Is Nothing Sacred?

By Ralph Zenith
Business Reporter
ENGLEWOOD, FLORIDA - The hardware department at Big Lots discount store has been desecrated!
     Dark blue jogging suits and Snuggies and have been inexplicably displayed right next to the hammers and saws. And that's not even the worse part. There are also bras for sale there. Not the type that a yuppie uses to protect the grill of his sportscar. There are female sports bras for sale in the hardware aisle of the Big Lots. Why? The hardware aisle is the last male refuge in a department store. Men are supposed to stand there and talk about yard work and power tools. It is a place for bros, not bras.
     Store workers claim part of the hardware aisle has simply been re-allocated for the sale of items marked "As Seen on TV" (aka items that make outrageous claims). That explains why there is also a needle set for sale that is so easy to thread that there's a picture of a man wearing a blindfold on the box. I don't believe this explanation. There are other "Made for TV" products scattered all around the Big Lots.
     Conservatives warned that society would unravel if we allowed gay marriage. Now there are Snuggies and bras in the hardware aisle. What will be next? Cutlery in the toy department? Dog and cat food mixed promiscuously on the same shelf? Tampons in the potato chip aisle?
     My world doesn't make sense anymore ...