Sunscreen Causes Burns

By Ralph Zenith
Business Reporter
       I'm not cynical enough.
       I've always suspected sunscreen was a big scam. Thermonuclear radiation from a star burning at millions of degrees, travels 90 million miles through space, burns through 50 miles of atmosphere and then, miraculously, bounces off a thin layer of white goo that turns transparent after I smear it on my skin. Come on!  Do you think I was born yesterday?  Yet, for years, I slathered on sunscreen just like everyone else.  What the hell?  I am a skeptic, but I'm a cowardly skeptic that doesn't want skin cancer.
       Well, it's been a bad year for sun worshipers, and I've saved up a big fat "I Knew It!"  In July, the Environmental Working Group concluded that only 15% of 900 sunscreens actually prevented skin cancer AND contained safe ingredients.  Nearly half of the sunscreens contained ingredients that literally become inactive when exposed to strong sunlight.
     Apparently, the Food and Drug Administration agrees. The FDA has been contemplating new labeling regulations for sunscreens since 2011.  They are even slower than Banana Boat, the second largest maker of sunscreen.  In early June, a Massachusetts man applied Banana Boat sunscreen, walked over to a charcoal grill and caught fire.  He suffered second degree burns on his chest, back and ear.  Ow!  Banana Boat launched a prompt investigation, "because nothing is more important to us than the safety of our consumers.  We are taking this matter very seriously."
       Quick as a flash, Banana Boat recalled 23 types of its Ultra-mist Spray-on Sunscreen on October 19, after four more of its customers went up in flames and the suntanning season had passed.  To be fair, Banana Boat bottles carry a warning, "Flammable, don't use near heat, flame or while burning."  I don't know about you, but to me, that means if something or someone is ALREADY on fire, using this sunscreen spray as a fire extinguisher will be ... counterproductive.
      Banana Boat has not admitted that there is anything wrong with a sunscreen formula that can act like napalm. They are just generous to a fault with too much of a good thing. Their cans spray so much sunscreen that it stays wet on the skin too long and gives off flammable vapors until it dries. Right. Whatever gets you through the night, guys.
     I always had my doubts that sunscreen could substitute for a lead-lined radiation suit.  However, I never suspected that every time I smeared myself with this snake oil that I could be exposing myself to unsafe chemicals and turning myself into a human Tiki torch.  Boy, do I have egg on my face!  Well, we've ALL had a white goop on our face that looks like egg.