Multi-layered Political Vandalism

This large political sign stands by the side of Placida Road in Grove City, Florida.  The multiple levels of vandalism reflect a presidential election that has become particularly nasty.  Even more political signs have been damaged in nearby Northport.  The original sign in this photo attacked the record of Democratic President Barack Obama.  Then a Zorro wanna-be defaced the sign with black spray paint.  Eventually, a third level of commentary was applied with marker on green tape.  Perhaps future archaeologists will decipher the decline of US political discourse when they excavate this sign from the ruins of our once-great nation.  Photo by Mark Lucas.

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Thanksgiving at the Romney House

Anyone who'd like to see their humorous cartoon published on Silly News, please submit your idea to News Editor Mark Lucas at MarkLucas.editor@gmail.com

Sunscreen Causes Burns

By Ralph Zenith
Business Reporter
       I'm not cynical enough.
       I've always suspected sunscreen was a big scam. Thermonuclear radiation from a star burning at millions of degrees, travels 90 million miles through space, burns through 50 miles of atmosphere and then, miraculously, bounces off a thin layer of white goo that turns transparent after I smear it on my skin. Come on!  Do you think I was born yesterday?  Yet, for years, I slathered on sunscreen just like everyone else.  What the hell?  I am a skeptic, but I'm a cowardly skeptic that doesn't want skin cancer.
       Well, it's been a bad year for sun worshipers, and I've saved up a big fat "I Knew It!"  In July, the Environmental Working Group concluded that only 15% of 900 sunscreens actually prevented skin cancer AND contained safe ingredients.  Nearly half of the sunscreens contained ingredients that literally become inactive when exposed to strong sunlight.
     Apparently, the Food and Drug Administration agrees. The FDA has been contemplating new labeling regulations for sunscreens since 2011.  They are even slower than Banana Boat, the second largest maker of sunscreen.  In early June, a Massachusetts man applied Banana Boat sunscreen, walked over to a charcoal grill and caught fire.  He suffered second degree burns on his chest, back and ear.  Ow!  Banana Boat launched a prompt investigation, "because nothing is more important to us than the safety of our consumers.  We are taking this matter very seriously."
       Quick as a flash, Banana Boat recalled 23 types of its Ultra-mist Spray-on Sunscreen on October 19, after four more of its customers went up in flames and the suntanning season had passed.  To be fair, Banana Boat bottles carry a warning, "Flammable, don't use near heat, flame or while burning."  I don't know about you, but to me, that means if something or someone is ALREADY on fire, using this sunscreen spray as a fire extinguisher will be ... counterproductive.
      Banana Boat has not admitted that there is anything wrong with a sunscreen formula that can act like napalm. They are just generous to a fault with too much of a good thing. Their cans spray so much sunscreen that it stays wet on the skin too long and gives off flammable vapors until it dries. Right. Whatever gets you through the night, guys.
     I always had my doubts that sunscreen could substitute for a lead-lined radiation suit.  However, I never suspected that every time I smeared myself with this snake oil that I could be exposing myself to unsafe chemicals and turning myself into a human Tiki torch.  Boy, do I have egg on my face!  Well, we've ALL had a white goop on our face that looks like egg.
 

