A Debatable Outcome

By Mark Lucas
News Editor
DENVER, COLORADO - Despite threats to fire the moderator and a popular muppett, Mitt Romney has been dubbed the winner of the first presidential debate Wednesday night.
     The curtain rose on the theater of the absurd after Romney was pressed for details on how he would balance the federal budget by condensing government departments and cutting public programs. The Republican nominee, and Grecian Formula model, said he would cut any program that was not vital enough to fund with  money borrowed from China. Then, all on his own, Romney blindsided the debate moderator and a beloved children's character by citing PBS as something that should lose all federal funding.
      "I love Big Bird," Romney said. Hopefully, he meant in the platonic sense.  Then Romney gestured across the table to venerable PBS journalist Jim Lehrer and added, apologetically, "I actually like you too."
      Twitter immediately exploded with 17,000 posts per minute about Romney's statement. Today, the internet flooded with humorous comments and doctored photos of muppetts. Late night TV shows bombarded Big Bird with invitations. However, "Sesame Street" producers at the Children's Television Workshop are politically non partisan, effectively muzzling the muppett. Fittingly, Big Bird's only reference to the uproar came today in a belated Tweet. The giant yellow canary told his followers on Twitter that he went to bed at 7 p.m. Wednesday night before the debate began.
      "Did I miss anything?" Big Bird asked innocently.
      Even Democratic President Barack Obama commented on the campaign trail today.
     "Thank goodness someone is finally getting tough on Big Bird. It's about time," Obama wisecracked.
     Hopefully, Romney's conflict with a make-believe character will not go as far as a similar incident several decades ago. That's when Vice President and Republican dimwit Dan Quayle managed to lose a running argument with fictional TV single mother Murphy Brown. At least she was a human.
      To address the financial problems facing America, Romney is only falling back on familiar methods that have worked for him in the past. Romney built his vast fortune at a supervillain organization called Bain Capital. They would find a struggling company that they could buy at a steal. Then Bain would "turn the business around" by laying everyone off, closing the doors and selling everything down to the carpets. No one seems worried about giving a vulture capitalist the keys to the federal government.
      After Romney mounts Big Bird's head over the fireplace in the Oval Office, the other muppetts would also be laid off. America's children would see a much meaner "Sesame Street" with Grover panhandling next to a crazy war veteran, Elmo a drug mule for a street gang, Cookie Monster a 600 pound shut-in, Bert and Ernie dead from a murder/suicide pact and Oscar living in a trash can. Okay, he already does. Oscar is a survivor. However, it's not a pretty picture for the rest of "Sesame Street."
      In fact, "Sesame Street" gets little money from the federal government. "Sesame Street" is mostly funded by corporate sponsorships, product sales, donations, the letter D and the number 2.
       The latest public polls show that 25% of the viewers thought Obama won the debate and 67% thought Romney won. After the debate, pundits explained that Obama lost because by the end of the 90 minute  debate he did not balance the budget, pay off the national debt, reverse the balance of trade with China, find a job for every person in America, heal the sick and walk on water. On the other hand, Romney won the debate because he managed to go 90 minutes without sounding like a raving madman.