenyan expatriate Barack Obama would oppose any Republican plans to allow private businesses to take over Social Security or Medicare.
"It's going to be OK. That's what this election is all about," Biden concluded.
Immediately after the vice presidential debate, the hired pundits of the conservative-owned media took to the airwaves to tell the viewers what they had just seen with their own eyes. Even they couldn't sell the idea of a Republican victory to the public this time. However, since Ryan was able to walk off the stage under his own power, the commentators did declare the vice presidential debate a tie.
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