Betrayed with a Kiss and a Banana

By Rainbow Starr
Environmental Reporter
ST. PETERSBURG, FLORIDA - First Robin Hood.  Then Jesse James and John Dillinger.  Now, Cornelius, aka, Monk, aka the Mystery Monkey of Tampa Bay has joined the list of famous fugitives who fought the law, and the law won.
     After evading authorities for almost four years, the defiant monkey's life on the lam ended with betrayal and a hail of tranquilizer darts at high noon on Wednesday.  The simian fugitive is now safely behind bars.
     The 45-pound rhesus macaque is thought to be an outcast from a colony of wild monkeys in Silver Springs.  The colony formed years ago when monkeys were released into the wild after serving as extras in a Tarzan film. For years, St. Petersburg residents spotted the Mystery Monkey of Tampa Bay peering in their windows, playing with children and family pets and even lounging beside their pools.  He became the popular subject of tourist knickknacks and even his own website. The monkey evaded wildlife authorities in the city and in forests, and even shrugged off tranquilizer darts. They freely admitted that their efforts failed because the fugitive simian was aided, concealed and fed by the local human population.
     Public opinion turned against Cornelius three weeks ago. He jumped on an unwary 60-year-old woman. She screamed, and the startled monkey bit her on the back. Nearby residents finally revealed that the Mystery Monkey of Tampa Bay was living in their neighborhood near Lake Maggoire.  Wildlife authorities and the paparazzi swarmed the area.  Cornelius shook branches, snarled defiantly and even charged a news crew. The government brought in a monkey expert.  However, Cornelius stole the bananas from his traps without getting caught  The trapper was ready to bring in a caged monkey to lure in the lone rebel with the prospect of companionship.
      It proved not to be necessary.  On Wednesday, the victim of the monkey bite was looking on as her daughter waved a banana outside her home and called Cornelius out of the foliage with calm kissing sounds.  The authorities at the stake out shot a tranquilizer dart out of a sliding glass door. The trusting monkey pulled the dart from his torso, staggered across a nearby creek and climbed to a low branch.  When he began swaying from the drugs, the wildlife officials closed in to finish him off.  They snagged the monkey with a capture stick and shot him with another tranquilizer dart.  He lost consciousness within one minute.
     Residents caressed the sleeping monkey one last time as they bid farewell to their neighborhood celebrity.  The victim of the monkey bite cried.  She is voluntarily undergoing very painful rabies shots so that her attacker will not need to be killed to check if  he has rabies.  However, Cornelius will be quarantined for 30 days to make sure he does not carry any other contagious diseases.  The monkey expert named his prisoner, Cornelius, after the main character played by Roddy McDowell in the first three Planet of the Apes films. That Cornelius was an intelligent chimpanzee, who was also shot while on the run from human authorities.
      Closer examination has revealed that the Mystery Monkey of Tampa Bay is about five years old.  He is also in remarkably good health.  In fact, he has grown fat from all the junk food that he has mooched from his human accomplices. Cornelius faces an uncertain future, depending on how well he reintegrates with other monkeys after living so long on his own.  However, monkey sanctuaries across Florida are already vying to become the next home of the famous Mystery Monkey of Tampa Bay.
     Meanwhile, the quiet neighborhood near Lake Maggoire has returned to normal. Some of the residents say, they already miss "seeing the monkey."

You can read the background about this story in "Monkey Bites St. Pete Woman" and "One Monkey vs. the World."
     
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A Fool and His Money

By Mark Lucas
News Editor
     This crazy presidential campaign has been interrupted by a voice of reason.  The breath of fresh air comes from New York developer and Hair Club for Men model Donald Trump.  On Wednesday, he offered to give $5 million to charity if Democratic President and confessed pothead Barack Obama would release his college records and passport paperwork.
     Why?
      The Donald said the move would make Obama more transparent.  Despite four years of constant and intense scrutiny by the world media, apparently the President of the United States of America remains a mystery.  If elected to a second term, who knows what Obama might do ... even though he has already had the opportunity to do it.
      Similar concerns were raised during the presidential campaign in 2008. Republicans accused Obama of being a foreign-born Muslim with alien ideas.  One commercial seemed to suggest that if Obama were elected, the people of the United States would be attacked by a pack of wolves.
      Well, it's four years later.  I don't see mosques everywhere, Korans being read in public schools or senior citizens being ripped to pieces by wolves.  In fact, it's pretty much been business as usual.  The Great Recession was averted, the Iraq occupation is over, Osama Bin Laden is dead and millions of additional Americans have medical insurance.  OH! THE HORROR OF IT ALL!
      So, if Obama releases this additional paperwork, what new fact does Trump hope to reveal about the president?  Perhaps, Obama is described as a Muslim or an immigrant on some obscur document.  That doesn't matter to the law. The birth certificate is what counts.  Obama might have lied deliberately in college to gain admission or win a scholarship.  Perhaps a weary bureaucrat just checked the wrong box by mistake.  It doesn't matter to the voters.  Obama has already passed the test of character and earned the public trust.  He's not an unknown commodity anymore. Romney is.
       So, why is Trump offering $5 million for Obama's paperwork?  Maybe he's coming down with the same crazy billionaire's disease that afflicted Howard Hughes.  It's easy to lose grip of reality when you are rich enough to say and do whatever you want without contradiction by your inner circle.
      I hope that Obama produces the documents.  Since he gets to name the charity, he can really get Trump's goat by making him donate the $5 million to the Democratic National Committee or ACORN.  How about the American Civil Liberties Union?  No, wait!  The Better Business Bureau! YES! That would stick in the Donald's craw!

Obama Stings Like a Bee in Last Debate

By Mark Lucas
News Editor
BOCA RATON, FLORIDA - Both presidential candidates kept talking about the economy Monday night, even though their final debate was supposed to focus on foreign policy.
      Republican nominee and Olympic savior Mitt Romney frequently looked pained and hunted as he was repeatedly corrected and accused of lying. Democratic President and closet communist Barrack Obama looked like the panther that was stalking Romney.  However, Obama's short hair is graying, giving his scalp the metallic look of an android.
      The candidates differed sharply over military spending. Romney suffered the closest thing to a knock-out blow after complaining that the US Navy would soon have the fewest ships since 1917.
     "Well, governor, we also have fewer horses and bayonets because the nature of our military has changed," Obama said.  It was one of the few times laughter and applause was evoked from the audience.
      Many times, Romney tried to strike a more cordial tone.  However, even when he agreed with his opponent, Obama would point out that Romney's positions had flip flopped.
      "Governor Romney, you keep trying to airbrush history," Obama finally said.
     With sweat forming on his upper lip, Romney fell back on his well worn economic positions.  He spouted the exact same line again about creating 12 million new jobs.
     "The problem is they won't be here, they'll be in places like China," said Obama, who seemed prepared with more new material than his opponent.  He pointed out that Romney's plans to balance the federal budget without increasing taxes on the rich did not add up.  Romney denied the accusation, urging viewers to visit his website where his plans were clearly explained.
       "We visited the website quite a bit, and it still doesn't work," Obama said confidently.
      Once again, Romney said he could cut government programs without harm or malice.  This time, the list of programs that he would target grew from PBS and Planned Parenthood to include public education.  In the first presidential debate Romney memorably said, "I love Big Bird."   In an eerie, and hopefully platonic parallel, on Monday night, Romney concluded by saying, "I love teachers."
     "I think we all love teachers," moderator Bob Schieffer interrupted with a laugh.
      Actually, the biggest blunder of the night came from Schieffer himself, instead of one of the candidates.  At one point, the moderator accidentally referred to the deceased leader of Al Qaeda as, "Obama Bin Laden."
       Obama pointed out that Romney would've let the US auto industry go out of business.  Romney emotionally denied the charge by touting his family ties to car manufacturing.
     "I'm a son of Detroit," Romney said.
     The auto unions in Detroit say, he's a son of something else.

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Romney Campaign Flies Like Lead Balloon

By Mark Lucas
News Editor
DAVIE, FLORIDA - Oh the humanity!  Sorry, every reporter wants to say that. It's a journalist thing ...
      Anyway, a blimp bearing a big ad for Republican presidential hopeful and aeronautical designer Mitt Romney crashed in a south Florida field Sunday night.  Neither occupant was injured.
      The hot air blimp bears a picture of Romney and the words, "America Needs Romney."  Coincidentally, it was flying from Boca Raton, the site of tonight's final presidential debate, to Pembroke Pines, Florida.  However, just five miles short of its destination, the blimp encountered high winds.  So, within sight of its goal, the big gas bag, full of hot air and bearing Romney's face and name, suddenly plummeted in the kind of last minute catastrophe dreamed about by every die hard Democrat.
       Witnesses on the ground who saw the blimp dip below the tree line initially assumed that Romney was merely engaging in more of the invasive campaigning that has marked the 2012 election.
      "I thought 'Boy! Mitt Romney really wants us to vote for him,'" nearby resident Terri Balter said to a TV news crew.
       The blimp flew backward into the ground, striking tail first.  Then it rolled on its side and went completely flaccid.  The airship has already been gathered up and carried to Pembroke.  It is not anticipated that the Romney campaign will have any trouble producing enough hot air to relaunch the vehicle.
      Democratic President and illegal immigrant Barrack Obama declined to comment on the fact that Republicans continue to employ an unreliable vehicle that is more than 60 years behind the times.  

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